emotions

Long day of traveling.
Heartbreaking loss of photos on my hard-drive.
Stress of having to lose 20 lbs from a suitcase before flying internationally.
Sore from dragging 120 lbs of suitcase weight.
Sad at having to say goodbye to my family this morning.
Content at being here with Juli and Jord for a week.
Hopeful that the mac people will be able to recover my files.
and so unbelievably and perfectly happy about the letter that was waiting for my arrival.

If you really knew me,

you would know that I'm not out to destroy anyone or anything. You would know that I love my friends and family with all that I have and that I'm willing to sacrifice everything and anything asked of me to support them. If you really knew me, you would know that I tear up at allstate commercials and that I like to cook using a crock pot. And that when I go up the stairs, I cry because my knees work. And that I tend to see life better through a camera lens and that diagramming a sentence correctly makes me feel like I can succeed in life. You would know about the guilt I struggle with about surviving cancer and the insecurities I have about my scars and disfigurations. If you really knew me, you would know that when a good song comes on the radio, I roll my windows down and laugh because I remember that I'm alive. You would know that I bend, but rarely break and that I stand up and fight for what I believe in. If you really knew me, you would know that I believe in love and in miracles and in hope and in God. And that I have a testimony of the LDS church and in missionary work. You would know that I believe in forgiveness. If you really knew me, you would know that I'm not dumb and that I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. And that I'm an English major, and that I can read in between the lines. If you really knew me, you would know how much your disapproval and dislike tears me apart. You would know how many tears I have shed over feeling so misunderstood. You would know how many times I have fallen to my knees in prayer for comfort and guidance about what to do and how to act and what to say. You would know how genuinely hard I am trying to make things better and the dread I carry with me all of the time because they aren't.

If only you really knew me.

on being obedient.

Summer: "I have a package for your roommate"

Me: "Oh...no letters, huh?"

Summer: "No...but I do have a letter for a "Chelsabelle"?"

Me: *screams like a banshee*

"I'm glad we were 100% obedient this summer, so that this time when we could write again could be so special!"

fact:

my life would be so much easier if the mailman was nice to me and brought me a letter. All of the anxiety and anxiousness I've been carrying around since last Wednesday would lift off my shoulders, no matter what said letter would tell me. I would just know. And knowing would be so much better then wondering and waiting.

But, I'm doing okay. This summer has taught me how to live for myself and shown me that I don't need a letter every week to be happy. 'Cause I don't. I'm happy on my own, and I love that.

I'm just excited, is all.
Very excited.

Dear 16-Year-Old Me, love Chelsie

Dear 16-Year-Old-Me,

I know you are facing some really tough stuff right now. I know that at times, you feel pretty hopeless and tired. I know how terribly scared you are and I know how sick you feel. I know you feel discouraged and heartbroken and at times, totally alone in your fight. I know about the tears you cry when no one else sees you, I know about the pain, both physical and emotional, and I know how hard it is for you to loose the use of your left leg and to become crippled. I know you don't think anyone will ever understand how you feel...trust me that I do.


I want you to know, and to never forget, that you are loved, and that the fight you are currently fighting will always be worth it. Your life is worth it. And I want you to know that you will make it through this battle, and come out a better person for it. Keep staying positive, despite every set back you face, including those week long hospital stays, the mouth sores, the infections and the fevers. Chemo is nasty and it will give you a run for your money, but you will finish it and your hair will grow back! Learn to love every simple and small moment you have, never take anything for granted and don't forget about the lessons you learn during this year. Get as involved as possible with the kids around you; even though you will experience the heartbreak of losing a lot them-they will change your life more then you could possibly hope to help them, and they will fuel your fire to keep fighting.

Be patient with your dad, he's doing the best he can while mom is with you. He loves you and worries about you and wants you to be okay. Tell Juli how much her friendship means to you often, because it turns out that she'll be the only true friend who sticks this year out with you. Don't worry about the kids in high school who forget about you or who just stay around because of obligation-they won't matter in a couple of years and you will care less about where they go and what they think of you. You don't need to value your worth on what other people say or think; you are the only one who can be a judge of that.

Listen to the doctors, because they know what is best, not you. Trust them; they are keeping you alive.

