on being honest

I've realized that in order to be honest with others, I have to first be honest with myself.
Today was a huge wake up call for me. But I was honest with myself and now I know what I need to work on. Now I know what choices I need to re-evaluate. Now I know where to go from here.

I will not worry. I will not stress. I will have faith, I will be honest and I will fear not.
I will not be left comfortless.

i'm lost about this.

i just want you to reach back to me. I don't know what more I can do to be accepted by you. I'm really not that bad of a person. I understand that you have your reservations, but i'm gonna be around for a while. i'm not making any promises, but i plan on being in this for the long haul. it would be really great if i wasn't under the assumption that you hate me.

i'm really trying.

 I don't like promises. Even promises made with the best intentions tend to be broken.

I am a Birch Tree and this is an Ice Storm

Ice storms are eerily beautiful.

Everything is covered in a thick layer of glass

and when the sun comes out,

the light reflects off of every inch of every surface

and it's blinding

But the thing about ice storms is that they are detrimental to trees.

The ice piles on so thick and so fast and gets so heavy that the branches snap.

Back East, ice storms are not rare.

And it always hurt my heart to see so many trees broken when the worst was over.

But I always admired those Birch trees.

the bitter cold descends

the water freezes

the ice thickens

and the birch tree bends

the tops touching the ground

but nothing breaks...

I feel like a birch tree.

I can take tons of ice, and I can let it pile up

and I can bend and bend and bend.

I am a birch tree.

but the thing is....

Even birch trees break.

pep talk

i'm really trying to have complete faith and trust this time around.

but i have this gut feeling that things are changing again and I'm not sure how much more unstableness (is that even a word?) i can handle. deep breaths.

I should really just put my head down and study and focus on the things that should be the most important. reorganize your priorities, remember Chels? Keep breathing; remember that you are alive. Keep being; because someone somewhere will need you down the road; no matter what is going on right now or how out of place you feel. Keep believing, even if you aren't sure if there is anything to believe in. Try to believe in yourself; and one day you will get there. Know that things will work out; and that you will find peace somewhere, even if you feel troubled now.

Understand.

Try to understand that this is part of the plan, that everything happens for a reason. Remember that your family is pulling for you; that your mom is working on figuring out all of your health stuff and that you daddy loves you, no matter how much he teases you or gets on your case. Remember your roommate in Washington and that you will always have a home and a place with her; even if she is far away for the moment. Remember your two best friends serving missions; write to them! When you are feeling down the most, know that writing it out will help and showing your love and support to your boys will uplift you as well as them. Remember that it is okay to be emotional, and that it's okay to cry; and it's okay to do it by yourself.

Be okay.

Be okay with your choices, be okay with the people who you have let in and the people you have watched walk away. Don't regret anything, Chelsie. Be okay with the person you are. Try to love yourself, because no one else can love you when you can't love yourself. It's okay to want to improve; but try not to beat yourself up too much, because you are currently killing yourself right now. Embrace your imperfections. Recognize that you are human and you have a right to feel.

take care of yourself.

you need to eat better and you know that you need to be cautious about the habits you are slipping back into. Eat your food, and eat the healthy stuff and eat more then once a day. Stay away from the candy stash at work. Sleep more. Get your homework done earlier and don't procrastinate so often. Walk more; even if it kills you at the end of the day. Who knows when that ability might be taken away. You already had that scare once; don't take your legs for granted again.

Appreciate.

No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful.

Feel your lungs expand and wiggle your toes and keep your eyes open. Don't let those simple beautiful things pass you by. Go for drives, go to the river, watch the sunset, and love it all.

BE ALIVE.

You don't need anyone else to do it; you can love life on your own and you know how to. You worked on that all last summer when you were alone all of the time. Be that girl who kept her chin up, who was happy and who was selfless and who never let anything get her down. Trust with caution, handle your heart with care, but don't be afraid to give and share what you know with those who need it. Don't let others be blind to the things you see.

