"I get off work at five, so give me a call then...growing up is kind of lame, huh..."

Voicemail from my best friend today:

"Hi, it's Juli...I was just calling to talk...um...you should call me back soon...I hope that you are having a good day...in work? I don't know if you are in work...because I fail as a friend and don't know your work schedule...so if you are in work, i hope you are having a good day...and if you are in class...i hope you are having a good class...and if you are still sleeping, I hope you are having good dreams...shoot! I forgot my lunch! i have to go back and get it, call me back, bye."

and I call my grandfather "the gov'nah"

my grandfather calls my make-up "war paint."

one mission

but of course, God knows how to keep me in line, even when things are going well for me.

I have a dear friend named Ashley, who I met during treatment. Her son, Nicholas was being treated for leukimia. She and her husband have started this new foundation called one mission in order to provide funds for cancer research and relief and comfort programs for families facing pediatric cancer. Today, I got their first promotional commercial on DVD in the mail. (they used a few pictures of me for it) and it moved me to tears and reminded me how blessed I am and how beautiful life truly is.

if you have a moment, check it out.

www.1-mission.org

life is good

I woke up to a halloween package from my mom, went to classes with all of my homework done, went to my new job and was treated kindly by nice coworkers, came home and talked to my mom, did some homework and now I have an hour of promoting LOCUS, tv night with the crew and a scary movie with the boys to look forward too.

as stated by my dad last night: "life is good for Chelsie Caroline"

i think it would be nice to live in a hobbit hole.

midterms and defrosters

I need to be better at school. Even though I have put more effort in my studies than in any of my other semesters here, I am still worried about grades.

Math has never been my friend and I am worried that it is going to bring me down. If I bring my grade up to high C and don't miss any classes, then I will get that third grade boost and get a B-.

Education is the other class that I am worried about. I missed one project because I had to rely on someone else to get it done, which is something I hate and it killed my grade. If I stay on top of everything and don't miss any other assignments, I should be fine.

History is going okay. I need to study a littler harder and do a little bit more reading.

If I stay on top of my science work and study harder for my next test, I hope to get my grade up to an A.

Church History is fine. I just need to stay on top of my assignments.

World Foundations is a B right now and if I keep working, I have the potential to bring my grade up to an A.

These are my goals for the rest of the semester:

-Get two-three A's in my final grades

-Pass math! Do not miss any more homework and take more time to read chapters and understand the material

-Do not miss any more assignments in science or education

-Re-read history chapters and take notes from the book.

-Make time for the library. Two to three times a week!

-Schedule out my day and follow through with it.

Now that I am working a full time job, taking 16 credits, trying to balance a new calling in church and spending time with new friends, I have to know when to say when and how to budget my time. I have never felt more like an adult then I do now. It's an insane feeling to realize that I am pretty much on my own and after next semester, I really am on my own, at least financially speaking. It's overwhelming and a bit exhausting, but I am enjoying staying busy and feeling focused. I actually wrote these goals a few days ago and I am proud to say that I haven't had a problem following through with them yet.

On another note:

1. I need to give myself a few extra minutes in the morning before going to work to let my windshield defrost. I almost died this morning and it was completely my fault. I can't wreck my new baby because I can't give myself a few extra minutes to let the engine warm up and the windshield to defrost.

2. My wisdom teeth are moving in fast and they HURT! I honestly don't see how I am going to have enough room in my mouth for four extra teeth.

3. It is COLD today. My joints hurt. I need to start wearing socks.

and for those of you who live in Rexburg:

THIS SATURDAY THE LOCUS IS HAVING A HALLOWEEN PARTY AT THE OLD CAREER BEAUTY COLLEGE! FIVE DOLLARS TO GET IN! it's going to be wicked awesome, the boys just got new bases and a whole bunch of new music. so you should go. yes.

congratulations

Dear Blue October and Imogen Heap:

This is beautiful. Thanks for putting my recent emotions into musical form.

Is that seat taken?
Congratulations
Would you like to take a walk with me

My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think I'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me..
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me..

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.

My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.
My heart
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.

