on being an educator

I never thought that going into the professional field of education would be considered dangerous.
As of Friday, it most definitely is.

And I, like everyone else in the nation, am rocked by what happened in a part of my beloved New England. Shattered. Distraught.

But of this, I have no doubt: In the limited teaching experiences I have, both in China and in Madison Middle this last semester, I would not hesitate to do whatever I could to protect my students. Because that is what unconditional love is; and it's a precious and invaluable lesson that I have learned throughout the last year. And those educators who died on Friday, protecting their kids? Without a doubt, one of the most incredible examples of unconditional love in the world.

May angels lead them in and may we all find comfort in the knowledge that they are safe, sound and home.

Teacher Beth

There are times when I miss being a teacher in China so much that it takes everything I have to not start crying. 

I miss my students. I miss their little faces and hugs and giggles and constant shouts of "Teeeecha Chelsieee." I miss the way they would light up when they saw me coming to tuck them in or play with them on the play ground. I miss working my tail off in order to give them the best education I could.

I miss being a teacher in China.

And my head teacher posted this photo today of one of my favorite students, Beth. This was one of the last days of teaching and I let her wear the apron and be "Teacher Beth" for the day. She was ecstatic, and so incredibly helpful! She kept on telling everyone else "English Only!" and wanting to give out strikes to those who spoke Chinese.

And I saw this photo and felt a physical ache in my heart where she, and the rest of my second graders are supposed to be.

Being her teacher (and sometimes letting her being the teacher) was one of the greatest things I've ever done. And I'm feeling pretty lost without my students these days.

in this moment

I need to talk to you more than anything or anyone else right now. 

And I hate that I can't. 

At all.

I can't talk to you at all right now.

And today, I hate that.

I'll never be able to express this fully:

I miss you.

I just miss you. 

So. much.

too close

You are too close, too close.

And the hallways that never knew you echo of your constant shadows,

scream of their emptiness,

because they understand your absence now.

and your footprints are on the dirt roads, 

the ones that used to belong just to me.

and they all smile at me as they tell me how

your hand has been placed in all of theirs.

and the life I've been waiting to share...

you have discovered it all on your own.

hear you me

May Angels lead you in.

miss you more everyday, Maddie.

spread your wings and fly, butterfly.

<3

If you really knew me,

you would know that I'm not out to destroy anyone or anything. You would know that I love my friends and family with all that I have and that I'm willing to sacrifice everything and anything asked of me to support them. If you really knew me, you would know that I tear up at allstate commercials and that I like to cook using a crock pot. And that when I go up the stairs, I cry because my knees work. And that I tend to see life better through a camera lens and that diagramming a sentence correctly makes me feel like I can succeed in life. You would know about the guilt I struggle with about surviving cancer and the insecurities I have about my scars and disfigurations. If you really knew me, you would know that when a good song comes on the radio, I roll my windows down and laugh because I remember that I'm alive. You would know that I bend, but rarely break and that I stand up and fight for what I believe in. If you really knew me, you would know that I believe in love and in miracles and in hope and in God. And that I have a testimony of the LDS church and in missionary work. You would know that I believe in forgiveness. If you really knew me, you would know that I'm not dumb and that I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. And that I'm an English major, and that I can read in between the lines. If you really knew me, you would know how much your disapproval and dislike tears me apart. You would know how many tears I have shed over feeling so misunderstood. You would know how many times I have fallen to my knees in prayer for comfort and guidance about what to do and how to act and what to say. You would know how genuinely hard I am trying to make things better and the dread I carry with me all of the time because they aren't.

If only you really knew me.

Back to School

I was thinking about writing this morning-catching everyone up about how incredible it's been to be back in Idaho and to be reunited with my Idaho Family. I have been on. the. go. ever since my feet touched the ground in Salt Lake. I've been reunited with Symone and Trish and Russel and the Klenotiches. I've been reunited with Brian, Mike, Benjamin, Mark, Jaron and Jared-all friends from my first semester who are back from their missions. I went back to work. I've made new friends. And I've become huge fans of my roommates already.

I was going to write about how happy I am and how everything looked so promising this semester.

And then tonight, I came home to my brand new apartment and to my brand new roommates. And we found out that two of them (who I already have become such big fans of) were in a terrible car accident, leaving one of them in the ICU and both of them probably out of school for the rest of the semester. We spent the evening running around, making phone calls, talking to our managers and sitting in the hospital until two in the morning. And all of a sudden; everything has lost it's sheen. Everything that was all bright and shinny...it's all dull and shades of grey now.

And I keep thinking: "How do i go to school on monday, when everything all of a sudden has been turned upside down?"

leggings and flashbacks

I loved being able to walk into your apartment after a long day of work without knocking, and being greeted by whoever was sitting in the living room like it was no big deal. I would always just chuck my backpack on the couch or on the table and hang my peacoat on the back of the lone kitchen chair. Usually you would come out from the back by then because you heard me come in and as you kissed me hello, I would announce: "IT'S LEGGINGS TIME!" Those five minutes: the feeling of safety as soon as I saw you, the light, loving kiss hello, how warm you felt as I curled up into your right side, and the way you put your arm around me and held me close while we talked about our day and planned for our night; those first five minutes were so regular to us. They happened every day for four months, and they felt so natural, like we had been doing it for years and would continue to follow our routine for years so come. 