Remember your Savior.

Pray.

Chelsie, you gotta pray. You need to face your fears, because when it comes down to it, He is the only one who will not abandon you. you know that. You know that no matter how alone you might feel, he is always there. Lean on him. Because when things get so dark and things go so unsure and your hard moments turn into hard days and turn into hard weeks; He will be the light. When everything and everyone else disappears, He will guide you back.

Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. Deep Breath. Keep breathing, and remember that you are here for a reason and a purpose and you will understand in the end. Keep holding on, try not to give up.

This too shall pass.

Hello, my name is Chelsie

I'm a soon-to-be twenty year old brown eyed, New England girl who is currently living her life in the great state of Idaho, which offers much more then potatoes. My day isn't complete unless I unintentionally harm myself at least twice and misplace my phone three times. I take naps frequently and I am always a slightly confused huge cuddle bug when I wake up. I dye my hair a lot; usually around a time when I can't control something in my life. I wear black eyeliner after a melt down; but I don't melt down easily these days. There are only three people (Best Friend, Roommate, Brother) that I feel safe enough to express my emotions and even they don't get those easily. I am a Mormon girl and I believe in my religion with all of my heart and I don't know where I would be without it. My car is my best friend; his name is Cazz and if I'm having a really bad day the only thing that can make me feel better is going for a drive. I have three main food groups when I am at school: Frozen Pizza, Chicken Noodle Soup and Ham and Cheese sandwiches. I am a survivor. I believe in livingSTRONG. I love taking pictures. My best friend's name is Juli and our friendship is defined by three main things: Chinese food, Camping trips and The Office. I cry at any movie where an animal gets hurt, lost or dies. I wouldn't be surprised if I grew up to be a crazy cat lady who took care of every kitty without a home. Once I bought a pelican statue at a yardsale because I couldn't bear the thought of it not being bought by anyone else and being thrown away. It is still in my room back home and I love it. I can somewhat play the piano and the guitar and I can really play the flute. Making music is the only thing that I find emotional release in, but I don't do it as often as I should. My ideal kind of day is a partly cloudy, sunny day in the mid 70's with a slight breeze, followed by a late afternoon thunderstorm. I love being barefoot; it makes me feel liberated. I believe in loving unconditionally, even though it often causes heartache. I believe in forgiveness, but I am not so good at it. I push my friends to go for their dreams because I see so much potential in them; even if they get annoyed with me. I'm majoring in History Education and I think I want to teach American History more then anything else. I wish I lived in the 1920's. I love going to school at BYU-I and I've met some of the most amazing people out here who have become my second family. They know who they are. I paint my fingernails black, but that has nothing to do with my emotional state, I just like the way they look. I like to play a game with the people around me; it's called "passed it" and it involves me singing a song and seeing if I can get it stuck in someone else's head. I'm very good at it. I love going for adventures, but I don't mind having nights where I am with someone who I can just sit next to in silence comfortably. If I sing in front of you, it means that I'm comfortable with you. If I snort when I laugh, that means you really made me happy. I don't believe in limitations, but I accept that I have to make adjustments when it comes to certain obstacles in my life. I don't get discouraged easily, but when I do, it takes me a while to get back on my feet. I believe in swinging, swimming and laughter and once I have some form of project going, I can't do anything else until I finish it. I have weird trust issues and I collect random things; like playing card tins. I'm a sentimental pack rat and have tons of movie ticket stubs, brochures and random pieces of stuff from my life glued into notebooks and journals. I love it when people call me Chelsie Caroline, Chelsabelle or just Chels; it makes me feel like I'm really cared for. I also like it when people rub my head or play with my hair, but I can't handle it when people touch the backs of my arms. I have a fear of sewers and storm drains and I can't walk over them and will do any kind of funky dance move necessary to avoid stepping on them. I also have a fear of losing my luggage when flying and of flying in general. Fall is my favorite season and I have a hard time being away from New Hampshire during the month of October because I know I'm missing out on the most beautiful scenery anyone could ask for. I love Boston, not because it's my city, but because I honestly think it is the most beautiful and historical city America has to offer. My favorite smell is the smell of rain in the mountains. It's different then the smell of rain in the city or rain in a suburb; it's more fresh and alive and I love it. I like tie-dye and nintendo 64, but not combined. I love any kind of drink with strawberries in it; which is why I live off of Jamba Juice's Strawberries Wild when I am at school and Dunkin Donut's Strawberry Coolata when I'm back East. My favorite kind of text message is a goodnight text or some random memory that will make me laugh. I like to have fun and to goof off, but I also crave serious conversations and points of view. I love people who are Alive and who aren't afraid to dress up in trash bags or dance around like a crazy person with me.

