My room is a mess. And usually, I'm indifferent about it, but lately, it's ben driving me up a wall. My laundry, although clean, has yet to be put away, even though it was taken out of the dryer three or four days ago. I have four or five pairs of shoes lying everywhere. Once again, I'm not sure where exactly my wallet is, or if my I-card is in it. Although I've been doing a lot better in my schooling, I still feel like i have no form of structure. I've been trying to call home more often, but i still feel out of touch with my sisters and brother. And I'm tired of it, of these unorganized and scattered pieces of my life. Because it's more then just my messy room, my unstructured schooling and my lack of communication with home. The little snatches of my life are only a small fraction of the real mess I feel like I'm in.
Why did I let it get like this?
This is what I came up with last night, this morning; while I was awake and while I was asleep; while I was talking to my friends and while I was talking to God, and while I was talking with myself.
It's time, Chelsie. It's time to dream again. It's time to let it all go, to leave all of the fears and the insecurities and the shame behind. It's holding you back, and has been for a while. It's time to let it go.
I've finaly come to the full realization that ever since getting sick, three years ago, that I have been afraid to dream, to look forward towards the duture, to make big goals and have aspirations. All of a sudden, everything that I had beenn working towards living for, and looking forward to, vanished. I watched as the simplest and littlest things that I had taken for granted every day of my life were taken away, and suffered the sever pain and heartbreak of losing those tings. It soon became pointless for me to even hope or look forward to the moments where it seemed I might have a glimpse of those little joys of life back. I would watch days ass by and things draw closer and then, when it finally seemed I would have something back within my grasp, it was taken away again; snatched up right in front of my eyes. And while it taught me to appreciate those things more and more, my life soon followed the motto: One day at a time. That was all I could handle, and all I could take. I stopped hoping and dreaming, because the heartbreak and fear of watching those dreams and hopes getting taken away was unbearable.
And I have not stopped living my life like that since then. Graduating, working, going to college...they were all things that I never really worked to get to. I just worked one day at a time and eventually all of those days brought me up to those points in my life. Looking back over the last semester, I realize that I was still in the rut of not having dreams. Instead of looking forward, like most college students do, I took a couple steps back. I lost one of the most beautiful and wonderful little girls to the very same demon that I face and fear. She was seriously one of the most brilliant and amazing people I have ever come to know and love, and losing her was and still is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through. Losing her was like losing the little momentum I had gained to dream again. Once again, it was like watching something come to close to being attained and reached and then having it snatched away; leaving another gaping hole in my heart and the will to dream and to hope and to move forward, completely gone.
God only knows where I would have ended up if he didn't put some of the most amazing people in my life last semester. People who reached out to me, who got to know me, who learned about me, who saw me for who I was, and saw my potential for what I could become. People who wanted to listen to me, and who wanted to learn with me, and who encouraged me to dream even though I refused to do so myself. People who lifted me up, pushed me forward, and never left my side. And people who had dreams of their own and who shared them willingly with me.
Last night, I as on the phone with one of my very best friends and the conversation we had really helped m mind start moving. It amazes me how much this person inspires me, in so many ways. Although we've only known each other for a few months, this person knows more about me then almost anyone else does, and loves me anyways. My best friend has always been aware of my fear to dream, and never stopped encouraging me to start up again. And over the past few months, and spending a lot of time with him, along with two other wonderful people, I have caught myself once in a while actually looking past the next day or week. And for a moment, I would get excited. I would see things that I wanted, things that I could work towards, things that I could achieve and accomplish! And then, the fear would hit me so hard and so fast that I would shut down and close out any hope of those dreams.
Anyways, last night, we got on a topic that requires some serious dreaming and hoping and planning. And as we talked about the future...I realized that I wanted it. I wanted it so much and so badly that it almost hurt. And I realized that I could have it. It could happen, and it could come true. I realized that although I cannot change my fate and that some things are out of my control; I can have control over everything else. It is, after all, my life.
I need to live for myself a little bit more. I realize that I do. I am always living for others; which, don't get me wrong, isn't a bad thing. I love to live for others. I live for my family, for my friends, and for people who I don't even know yet, but will know when they come into my life. I live for those who passed on, at first because I felt guilty for being alive, when they aren't. Now, it's more because I want them to look down on me and be proud of me. But, as many of my close friends point out, I need to live for myself as well. So, I'm going to work on that.
I want to embrace everything about myself. I want to remember my past and love everything about it. I figure that if there is someone out there who can know everything about me and love me anyways, than I should be able to love everything about myself as well. I realize that this will take a lot of time and a lot of work, because I am my own worse enemy, but I want to get there. I want to be confident in myself. I want to feel like I'm beautiful. I want to stop pushing parts of me away because I'm afraid of them. How silly it is, to be afraid of myself; to be afraid of my potential, and my dreams and hopes. But I am. And I want that to change.
I want to trace my hands and look at them and say: "These hands belong to Chelsie Caroline Whitney, and someday will do something worth being proud of."
I need to focus and I need motivation. I think that is why I haven't really gotten anywhere in the past months. It's because I haven't had anywhere to go. In order to get somewhere, I need to know where I'm going! and that means I need to dream. I need to hope.
So here goes:
I want to be successful in school. I want to get good grades, and make my parents proud. I want to learn how to obtain a career I love (right now, that would be teaching history and/or english). I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people who I love and I want to make sure I never let go of those people. I want to travel, preferably with someone who I love. I want to go to New Zealand. I want to keep up with my music. I want to write more and work on becoming better at it, because I think someday I want to write a book. I want to become a better photographer. I want to work with animals in my spare time. I don't know what that entails yet, but I know I want to do it. I want to hike a mountain again. I never want to stop learning. I want to be in love. I want to get married, to someone who fits me and completes me and loves me for exactly who and how I am. I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. And fifty years later, I want to be madly in love with my husband as I was the day I married him. I want to be like my grandmother. I want to be a friend to everyone and love everyone. I want to be like Maddie. I want to give people hope. I want to be like my mom. I want to be able to give without a question or second thought. I want to love uncondtionally.
It is time to stop living my life one day at a time and to start living it for the future.
On a side note: I want to use post-it notes more. I want my room to be covered in them. random thoughts or quotes or lyrics that I want to share or keep around or inspire me. I want to read more and spend less time on facebook during the day. I want to make lists and check them off so I feel accomplished. I want to eat better. That might take time.
I want to continue my goal of telling people that I love, that I love them, all of the time.
And those are my thoughts of today. I'm going to clean my room now, and put that clean laundry away. I'm going to make a list, so I feel accomplished. And a count down until Misao and I are once again in the company and arms of our two best friends in the warm Californian sunshine, being infinite one more time.