observations at the end of the seven week break.

I'm wide awake at 6:00 AM and this time, I can't blame the construction workers across the street, because they didn't start hammering away until 6:30. My alarm was set for 9:00, but I guess that plan went down the tubes. Anxiety gnaws away at my stomach; my jaw aches as I try to stay away from one more does of advil before I go visit the dentist this morning.

I get thoughtful at times like these; in the early morning hours when I'm supposed to be sleeping or in the mid afternoon lull of transitioning seasons. I feel the pull to write; and I never know what will end up coming out of my fingers. I just know that I have to something in written word; to document it all as I experience it.

I look back at my goals for this seven week break and realize that I obtained almost none of them. The every day routine of getting up, going to work, and coming home sucked me into a monotony that was only punctured by the empty ache in my gut that belongs to China. Maybe I needed the down time; a break from the crazy life I have lived this year. The constant traveling, working, serving, loving-it can all be so exhausting at the end of the day.

But living life in a way that leaves you tired at the end of every day, and not just sleepy, but tired...well, I feel like that's the only way to live. It means you've worked your hardest; loved the loudest and above all, let nothing escape you. No regrets. Just living fully.

And I realize that I want to come home every day, tired.

My Sister's Keeper

Sometimes I think about what would have happened if it wasn't curable. What would I have done if it had been caught later, if I had stopped responding to treatment, if it got to the point where I was signing up for experimental trials to open up, even though I knew there was no hope that they would work.

My prognosis was hopeful when I was diagnosed. Cancer hadn't spread, type was shown to respond well to treatment. Of course, it was still cancer. It was metastatic, but just because it hadn't spread, didn't mean it was going to be an easy ride. And it wasn't.

You'll never understand what it means to "fight for your life" until you are literally fighting to stay alive. What's funny is that it isn't even a conscious decision half the time. It happens while you are asleep; trying to escape from the nightmare that has become your reality. You let yourself slip away, grateful that you don't have to think about anything. And that is when the boxing gloves come out. Because who wants to give up the ability to dream?

I'm glad I didn't die. Sounds terribly blunt, but it's true. I feel like I should say something profound, but really, I'm just trying to grasp at facts that sometimes seem so unreal. My life is so close to normal now that I sometimes forget I had cancer. I had cancer. I had cancer. I had cancer. I forget about the sleepless nights, about the bald head, about being so sick that I thought my stomach was going to land in the toilet, about losing days at a time while being in a drugged induced coma, about the last time I went up the stairs without having to think twice about knees or bones or breathing. Sometimes it all seems so blurry and unreal. Sometimes it all seems so horrible that I choose not to remember.

But it happened. I had cancer.

And I think that it's okay to forget about terrible things that happen to us sometimes. I've learned that if you hold onto something so scary too tightly, you'll never be able to swim forward. You'll just carry a boulder on your back until you sink so deep you lose sight of the shore. But here's the truth: terrible things happen. And sometimes you can come back from them fast. And sometimes it takes a long time to pick up all of those pieces and glue them all together. And even after you put that last piece in, you're still cracked. You are not the same.

Being different is okay, though. You catch the light differently, form new shapes and surfaces and create new textures. And that's the beauty of it all. If you go through that painstaking process of picking up all those shards and gluing them back together, you become different; you become better. You become a kaleidoscope of everything you were and everything that you could have become, mixed with everything you are now. If you let yourself, you cant take those pieces of a beautiful piece of artwork and turn it into a masterpiece.

I'm a five year cancer survivor and I'm still coming back. I'm still putting my pieces together. I'm cracked and scarred and sometimes things happen that ruin a lot of the work I've done. But I won't let that stop me. When I'm tired, I simply close my eyes and let the boxing gloves come out while I escape to some magical place. It helps me remember that I am still full of dreams and I never want to give them up.

And so, when I wake up the next morning, I whisper to myself: "I will try again today."

