Love you Cazz, but tonight I need Hamilton

there are a million other things i could write about right now, but instead, I'm just going to say this:

the only thing that could make me feel better right now is if I was home in New Hampshire driving down West Road during a late summer evening in my little Hamilton with the windows rolled down.

Being alone didn't bother me then...

If I close my eyes and block everything out; I can almost hear the the purr of Hamilton's little engine and the quite rush of the warm summer evening air flowing through my windows and echoes of crickets in the woods.

Chelsie Caroline, it'll be okay. You've gone through this before, you can do it again. Remember that the shadow proves the sunshine.

this too shall pass, chelsabelle.

This too shall pass...

What i wouldn't give for that quite reassurance from the little purr of my little car in the darkening summer evening; driving through the woods of my beloved New Hampshire.

Sunrise, Sunset

woke up with the sun this morning.

well, two and a half hours earlier then usual.

shower with inconsistent temperatures, church history paper touch ups

a granola bar on the run.

on campus at nine.

math test.

campus store.

science.

church history.

math.

u.s. history.

go. go. go.

home while the sun starts to set.

turning to Misao, telling her that we can now watch the sun set over porter park right outside our window.

instead of walking across campus on a whim and hoping for some colors.
New England Patriots Jersey.

rocked it all day. made some friends.

i'm proud to be an East Coast girl.

silly little macbook and a spinning beach ball of doom.

phone calls from Californian friends who I love dearly.

missing Hamilton.

epic adventure to the upper field with roommates

home in time for XOXO Gossip Girl.

the last of the cookie dough and ending the night with Greek Civilization.

today has been okay.

Today has been okay

I am slowly letting myself go back into the habit of talking myself into an extra five minutes of sleep here, and extra ten minutes of sleep there while trying to wake up in the morning. It is only in the haziest moments that I remember what TV show came online during my solid slumber that jolts my brain back to a somewhat functioning mode and my eyes flutter open so that I can start getting ready for the day and catch up with NCIS or GG or ANTM.

Today was no exception. As I let my groggy mind win me over to "resting my eyes" until 9:20 (a whole 35 minutes after my first alarm goes off) I realized that the NCIS season premiere was waiting for me online and I got myself out of bed in a split second; not letting my brain wake up fully enough to make a decent first step and stumbling over my little step stool that I use to get in and out of my awkwardly tall bed.

My morning consisted of a shower, math homework, frosted mini wheats, and NCIS, followed by a nice walk in the late AM sunshine to the Romney for my Origins of Life class. All my classes went by smoothly today. I lost a little bit of my attention during church history; my mind was wandering between dreams from the night before and daydreams from the walk between classes. Math required all of my mind power that I could possibly muster and History was, as always, a thrill for me. The industrial period and Urbanization of the major cities and the Jewish Ghetto's and Little Italies and China Towns and Boss Tweed and the Far West have all been bouncing around my head and I can't help but get a small thrill of excitement when I think of how happy these stories make me and how relieved that I finally seem to be reconnecting with my major.

A long walk home to a favorite band in the now late afternoon sunshine followed by a brief stint on the couch in my apartment covered in a favorite blanket and clutching an endeared teddy bear while waiting for a tummy ache to pass; listening to the sounds of HGTV and the cars pass outside our window, brought me back to the days of New England comfort and security.

Tummy ache gone, I continued into the afternoon with a small plate of sliced cheddar Tillamonook Cheese and Original Triscuts as I started compiling a list of ten learning experiences for a class project. Faced with a roadblock after number five, I placed a phone call to home and talked to my father for a good, long while. I love my dad. There really isn't anything else to it. He is just so great. We caught up, talked about home and school and work, and then he mentioned hope for Hamilton. Dad placed a few phone calls to our mechanic, who is on the look out for a new computer for my car. If one is found, then we might be attempting to make the trek across the country again after Christmas break. Dad was followed by a brief stint of conversation with Mom, who gave me more than five learning experiences. A quick conversation with littlest sister Katie and a little bit of a longer one with brother Jakey ended the forty minute connected call to "home."

Homework hour continued, sporadically interjected with music, comments and text messages. Vicki picked Jillise and I up around 8:30 for a run to walmart and Albertsons in which I purchased a variety of things: make-up foundation, bread, two cans of soup, strawberries, four sweet potatoes, and cookie dough ice cream. The adventure ended with self-checkout machines that have a vendetta against me, plans for the Grey's Anatomy season premiere tomorrow and a possible Yellowstone adventure as October approaches.

Home once again, I finished the time line, printed out the study guides to the Epic of Gilgamesh, and chatted briefly with Chloe as she walked home from her five hour date with the school's library. Gilgamesh homework continued as I curled up with my computer and bag of Bugle Corn Chips.

Another random but appreciated and humorous phone call from a old friend gave me a well needed break from the Mesopotamia period and now I am faced with the decision to continue on with Gilgameshes epic journey tonight, or to sleep now and read tomorrow.

Whatever I choose, I will end my day with a prayer and a content agreement with myself.

Today has been okay.

not my typical okay. the okay but not really okay. the okay that I've been using for the past five months. Today has been okay. The real, the right kind of okay.

baby blessings:

because Hamilton is not coming out to school I:

1. Have enough room to pack my Napolien Dynamite Poster

2. Have enough room to pack my brown boots

3. Emptied out the change cubby and have a million quarters for laundry

4. Have 200 dollars more in my bank account because I don't have to pay for insurance

5. Could give dad my seat cushion to help his back for Izzy (dad's car)

6. Got to go to my high schools football game

7. Saw a few more friends before I left 

8. Got to see my old marching band preform for the first time in over a year

9. Had one last family dinner all together

10. Got to spend a few more nights in the comfort of my beautiful bed.

11. Get to see Symone earlier then expected.

seeing my baby blessings help the sun to stay shinning and my hopes up.

