apple picking and damp air

snooze buttons are my worst enemy
and jamba juice never fails to make me happy.

rainy cool weather reminds me of late fall days in New Hampshire
and I've been filled with nostalgia all day:
this warm feeling in my lower stomach that fills me up and makes me feel like my lungs are full of air. Breathing in damp air filled with the soft scent of gentle fall decay causes scenes to flash, fast paced, in front of my eyes. Soccer games at depot field, late afternoon marching band rehearsals, raking leaves in the back yard, apple picking and exploring pumpkin patches, long car rides taking the back roads to Julianna's house filled with an explosion of color, the first of sweaters and winter hats, and general new england love all come to me at once when I breathe in that damp, fall air.

sweatpants, chamomile tea in mugs, open windows, blankets and a good book+damp air and trees with a bit of color=a piece of home while being across the country.


Start of something new.

Sometimes I have these moments when I feel totally genuine.

and recognizing those moments and realizing I was totally myself makes me feel like I am worth something.

and it is about time that I started believing in that. I don't need anyone else to tell me that I am worth something; a weakness that I have had for many many years. I have always relied on other people to build me up, to assign me worth. I thrived on hearing people tell me that "I am wonderful, I am worth something."
but those days are gone. it's different now.

I am believing in my own person. I am the New England girl with a little too much East Coast Pride, who battles procrastination on a daily basis, walks around with pearl necklaces on her forehead; who cries during allstate commercials and texts her best friend with things like: "I was just thinking about your squeaky eye" or "remember that time when you thought you a mermaid?"

I am sassy, spunky, and I am growing.
and I love that I can recognize those things in myself.
and that I can recognize my weaknesses and the areas where I need to work on improving.
I know that I have a long way to go. I know that I can work on my procrastination, my big mouth and expressing my emotions in a safer, healthier way. I know that I need to work on forgiving, letting go of my grudges, and on staying more organized.

But. I am recognizing my triumphs today. Because success gives me hope, makes me feel accomplished and makes me feel like I am worth something.

The fact is: I'm beginning to feel almost fully happy again.
and this time, it is on my own. my goal this summer was to learn how to be happy on my own. To do things for myself, to improve myself, to not let anything slow me down.
and I think I am finally achieving that.
at least, tonight, it feels like I am.

I was supposed to be in bed thirty eight minutes ago.

but to those friends who stood by me this summer: thank you. Your support and understanding has shown me how to grow on my own. (i know, that doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.)

I am my own person. and tomorrow is a new day.


Sunrise, Sunset

woke up with the sun this morning.
well, two and a half hours earlier then usual.
shower with inconsistent temperatures, church history paper touch ups
a granola bar on the run.
on campus at nine.
math test.
campus store.
church history.
u.s. history.

go. go. go.

home while the sun starts to set.

turning to Misao, telling her that we can now watch the sun set over porter park right outside our window.
instead of walking across campus on a whim and hoping for some colors.
New England Patriots Jersey.
rocked it all day. made some friends.
i'm proud to be an East Coast girl.

silly little macbook and a spinning beach ball of doom.
phone calls from Californian friends who I love dearly.
missing Hamilton.
epic adventure to the upper field with roommates
home in time for XOXO Gossip Girl.
the last of the cookie dough and ending the night with Greek Civilization.

today has been okay.


keeping it together

massive headache zooming in that came out of nowhere, so this will be best put in list form:
(my favorite form, of course)

1. Sleepovers with best friends really do make everything so much better. Also, grey's anatomy, cookie dough and the office while cuddling and talking about everything that you could possibly talk about. it's a security blanket. it's a piece of home.
2. Rubik's Cube is seriously owning my life. I am getting really fast at something I once thought was impossible for me to ever achieve. I feel accomplished.
3. Conference weekend the coming week and I can't wait to be out of Idaho for a few days and back with my best friend. I love traveling.
4. A old Fall Semester friend will be back in the Burg soon and I am excited for some old traditions to come back into my life: McDonald's Runs, N64 Parties and Swinging in Porter Park. maybe we will be infinite again.
5. I am listening to Bright Eyes and this time it doesn't hurt as much.
6. I am going to curl up with my history book tonight and tackle math in the AM. After tomorrow, I will put ten times more effort into math because I want to succeed in it.
7. Symone has been gone for a while. I hope she comes back soon. i miss her.
9. I am considering a guitar class next semester. that or piano. I want more music.
10. In case you couldn't tell, today I am a fan of BOLD
11. I will be in bed by ELEVEN tonight.
12. I am beginning to understand what it is like to feel DRIVEN.
13. Vow of Silence is going very well, thanks. Let's go for another week. i can do this.