And I can't change this
I can never take it back
But now I can't change your mind
(You left me)
And I can't take this
I can never take this back
But now I can't change your mind
can't change your mind
(You left me)
Can't change you mind
(You left me.. hu hu hu hu)
(You left me.. hu hu hu hu)
(You left me.. hu hu hu hu)
(You left me.. hu hu hu hu)

Go away
Make it go away
Please.

duck ponds and big hills

spontaneous adventures in the setting sun

paper bags filled with leaves and twigs

echos of quacks and soft splashing

giggles and homewrecking and roommates and rides to the newly found big hill

coasting down with the loud music playing...

Cassidy Remedy.

Productivity in the early evening

and way too many donettes in my tummy,

war movies, music videos and back rubs,

encouraging words for the nervous boy.

Neatly printed weekly schedule on my white board

structure and organization are key to a balanced and successful life.

Rubiks cube sitting on my window sill, waiting for the last steps to be learned and solved.

happy to be here and happy to be happy.

things are working out and with time, everything will be okay.

blankets at the foot of my bed beckon to me:

"come, for here you will find rest for the weary soul."

New sense of determination instilled in my soul.

I can do this. I believe in myself.

and I know now that I've come a long way.

cookies and car rides

the Idaho Sky never ceases to impress me,

and sometimes I feel like I could drive forever, as long as I have good music and gas money.

I love days filled with roommates, pretty dresses and general girly things.

I also like being creative, spending time with my big brother and enjoying new music.

And I like new friends, who every day, become more less like new friends, and more like regular buddies.

I also like Halloween Oreos and acoustic covers.

yuck and employment

i feel like yuck.

but i got the job!

free kittens and hiccups

i have the most painful bought of hiccups right now! they are giving me a stitch in my side.

yesterday I went to walmart and outside there was a girl with a cardboard box of BABY BABY LITTLE PRECIOUS SWEETHEART KITTENS! my heart melted into a puddle of mush. I've had this need to hold a baby kitty all semester. they just are so little and cute and love to be loved and look at you with all of this trust in their precious little baby eyes. the worst part? they were free!!!!! and I can't have a kitty in my apartment!

i wanted to cry. I just want to snuggle with a kitty and fall asleep with that kind of security.

Kitties are so comforting.

ugh. i am homesick as of late. I just want to talk to my mommy. I call her all of the time, and I think she is kind of annoyed, but I just want to talk to her. And my daddy too. I've been listening to a lot of Daddy music. Alice in Chains, Godsmack Acoustic and Nirvana. I love my parents. I just want to be home for a bit, and sleep in my beautiful big bed, all cuddled up with my kitties.

gosh darn it, these hiccups HURT!

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I know you need your space and I know that you will come to me when you are ready to talk. But gosh, I am worried about you. and I have a bunch of random little things that I want to tell you about, but I know better then to call you right now. I miss you and I love you. You are my person. You're the Christina to my Meredith.

Always,

Chelsie

Dear Friend,

I know that you are not sure where you want to be next year, but I would really appreciate it if you stayed. Who else will promote with me? It'll be fun, I promise. We can even road trip!

Always,

Chelsie

Dear Friend,

You are like my sibling. You were always around when I was sick and you were always around when my heart got broken and you were always around when I needed a Jamba. I'm going to miss you when you leave, but I want what is best for you. Take care of yourself. This too shall pass.

Always,

Chelsie

Dear Friend,

I really adore you and I'm going to miss you when you leave.

Always,

Chelsie

Dear Friend,

I don't think that you are making the right choice. I think you will regret it and that if you are not careful, you will be thrown into situations that have finally gotten yourself out of. It's going to be lonely.

Always,

Chelsie

Dear God,

Thank you for my view on life. Thank you for the constant reminder that life is beautiful, no matter what. Thank you for my second chance to live.

thank you for my family, my blessings and my health.

thank you for my leg.

thank you for my new friends, my car, and for teaching me how to be happy with myself and on my own.

thank you for the opportunity to go to school, to learn, to get an education.

Thank you for the air I breathe, for lungs that work, for the sunshine on my face and the wind in my hair.

thank you for keeping me safe and for being there for me when no one else is.

Always,

Chelsie

last minute snippets.

woke up earlier then my alarm

a few more hours added to my already promising long day.

stupid science project.

busy work makes time go by so slowly

and my legs get all antsy.

Snuck into a parking spot last minute as we reached campus,

no driving up and down isles, looking for a resting place for my car.

still barely made it into class on time.

long day. science empty of a brother, but filled with Patriot talk.