Work hard in school, even math, and especially English. Spend more time talking to Mr. Gaucher and Mr. Adams, because they will inspire you to major in English and to teach. Do not let anyone's comments about your limp, your cancer or your feelings get you down-they don't understand and they won't, so don't waste your breathe trying to explain. You will feel lonely, but remember that you aren't alone. Count your blessings, name your miracles and I promise you that after high school, it will all get better.

Go to the ocean often, drive with the windows rolled down and as much as you love Hamilton, remember that he is just a car and he won't be around forever. Don't worry, Dad keeps his promise and you will quickly fall in love with Cazz. Regardless, remember what those cars mean and represent to you and love them for that, not for the material possession that they are.

College is going to change your life and who you are. You are going to make some of the best friends you will ever have and you are going to fall in love (the real kind) with your best friend. You are going to really figure out who you are and who you want to be, and you are going to love yourself again, and even better, you will love yourself because of your flaws, scars and imperfections. You are going to look back on these years and see God's hand in this trial. Try to look for it now. He's not going to leave you alone to fight this by yourself, so don't be afraid to lean on him. He will never leave you comfortless.

Chelsabelle, I want you to know how proud I am of you and your determination to keep fighting the good fight. I know how hard it is to stay positive when your life is so drastically changed, but I'm glad you try your hardest to look for the silver lining. Keep choosing to be happy, and always remember that you are alive for a reason. Survivor's guilt is tough stuff, but focus on your purpose for being here and it will be okay. Never apologize for feeling things, you are human and it is your right. It's okay to cry about the things you have lost, but don't dwell too much on it. I know how tired your body is, but I promise you that when the time is right, and when the technology advances, you will have the opportunity to get most of your life back. It will be another long fight, but as always, it will be worth it.

You will never be able to turn your back completely on this year. You will always have to look over your shoulder to make sure you are still clear. But I promise you that one day, you will be thankful for this trial. You will see how it was necessary and needed to help you become who you are today, and you will love it for that. Hold on to that.

In five years, you will be walking limp free again and I know that seems utterly impossible right now, but it will come. You will be planning on teaching English in China and nothing is going to stop you or take away that dream. You will have the opportunity to support the love of your life on his mission in the most unusual circumstances, but you can do it and you will learn so much from it, so don't shed too many tears over it.

Your life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Hold on to what you know and stay true to yourself. Believe in miracles and you will see them. Say your prayers. Tell your family you love them. Write often and read even more. Learn languages. Set goals and then work hard to achieve them. This is YOUR life, and no one else's. You can do whatever it is you set your mind to and nothing will stop you or change that, not even cancer. I believe in you.

Love Always,
Chelsie

Guest Blog: Aisha

Meet Aisha, a super spunky and lovely lady from the West Coast! I've known who Aisha was since my first semester in school because of some friends that we had in common, and then I had the fortune to live across the hall from her for the last few semesters. She always said hi to me in the hallways, and that always made my day! She's currently preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church, which I find so inspiring! See what golden nuggets of life advice you can get from her letter to her 16-year-old self...I got a ton!



Dear 16 year old me,
First off, calm down and stop your worrying. You will soon find out, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH! You don’t need to please everyone and you will waste your time doing so. 
Next, LOVE YOUR FAMILY! Stop being so embarrassed by them and annoyed by them. They love you more than you know. Family is the most important thing and they are going to be there for you no matter what. Help your Mom, she will appreciate it. You don’t need to go to college to see how wonderful she is. Be patient, she is doing her best. Call your grandparents more, write letters, show your love. Don’t regret your relationships with your family. Right now it seems like your family doesn’t care but in a few years you will understand you have 4 parents who love you, (younger) brothers who will do anything for you, an amazing cousin you will talk to weekly with about books, movies, religion and so much more, and an Uncle and Oma who will come across the sea. They all love you and you love them. 
Stop holding grudges, they get you nowhere. Grudges will just make you worry more. There is a girl who will say some nasty things about you and break some of your friendships, don’t worry about her. We all know she is unhappy with herself and makes others feel that way.
When it comes to high school, live it up! Stop hanging by the vending machines with the stoner kids, judging people. You will learn a lot from them and appreciate the relationships you gain but you can get to know so much more. You aren’t going to be involved in school activities and you will regret it but you will get involved in college but still, get involved in school. Try harder in your German, Oma and Mom will appreciate it. You can have the gift of tongues, you doubt yourself too much. 
In 2007, your stake will go on Trek to Wyoming; this will change your life and testimony. It might now seem like you can make it in this world, but remember those pioneers, they did it so much to bring this gospel to the West. Your Young Women’s leaders love you and when they talk to you about your life, don’t take offense. They really want you to do well. Don’t stop writing because of that ONE lady in your ward, just because she is annoying doesn’t mean you are “sticking it to the man” by stopping. You will regret it!
You will get your license at 17 and two weeks later you get into a car wreck. Well, you back up into another car. Your parents will be very upset but its fine. Everything will be worked out; you just have a car for a while! (:
You are going on a mission, prepare keep yourself worthy. You won’t officially know until October 2010, but you are going! Your mom will fight it, some won’t understand. Just know that the Lord loves you, your Mom is going to come around, and you will get the money! Even at 21 you still don’t know what you want to do with your life but once again, STOP WORRYING! Stick to your goals. You want to run a 10k, get your motorcycle license, own a Pomeranian, and join the Peace Corps. After the Temple to Temple Relay you can do anything! Finally, your best friends will be made at school and they will support you in so much. You will cry, a lot and laugh even more. Just remember: forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
Love, Aish.