Autumn' Fallin from Trees

One of my most favorite things about New England?

I want to be home to watch the trees turn and the feel the warm fall sunshine on my face and walk through apple orchards and pumpkin patches and breathe in the smells of fall.

I am a New England Girl.

some concluding thoughts

she's tired and she knows it
but not so distant dreams keep her weary soul from resting,
hope and anger battle internally.

she is keeping it together; finally getting the hang of it
still barely treading, but keeping her head above water and
her eyes on the shore.

she hurts but she's done showing it,
vows of silence slowly begin to fade memories into the back of her mind
and voices starting to completely be silenced; images fuzzy and feelings not so clear.

she prays and she is constant
whispered fears and hopes and pains; dreams and confusion and love,
the only completely safe place to turn to gives her comfort.

she's breathing and she hears it.
and her heart is beating and her mind is turning and she is so very much alive.
and in the gathering nightfall, in the silence and in the calm and the stillness of the air,
she sighs and she feels it.
in her gut, in her bones, in the very depths of her being

she is healing and she is proud of it.
slowly and piece by piece, she is putting herself back together
and hope is restored and happiness is returning and the sun is shinning brighter every day.

she is loved and she knows it.
and she couldn't be more thankful for it.

everything she ever hoped of being.
she is. and she will be.

Today has been okay: Emiliana Torrini

Emiliana has the most unique voice ever.
this is one of those songs that I feel has been written just for me.

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by

I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

The preacher lost his son
He's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on the prayer
Nevermind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok

Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

some inspiring words...

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

~The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


Smuffeling, Sea-King Dude, Mr. Micdoguals and Dr. Nigogoles, Brittany Spears Immitations and The Queen of England

A lot of people say they have many best friends. But for many, there is that ONE best friend. that ONE person who has always been there, that ONE person who you always go to, that ONE person who will always have your back and that ONE person who knows you better then you know yourself. some people never find that person. some people go through this whole life without that friend. And tonight, I am taking a moment to feel the surmounting gratitude that I have that friend in my life.

I am so thankful for Julianna. It was through a lot of actions, consequences, and choices that MANY other people made that brought us together one fateful afternoon at a church activity when we were both eight years old.

Now, almost thirteen years later, Juli is turning twenty and I am turning 19 and 1/2 (we are exactly 6 months apart). We are both in the middle of our college education, we are older, wiser, smarter, but still spend countless moments laughing like little girls while re-enacting brittany spears, canoe trips, funny words and eating cold cookie dough and china food while watching out favorite shows.

For me, Juli's friendship to me goes beyond the typical best friend status. Juli has gone with me to the end of the earth and back. She has her own drawer in my dresser and I have my own in hers. We have created our own dictionary of random words that we mixed up, weird dreams that we dreamt and songs that we wrote. She was the one who was there the day I got sick. She was the one who was there when I lost my hair. She was the one who made sure I wasn't the only bald girl who left the hair dresser that day. Juli shared not only my clothes, my food and my love for books. She shared my hard days, my bad days; my good days and my triumphs; my hospital bed. Juli is my sister.

Some friends come and go. Some lie, some steal, some bruise your heart. Some take your secrets and run. Some stay for the connections. Some were never really friends at all.

But there is always that ONE who stays always, who never lets you down and who spends time with you playing buggy and kermit the frog.

i like that we're friends because
when something matters to me,
it matters to you, too.
When you have a good idea,
You tell me first -
That's why we make such a great team.
I like that we're friends because
when i say something funny, you laugh,
and when I'm not my usual self,
you notice right away
and ask me, "what's wrong?"
you're there for me and I'm there for you.
thats what friends are for.
I like you because...you are just you.
when somebody asks me who my best friend is,
I say, "you." and you say, "me."
and fifty years from now,
we'll say the same thing.
that's the way it is and will always be

i don't know if i will ever be able to sum up my gratitude to Juli for being the friend she is to me. I don't think I will ever have adequate words. Her sacrifices and genuine friendship will forever and always be the brightest example to me.

i love you forever, best friend. Happy Birthday.