Over five years later

and sometimes I still get a shock of surprise when I reach up to touch my head and find hair.
Being alive never ceases to amaze me. And I am grateful for every day that I wake up.

Observations on 2011

I'm huge on resolutions. I love goals. I love outlining things I want to improve for myself. I love having things to work towards. I like giving myself a time frame to have something finished. I believe in setting goals and then working hard to obtain them.

I set goals frequently. I don't believe that I should wait to the beginning of the new year to change something, to start improving some aspect of myself. But I do like having long term goals. I check in on them often and at the beginning of ever new year, I first start by looking back at my goals from the year before and seeing how I shaped up.

My goals from 2011 were as follows.

1. Straight A's Winter semester.

Turns out I had mono and I had to handle the severe emotional distress of sending Duty on a mission. These details factored into a very stressful and difficult semester. But I still managed to pull off all A's and B's. So, good. I'm happy with this.

2. Do everything possible to be financially stable for this summer.

Cazz and I made it home in one piece and I paid for it. Success.

3. Knee Replacement

Yes. I did this. I faced my fears and I told my parents and my doctors that I could no longer live my life with the crummy knee I had. I fought hard for this knee replacement and then I fought hard through the most difficult surgery I've had, the hardest recovery I've had to go through and I made it out on the other end. I have a new knee. I have my life back. I am walking limp free. 

4. Write

Yes, minus the small wrench thrown into my plans to be a dedicated pen pal this summer. Other then that, I never missed a week as a pen pal to my missionary and turns out, I could possibly be a professional carepackage sender. Success.

5. Read the Book of Mormon

Yes. I did it back in March with my roommates and it was awesome. And now I'm doing it again. Success 

6. Pick Piano Back Up.

My knee surgery/summer at Zion kinda took up all my spare time this summer. I did get to sit down and play a little, but I didn't get to relearn like I wanted to. This is one I'll keep working on. 

7. Be Better with my Time

 I have a huge desire to give back to the people who gave so much to me.

Zion's Camp. Every Day. All Day. No time for time wasting things when there is service to preform. Check.

8. Take Better Care of My Body

1. Sleep more. -SO SUCCESSFUL WITH THIS! I kicked Mono in the butt at the beginning of this year and this last semester I was in bed between 10 and 11 almost EVERY night. 

2. Eat better. Eh, not so much. I need to keep working on this. 

3. Swim. During the summer, yes. Back at school? Not once. =[ 

4. Take care of my knee. Know when to say no. Know what the limits are and what adjustments need to be made. Make good choices about how far to push it. Okay, I might have pushed myself a little too much when I first started walking again. But I have gotten better at this. 

9. Grow out my hair and stop dying the heck out of it!

hahaha...well...I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop dying it...I think I dyed it a total of nine times this year. BUT I HAVEN'T CUT IT DRASTICALLY! So, baby steps, right?

10. China

I am leaving in approx. 26 days to go teach English in China for five months. Check. Check. Check.

11. Stay Secure

When I wrote this last year, I never dreamed of the trials and test of my faith and security in my relationships that 2011 would hold for me. And after everything I faced with Dusty's reassignment, I am proud and thankful to be able to say that we are stronger then ever and I am more secure in my friendship with him then I ever have been before.

I know I've already written about 2011. But I feel the need to say that it was hard. It was harder then I ever imagined it to be. And there were days when I thought I couldn't do it anymore; when my life was so hard that I didn't want to fight anymore. But, I'm a cancer survivor and sitting out of a battle just doesn't fly, even when I'm ready to give up. I am proud of the battles I fought this last year. I am proud of the things I accomplished. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father gave me the strength to accomplish the impossible; to go through my knee replacement, to heal five months faster then originally thought, to become a five year cancer survivor, to become an instrumental piece in the operation of Zion's Camp, to guide me to make the choice to go back to school in the fall and to stay faithful during Dusty's reassignment and the trials that it brought both of us. 2011 was hard. But every battle I fought during it was worth it. And I am thankful for my life and for being alive and for living through it all.