Guest Blog: Tara!

Meet Tara, who is one of the funniest, sweetest girls I've ever encountered. I've had the wonderful opportunity to really get to know her over the last two months and she's so great. She's super passionate about what she does and her sun-shiny outlook on life always impresses me! Here is her letter to her 16-year-old self and I learned so much from what she had to say.





Dear 16 year old me,

Hello from 20 year old Tara! Don’t worry… You haven’t gotten all wrinkly or gray yet, and in fact you still love all things ice skating and ice cream more than someone should. You’ve still only kissed that one boy and don’t worry, you’re okay with it! Some things have changed, and you’ve grown too. 

Don’t spend time and energy fretting over your family. Just work on strengthening your relationship with each individual member, and don’t worry about it being perfect and working all together like you wish it would. Just work on how you treat everyone. The divorce doesn’t happen until you’re 20, although I know you’re stressing about it happening any day now. Guess what the weirdest thing about it is? Things are better, and it’s actually happier. It was hard, and I know some days may be hard now that you’re 16 (some days at 20 are hard too), but it’s not your fault and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Stop stressing about it. It’ll be okay. We have the greatest family. In 16-yr-old-ME lingo, Matt is pretty much amazing. Megan and her HUSBAND (yeah, she got married!!) are freaking awesome, and Jake is the best, fosho! Dad is stinking stellar. Mom is great. Life is awesome!

High school isn’t that bad. It’s okay to *literally* run out the door everyday to head to the ice skating rink (I know you do!). I get it. That’s the place you feel most like you. That hasn’t changed. Ice skating is so rewarding. You still love ice skating more than is humanly possible and you still spend every nickel and dime you earn towards it. If you miss one day of skating practices, it’s not the end of the world. Just remember that everyone in that high school has their own story, and try to really get to know people. No one is “cool”, no one is “out of your league”. Just be nice to everyone. 

Read your scriptures every single day. Do you hear me? Every single day. Eat healthy foods. Lift weights and get a trainer. This will prevent future injuries. Promise.

20 year old Tara is proud of you, little 16 year old Tara. You’re the best! I know life is exciting now. You can finally date and drive! Before you know it, you’ll blink and you’ll be legal and in college. It goes fast. I can’t tell you where you’ll end up for school, because finding out for ourself at age 18 was a strong testimony builder. ((Haha. Just as I was writing to you something came to me, I know you knew what the future held, but finding out and working hard to hear your answers from Heavenly Father is part of the plan. We’ve grown from working at receiving answers. So keep working at it! It strengthens you and makes you, you.)) Just remember, pray-pray-pray!!! Heavenly Father lives. He loves you. He wants what’s best for you. The atonement is real. Utilize it. 

You’re on the right path, you’re doing good. Try to enjoy every moment. Oh, and can you do me a favor? Keep a journal. I want to read all about our adventures.

♥ Tara

PS. You wish you were a dancer now... so, if dance classes even remotely sound interesting to you now, can you sign up? Oh, and I’m serious about getting a trainer. We don’t want you to break your back senior year or something from not having strong enough muscles to hold the impact of all your twisting at skating.