Today has been okay

I am slowly letting myself go back into the habit of talking myself into an extra five minutes of sleep here, and extra ten minutes of sleep there while trying to wake up in the morning. It is only in the haziest moments that I remember what TV show came online during my solid slumber that jolts my brain back to a somewhat functioning mode and my eyes flutter open so that I can start getting ready for the day and catch up with NCIS or GG or ANTM.

Today was no exception. As I let my groggy mind win me over to "resting my eyes" until 9:20 (a whole 35 minutes after my first alarm goes off) I realized that the NCIS season premiere was waiting for me online and I got myself out of bed in a split second; not letting my brain wake up fully enough to make a decent first step and stumbling over my little step stool that I use to get in and out of my awkwardly tall bed.

My morning consisted of a shower, math homework, frosted mini wheats, and NCIS, followed by a nice walk in the late AM sunshine to the Romney for my Origins of Life class. All my classes went by smoothly today. I lost a little bit of my attention during church history; my mind was wandering between dreams from the night before and daydreams from the walk between classes. Math required all of my mind power that I could possibly muster and History was, as always, a thrill for me. The industrial period and Urbanization of the major cities and the Jewish Ghetto's and Little Italies and China Towns and Boss Tweed and the Far West have all been bouncing around my head and I can't help but get a small thrill of excitement when I think of how happy these stories make me and how relieved that I finally seem to be reconnecting with my major.

A long walk home to a favorite band in the now late afternoon sunshine followed by a brief stint on the couch in my apartment covered in a favorite blanket and clutching an endeared teddy bear while waiting for a tummy ache to pass; listening to the sounds of HGTV and the cars pass outside our window, brought me back to the days of New England comfort and security.

Tummy ache gone, I continued into the afternoon with a small plate of sliced cheddar Tillamonook Cheese and Original Triscuts as I started compiling a list of ten learning experiences for a class project. Faced with a roadblock after number five, I placed a phone call to home and talked to my father for a good, long while. I love my dad. There really isn't anything else to it. He is just so great. We caught up, talked about home and school and work, and then he mentioned hope for Hamilton. Dad placed a few phone calls to our mechanic, who is on the look out for a new computer for my car. If one is found, then we might be attempting to make the trek across the country again after Christmas break. Dad was followed by a brief stint of conversation with Mom, who gave me more than five learning experiences. A quick conversation with littlest sister Katie and a little bit of a longer one with brother Jakey ended the forty minute connected call to "home."

Homework hour continued, sporadically interjected with music, comments and text messages. Vicki picked Jillise and I up around 8:30 for a run to walmart and Albertsons in which I purchased a variety of things: make-up foundation, bread, two cans of soup, strawberries, four sweet potatoes, and cookie dough ice cream. The adventure ended with self-checkout machines that have a vendetta against me, plans for the Grey's Anatomy season premiere tomorrow and a possible Yellowstone adventure as October approaches.

Home once again, I finished the time line, printed out the study guides to the Epic of Gilgamesh, and chatted briefly with Chloe as she walked home from her five hour date with the school's library. Gilgamesh homework continued as I curled up with my computer and bag of Bugle Corn Chips.

Another random but appreciated and humorous phone call from a old friend gave me a well needed break from the Mesopotamia period and now I am faced with the decision to continue on with Gilgameshes epic journey tonight, or to sleep now and read tomorrow.

Whatever I choose, I will end my day with a prayer and a content agreement with myself.

Today has been okay.

not my typical okay. the okay but not really okay. the okay that I've been using for the past five months. Today has been okay. The real, the right kind of okay.


Arabian Dances

Three things tonight:

1. I read this quote the other day. "The one thing about music...when it hits, you feel no pain"
I thought it was interesting, but today I realized the real truth of this statement when I went to Flute tonight and played. The only thing that mattered in those two hours was me, my music and my instrument. And I felt nothing but joy. sometimes I want to play forever.

2. I need to let go. And I am going to stop asking questions now. (or try to) I am going to work on accepting things for what they are. Vow of silence for the week. I need to stop talking about him, the good and the bad. These things are in the past and there is no going back. I can only move forward.