59-0. unheard of perfection. we're back. there is always hope.

stupid internet connection in church history.

and a mix up in dates meaning a missed group presentation.

tender mercies of professors meaning we have another chance in a few weeks.

math will be the death of me.

i miss my mom.

history burns within me. I am always alert and attentive. I just need to put more time into my outside studies. I will be better.

v6 engines rock my world.

so much power in a little car.

drives to Teton, church parking lots and Aristotle.

second chances at making music videos and the photo booth game.

roommates gathered around the living room.

heart to heart talks adminst giggles and snorts.

I am so blessed.

New friends and street team shirts.

helicopter hair love.

catching up with a few missed friends.

on back in the beauty of the shire,

and one in the state of sunshine.

I am a fan of tonight.

and I'll be home for Christmas.

convincing and believing

I've convinced myself that I don't need you.

I pretty much believe it now.

I am my own person and I can be happy on my own.

BUT FOR GOSH SAKES, WRITE BACK AND GIVE ME SOME FREAKING CLOSURE.

back to vow of silence.

k thanks.

disappointment and goals

i'm disappointed in myself.

i know that I'm better then that.

and I will be better then that.

I will be.

and she's back at it

maybe....

I've been thinking about dying my hair the last couple of days, evening out the blonde streaks and getting back to the natural color. After all, I've been working on that natural color for almost six months.

Today. I dyed it Auburn. Why? not sure. I wanted a change. I've wanted to be a red head for a while.

But. It's Demi Dye. Meaning it's a 10-11 wash kind of thing.

So it will fade and my natural color will come back and I can put it back to it's rightful state.

But seriously. drastic hair color change was long over due. I always dye my hair when something tramatic or life changing happens to me. It's my way of dealing with things I can't control.

and i didn't do anything to my hair in May. or in June. or in July. or August. or September.

five and a half solid months of health and growth, while trying to deal with some very hard trials. So yes. I have deep red/auburn hair. I like it. but i'll be back to my roots soon, and i'll move forward.

concerts, bonfires, and a new kind of car ride, something I have dubbed the "Cassidy Remedy".

movies that make me cry and funny roommates. my life is beautiful right now, and it always has been. I need to remember these things in times of trial and need.

I have my life and I have my second chance. I can't ever forget that, or take it for granted.

I have watched too many of my friends lose their battles to not live my life to the fullest.

bed time. sleeping in tomorrow, cleaning my room, doing homework and putting around. maybe my first official Cassidy Remedy run.

the first calm saturday in a while,

in beautiful Idaho.

sleep.

content

I realize that being "content" isn't a solid thing. being content, at least for me, are moments that happen every so often when I take a moment and look around and realize how much i love my life.

right now, I'm sitting at my desk and it is 12:34 in the morning. there are sounds of my roommates in the hallway brushing their teeth. Symone is already fast asleep in her bed. Our window is cracked and there is a cool rainy breeze blowing through the window shades. my bed is made and my homework is done. nothing out of the ordinary.

I got up this morning, got things done, drove to school in my new car, and went to class. I listened to an Apostle speak at devotional today. I drove home. I took the time to make myself a nice lunch. ham and cheese sandwich with mayo and pickles, some strawberries rolled in sugar and a handful of fritos. I finished watching a tv show. i did some homework. I cleaned my room. I picked up chloe and we went to flute class. I dropped chloe off. I came home, and got a great parking spot. I did laundry. I went to some new friends' apartment and watched a movie and talked. I came home, ate a chocolate bar and took a history quiz. (10 outta 10!) 'jammies and water and blogging.

nothing out of the ordinary. pretty typical day.

but as I sit here, listening to my roommates and the rain and the clicking of my keyboard, I can't help but feel totally and completely content with my life right now. I'll wake up in the morning and something will go wrong or i'll be running late or i'll realize i forgot to do homework. this feeling will go away for a while.

but in this moment, i am so content. i am going to school, i have amazing roommates and friends, i am learning, i am bettering myself, i have an AMAZING family and it is rainy and cool outside.

life is so beautiful.

hope

we're making new friends.

things are looking up.

hello Cassidy

so, I'm sitting on my couch, waiting for the phone call from my mom to let me know that she had landed in Salt Lake City and was on her way up. The phone call comes. Mom is on the road. She's driving a silver Hyundai Sonata and she is really impressed with it. i giggle.

the door knocks.