Guest Blog: Paige!

Meet Paige, from fjdklaf; so im paige. She's seriously one of my favorite reads in my little blogging community; and she's done some really awesome things with her life and I've learned a lot from reading about her adventures. She's got such a golden heart and such great fashion sense and I loved what she had to say in her guest blog letter. 

To my 16-year-old me,

I believe that if I had known four years ago what I know now, I’d probably be in a better place. I’d probably be more successful, and definitely a little happier. So to you, naïve, young, cautious me of the past, I impart upon you my thoughts, advice, and wisdom of what is to come.

Be good to Mom. She’s put a lot of time, prayer, love, and worry into raising you. Don’t let it go to waste. She doesn’t deserve all the times you’re disobedient or disrespectful. Say something sweet to her everyday and go out of your way to be helpful, loving, and kind. Be honest with her. Respect her rules, though you may think they are unnecessary, foolish, or begging to be broken. Make an effort to improve your relationship with her. Because one day, you’ll realize she’s the only person in the world who has been there for you always. And you won’t want to have jeopardized the bond you’ve built with her. Remember that she is on your side, and wants nothing but your happiness and well being.

Work hard, really hard. In Algebra 2 when Ms. Smith has gotten on your very last nerve and you’re sick of being a sophomore and want nothing but for the year to be over, don’t stop doing your homework. Because if you do, you’ll end up with a pathetic little D on your report card that will upset Mom, ruin your GPA, and get you grounded for most of the summer, leaving you without a car and without a phone. And junior year, make sure you kick butt in your AP classes. Because I’m almost certain that if you do, you’ll get into your dream school. Trust Mr. Sickel and try out for Select Choir when he tells you to, not a year later. It turns out you’re good (who knew?).

You know that boy in your Spanish class, the one who eats lunch with your group of friends? Well, you guys are going to become best friends. And then you’re going to fall in love. And when you get into a really big fight, don’t be too upset with him. If you do, your friendship and relationship will end. And you’ll both be hurt. Let yourself love him. He’s the real thing.

Call Grandpa as often as you can, just to tell him you love him. Because senior year he’ll be gone, and you won’t be able to tell him anymore. And when you have to go live with Grandma for the summer after your first year of college, be excited about it. Because you’re going to find out how great she is, and how much she loves you.

Don’t be afraid; of making new friends, of trying new things, of being yourself. Be nice to absolutely everybody. Even the ones who are mean to you. Because the best advice you’ll probably ever get is to “kill them with kindness.” And it works so much better than being mean right back. Keep that in mind especially junior year.

When you’re 19 years old, you’re going to go to Ecuador for three months to volunteer in the orphanages. So make sure you pay attention in Spanish class! I mean it; learn as much as you can. This experience is going to completely change your life. You’re going to serve with girls who end up becoming life-long friends. You’re going to fall completely in love with some of the cutest, most perfect children on the planet.  Enjoy every single day, because when you come home you’re going to want to go right back and you won’t be able to. And while you think you’re so wonderful for changing their lives, they’re going to end up saving yours.

Don’t worry too much, and don’t sweat the small stuff. But the most important thing to know is that life goes on. High school ends, memories fade, people you thought were your friends turn out not to be, and things get tricky sometimes. But life goes on. There is something bigger and better than right now. Live in the moment, but don’t forget to dream. Make goals, make plans, and think of the bigger picture too. These are nowhere near the best years of your life. So just hold on. You can do it. You were born for this.

Love,

Paige

Guest Blog: Symone!

Hello, dear readers! The name is Symone from The Thing About Icebergs Is..., and Chelsie asked me to do a guest blog. I am so honored that she asked me to do this! Anyways, Chelsie asked if I could write a letter to my 16-year-old self, so I did. I felt there were some things that needed to be said. :]










Dear 16-year-old me,

Why hello, darling! I know, this may seem strange to you, but I have a few things that I feel you should know. 

First off, it’s okay to not have a boyfriend. I know, I know. It seems cool to have one, but you JUST TURNED 16. Do you really feel the need to have one that badly? Trust me; it’s totally, 100% okay to be single. There really is a reason why the church has asked that teenagers wait until 16 to do group dates, and 18 to do single dates. But, even though you choose to not follow that advice given, it’s okay. You will eventually learn the joy in not having a boyfriend. You will do things for you, and you will see that you really CAN live without a boy dictating how you feel about yourself. 