3. Today I am thankful for 56oz. M&M bags, history books, devotional, supportive roommates, big brothers, VHS tapes, flute music, teddy bears, new friends, and high-lighters.



I'm in the middle of transitioning between science homework and math; deciding that I will do my church history tomorrow morning so I can go to bed at a decent hour tonight. I am making a goal this week to be better about:

1. Keeping my room clean
2. Taking less then an hour and a half to get ready for the day
3. Facebook Procrastinating. Only an hour and a half a day.
4. Getting my homework done earlier
5. Going to bed sooner (although, late night chats with my roommate make this hard)
6. Saying things that get me into trouble. WATCH MY MOUTH!

Also. I am going to keep myself focused on the here and now.
Durning my Thursday Night MK Pep talk, I was given the advice to Let. It. Go. To let it go.
so, I am setting a goal/plan to help myself do this.

And it involves:

1. Stop reading things that hurt and accept that some friendships will never happen.
2. Replace pictures that I thought would have been okay to be in my room, but keep the hurt lingering.
3. Be pro-active in FHE
4. Make one new guy friend.
5. Spend time with best friend and big brother.

Let's see how these goals come into play.
I am going to accomplish them.
I am.

but. on the upside:

1. My best friend is coming in ONE week for a weekend, and i can not wait to see her.
2. I got to respond to the emergency situation text today and it was so exhilarating!
3. I love my roommates.

Moving along. Heart is beating and I am breathing and Life. Is so beautiful.

I just want Football.

and church for us starts at noon.

Do the math.

I will miss the next three Patriots games because of church.



mixed feelings on a saturday afternoon

if I could describe my feelings in one word right now...I would use the word "mixed". There really isn't anything else that comes close to explaining how I feel.

After my melt down on Thursday, I had a great and inspiring pep talk from MK, which put me back in high spirits and more determined attitude. I had a great friday night and this morning/early afternoon was amazing. It is so great to be sitting in my living room with friends who have stayed around for a while. We went on an amazing movie making adventure, and had tons of fun putting together our golden music video.

I've been holding myself together.
But one silly mistake to delve into something that I KNEW would hurt in the end has cracked my foundations.

But really, Chelsie Caroline, do you need to hear those words to feel good about yourself? More importantly, do you need to hear those words from that someone?
Once again, I am thrown back into the summer months, where I focused on healing and bettering myself. I want to be solid in myself, trust in myself and dream for myself. I know that there isn't a promise that can't be broken, unless I make it to myself. Those are the only promises in this world that I can trust.

Focus: History and Friends and School. Big brothers and best friends. family.
The letter is sent and the hand has been out-stretched and there is nothing left for me to do.
It is in God's hands and I must have faith and trust.

Faith and Fear cannot co-exist!


Check this out!


Observations on a Wednesday Night

It was pretty warm today, and the typical Rexburg breeze was oddly absent as I walked to the Romney this morning; listening to The Veronica's and worrying about back sweat that would most definitely be present when I took my back pack off when I arrived in the lecture hall of my Origins of Life class. I woke up early this morning to finish some History homework and then threw my hair up in a messy bun before swallowing a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats; knowing full well I wouldn't eat anything until 5:00 that night. I tried to keep my schedule at the front of my mind as my feet hit the pavement in time with the violins playing "Untouched" through my hot pink ear buds. Science, Church History, Math, U.S. History. I went through assignments and tests; mentally checking them off while I tried to ignore the grinding in my left knee and I pushed up through the stairs. I don't like complaining about my knee; because people don't understand how serious the problem is and honestly; I get tired of it myself. I don't like complaining at all; actually. I know I do it, but when I hear myself; I get angry. I know that there are many of my friends who have it ten times worse than me; who are still fighting for their lives right now and for some; faced with death.
But my knee has been acting up lately and it's just irritating. The cartilage feels like it is wearing down between my joint; like a pencil that has been sharpened so frequently it is merely a stub. I am constantly accompanied with the sound of cinderblocks being dragged on pavement and the occasional tendon getting stuck in between the space where the cartilage should be.

And it's frustrating to feel so disabled.

I'm trying really hard to move forward and I'm trying really hard to stay focused in school right now. I love my classes and I love learning and I love staying busy. I love talking to my roommate every night; hours after the lights have been turned off and the sun has set. I love seeing other friends; going on Jamba runs and playing my flute again.