My life is a miracle. At the beginning of every year, I realize that I'm receiving a gift. Another year that I wasn't supposed to have; that cancer was supposed to take from me. But it didn't. I won. I'm alive. And life is so beautiful.

Stay tuned for my resolutions for 2012!

on being honest

I've realized that in order to be honest with others, I have to first be honest with myself.
Today was a huge wake up call for me. But I was honest with myself and now I know what I need to work on. Now I know what choices I need to re-evaluate. Now I know where to go from here.

I will not worry. I will not stress. I will have faith, I will be honest and I will fear not.
I will not be left comfortless.

My life

Sometimes, I remember that this is my life. And I'm the one in charge of it. And I can be whoever I want to be. And I can do whatever I want. And if I don't like where I'm going, I can wake up one day and start all over again. I am the captain of my soul. And I will see the world.

this morning

I woke up with the single thought that my life is anything but ordinary.
and I wouldn't have it any other way.
If people were rain, many live as a drizzle.
I choose to live like a hurricane.

quiet nights

I love having time to myself and being introverted; curling up with a cup of tea on an absolutely perfect summer night and being alone. It's during these rare moments that I find myself staring out my window and watching a tiny city of lights blink against the crow's black wing of night and allow myself to be whisked away to another time and place. I go over lists and goals I have, or examine the finer details of what makes me who I am. I think about where I want to go or what I want to do with my life and I travel down the various potential paths to test the waters with barefooted toes of determination. I dream. I make plans. I listen to the rumbles of crickets hidden in the grass and the wind breathing through the woods and I realize that this is my life, and I can do whatever I want with it. When I think of it that way, it's almost intimidating. I can do anything, I can be anything, I can go anywhere; so much power, so much potential. My life is what I make of it. It's empowering. I am filled with desire to improve, to change, to become, to do my best, to make my second chance at being alive worth something so that at the end of the day someone can say: "Yes, I'm glad we gave her a second shot."

Morbid? Maybe a little. I just want to make someone proud. I want to be deserving of my life. 

So, on these quiet nights when it's jut me and a warm mug of chamomile sitting in between my cupped hands; my eyes glossed over as I stare out into the blanket of black, I fill up with gratitude. And then I make my lists and I set my goals and I go to bed ready to wake up and prepared to do my best.

In this crazy world where there is never enough time in the day to get everything done, it becomes very easy to lose track of one's self. Getting caught up with the day in and day out routine slowly erases the finer lines of a soul; blends them into unclear images that eventually get lost in that grey area. So it's important to me to set aside a quiet night here or there to take care of myself and to refocus and recommit to my goals. It's taken me a long time to learn how to invest that kind of time into myself; but let me tell you, it has made all the difference.

No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful. 

on change and other things

sometimes, there are moments when i just get blindsided. 

it was a lazy, beautiful day in new england;

my favorite kind: sunny, breezy and perfect blue skies.

new hampshire is just starting to come alive right now, and I live for this time of the year.

but within a few clicks of the mouse; life has changed.

here are a few things i've learned as i've dealt with a million emotions:

Change is the only constant thing in life. as hard as it is sometimes, it is the only thing we can rely on never changing.

Change gives us opportunities to learn. Through change, we have the ability to be taught the greatest lessons in life. And, if we get too caught up in the actual change, we lose out on learning those lessons.

My belief in my religion is the only thing that I can rely on to pull me through hard times.

I am willing to do anything or sacrifice anything for those I love. 

I believe in the bigger picture and in the plan that clearly is beyond me. but I believe in it and I trust it, so I'm letting go of everything I thought I knew and putting it all into the Lord's hands. 

And while I stood at the edge of my ocean today; I realized that I am so small in this world,

but that I still count for something anyway.

I am a believer of life and of living mine to the fullest potential.

I've got to do a little bit of reworking and going back to the drawing boards, 

but I am ready to face it.