Second, your parents are really looking out for you. You may not see it that way, but they do love you and only want what is best for you. You are at the age where you think you know everything, and that no one understands your point of view, but trust me. Mom and dad understand more than you think. You don’t have to fight with them over stupid things; they won’t matter in a few years. 

Third, there may be some people in the next few years that may do things to you that you never imagined happening. They may find ways to truly crush you and make you hurt in ways that you never thought you could never hurt. Believe me when I say that you will become stronger. You will be able to help those around you feel better, and you will be made whole once again. Trust me, everything will become better for you. 

Fourth, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! No matter what anyone says to you, or allows you to feel, you are a beautiful Daughter of God, and you will be treated as such eventually. Do not give up hope. Not everyone will treat you in such a poor way as you will be treated within the next few years. 

Here is the most important thing that I feel I can tell you. Do not give up, period. I know that there will be times where those things that you learned at Church won’t make sense, or will make you feel horrible. You will make mistakes, and you won’t know how you can ever get back to feeling like you really belong within the Church. Let me tell you something. You will ALWAYS have a place within the Church. Even if it’s a hard road to get back to that feeling, it will happen. You will never feel stronger in the Church than you will after going through all the trials and hardships that I know you will face. You just need to keep in mind that you are a Daughter of God, and He loves you. Even when you were doing all those bad things, He still loved you and wanted to help you. And, eventually, you will see that very clearly. Put your trust and faith in the Lord’s hands. He has a plan for you, and He will help you achieve that. I know that, at times, it may seem easier to go along with what the world wants of you, but that truly isn’t the case. The rules within the Church aren’t there to hurt you, or even to restrict what you can do. Rather, they are there to help you, and to allow you to stay safe.

Follow the rules. Know that it is TOTALLY okay to say no if you really need to. Even if people aren’t happy that you say no, it is okay. You are doing what you feel is right, and that is all that matters. Your life is beautiful, even if it doesn’t seem that way. You need the bad times in order to truly appreciate the good. Remember to pray always. Heavenly Father wants to hear from you, and you will receive the answers to your prayers. Trust me. While there may be crap people that come into your life in the next few years, there will also be so many great, amazing people who you will realize that you never could live without. They will help you more than anything, and will be there for you when you need them most. 

I love you. You have become a wonderful person, and I can’t wait to see what lies in the future. Keep your chin up, darling. You will do great things!

Love,

Misao

dear readers:

hi! I'm sill kickin'!

and also, still in the hospital.

but hopefully, I will be bustin' this joint tomorrow.

I promise to be a dedicated blogger and writer once things settle down in the next few days, but i just had to let you all know:

today, i was allowed to put a little bit of weight on my left leg.

and I felt a real, working knee in there.

PT today was emotional, painful and frustrating.

I have such a long, long way to go.

I'm essentially learning how to walk all over again.

but it's okay, because it will come.

I believe in miracles.

and I know that I am capable of overcoming this; with the Lord on my side.

I would like you all to do me a favor in the near future:

take the stairs and think about how great it is that you can go up and down them.

walk down your driveway, barefoot if possible, to get the mail and just enjoy the way your muscles move in your legs. feel them. appreciate them.

and tell someone you love, that you love them.

my love to you all; who stumble across this blog or who keep up with me regularly.

you are all great.

and life is beautiful.

Always,

Chelsie Caroline

dear chelsie

stop overthinking.
it's dumb.

love,
Chelsie

Hello April.

You are bringing a whole lot of change for me.

In just one week, I'll be driving across this whole country, back to my beloved New Hampshire.

In a little over a week, my best friend will be in the mission field.

In three weeks, I'll be getting my knee replaced.

and life, as I know it, will never be the same again.

Bring it on. I'm ready to meet you head on.

If my eyes stay shut.