But really; the people in my frequent text group on my phone, the pictures on my wall and the mix CD currently in my car sums me up pretty well.

I know who I am and I know where I am going.

Hello. My name is Chelsie.

but really. sometimes I feel like I'm really disappearing.

and this time there isn't anyone around to stop it from happening.

and the thing that scares me the most is that I'm almost okay with it.

maybe if I keep on telling myself that I am not that girl, it will make the fact that I once was go away. I've been telling myself that all day for the past few days, but it isn't working. memories and the past have been coming back to haunt me. I'm quiet and the littlest thing sets me off and I'm sucking at being a friend to others. Real smiles are hard to come by and laughter is a rarity and I can't even have a decent conversation with the people who I am usually so open with. I'm not myself and the person who I've becoming is slowly disappearing and I can't stop it.

but maybe this whole disappearing thing is for the best....

Warning: extreme emotional content ahead

Warning: extreme emotional and slightly dramatic content ahead.

This is what my conclusion is as of late:

I’ve been so angry and so bitter and in such shock (still) for the last five and a half months that I haven’t really taken the time to really examine what exactly is broken and damaged.

Yeah, I’ve been putting myself back together all summer and into this semester. I know that I’m doing better. I’ve ignored things that keep on coming up and I push memories way back into my head. I am not okay with what happened in May…but I’ve accepted that it did happen. It did happen and I have every right to be angry and bitter and to just push forward without really giving it a second thought. I’ve had my moments when what happened in May comes out of nowhere and hits me so hard that I forget to breathe. And then I get too angry that I just ignore it and push forward. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that he broke me and I don’t want to let myself what it feels like to broken. I don’t want to hurt, and I do not want to feel weak. That is what I have trained myself in for the last three years. Showing weakness interrupts my life along with the ones around me. I have learned that the hard way. Plus, I don’t have the time to feel weak or broken, so I’ve pushed it aside and put myself back together. I’ve focused on other things, setting achievable and tangible goals and pushing forward. I haven’t given myself any reason, chance or time to be hurt or sad. That is just the way things are.

But some things have come up in my life lately that has forced me to take the time and assess the damage. I’ve realized that even though I have made a lot of progress in my every day life, it will mean nothing if I really don’t take the time to figure out what is really wrong and try to overcome it. It has the potential to follow me for the rest of my life.

And this is what I’ve come up with:

I am afraid. I think about how perfect everything was and how our story couldn’t have been more perfectly constructed. We were best friends, we earned each other’s trust, we taught each other new things when it came to relationships and learned how to function while being apart. I trusted him with everything. There wasn’t a part of me that he didn’t know and in turn, he began to trust me with everything. It amazed me everyday how well functioning our relationship was. We gave and took equally and communicated about everything. We voiced our fears, concerns, hopes and dreams and encouraged each other and walked through our trials hand in hand. I think about how much he knew about me and how much I entrusted him with. I think about how he knew my faults and imperfections and how he told me he loved me for them. I think about how much of myself I gave to him and how I can’t express in words how far I let him in. And then I realize the giant hole in my being when I think about what was there and what went missing.