I'm making my own plans (and working hard with God to make sure they are the right ones)

and I'm throwing my old ones away (the ones where I thought I knew what I was doing and clearly needed to be redirected)

Hello Summer, 2011. 

You are holding some of the biggest challenges I have yet to face.

but I'm ready to take you on.

this is my life. and i'm the only one who is strong enough to live it. 

I can't believe...

...that I am entering my last week in Rexburg for quite sometime. I am so excited to go home; to breathe solid New England air, to spend quality time with my ocean and summer and getting my freckles, to hang out with my family and to learn more about the beautiful individuals my siblings are becoming. I can not wait to invest time in things that I haven't had the ability to do lately, like reading classic novels and learning Spanish and Chinese and writing long letters to my best friend. I'm anxious, but overall, excited to get my new knee and to recover and work hard to be walking right for the first time in five years. I cannot wait to spend time with my kitty and to sleep in my big, glorious bed and to watch the fireflies come alive on hot August nights as the sun sets.

but honestly, I'm pretty sad about leaving Idaho. Rexburg has been my home for the last year and a half. Some of my favorite memories; my very best friends and the spirit that has taught me and shaped me into the person I am today are all here, in this small little town. There is a spirit and feeling about Rexburg that has change me, for the good. I am better here. I understand life here. I'm closer to God here.

because, when it comes down to it, I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be until I came here.

As cold as the winters get, and as dull as some nights can be,

this beautiful skyline and the countless stars that are scattered across the sky

the sand dunes, the big hill and the roads that only Cazz and I seem to know

this is where I figured myself out.

I know who I am now.

and I know where I want to go and who I want to continue to be.

So maybe it's okay that I'm leaving now, because I've got it figured out.

Thank you, Rexburg.

My heart may always belong to New England, but a large part of who I am is all thanks to you.

christmas time is here.

i'm making plans and i'm setting goals and I have things to do and people to see and a person to become.
this is my life and i'm in charge of it and i have to take care of myself and do things for me.
i'm tired of waiting on what-ifs and maybes. I'm going to be proactive and not let cancer or anything else stand in the way of what I want to do and where I want to go and who I want to be.

that being said. I have some serious goals and resolutions to write out for next year. looking back on this time, a year ago, I honestly cannot believe how much has changed and the person that I have grown into. I'm really starting to love who I am, and to be honest, I never thought I would get to that point. A year ago, I was still trying to put myself together, I was still bitter and angry and resentful, I was having issues trusting people and I hated so many things about myself that I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. And now, a year later, I'm more confident and secure about who I am than I ever have been before, I'm in the most beautiful and inspiring relationship I have ever come to know of, I am finally figuring out where I want to go with my life and the things I want to accomplish. I feel driven and motivated and most of all, I feel loved for who I am, not who people think I am. and that's a big deal.

Christmas is such a beautiful day, because I always get a chance to reflect back on who I am and who I am becoming and everything that has changed or happened to me during the last year. Can I just say that I'm in love with this year? and I'm in love with everything that I have faced, overcome, struggled with or accomplished? I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. and with hope.

because, after all, groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.

tomorrow

I need to mail a ton of letters to Mike tomorrow, along with my tax forms to my parents. I need to do laundry. I need to clean my room. I need to call Juli. I need to study for tests and do my homework. I need to spend time being productive and not procrastinating. I need to continue to pray and try to find understanding and peace. I need to hope. I need to be open. I need to trust. I need to believe that things will be okay. I need to be a good friend. I need to be genuine. I need to be strong.

I need to work on so many things.

I feel like I've hit this standstill and I'm not okay with that.

I want to love who I am again.

should I stay or should I go?

I am so close to giving in, to saying "Just go home, Chelsabelle."

but there is something in the back of my mind that won't let me give in just yet.

(along with my the encouragement and love from my friends)

I've come this far and fought so hard to be where I am right now.

If I let it go; if I give in...I know I won't bounce back.

and I know better then to let myself go there.