Look at me, listen close
So I can tell you how I feel before I go
Just a year, it's not much time
For me to show you I am proud that you are mine 
I wish I had known
The future in my heart was just about to start

Say tomorrow, I can't follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you, Always near you
I'll give you the words
Just sing for me

Every lock, on every door
I put them there
To try and hide you from the world
And you kicked, yeah you screamed You never understood you're everything to me 
I just hope you know
The future in your heart is just about to start 

Say tomorrow, I can't follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you, Always near you
I'll give you the words
Just sing for me

No looking back when I am gone Follow your heart its never wrong 
No looking back when I am gone
Don't second guess the note you're on

Out of time, all out of fight You are the only thing in life that I got right 

Say tomorrow, I can't follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you, Always near you
I'll give you the words
Just sing for me

Happy Birthday, Maddie Girl.

16. That's how old I was when I met you. Life was foggy that day. Heck, life was foggy every day. The constant in and out routine, my nurses so punctual in administering the medicine, the pulsating beep of the IV. There was no need for details. Everything that surrounds that hour I spent perched on your bed doesn't exist in my memory. It's just empty. Not dark, shadowy, or black. It doesn't exist. I simply didn't exist. Sometimes I would disappear for hours, other times days, returning for a few minutes here, or an hour there. I don't remember you moving into the other half of the room. I don't remember waking up. I don't even remember getting out of bed, or being introduced to you or sitting on your side of the bed. It's all gone. It's like trying to hold water in my cupped hands. I know I started at one point with hands full of water, but before I know it, I am just left with drops. Just a whisper of something that once was, but will never be there again. I know it must have happened, because I do remember sitting on your bed. Your hair was so thick and shiny and beautiful, although I knew you hadn't brushed it for a day or two. You looked so small sitting there. I must have looked so alien, so foreign to you. My eyes had sunken into my face a little from all of the weight I had lost and the last of my eyebrows and eyelashes had fallen out a few weeks before. But you didn't show any sign of fear or disgust. Your voice was steady as you asked questions and as I answered them honestly, I can clearly remember the look of determination on your small little face.

9. That's how old you were when I met you. The day you came into the other half of my room and became my fellow fighter; my little sister. You were sassy and spunky and refused to own any article of clothing that wasn't pink. And later that night, when I disappeared from the world once again; swept away in my own harsh fight with death; grasping onto my life with my hands as hard as I could, you whispered to your mom your fears and your sorrows. And when your mother asked you what you would wish for when your Make-A-Wish came around, you quietly told her: "For my new friend, Chelsie, to get better."

13. That's how old you would have turned today. You probably would have started wearing make-up and liking boys. You would still be wearing pink. You would be giving your mom a run for her money. You would have been so sassy and just as spunky. I think of you every day. When I am down and lonely, or when I am overwhelmed, or when I just can't fight it anymore, I think of you. I think of your kindness and the beautiful person you were and the incredible selflessness to have wanted to wish for me to get better. God needed you back with him, but he saw it fit to grant you the wish for me to get better. He granted your wish. And every day, I wake up and want to make your wish worth it.

21. That is how old I'll be next Friday. I graduated high school, and now I'm in my third year of college. I am almost five years cancer free. I'm studying to be an English Teacher! You would have liked that; you loved stories. I've been to California and Oregon and I've seen the Grand Tetons. I've made incredible friends and I fell in love. I have grown closer to my Savior and have slowly begun to understand that there was a reason why He granted your wish. I am still needed here. I hope that I make you proud. I hope that you know that I am doing my best. I am trying to be positive like you always were and to love unconditionally like you did. I'm living as best as I can in your memory.

Happy Birthday, Maddie Girl.
I love you.

His laughter filled my room.

Dear Mr. Mailman,

Thank you for coming through for me today!

Love Always,

Chelsie Caroline.

resolutions of 2011

here they are. here we go.

1. Straight A's Winter semester.

The last couple years, I always set a goal for a few a's, a few b's. But I think I need to set the bar higher for myself.  I want to prove to myself and my parents that I am capable of straight A's.

2. Do everything possible to be financially stable for this summer.

this means NOT using my credit card, saving up so I can get Cazz home after the winter semester and pay for him during the summer that I'm not working.

3. Knee Replacement

Well, this is already set in stone to happen next April. (i'm still in complete shock that it's actually going to happen) I guess I just want to be as prepared, mentally, emotionally and physically as possible to take on this surgery. There is just a lot that goes into a procedure like this, and I want to be able to tackle it and overcome it in the best possible way. The biggest part of this for me is to maintain a positive attitude throughout the whole experience. 