"COME IN!"

i yell in mid conversation with my mother.

blonde hair. Red Sweatshirt. Handlebar Mustache.

In walks my father.

utter shock

..DAD?

*click* i hang up the phone.

"Did you just hang up on your mother?"

...oh yeah...i guess i did...isn't she with you?

"call her back."

Mom is back on the phone and I ask where she is.

Dad holds up the key. familiar black rounded top with the slanted H in the corner.

Hamilton?

"Your grandfather and I decided to take a road trip."

..shock...

"go get some shoes."

I run fast into my room. Best friend is frantically getting dressed. "i can't believe i'm missing this!"

I slide on my slippers and run back out. up the stairs, out the door. Grandfather standing outside with the camera.

I walk into the parking lot, cautiously.

mom, where are you?

"Mom isn't coming."

...shock...

mom isn't coming?

..sadness..

"we needed a reason to keep you home today."

...shock...

Dad holds up the key.

oh right...key...

is Hamilton here?

"I'm driving this really nice Silver Hyundai Sonata..." my mom says in the cell phone.

silver...hyundai...

eyes make a connection with a silver car in the parking lot.

is that...is that the car?

"check the license plates..."

running around the back...New Hampshire...live free or die...

it clicks

DAD...DID YOU BUY ME A CAR?

laughter and delight. Best friend giggling in the background.

and then the tears came. non stop shedding of tears. shock, surprise, overwhelming love for my father.

I am so blessed. I am so blessed. words can not describe how thankful I am and how loved I feel.

He's not Hamilton. He's not my little green car with the little purr. He's Cassidy. Silver sleekness and quiet stealth. The love of a father for his daughter wrapped into a beautiful gesture of compassion and adoration. it's amazing and I am speechless. Dad bought me a car. He drove it across the country. He sacrificed so much so that I could have this car. I am so blessed.

and life is so beautiful.

clean rooms and soft shoes.

Happy I fit my slippers in the suitcase this time around.

no more pokey rug nails in my toes.

neatly folded up blankets at the foot of my bed.

sleep. escape. rest for the weary soul.

plans and phone calls from best friends.

dishes and music and that blonde head of hair.

captain awesome t-shirt. Mix Cd. Alexander the Great and the sword and elephant.

clean room, growing laundry pile.

mothers and bonfires and weekend surprises.

curled up on little couch with a reliable friend.

history test looming closer. I will pass.

history...

concrete. steady. never changing.

facts. no fairy tales. solid facts.

from which lessons can be learned

and futures built.

history is my thing.

and now. clean rooms and soft shoes.

echos of distant cars down the road.

a bit of an aching heart tonight.

but folded blankets at the foot of my bed say:

"come, for here you will find rest for the weary soul."

MOMMY

my daddy called today and told me that he was offered an amazing deal via southwest from Manchester to Salt Lake. so. he's flying my mummy out for the long weekend. and i couldn't be more excited. Being across the country is nice in some aspects, but I do not have the luxury to go home frequently like some of my friends here. I won't be going home for Thanksgiving. I won't see the rest of my family until Christmas. last week I was telling my mom how I wished Idaho was only a state away so I could jet home for a weekend. Just yesterday I was telling a friend that I was homesick. I've been feeling lonely lately; I've been wanting the comfort of a family member.

My mom is coming here to seeeee meeeeeee and I couldn't be happier.

God really does hear and answer my prayers.

also. new picture. not sure if i like it. might change soon. thoughts?

some goals for this week

AH! I have two huge tests at the end of this week, a huge amount of work to do and one of my best friends is visiting from California. I have a lot to do and I need to implement a bit more structure in my every day life this week so that I can go to Yellowstone this weekend without any guilt or consequences.

goals/plans for this week are as follows:

1. morning prayer. I've been really really good about saying my prayers every night before I go to bed. I haven't missed a night in almost three weeks. Now I want to start saying my morning prayers too. I think it will help me start off my day on a better note.
2. library time every day for the rest of the week. I'm actually sitting in the Crossroads right now, and I think that should count too. I can people watch, eat and get things done. I need to set aside time to study on my own without any distractions (COUGH FACEBOOK) and being on campus helps me in that aspect.
3. Homework done on time. It's hard for me to do homework on some days because I come home at five and my roommates have been done with classes and homework for a while and they want to play and I still have so much on my plate before I can even think about playing. So I need to focus on getting my homework done no matter what else is going on.
4. Sleep. Aim for ten thirty. Be in bed by eleven. Only exception is if Michael is around to play. I haven't seen enough of him while he's been here.
5. Eat healthier this week. Carbs need to take a back seat and fruits and veggies need to play a bigger part in my daily diet.