I don't ever want to go back there.

pep talk

i'm really trying to have complete faith and trust this time around.

but i have this gut feeling that things are changing again and I'm not sure how much more unstableness (is that even a word?) i can handle. deep breaths.

I should really just put my head down and study and focus on the things that should be the most important. reorganize your priorities, remember Chels? Keep breathing; remember that you are alive. Keep being; because someone somewhere will need you down the road; no matter what is going on right now or how out of place you feel. Keep believing, even if you aren't sure if there is anything to believe in. Try to believe in yourself; and one day you will get there. Know that things will work out; and that you will find peace somewhere, even if you feel troubled now.

Understand.

Try to understand that this is part of the plan, that everything happens for a reason. Remember that your family is pulling for you; that your mom is working on figuring out all of your health stuff and that you daddy loves you, no matter how much he teases you or gets on your case. Remember your roommate in Washington and that you will always have a home and a place with her; even if she is far away for the moment. Remember your two best friends serving missions; write to them! When you are feeling down the most, know that writing it out will help and showing your love and support to your boys will uplift you as well as them. Remember that it is okay to be emotional, and that it's okay to cry; and it's okay to do it by yourself.

Be okay.

Be okay with your choices, be okay with the people who you have let in and the people you have watched walk away. Don't regret anything, Chelsie. Be okay with the person you are. Try to love yourself, because no one else can love you when you can't love yourself. It's okay to want to improve; but try not to beat yourself up too much, because you are currently killing yourself right now. Embrace your imperfections. Recognize that you are human and you have a right to feel.

take care of yourself.

you need to eat better and you know that you need to be cautious about the habits you are slipping back into. Eat your food, and eat the healthy stuff and eat more then once a day. Stay away from the candy stash at work. Sleep more. Get your homework done earlier and don't procrastinate so often. Walk more; even if it kills you at the end of the day. Who knows when that ability might be taken away. You already had that scare once; don't take your legs for granted again.

Appreciate.

No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful.

Feel your lungs expand and wiggle your toes and keep your eyes open. Don't let those simple beautiful things pass you by. Go for drives, go to the river, watch the sunset, and love it all.

BE ALIVE.

You don't need anyone else to do it; you can love life on your own and you know how to. You worked on that all last summer when you were alone all of the time. Be that girl who kept her chin up, who was happy and who was selfless and who never let anything get her down. Trust with caution, handle your heart with care, but don't be afraid to give and share what you know with those who need it. Don't let others be blind to the things you see.

Remember your Savior.

Pray.

Chelsie, you gotta pray. You need to face your fears, because when it comes down to it, He is the only one who will not abandon you. you know that. You know that no matter how alone you might feel, he is always there. Lean on him. Because when things get so dark and things go so unsure and your hard moments turn into hard days and turn into hard weeks; He will be the light. When everything and everyone else disappears, He will guide you back.

Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. Deep Breath. Keep breathing, and remember that you are here for a reason and a purpose and you will understand in the end. Keep holding on, try not to give up.

This too shall pass.

only you can do this.

Chelsie Caroline Whitney:

this is YOUR life. YOUR choices. it's up to you and NO ONE else.

be calm, be brave, be strong. believe. it'll be okay.

8:27 PM

I feel so discouraged about the person I am today. I feel selfish, insecure, scared and alone. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for my friends; like I will never be able to give them what others can; and in that respect, I feel like I'm never going to have solid friend base because I'm not good enough. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that things are going to be okay and that I am loved and that my friends adore me; and other times I feel so out of place.

I would love to rewind a few months back when trust issues didn't exhaust me and when i kinda liked who I was.

now, I'm not so sure.