4. Write

This is in two parts. one: I want to be a dedicated pen pal to my missionary. Two: And I want to take the time that I'm off my feet for most of next year to write something. Maybe a book or novel or my life story. I don't know. I just want to write.

5. Read the Book of Mormon

I was thinking about this the other day, and I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, but I don't think I've ever read the entire Book of Mormon, cover to cover, in linear form. I know I've studied it, and I know that I've probably read the whole thing in chunks here and there throughout my life, but I want to read it, in it's entirety, from start to finish. 

6. Pick Piano Back Up.

Pretty straightforward. I want to relearn how to play, and I want to be able to play well. 

7. Be Better with my Time

I just don't want to waste away in front of the tv or the computer the coming year. I want to be better at budgeting my time and not procrastinating homework during the next semester. I realize that some of it will be needed while I'm in the recovery stage after surgery, but I want to be productive or accomplish something. I don't know what exactly that entails yet, but I'm thinking it will be something along the lines of working for/making things for my floor at children's. I have a huge desire to give back to the people who gave so much to me.

8. Take Better Care of My Body

this comes in a few different parts and is something I really want to master. I've grown really used to relying on someone else to look out for me, and I need to be able to do this for myself over the next couple years, for him and for myself:

1. Sleep more. (I need to kick the sickness I have right now completely in order to get my knee replacement)

2. Eat better. 

3. Swim 

4. Take care of my knee. Know when to say no. Know what the limits are and what adjustments need to be made. Make good choices about how far to push it.

9. Grow out my hair and stop dying the heck out of it!

I just want healthy, long hair again. And that means no drastic hair cuts and obsessive amounts of chemicals.

10. China

Start making plans, researching and maybe learning some Chinese so that I can be prepared to teach English in China in 2012. 

11. Stay Secure

In myself, in my relationships, and in my testimony. I know that this next year will have it's trials and it's rough patches and that I'm going to have a hard time without some people not being by my side. I just need to trust myself and stay secure.

I think that is it. Pretty hefty list, if I do say so myself. But I'm excited to tackle it.

I'm anxious for this next year. There are a few big changes headed my way....starting in 27 days. Everything that I've come to know and rely on over the last eight months is going to change.  I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous about a lot of things. But I'm positive that everything that is going to change over the next four-five months is going to be beneficial in the end. As my mom always says: "Bigger picture, Belle. Think of the bigger picture." My best friend leaving me for the next two years isn't the happiest thought. My best friend going to serve a mission and having the opportunity to help out so many people in Mexico, and learning and growing and becoming a missionary; having the chance to serve and bring truth to those who are looking for it and being able to grow and learn things for himself...that is the bigger picture. Getting my leg hacked up again and having to go through a 5-8 month recovery process to be able to walk again and not being able to go to school next fall isn't the best thought. Regaining stability, endurance, and becoming pain free and having the opportunity to teach in China in a couple years...that is the bigger picture.

I'm scared and nervous and anxious and excited and thrilled all in once. But I'm just going to hold on to the hope and faith that there is a plan; and that everything will work out in the end. I'm going to trust in my faith; without a solid footing in what I believe in, none of the coming changes would be endurable.

I'm so grateful for this last year. I'm so grateful for the people it brought into my life; for the lessons I learned and for the person I became throughout the last twelve months. I seriously don't think I could have asked for a more beautiful year. And as I think about everything that happened and everything that it included (learning how to trust again, my best friend's wedding, spring semester, cancer free for four years, and falling in love) , I can't help but be so incredibly grateful for my life. and for the opportunity I have to live it and to experience every small wonder. Every once in a while, it hits me, out of the blue, that I'm not really supposed to be alive...that I got a second chance to live. Cancer was supposed to win the war, but I somehow came out on top. And I couldn't be more grateful for it. 

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm filled with hope.

this is my life. and no matter what happens, it is so. freaking. beautiful.