okay.
so after outlining those goals, I must go to work. Science and History are calling my name before my nonstop classes start in about an hour.
long day ahead of me, but I begin to hope.

connected!

well, i'm in a music mood.

let me tell you. this weekend I became connected.

my best friend lives in Provo Utah. She is dating my "big brother" who goes to school up here with me. Julianna came up last weekend for her birthday and got a ride off the ride board with a girl who lives in Provo. She found out that her ride has a boyfriend who also goes up to school in Idaho and offered him a seat in Jordan's car for when we went down to Provo the next weekend. It worked out well.

Brad lives in the Pines (where I live). He's a convert to the church. He owns the Locus, the only main music venue in Rexburg. He puts on huge dance parties every few weeks and also books local bands. Brad is connected. He is friends with the band Flyleaf, (some of my FAVORITE music) and their acoustic CD was recorded in his living room! THE VERY SAME ACOUSTIC CD THAT I LISTEN TO ALL OF THE TIME! Flyleaf is going to come play here at the Locus in the near future. Brad also is trying to get Yellowcard to come play here. Brad knows so many other musicians in the area, including the guy who is sponsered by Old Navy and plays all of the music for their commercials.

Plus, Brad has a musical taste similar to my fathers. pure acoustic goodness. I love it. Brad even said we could be on the street team for The Locus and help promote them! AWESOME!

so. before I go to bed, you should listen to some of the new things I was introduced to this weekend.

Allred (awesome voice. awesome medley)



Allred Original:



Boyce Avenue (acoustic versions of every kind of genre of music. awesome)



Boyce Avenue Original:




Flyleaf Acoustic:

music moment

stumbled upon this band and song the other day.

another song written just for me. (besides the drinking part, haha)

love it.

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We we're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

If the clouds don't clear
Then we'll rise above it, we'll rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, just like we use to

Lets take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

some nostalgia

Curled up on plaid couches.

blonde head of hair contrasted between black curls and brown waves

grey controllers with worn out joysticks

giggles and yelling and funny voices.

giant rock runny thingys.

things are different from last semester.

different apartments. different roommates. different classes.

people have changed. people are gone.

but somethings; they stay the same.

and that is so comforting.

helicopter hair and kitten love

listing:

1. I am thankful for friends who make me giggle after off days.

2. I love voicemail tag. especially when they go something like: "i stopped listening to your voicemail when I heard: "let's make out" because I couldn't handle it anymore and I need to know what happened. CALL ME BACK!"

3. Long days on campus are made better when friends are waiting for you to come home and play Nintendo

4. I miss New England.

5. I have a lot to do this week. A lot. I need to stay focused and manage my time and not procrastinate. Getting adequate sleep will be key. Symone and I have been really good at going to bed on time last week. We need to keep up the good work.

6. I miss my daddy. I miss car rides and good music and daddy/daughter time and laughing at my ridiculousness and sassiness.

7. I HATE SNOW IN OCTOBER

8. I miss my best friend.

9. I have a sudden urge to read Tuesdays With Morrie instead of Oedipus. efffff.

10. I'm excited for flute tomorrow. I can never get enough of music. ever.

11. mindsleeper/minesweeper. there is a difference in those two games. one major one is that mindsleeper isn't actually a game at all.

a few reminders:

watch what I say. don't hurt anyone's feelings. USE tact.

wait for my turn. don't interrupt. There is plenty of time for everyone. Patience. 

be genuine. real. honest. kind. but really, be genuine. 

live in the moment. enjoy the time I have with my friends and don't pine or wish for other things. these moments should be cherished in every way. They won't come back.

appreciate. love. heal. wonder at the beautiful moments of life and always remember that there is a plan. things will work out.

it will be okay.

don't you bring me down today.

I need to focus on the things that matter to ME right now.

Let the disappointment take its toll, feel it, understand it, and then move along.

I know that things will be okay no matter what.

there is a plan.

and i believe in that.

so true.

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she

handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled

Christmas tree lights."

-Maya Angelou