Hello, my name is Chelsie

I'm a soon-to-be twenty year old brown eyed, New England girl who is currently living her life in the great state of Idaho, which offers much more then potatoes. My day isn't complete unless I unintentionally harm myself at least twice and misplace my phone three times. I take naps frequently and I am always a slightly confused huge cuddle bug when I wake up. I dye my hair a lot; usually around a time when I can't control something in my life. I wear black eyeliner after a melt down; but I don't melt down easily these days. There are only three people (Best Friend, Roommate, Brother) that I feel safe enough to express my emotions and even they don't get those easily. I am a Mormon girl and I believe in my religion with all of my heart and I don't know where I would be without it. My car is my best friend; his name is Cazz and if I'm having a really bad day the only thing that can make me feel better is going for a drive. I have three main food groups when I am at school: Frozen Pizza, Chicken Noodle Soup and Ham and Cheese sandwiches. I am a survivor. I believe in livingSTRONG. I love taking pictures. My best friend's name is Juli and our friendship is defined by three main things: Chinese food, Camping trips and The Office. I cry at any movie where an animal gets hurt, lost or dies. I wouldn't be surprised if I grew up to be a crazy cat lady who took care of every kitty without a home. Once I bought a pelican statue at a yardsale because I couldn't bear the thought of it not being bought by anyone else and being thrown away. It is still in my room back home and I love it. I can somewhat play the piano and the guitar and I can really play the flute. Making music is the only thing that I find emotional release in, but I don't do it as often as I should. My ideal kind of day is a partly cloudy, sunny day in the mid 70's with a slight breeze, followed by a late afternoon thunderstorm. I love being barefoot; it makes me feel liberated. I believe in loving unconditionally, even though it often causes heartache. I believe in forgiveness, but I am not so good at it. I push my friends to go for their dreams because I see so much potential in them; even if they get annoyed with me. I'm majoring in History Education and I think I want to teach American History more then anything else. I wish I lived in the 1920's. I love going to school at BYU-I and I've met some of the most amazing people out here who have become my second family. They know who they are. I paint my fingernails black, but that has nothing to do with my emotional state, I just like the way they look. I like to play a game with the people around me; it's called "passed it" and it involves me singing a song and seeing if I can get it stuck in someone else's head. I'm very good at it. I love going for adventures, but I don't mind having nights where I am with someone who I can just sit next to in silence comfortably. If I sing in front of you, it means that I'm comfortable with you. If I snort when I laugh, that means you really made me happy. I don't believe in limitations, but I accept that I have to make adjustments when it comes to certain obstacles in my life. I don't get discouraged easily, but when I do, it takes me a while to get back on my feet. I believe in swinging, swimming and laughter and once I have some form of project going, I can't do anything else until I finish it. I have weird trust issues and I collect random things; like playing card tins. I'm a sentimental pack rat and have tons of movie ticket stubs, brochures and random pieces of stuff from my life glued into notebooks and journals. I love it when people call me Chelsie Caroline, Chelsabelle or just Chels; it makes me feel like I'm really cared for. I also like it when people rub my head or play with my hair, but I can't handle it when people touch the backs of my arms. I have a fear of sewers and storm drains and I can't walk over them and will do any kind of funky dance move necessary to avoid stepping on them. I also have a fear of losing my luggage when flying and of flying in general. Fall is my favorite season and I have a hard time being away from New Hampshire during the month of October because I know I'm missing out on the most beautiful scenery anyone could ask for. I love Boston, not because it's my city, but because I honestly think it is the most beautiful and historical city America has to offer. My favorite smell is the smell of rain in the mountains. It's different then the smell of rain in the city or rain in a suburb; it's more fresh and alive and I love it. I like tie-dye and nintendo 64, but not combined. I love any kind of drink with strawberries in it; which is why I live off of Jamba Juice's Strawberries Wild when I am at school and Dunkin Donut's Strawberry Coolata when I'm back East. My favorite kind of text message is a goodnight text or some random memory that will make me laugh. I like to have fun and to goof off, but I also crave serious conversations and points of view. I love people who are Alive and who aren't afraid to dress up in trash bags or dance around like a crazy person with me.

But really; the people in my frequent text group on my phone, the pictures on my wall and the mix CD currently in my car sums me up pretty well.

I know who I am and I know where I am going.