And after the events in May, I don’t know how much of that was true. I don’t know how much of our relationship was real. And after he had worked so hard to break my trust barriers down, I never thought he would betray my trust. I never thought he would do that. Never saw it coming. Maybe that is why things are so hard. I never saw this coming.

And now, I realize that I can’t be excited about harmless flirting or crushes or cute gestures. I get this intense rush of panic. Sheer, utter panic. Sometimes, I’ll be in the middle of my homework, sitting in the Crossroads during the busiest time of the day and something will cross my mind and before I realize it, I’m almost hyperventilating. HOW RIDICULOUS! I think about how the last time I was in a similar situation, how I got into something so serious that I planned my future around it and how that future fell down and how I was left alone with no idea where to go or how to move forward. I realize that I can’t trust anyone new. I can’t rely on them to always be there, because the person who I never thought would leave me, did. No matter how nice or kind or constant or consistent they are, I can’t bring myself to trust them to be real friends. I realize that I have a problem with flirting and getting attention from boys and such because all’s I can see is what will happen in the end. I see a serious relationship, and then I see an end. I get ahead of myself and assume the worse. I shouldn’t think about those things when nothing remotely serious has come about. Spending time with a guy doesn’t mean that they are going to try to get me to promise to marry them and then just drop me. Right?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I realize that I might not find someone else willing and wanting to learn about me and share things with me like he did. Someone who wants to know every little detail about me, end their day with me and listen to my pointless stories and obsessions about pelican statues and Lord of the Rings. And even if I did find someone like that, I would probably never give them the chance to learn about me, because I have the fear that they would just get up and walk away with another piece of me. I wouldn’t let them far enough in to even consider it.

I feel very guarded. I can almost see the brick walls that I have built around myself. I can feel the panic start to build when I spend a little too much time with someone new or I start talking about something deeper then I would normally talk about. And now, as I write this, I panic because I fear that I will never let myself be able to go for it again. Will I be on my own for the rest of my life because of my fears?

It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I have to feel this damaged and this scared and totally unsafe in the presence of others. It makes me so unbelievably angry that I can’t give new people the chance to learn about me, and that I have melt downs when I think about getting close to someone new. I know that they say it is always better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I think that I don’t have a problem with loving as much as I am having a problem with being loved.

I’m angry. I’m trying to let it go, and I am trying to move forward. Some days are better then others. I want to let it go and move on with my life. I don’t want to be afraid of these things, but I don’t know how to go about fixing them. Maybe all of these feelings are delayed. Maybe I should have let myself feel these things sooner.

But like I said, I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like showing that I am broken. But the truth is, I am a mess. No one has really seen that, but if I am being totally honest, I hurt constantly. And I know that he didn’t do anything to you, and I know that you still see him as the goofy, fun Californian from Fall semester, but for gosh sakes, I am your friend too. And he has lots of things to sustain him and keep him busy, and I am the one left behind, trying to move forward. Me.

I need closure.

Closure that hasn’t come and probably won’t.

It isn’t fair that you left me like this, with so much damaged and no way of getting my unanswered questions asked or the ability to put myself back together. It isn’t fair that I have to work so hard to put myself back together, and that I have to do it by myself. It is not fair that you broke me, but that you also took away one of the only friends who I would have turned to for comfort. You broke every promise you made to me, you lied to me, you used me, you took my secrets and you left me.

You ran.

And I hate you for that.

mixed feelings on a saturday afternoon

if I could describe my feelings in one word right now...I would use the word "mixed". There really isn't anything else that comes close to explaining how I feel.

After my melt down on Thursday, I had a great and inspiring pep talk from MK, which put me back in high spirits and more determined attitude. I had a great friday night and this morning/early afternoon was amazing. It is so great to be sitting in my living room with friends who have stayed around for a while. We went on an amazing movie making adventure, and had tons of fun putting together our golden music video.