But long walks from the Ricks building to The Pines #3 at the end of a four class day without eating lunch and Dashboard Confessional ringing in my ear, watching memories flash through my eyes of walks from previous semesters with friends who were supposed to be solid but disappeared over time make my heart hurt and my mind fuzzy. I think about all of the great times I've had with people who have left my heart slightly bruised and how different things are now. I second guess myself and I have a list of unanswered questions that doubles in size everyday.

The shadow of Cottonwood almost reaches our parking lot and I always wonder what life would have been like if we lived in this location when we had our friends still in number 9; not even a two minute walk away from our living room window.

I have been looking forward to being back at school all summer. I thought that being back in the Burg with my roommates and friends would have put my heart in higher spirits and my mind at ease. I thought I had pieced myself together enough that I could handle this. I know I look like I do. I talk about stories with fondness and about heartbreak without tears. I think that is my wall being built back up. I am so used to not showing weakness, and so I don't. But; being here has been ten times harder then I imagined. Things are not only different with the absence of fall 2009 friends; but I feel more alone then I ever have while being here. I'm not sure why that is, because I hang out with my friends and go on adventures frequently; staying busy and staying focused. But I feel it, and it can not be denied.

Maybe some of it is because I am just getting irritated too easily. The stupidest things set me off as of late. Habits of people that I either ignored before or have gotten more pronounced as time has gone on. Maybe I just need a chill pill.

Maybe I am just having an off night. It's been busy this week with school work and classes. I need to go back to my center and remember everything that I worked on this summer. This is MY life and only I can decide where I go and what I do. MY choices; my accountability. I can't let the actions or opinions of others sway what I need to do to accomplish my goals and dreams. I can't let the eight engagement rings in my history class drag me down or the girl in my science class scolding her husband for taking the batteries out of her iClicker weigh down my heart. My path has changed; along with my plans and my future and I am no longer going down that road. I can't let it get to me.
I can't.

I love Idaho and I love being with my roommates. But tonight, I just want to be in New England, where nothing can touch me and the comfort of my family keeps my heart full and my soul safe.

and yet, as I long for home, I realize that I am here. And in the back of my head, I hear a voice repeating, repeating:

Life is beautiful. Life is beautiful. No matter what happens, it will continue to be beautiful.

I believe in this.
I know this.
It will be okay.

This too shall pass.


hearts and humming birds

I love having a best friend who; when inspired by the simplest things, shares that with me. I love having a best friend who is comfortable enough with sharing random essays from class with me; thinking that I would enjoy it as well. I love having a best friend who knows me better then I know myself.

Today, my best friend shared this with me and I loved it.
so now, I'm sharing it with you.

Joyas Voladoras
By: Brian Doyle

Consider the hummingbird for a long moment. A hummingbird's heart beats ten times a second. A hummingbird's heart is the size of a pencil eraser. A hummingbird's heart is a lot of the hummingbird. Joyas voladoras, flying jewels, the first white explorers in the Americas called them, and the white men had never seen such creatures, for hummingbirds came into the world only in the Americas, nowhere else in the universe, more than three hundred species of them whirring and zooming and nectaring in hummer time zones nine times removed from ours, their hearts hammering faster than we could clearly hear if we pressed our elephantine ears to their infinitesimal chests.
Each one visits a thousand flowers a day. They can dive at sixty miles an hour. They can fly backwards. They can fly more than five hundred miles without pausing to rest. But when they rest they come close to death: on frigid nights, or when they are starving, they retreat into torpor, their metabolic rate slowing to a fifteenth of their normal sleep rate, their hearts sludging nearly to a halt, barely beating, and if they are not soon warmed, if they do not soon find that which is sweet, their hearts grow cold, and they cease to be. Consider for a moment those hummingbirds who did not open their eyes again today, this very day, in the Americas: bearded helmetcrests and booted racket-tails, violet-tailed sylphs and violet-capped woodnymphs, crimson topazes and purple-crowned fairies, red-tailed comets and amethyst woodstars, rainbow-bearded thornbills and glittering-bellied emeralds, velvet-purple coronets and golden-bellied star-frontlets, fiery-tailed awlbills and Andean hillstars, spatuletails and pufflegs, each the most amazing thing you have never seen, each thunderous wild heart the size of an infant's fingernail, each mad heart silent, a brilliant music stilled.