Continues to be beautiful

A letter from the mother of a dear friend of mine who lost her fight to Osteosarcoma:

Meghan was so thrilled when she got to "hang" with Val and Chelsie - like she was part of the big girl posse and despite the age difference - she was part of the gang.  The girls ALWAYS made her feel so special and Val and Chelsie should know what a difference that made in Meghan's life.  I know that feeling like she was part of the gang made her feel so much more comfortable during treatment at Children's.

God knows how to give me a reality check.

I am reminded after a particular disappointing day that there are far more important things in life than having a car or the money to fix a tired one. There are much more meaningful and beautiful things in life then the material things that I sometimes lose my focus on. I had a bit of a meltdown tonight, following a rough ride to do errands today in my tired little car. I had lost a lot of faith and was so discouraged by my circumstances. But now, I remember what is truly important in life and I am so thankful for my many blessings. I know that this is part of my plan and that the man upstairs knows what he is doing. I have faith that things will work out.

To my girls Meg and Maddie. I miss you more then words can describe and there isn't a day that goes by when I do not think of you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirits with me and for encouraging me to keep on pressing forward. I love you, my little sisters.

And tonight I will sleep soundly knowing that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

unreliable but reliable

Dear Hamilton,

First, let me tell you how much I adore you. Even though things did not work out at all the way we planned, you still are and always will be my favorite car.

You have gotten me through this summer, and gave me the drive to work hard and save my money.

Hamilton therapy was and still is the best therapy.

I am sorry we tried to drag you across the country when you clearly told me that you didn't want to go. I am sorry that daddy put so much money into you when you clearly were tired and ready to be done. It just happens that dad knew how much I loved you and he wanted to give me the car that I loved. I guess we just were never meant to be.

You are back in New Hampshire now, and you can rest. We won't be asking much more from you from now on. Thank you for the last 8 years and for the 164,000 miles that you putted around for dad and for me. Thank you for being patient with me when I was learning how to drive. 

For a being very unreliable the last three days, you were very reliable getting us home. Thank you. I will miss you terribly. You were great.

Thank you, my little one, for reminding me that I am blessed, for opening my eyes to how wonderful and generous my parents are, and for continuing to show me that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

Know that you are loved.

always,

Chelsie

oh hey stress

STRESSED OUT TO THE MAX AND I HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT NEW ENGLAND YET!

seriously.

Hamilton stalling out + grumpy daddy + who wants to drive with the car as is anyways=stressed out Chelsabelle.

Please pray for my little car, that things will work out and that we will make it to Idaho in one piece.

Hamilton Therapy

I realize that I have mentioned Hamilton Therapy frequently during the blogs of this summer, but I have never really explained what that is to me. I also realize that I talk about this car a lot, and I know that it must make me sound a bit snotty or worldly, but I am not, I swear.

In celebration of officially buying Hamilton on Sunday and Dad signing the title over to me and Hamilton being completely and totally all mine, I feel like I should expand on what Hamilton therapy is and why I love that car so much.

A lot of times during the fall semester, I felt so overwhelmed and completely alone in my battles. During those moments, the walls seemed to close in around me and I felt stuck. I couldn’t get up and leave, I couldn’t get far away from campus to really give me relief.

You know that feeling?

The feeling that you get when you just can’t handle the things around you, when you just need to get out and get away. The point where there is just so much on your mind, and so much going around you that you go into overdrive and overload.

When I am home and my dad starts talking money, and my mom starts talking chores, and my brother starts yelling and my knee is burning from trying to move something by myself, and I just can not deal with all of the pressure anymore, I grab my keys and my iPod and I get out.

Start the car, plug in my iPod and put on my Hamilton Therapy playlist, full of songs that calm me down or give me the opportunity to sing my heart out. Roll down the windows, take the emergency brake off and shift the gear into reverse. Out of the driveway and whichever way my arms turn is the way I go.

For me, there is something calming and beautiful about getting out of a place where I feel trapped and having total control of where I want to go. And where I go doesn’t even matter. The motions of driving, the wind in my hair and the purr of the engine combine to sooth my soul. But the best part of Hamilton Therapy is being surrounded by the beauty of this world. No matter how crappy or overloaded I feel, seeing the trees and the rocks and the streams and the lakes; how the sun filters through the clouds, the way road turns sharply and shows a whole new scene; driving along the coast and smelling the salt water and hearing the slight rush of the waves crashing over the sand and watching the sun set across the marshes…there is nothing that brings more peace to me then to realize the simple and beautiful wonders of this world.

Hamilton Therapy isn’t physically about Hamilton. It is about getting out and falling in love with the Earth. It is about realizing that no matter what happens, life continues to beautiful.

My ownership of Hamilton isn’t about physically having a car. My dad practically gave me his beloved and favorite automobile. Owning Hamilton for me is all about the trust and love that my father showed to me, and the sacrifices he has been willing to make for me. My father is one of the most giving and generous people I have ever met, and I am moved to tears frequently when driving my car and realizing how generous my dad is.

I love my car, but not because I am all about possessions. I love it because of what it represents to me.

Every day I am drive Hamilton, I am always reminded that no matter what happens, Life will continue to be beautiful.

I am so excited to drive my car across the country and to take my friends on Hamilton Therapy runs. I can not wait to see what other beautiful things I will be able to experience while driving across the midwest. Most of all, I am looking forward to the peace and comfort that only the open road can bring, with the windows down and the best music playing.

after all, Hamilton Therapy is the best therapy.