I've been holding myself together.

But one silly mistake to delve into something that I KNEW would hurt in the end has cracked my foundations.

But really, Chelsie Caroline, do you need to hear those words to feel good about yourself? More importantly, do you need to hear those words from that someone?

Once again, I am thrown back into the summer months, where I focused on healing and bettering myself. I want to be solid in myself, trust in myself and dream for myself. I know that there isn't a promise that can't be broken, unless I make it to myself. Those are the only promises in this world that I can trust.

Focus: History and Friends and School. Big brothers and best friends. family.

The letter is sent and the hand has been out-stretched and there is nothing left for me to do.

It is in God's hands and I must have faith and trust.

Faith and Fear cannot co-exist!

abandonment anxiety complex

My big black and white kitty named MgGinnus has developed what I call "abandonment anxiety complex." Ever since we have been home from our week vacation at the beach house, he has been following someone around non-stop. He won't leave any one alone, and this is very unlike him. He will sit in your lap, he will sit on your bed, he will sit in your chair, he will sit on your back when you are reading your book on your tummy. He is very affectionate, which only happens on a regular basis when he is hungry. He is affectionate 24/7 now. When he can't find anyone in the house, he will sit in the hallway and meow the saddest little cry for love you will ever hear until someone calls his name or goes to get him and bring him back to their room. When he sees us getting our bags and keys to leave for the day, he gets anxious. He sits at the top of the stairs with wide eyes until we are on our way out the door and then tries to get out with us. We have to gently push him back to shut the front door and walk away from the little kitty face peaking out the window, watching us leave.

Abandonment Anxiety Complex. It probably isn't a real term, but my kitty is suffering from it. 

And while he was mewing in the middle of the hall today, I thought to myself. We all suffer from AAC sometimes. At least I do. I have watched a lot of people who I love and trust and have let into my heart leave me and it has deepened my fear that the people who are still in my life will leave me too. Sometimes, I get clingy, like Gin is now.  Sometimes, I get upset, like Gin gets when we leave. Sometimes, I get over affectionate, so that people will remember that they love me and they won't want to leave.

But I realized today that the thing to remember is that no matter where I am or who has left me, I am never alone. 

God is always with me, and will come find me in the hallway when I can't find anyone else and pick me up and bring me to a place where I feel safe and comforted.

And I think that is truly beautiful.

As for MgGin, he will eventually realize that the house will always have someone home every night until next beach week, in the summer of '10 and he will revert back to his affectionate ways of only being nice when he is hungry. What a character.

sentimental pack rat

Today the great clean out of '09 begins. I have 10 days left in The Shire before heading across the country, back to school.

My first project was to drag the giant bin from under my bed and go through it and see what the heck is in it. The last time I went through it had to have been four or five years ago.

and I have come to the conclusion that I am a sentimental pack rat. 

Gosh, there was so much crap in that bin that I can not throw away to save my life. I have saved every get well card, birthday card, valentines day card, graduation card that I have ever received since my 13th birthday. There is a notebook from my Freshman year with a "friend-rating list." What the crap? I apparently rated my friends 1-10, 10 being best friends and 1 being friendly but not friends. I must have went back a few months later because a lot of numbers are crossed off and replaced. I was so weird and slightly conceded. I have news paper clippings on end of family, friends and a few of myself. There are ticket stubs from movies, planes, trips and art galleries, pictures taken from my old polaroid camera, tons of notes and comics passed to me in the hallways of freshman/sophomore year, half done cross word puzzles, and get this:

A protractor in it's package with "A protractor for my 8th grade math class that I never opened" scribbled in my middle school handwriting. 

And try as I might, I could not throw anything away from that box. Everything I have in there has a memory attached, a life lesson learned or something I have improved on. 

But for real. If I am not careful with what I save, then I am going to end up on that show on when I am 40 years old and can't see my toilet because I have so much stuff. I'll pass the line of packrat into a hoarder, like this man:

Or maybe I will just be a cat lady.