To all of my friends, readers, and strangers who stumble upon this:

Happy New Years! I hope 2011 will bring you beauty and hope and joy. I hope that whatever comes your way during the next year, that you will remember to breathe and think of the bigger picture. I hope you smile when it rains outside and that you will tell the ones you love, that you love them frequently because you never know when that opportunity might be gone. Don't live with regrets. Life is meant for making mistakes and learning from them. It's called living! Don't be afraid to get lost in the woods, or to get a little wet from the sprinklers! Don't be afraid to fall in love, it's one of the most amazing things you could ever let yourself experience. Don't be afraid to try new things, or to be happy on your own, either. Don't be afraid of yourself. Just go on adventures and appreciate the simplest things! Life is so beautiful! Don't let it pass you by, because you just never know when you might lose that chance to appreciate it. 

smile. 

you are alive. 

all of my love,

Chelsie Caroline

keep fighting

I hope this doesn't weird you out, but I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. I am learning about Pediatric Cancer right now, and I am just so incredibly moved by strong people like yourself who experience it first hand. I have seriously considered working in Pediatric Oncology for so many reasons. I find it so inspiring. I just wanted to let you know that although I don't personally understand, I understand from a medical point of view a small scale of what you have gone through in your experience have have the utmost respect for you!! I really hope you are doing well in every way possible and wish you nothing but happiness, you deserve it.


i am just chelsie, but this was the needed encouragement to keep fighting the infection in my leg right now.

To Marina-

I didn't even know you, but I remember seeing pictures on his facebook and him coming home late one night after being with you and not being able to stop talking about how great you were and how happy he was. I was curled up on the couch in a cuddle puddle between Brian and Chloe and he wouldn't stop smiling. He used to beg Chris to use the car before we could get our hands on it so he could go spend time with you. He was convinced you were the one. He was an avid Patriots fan and a New Englander and like a brother to us all. I adored him and you made him happy and that made me happy. I was excited for you both.

I remember sitting in the corner of the chapel that one day in February after everything came crashing down. I was between my roommate and his roommate and watching you carefully as you sat between his little twin sisters and feeling my heart break in two at what you must be feeling. And you were so strong and beautiful and held it together for everyone. I admired you because I couldn't handle thinking about what you must be feeling. I was a wreck.

I remember seeing you everywhere after that day on campus. You were everywhere. In the bookstore, in the Nordic, in the hallways of the Taylor. And every time I saw your face, I would pull my phone out and call someone and say: "I just want you to know that I love you." because you never know when that opportunity goes away. You are a living example of that life lesson.

It's been over a year since Josh was killed and I haven't seen you on campus in over six months. But today I walked passed you in the Taylor Quad. You don't know me-we never had the opportunity to meet, but I was instantly hit by a train of memories. All of the phone calls, the tears and the moments I realized that there is so much more to life then my little pity parties. The people who I love; the people who make me Chelsie Caroline, the people who make my life beautiful-they are what matters most.

You looked happy and I hope you are. You deserve it.

I guess I just want to say that I am thankful for you and for the reminder that you constantly give me that life is precious and life is beautiful. To love the ones who mean the most and to never let them go. To believe in miracles and to hope for better days. To count my blessings, because I have so many that I often overlook or forget about. Everything will work out.

Did you say it today?
I love you.

Did you say it?

dear brother

Dear Brother,

Today was the last time we got to spend time together for a while. And although I know that things will be okay and that the next chapter in your life is going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you in the next two years; I am very sad. I'm going to be selfish and say I didn't want to see you go. 

I don't know what I'm going to do without you close by.

But I know that everything will be okay.

Geoffrey is like a teddy bear...except better because he talks. 

There isn't much to say, except thank you for everything, especially all of the time you have shared with me.

stay safe.

see you soon. 

always,

Chelsabelle

keepin me going

email in my inbox. words of comfort to keep me moving forward from my favorite missionary.

My Dearest Chelsie Elbow,
I hope all is well with you. I´m glad to hear that your dream gave you a little bit of comfort. I want you to know that you´re always in my prayers, and prayers are better than hugs! You´re doing what you need to be doing, as well. I know that, and you know that. Keep trucking along, and the Lord will bless you. He always does. I´ve seen some pretty amazing blessings down here in Guatemala, both given to me and to investigators and members. It´s amazing the things members tell twenty year old kids who have black name tags on. I´ve really gained a testimony of the mantle and responsibility that I have here as a missionary, but that doesn´t mean that i´ve forgotten you or that I´m not worried about you and your success. I love you so much and I´m so thankful for you and your support in the hardest time of my life. (you know what I´m talking about) haha... I hope that paper that you were writing got finished.
I love you!
Elder Ivey