Hummingbirds, like all flying birds but more so, have incredible enormous immense ferocious metabolisms. To drive those metabolisms they have race-car hearts that eat oxygen at an eye-popping rate. Their hearts are built of thinner, leaner fibers than ours. Their arteries are stiffer and more taut. They have more mitochondria in their heart muscles -- anything to gulp more oxygen. Their hearts are stripped to the skin for the war against gravity and inertia, the mad search for food, the insane idea of flight. The price of their ambition is a life closer to death; they suffer heart attacks and aneurysms and ruptures more than any other living creature. It's expensive to fly. You burn out. You fry the machine. You melt the engine. Every creature on earth has approximately two billion heartbeats to spend in a lifetime. You can spend them slowly, like a tortoise, and live to be two hundred years old, or you can spend them fast, like a hummingbird, and live to be two years old.

The biggest heart in the world is inside the blue whale. It weighs more than seven tons. It's as big as a room. It is a room, with four chambers. A child could walk around in it, head high, bending only to step through the valves. The valves are as big as the swinging doors in a saloon. This house of a heart drives a creature a hundred feet long. When this creature is born it is twenty feet long and weighs four tons. It is waaaaay bigger than your car. It drinks a hundred gallons of milk from its mama every day and gains two hundred pounds a day and when it is seven or eight years old it endures an unimaginable puberty and then it essentially disappears from human ken, for next to nothing is known of the mating habits, travel patterns, diet, social life, language, social structure, diseases, spirituality, wars, stories, despairs, and arts of the blue whale. There are perhaps ten thousand blue whales in the world, living in every ocean on earth, and of the largest mammal who ever lived we know nearly nothing. But we know this: the animals with the largest hearts in the world generally travel in pairs, and their penetrating moaning cries, their piercing yearning tongue, can be heard underwater for miles and miles.

Mammals and birds have hearts with four chambers. Reptiles and turtles have hearts with three chambers. Fish have hearts with two chambers. Insects and mollusks have hearts with one chamber. Worms have hearts with one chamber, although they may have as many as eleven single-chambered hearts. Unicellular bacteria have no hearts at all; but even they have fluid eternally in motion, washing from one side of the cell to the other, swirling and whirling. No living being is without interior liquid motion. We all churn inside.

So much held in a heart in a lifetime. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end -- not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall. You can brick up your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman's second glance, a child's apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words I have something to tell you, a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mother's papery ancient hand in a thicket of your hair, the memory of your father's voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children.

How amazing it is to me to think about the tiny heart of a humming bird, or the giant heart of a whale and all of the events that happen during the life of one of these animals. It is amazing to me to think about each heart beat, each moment that happens during each beat, and how they all build up to create a beautiful life. Every living thing has interior motion. "We all churn inside". What an interesting and beautiful way to connect everything to each other. We are all connected; we are all churning.

What I thought was most interesting and thought provoking is the last paragraph. No matter how much we build up our hearts or protect them or patch them up, we will forever have soft spots for certain things. We are human, and specific events can tug on our hearts, no matter how protected our hearts are. For me; my heartstrings are tugged on when I think about my Black Labrador, the smell of the White Mountains, the sound of my grandmother's laugh, and the constant beep of the IV pump. These are memories that make me realize how precious life is, and how fast time flies. My heart only has so many beats left, and I want to enjoy every moment I have left and not take anything for granted. I try to live my life with no regrets. This is another reminder to appreciate my life; my heart and my second chance. Life is beautiful.

Life. is so beautiful.


sticky-note notes

my computer has a program called sticky-notes, where you can have digital sticky notes for your desktop. It is my favorite thing ever, but i don't use it as much as I wish I did , and I forget about it a lot. 

I opened them up today to jot something down, and read a sticky note that I had written that was titled "Blog Ideas"

one of the bullets said:

"Fairy tales end when they do for a reason"

I don't know why or when I wrote it down, or where it came from.

But I needed to read that today. 

A Million Hooks and Jamba Juice

On a whim, I asked my dad to pick some of these hooks up for me the other day, thinking I might be in need of some extra hanging apparatus. 

these hooks are so strong and sticky and  I seriously could buy a million more to hang up everything. I want to hang everything up on them.