Hello. My name is Chelsie.

i need to be incredibly careful to not have a repeat of a year ago.

incredibly careful.

A Christmas Miracle

I think I have finally found peace.

I wrote this a while ago, and I found it today. I read it, changed it a little and now I feel like I can post it with my entire being behind it. I honestly and truly believe in what I have written.

I have found peace, after struggling and searching and praying for so long.

and that is my Christmas Miracle.

I wish I could learn to love myself the way that people think I do. Every time I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere, finally understanding myself, something happens that puts me back three or four steps and I’m nowhere. Progress always involves backtracking, but I’ve backtracked so much that I feel like I’m permanently going backwards.

I feel useless a lot of the time, but no one will ever know that. They all think that I am strong, compassionate, talented, a master of musical emotions. I have been through a lot and I try to love unconditionally. I can play some instruments and I understand chord progressions, but someone is always going to be better then I am. They see my hours of practicing and my blistered fingers and my arms splattered with ink from composing and they think: she is so amazing, so gifted, so talented. She has a gift. But the truth is; I’m just hardworking. I put my head down and I just move along. I don’t feel like I have my own rhythm. I spend hours creating them, but it turns out that they always belong to someone else.

My friends are so solid in their selves. I look at them and I wonder how they do it, and if they ever felt as undefined as I do now. Even my youngest friend, who is still growing and molding into her future self, seems to know exactly what kind of person she is going to be. And I wonder if I knew what kind of person I was going to be when I was her age, and that maybe it is just harder to be grown up then it is to grow up.

They look at me and think that music is my calling in life; that it was chosen for me before I born. They can’t see me without my music. Without the black notes clinging to my name like a caboose to the train, I am irrelevant. And maybe it is that fear that makes cling to music. Being irrelevant scares me more then being a shell.

But, I think I cling to music because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. They say that math is the universal language. But I think they got it wrong…whoever “they” is. Music speaks the same notes, the same sounds, the same emotions, no matter where you are or whatever language you speak. And you don’t need to go to school to understand what music is saying to you.

Math has never been one of my strong points.

I wasn’t expecting to meet him that night. I just tagged along with my friends. The only thing I really take notice of is how Kendra is wearing skinny jeans in an eggplant shade and how Erin’s scarf encompassed every shade of brown and green and was draped perfectly around her neck. And I wondered when I would be able to wear clothes that scream out who I am. But until then, I am still a blank canvas, like the white v-neck shirt draped over my body.

He’s like a breath of fresh air and I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen until I’m around him. His eyes are pools of mossy copper and his hair is always messy and when he laughs, it sounds almost like the summer breeze: childish and carefree. He likes plastic swords and nerf guns and he wears an orange beanie around as if he was about to go hunting any second. He reads older authors and believes in epic adventures, traveling and star gazing. I think he is the most genuine person I have ever met.

He asks me questions that I’ve never been asked before and I have to think a long time before I can answer them. Sometimes, he will tell me stories about when he was little and even though he doesn’t give me a moral, I always learn something from them anyways. Sometimes we don’t talk at all. We just sit on the steps outside his apartment and watch the world pass by and when it gets too cold or too dark, we get up and go inside and when I go home, I feel like I just had the best conversation in the world.

At the end of the year, I go home to New England and he goes back to California. I shed a few tears when I hug him goodbye, and he tells me that I’m the best friend he’s ever had and that I better call him soon. I tell him that I love him, because I do. And then I walk out of the door and drive away and I don’t understand why my eyes are getting wet, because he is just BP and we are the best of friends and that won’t go away because we’re going to be apart for a while.

My days are long and I feel like I am always on the go and that there is never any down time. The smallest things remind me of him and at the end of every day, I call him and tell him about the things I have seen or the people I have met or the music that I have made. And he asks me questions and takes an interest in what I have to say and tells me to keep going when I feel too tired. And I feel like I am finally waking up to the world when I hang up the phone to go to sleep.