I guess we will see.

I've decided...

...that time is the most ridiculous thing ever.

It passes by too slow or too fast. It changes things. It changes places, it changes things, it changes people, it changes relationships; it can even change love.

but, we live our lives by the clock. Seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into months. No matter how it happens, time does pass. 

It brings good things. It brings bad things. It brings trials. It brings hope. It brings a new day every morning and it brings rest every night. 

Time and I have had a very intense battle lately. It just boggles my mind how somethings can be solid in one way and within a week; everything be totally different. I'm angry that my plans with time never really happen the way I want them. Time hurts. Memories of time past and thoughts of the time to come. It hurts. 

But I know it will pass. And I welcome the good things that it will bring. I welcome the trials that it has in store.

In this time of need and fear; where time goes by too fast and too slow at the same instance; when dreaming and plans and goals all seem to hold heartache; this is when I must remind myself and believe that there is a plan. There is a plan for me. I have a purpose and a reason and going through these emotions and trials right now are all part of the plan to make me a better person, a stronger person. Sometimes I don't see how I am going to get through the next few weeks. But I know that they will pass. I know that they will hold hurt and I know they will hold happiness. 

I am thankful, so so so thankful for the time I have had with my friends; both in Idaho and back home. Today, I am particularly grateful and humbled for all of the time I have had the opportunity to spend with my boyfriend. I have learned and I have grown so much in the time that we have shared over the last few months. I am thankful for all that he has taught me and all I have learned from him. Our time has passed too quickly for me, and now it is time for him to leave. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. Time has changed our thoughts and focuses. We've always known that we have had to face this reality, but we never realized how real it was going to be.

But because of time, I know that I will always have a best friend in him, and I will always have a home. And as the time comes for him to leave, and for us to part our different ways; him to Canada, and me to New England/Idaho, I know that we will always keep the time we have had together close to us. 

I welcome time. Let it come. Let it pass as it pleases. Let me continue to grow. Let me continue to have trials, and let me continue to grow from them. Please let me continue to trust the Lord, and to have faith in my plan.

These are my thoughts.

This is my prayer.

holes.

I guess it's no secret that I'm a twilight fan. Not so much the movie, but I really do enjoy the books. Not so much the writing, but the story. Who doesn't love a good love story? 

Anyways. The point is. 

There really isn't much I can put into word right now, except for the fact that this is harder then I saw coming or thought. I didn't think it would be like this at all. 

And as I lie here in my bed, I can't help but think about Bella in New Moon. She described her pain as if she had a whole in her body. A gaping raw hole because half of her had been taken away. She spent half of the book with her arms wrapped around her middle, trying to keep herself together, because she felt so incomplete.

I slept last night with my arms around my middle. I always said that I was full of swiss cheese. I've lost a lot of friends and family the last few years, and they have left me pretty holey. This hole is different. It's encompassing. I can't help but keep my arms wrapped around my middle because if I don't, I will fall apart. 

I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that it was going to hurt. I knew that.

I just didn't think it was going to hurt now. 

I didn't expect the dreaming to end. 

Clowns, Fire and Luggage

so last night, as I was being ridiculed for my fear of midget clowns, I got to thinking about all of my ridiculous little fears that I have. 

I am afraid of my christmas tree being left on during the night and igniting.

I am afraid of my luggage getting lost when I'm flying

I am afraid of mail that I send never getting to the person I want it to get to

I am afraid of missing an important phone call

I am afraid of sewers and grates in the ground

I am afraid of my door being unlocked when I'm driving

I am also afraid of my back door being unlocked when I'm sleeping.

I am afraid of driving in the dark alone

I am afraid of walking to my car by myself in busy parking lots

I am afraid of midget clowns

and I am okay with these fears. They make me who I am. I embrace them and even though I get made fun of some of them because they are kind of ridiculous, I'm okay with it.

That's all.