Funny how little sticky hooks can make one so happy.

I guess I should mention I am back in Idaho. Finally.
I love my new apartment, I love being back with my roommates and I love the West. 
I start classes tomorrow. Let the crack down begin. 
Books were 370 dollars this semester. Plus I had to buy another I-clicker. so. 400 dollars.

I also love discount cards that give out 20% off Jamba Juice for the next year. My life is complete.


baby blessings:

because Hamilton is not coming out to school I:

1. Have enough room to pack my Napolien Dynamite Poster
2. Have enough room to pack my brown boots
3. Emptied out the change cubby and have a million quarters for laundry
4. Have 200 dollars more in my bank account because I don't have to pay for insurance
5. Could give dad my seat cushion to help his back for Izzy (dad's car)
6. Got to go to my high schools football game
7. Saw a few more friends before I left 
8. Got to see my old marching band preform for the first time in over a year
9. Had one last family dinner all together
10. Got to spend a few more nights in the comfort of my beautiful bed.
11. Get to see Symone earlier then expected.

seeing my baby blessings help the sun to stay shinning and my hopes up.


Continues to be beautiful

A letter from the mother of a dear friend of mine who lost her fight to Osteosarcoma:

Meghan was so thrilled when she got to "hang" with Val and Chelsie - like she was part of the big girl posse and despite the age difference - she was part of the gang.  The girls ALWAYS made her feel so special and Val and Chelsie should know what a difference that made in Meghan's life.  I know that feeling like she was part of the gang made her feel so much more comfortable during treatment at Children's.

God knows how to give me a reality check.
I am reminded after a particular disappointing day that there are far more important things in life than having a car or the money to fix a tired one. There are much more meaningful and beautiful things in life then the material things that I sometimes lose my focus on. I had a bit of a meltdown tonight, following a rough ride to do errands today in my tired little car. I had lost a lot of faith and was so discouraged by my circumstances. But now, I remember what is truly important in life and I am so thankful for my many blessings. I know that this is part of my plan and that the man upstairs knows what he is doing. I have faith that things will work out.

To my girls Meg and Maddie. I miss you more then words can describe and there isn't a day that goes by when I do not think of you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirits with me and for encouraging me to keep on pressing forward. I love you, my little sisters.

And tonight I will sleep soundly knowing that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.


unreliable but reliable

Dear Hamilton,

First, let me tell you how much I adore you. Even though things did not work out at all the way we planned, you still are and always will be my favorite car.
You have gotten me through this summer, and gave me the drive to work hard and save my money.

Hamilton therapy was and still is the best therapy.

I am sorry we tried to drag you across the country when you clearly told me that you didn't want to go. I am sorry that daddy put so much money into you when you clearly were tired and ready to be done. It just happens that dad knew how much I loved you and he wanted to give me the car that I loved. I guess we just were never meant to be.

You are back in New Hampshire now, and you can rest. We won't be asking much more from you from now on. Thank you for the last 8 years and for the 164,000 miles that you putted around for dad and for me. Thank you for being patient with me when I was learning how to drive. 

For a being very unreliable the last three days, you were very reliable getting us home. Thank you. I will miss you terribly. You were great.

Thank you, my little one, for reminding me that I am blessed, for opening my eyes to how wonderful and generous my parents are, and for continuing to show me that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

Know that you are loved.



oh hey stress


Hamilton stalling out + grumpy daddy + who wants to drive with the car as is anyways=stressed out Chelsabelle.

Please pray for my little car, that things will work out and that we will make it to Idaho in one piece.


please don't do this to me...

Dear Hamilton,

I know you have a lot of miles on you. I understand you are tired. But here is the deal. We just put over 3 grand into making you feel better and you've been driving great all summer. We've gone to Dublin, the beach, Boston, EVERYWHERE and you have been FINE! so there is NO reason for you to be freaking out like you did today. 

We are supposed to leave tomorrow and I really want things to go smoothly as possible. 
Please, don't do this to me. I've been looking forward to having a car at school ALL summer and I have been working as hard as possible to save up to pay for you. I bought you. I registered you. I cleaned you and I bought you new floor mats and a seat cushion. I love you and I take care of you.

I'm counting on you.

Love your fond owner,