My days become measured by the last time we talked and the next time that I will hear his voice. I try to take in every detail of what happens in between the hours of our phone calls so that I can answer his questions. He wants me to share my world with him and I find that I do have a world and that I want to share it with him. His laugh is almost like the summer breeze: childish and carefree, and I am in love with him and I didn’t even realize that I was.

He is going across the continent and I won’t see him for a couple of years. Things have been hard and he’s been distant and he only asks questions and doesn’t answer mine. I hear he’s been spending a lot of time with a previous love and I’m not jealous. I just hurt. I knew that he could only love me for so long before something got in the way, but I didn’t expect him to stop being my friend.

I guess people change though, and I go back to my music because music stays the same and I understand it. And it rains outside and I think that weather really isn’t a language but it still speaks volumes. And I wear my white v-neck t-shirt, but I don’t feel blank anymore. I pour my emotions into the piano and words flow from my blood through my fingertips onto paper, and I realize that I am my own person, because these are my feelings and no one else’s. He isn’t around to hear about my day or ask me questions that make me think and I fall asleep without his voice now every night. He’s with someone else and he isn’t mine and I realize that maybe he was never mine in the first place. And I love him and I know he still loves me in some way, but I think that some kinds of love are meant to be unspoken. Sometimes I think about the days when we would sit on the steps and I never felt so alive or myself or defined and I get sad because I miss talking to him, but for some reason, it makes sense to me.

I’m so busy and I am always on the go and there is just so much to do. I am almost always okay with his silence now, and my days are getting easier and although there is this void where he was, I can still function and my music is still being written. I’m still wearing my white t-shirts and I look at the stars once in a while and I wear an orange hat because it makes me happy. And my friend saw me wearing it and smiled and told me that only I would be able to pull them off.

I’m making new friends and I am finally starting to trust new people again. I’ve set goals and I’m actually achieving them. I’m being honest with myself and I’m asking myself my own questions now and I’m becoming inspired and I am beginning to understand myself and I think I might actually love who I am.

I am my own symphony.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

there is a world outside...did you know that?

The past three years, it has been drilled into my head that I have limitations.

I can't do certain things anymore, and I just have to accept it

I can't run, I can't jump, I can't skip.

I can't play outside when the weather is yucky.

I have to be careful.

one fall can be damaging;

can take away what little abilities I still have.

one fall can ruin everything.

limitations.

Starting this last summer, I've been facing my limitations head on.

I was heartbroken, tired, barely functioning

and I knew something had to change.

I began learning how to do things for myself,

because there is a world outside...

there is a world outside and I've been missing out

because I have been told that I can't experience it the way I used to be able to.

I've accepted it.

I understand that I physically can not do certain things anymore

and that I have to be careful.

but.

I refuse to be limited.

I refuse to be defined by my knees, or lack thereof

And so this summer, I faced my "limitations" and decided that just because certain things may be more difficult for me, or certain adjustments need to be made, I can't let the world pass me by anymore.

I learned how to belay rock climbers.

I ran around after kids all summer.

I walked the freedom trail.

I went white water kayaking again.

I hiked out to Sabbaday falls.

I played in huge waves in the Ocean and walked all the way to Salisbury center along the coast.

And recently, I've rediscovered the world of winter.

I've had snowball fights

I made a baby snow castle

I've been teaching some friends how to drive in the snow

there is a new parking lot across the street from my apartment that i've been doing donuts in.

And today I went on an adventure to Mesa Falls that involved driving into the mountains in a foot of snow, trekking in snow for a while to get to the falls, and just being outside.

and even though i might have taken a baby spill that got me feeling a little defeated

and my knee is pretty sore and swollen and I probably won't be able to use it tomorrow

i was outside and I got to enjoy the outdoors

and i went for it.

Whose woods these are, I think I know,

His house is in the village though

He will not see me stopping here

to watch his woods fill up with snow

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

but I have promises to keep

and miles to go before I sleep

and miles to go before I sleep.

I didn't say no. I didn't back down.

i am not limited.