It was pretty warm today, and the typical Rexburg breeze was oddly absent as I walked to the Romney this morning; listening to The Veronica's and worrying about back sweat that would most definitely be present when I took my back pack off when I arrived in the lecture hall of my Origins of Life class. I woke up early this morning to finish some History homework and then threw my hair up in a messy bun before swallowing a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats; knowing full well I wouldn't eat anything until 5:00 that night. I tried to keep my schedule at the front of my mind as my feet hit the pavement in time with the violins playing "Untouched" through my hot pink ear buds. Science, Church History, Math, U.S. History. I went through assignments and tests; mentally checking them off while I tried to ignore the grinding in my left knee and I pushed up through the stairs. I don't like complaining about my knee; because people don't understand how serious the problem is and honestly; I get tired of it myself. I don't like complaining at all; actually. I know I do it, but when I hear myself; I get angry. I know that there are many of my friends who have it ten times worse than me; who are still fighting for their lives right now and for some; faced with death.
But my knee has been acting up lately and it's just irritating. The cartilage feels like it is wearing down between my joint; like a pencil that has been sharpened so frequently it is merely a stub. I am constantly accompanied with the sound of cinderblocks being dragged on pavement and the occasional tendon getting stuck in between the space where the cartilage should be.
And it's frustrating to feel so disabled.
But long walks from the Ricks building to The Pines #3 at the end of a four class day without eating lunch and Dashboard Confessional ringing in my ear, watching memories flash through my eyes of walks from previous semesters with friends who were supposed to be solid but disappeared over time make my heart hurt and my mind fuzzy. I think about all of the great times I've had with people who have left my heart slightly bruised and how different things are now. I second guess myself and I have a list of unanswered questions that doubles in size everyday.
The shadow of Cottonwood almost reaches our parking lot and I always wonder what life would have been like if we lived in this location when we had our friends still in number 9; not even a two minute walk away from our living room window.
I have been looking forward to being back at school all summer. I thought that being back in the Burg with my roommates and friends would have put my heart in higher spirits and my mind at ease. I thought I had pieced myself together enough that I could handle this. I know I look like I do. I talk about stories with fondness and about heartbreak without tears. I think that is my wall being built back up. I am so used to not showing weakness, and so I don't. But; being here has been ten times harder then I imagined. Things are not only different with the absence of fall 2009 friends; but I feel more alone then I ever have while being here. I'm not sure why that is, because I hang out with my friends and go on adventures frequently; staying busy and staying focused. But I feel it, and it can not be denied.
Maybe some of it is because I am just getting irritated too easily. The stupidest things set me off as of late. Habits of people that I either ignored before or have gotten more pronounced as time has gone on. Maybe I just need a chill pill.
Maybe I am just having an off night. It's been busy this week with school work and classes. I need to go back to my center and remember everything that I worked on this summer. This is MY life and only I can decide where I go and what I do. MY choices; my accountability. I can't let the actions or opinions of others sway what I need to do to accomplish my goals and dreams. I can't let the eight engagement rings in my history class drag me down or the girl in my science class scolding her husband for taking the batteries out of her iClicker weigh down my heart. My path has changed; along with my plans and my future and I am no longer going down that road. I can't let it get to me.
I can't.
I love Idaho and I love being with my roommates. But tonight, I just want to be in New England, where nothing can touch me and the comfort of my family keeps my heart full and my soul safe.
and yet, as I long for home, I realize that I am here. And in the back of my head, I hear a voice repeating, repeating:
Life is beautiful. Life is beautiful. No matter what happens, it will continue to be beautiful.
I believe in this.
I know this.
It will be okay.
This too shall pass.
No comments:
Post a Comment