I've made it through six months without those five minutes. I'm doing really well, despite our crazy circumstances. I've really learned to trust God and I've seen so many blessings through my obedience and dedication to the rules we were given. And, I'm planning some big things for myself, like school and China and writing. I'm happy here; I'm happy here at home and I'm learning a lot. But I put my leggings on tonight and I so badly wanted to be curled up into your right side with your arm around my shoulders and my head in the crook of your neck and for five minutes, just for five minutes, to talk about our day.


I am so proud of you. And as much as I miss you, I know how happy you are and that makes everything worth it to me.

and i knew it well

heavy emotions rendered limbs exhausted.
my knees bent firmly into fragile ribs
wrapped around an uneven boulder,
hewn from the cliff face of anxiety.
honey hair fanned out across dark denim
frozen in a motionless wind.

eyebrows raised at equations that didn't balance out.
unknown variables hiding underneath the deep earth of a bottomless ocean.
it was cold; and winter was on the horizon,
faintly glowing with the remaining embers of fires and memories of burning smiles.
The one that pierced me with your curious intensity across a crowded room.

you told me you loved me
and i knew it well.




i love you.
and i know it well.

i miss you.

I'm doing my best

Falling asleep without you for just the third night in the row and I find myself praying hard and my hands tremble and my pillow is drenched in tears and smudged black mascara as I ask and hope for one more night, for one more moment, for one more second in your arms in Narnia.
and the quiet pulse of acoustic guitar seeps from your speakers propped on my desk, and the words of one of our favorite songs from your mix cd fill my room and you surround me everywhere here in this lonely little town in every way possible. And I feel your smile in every corner of every street and i miss your laugh at every table in the cafeteria and I see your back to me as you ride your bike down the hill and i feel the wind in my hair as i stretched my arms out on the back of a motor bike as we coasted down our favorite road and you screamed at the top of your lungs that you loved me more then anything and you are everywhere, you are everywhere, you are everywhere, down to the chipped blue nail polish on my toes and i miss you and i miss you and i miss you.

But I'm doing my best. I am doing my best and through a telescope lens, I'll see you soon.

oh brother.

today, i miss Geoff.

i would like nothing better than to be in the passenger seat of that little white eclipse, music pulsating through the seats and the purr of the manual transmission vibrating the doors; my feet on the dash and the heat blowing on my face and the solid tenor of Geoff's voice singing "you are loved" at the top of his lungs; green eyes wide with happiness and his chuckle interwoven at his missed notes. I would look at him and he would wait patiently for me to spill and once I had finished a five minute rant about why there were tears in my eyes, he would pull the car over in the temple parking lot so that the windshield was overlooking the Rexburg valley and take a deep breath.

"you are loved, sister." he would say. "don't give up. you are worth it; you deserve it, this is part of your plan, just trust in it. Trust the boy; listen to him because he knows you and he understands. don't give up, don't give in."

and I would take a deep breath and realize that he was right and that I do deserve love and that I am capable of being in this super healthy and stable relationship and that I should just listen to that boy, like Geoff said, because he is honest with me and we were meant for each other.

i just need a pep talk from Geoff.

22 months

it's been 22 months, Maddie girl.
Your mom emailed me the other day and I'm going to go visit her before I go back to school. I'll miss seeing your face while I'm there and playing Webkinz. I miss you always.

thank you for the strength you continue to give me and for the example you left for me to follow.

I love you forever.

i'll see you in the morning

if there is one downside to having a pet...it's having to say goodbye...

especially when you didn't see it coming...

Sleep well, my little mountain lion. You are loved more then you will ever know. Thank you for the laughs, the snuggles, the protection and the friendship you have never failed to provide over the last six years. I've never met a kitty who loved to be rocked like a baby, who would wait at the top of the steps for us to come home, who would get his head stuck in tissue boxes and who would perch on my shoulder like a parrot to get a better view out the window. I hope they have a lot of food where you are, and chipmunks you can actually run after and your favorite feather toy. I'm so sorry I didn't get to say goodbye properly; I'm sorry you got so sick and I'm sorry I couldn't make it better. I'm so sad you aren't going to be there waiting for me in August. I'm so sad. 

I love you, Gin. You are my boy, and the best kitty I've ever known.

Sleep well. I'll be seeing you in the morning. 

dear brother

Dear Brother,

Today was the last time we got to spend time together for a while. And although I know that things will be okay and that the next chapter in your life is going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you in the next two years; I am very sad. I'm going to be selfish and say I didn't want to see you go. 

I don't know what I'm going to do without you close by.

But I know that everything will be okay.

Geoffrey is like a teddy bear...except better because he talks. 

There isn't much to say, except thank you for everything, especially all of the time you have shared with me.

stay safe.

see you soon. 

always,

Chelsabelle

8:27 PM

I feel so discouraged about the person I am today. I feel selfish, insecure, scared and alone. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for my friends; like I will never be able to give them what others can; and in that respect, I feel like I'm never going to have solid friend base because I'm not good enough. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that things are going to be okay and that I am loved and that my friends adore me; and other times I feel so out of place.

I would love to rewind a few months back when trust issues didn't exhaust me and when i kinda liked who I was.

now, I'm not so sure.