on pain

On a scale of 1-10, ten being the absolute worse agony ever experienced, I used to live at a constant seven. My knee was falling apart and I felt it everywhere. For the last five years, I learned how to live with that pain. I stopped talking about it. I stopped noticing it. When you live with that kind of pain 24/7, it becomes a part of you.

and then I had this miraculous surgery that fixed my knee. And after all the rough rehab; I'm pain free 95% of the time. It's been incredible and the quality of my life has improved so much that I can't even find words to describe the life that has been breathed into me.

But, that doesn't mean I'm normal again. I still have the smallest gait issues when walking and not thinking about my movements and my left hip has developed some severe arthritis from walking so poorly for so long. It's never been really unbearable-I lived at a constant seven, it was nothing new. But after working so hard to realign my body; it seems to have made things worse in the hip department. And the last few days have been back at that constant roar of seven, except it's in my hip. It's new territory. It's uncomfortable and it aches all of the time and sometimes I can't move because it is throbbing so badly.

But, such is life. I've got two legs. and at the end of the day, I'll take the pain, because it means I have two legs and I have a working knee and I'm alive. And that is more important then anything else.

i would like to vent

but instead, I'm just going to hunker down with a movie that makes me feel better and hope that tomorrow is easier. I knew it would be different and it would take time for me to adapt, so I just need to accept it and do my best.

fact:

It is easy to forget the girl who is in a different time zone and on a different coast.

being sick

sucks. i have successfully slept away the whole evening and will be back in bed in just a few after i say goodnight to the love of my life. my throat is killing me and no amount of odwalla seems to make it feel any better.
and on top of that, i had this crazy awesome, super detailed dream about moving into this awesome apartment with my roommates and our guy friends. it was huge and our beds hung from the ceiling and we had a kitten and there were windows everywhere.
rawr.
but i better go back to bed soon; tomorrow is a chelsie/daddy day and I am so excited for it.

why are you running away?

i need to run.
just for an hour.
fifteen minutes even.
just a few moments when my knees are stable enough to let me dig deep into the earth and push forward as fast as possible.
just a little bit of time where i can push myself so hard that my lungs feel like they will burst inside of my chest.
just a split second to feel every bit of my body being used to it's fullest potential.

i need to run.

i'm writing myself to tears and that never happens.
i can't find my words, and that also never happens.

i just can't escape from the thought of running.

overwhelmed.

overwhelmed.

i really don't think that my mind can keep up with the rate of my thoughts.

they change every second and i'm getting dizzy.

rat-a-tat-cat. i switched a five for a seven. wrong way, chelsie.

hip. knee. cancer-free. surgery. will this ever end?

pain. throbbing. cancer-free. surgery.

best friend. married. lonely. boston. salt lake city. surgery.

money. worries. surgery. being needy. hurt.

surgery.

overwhelmed.

i took my five minutes and i was a victim.

and i've sucked it all in, built up my walls and i'm ready to move along.

or at least...everyone else will see that.

i have an awful lot on my mind these days..

...and it's about time i let it out the way I used to do it. I don't expect you all to read what is to follow; but if you should for some reason decide to read it, please bare with me. There is just a lot going on.

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and you just know that your going to be in a bad mood, even though there is absolutely no reason for it? absolutely NO reason for it, and you know that and you are in a bad mood anyways and there being no reason for it makes you even angrier? Yeah. That is what happened this morning. I think the best way to describe it is that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Come to think of it, I went to bed on the wrong side too.

I just had an amazing weekend in Oregon. I saw my roommate, I went for a boat ride, I stood on Washington soil for the first time and I stood on the edge of the Pacific Ocean and I breathed. I put my feet in that water and I looked out to the horizon and I breathed. It is such an amazing feeling to stand on the edge of something so big and realize how small you are but how you count somewhere anyway.

But this weekend was also hard for me. I had the one year anniversary haunting of a friend's tragic and sudden death in the back of my mind, confusion about relationships and where I stand with people and some comments dragging me down even though they shouldn't have. I've been battling with my loyalty to different people and how that seems to conflict. I've been trying to figure out where the line is with how close I can allow myself to be with people who, because of new relationships in their lives, changes the relationship I have with them.

12 hour car ride, 2 puppies and five very grumpy people later, and tuesday was not a good day for me. not enough sleep, no clean laundry, feelings building up about weekend hurts, roommate drama, last minute homework, taking out frustrations and hurts on someone who I care about and who deserved much kinder treatment, finding out exciting news and then making an honest mistake that probably caused some tension in a relationship that I have constantly relied on, and ending my night with familiar faces but not the ones I have been used to this semester. So yeah. I went to bed on the wrong side last night.

And I woke up thinking: today is not going to be my best day. It was 6:30 and I had a paper to finish writing that I didn't have the motivation for. My room is a mess. School is overwhelming. All of the changes that are coming at me have hit me hard all at once and I really feel like I can't breathe. I just wanted to talk to my daddy because he is always so good at giving me tough love, but he wouldn't answer his phone all day. My phone was oddly silent this morning, typical texts were absent. The more I putted around my apartment, the more bitter I got. I kept on thinking about so many things and I couldn't calm down.

First of all. I am sucking at school. excusing me for using that word; but it's a true story. What the heck happened to the Chelsie who was so focused last semester? The girl who was all A's and B's and on top of every assignment and didn't miss a single class? What happened to her? I am so angry at myself for letting myself slack off, for losing all of that motivation and drive that kept me going last semester. I don't know where it went, and I hate that I can't find it.

I'm failing at my resolutions this year. Every one. I haven't tried to work on one single one for the last month and a half. That is so unlike me. ugh.

I'm stressed about money. I completely lost track of the date and my credit card bill was due yesterday. shoot. and now, I need to figure out how to pay to get my butt home to Boston for May 15th, get my butt to Seaside Oregon (clear across the country) for May 21st (a week later) and pay for all of the things that come along with being a bridesmaid and a best friend to another bride. (dress, presents, shower gifts) And I gotta keep Cazz in good shape. Oh, and I need to figure out what the heck I am doing for the summer, if I am going to go to school and work at the alumni office or try to do EFY or get something completely different. Ugh. I am not a fan.

I think I'm mostly scared though. I am scared of the changes that are coming at me. I've been hit with a whole bunch of new things that I can't really wrap my mind around. I'm in shock, I'm excited, I'm happy but I'm really just scared out of my mind. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm worried about how all these changes are going to affect me. My relationships with people are going to change and it is scary; more specifically because two of the most important people who I rely on the most are moving on with their lives. I know that I will still be important and in the picture, but things will change. I don't know what to do with that. I want the best for my friends and I guess when it comes down to that; I'm okay with these changes. I want my friends to be happy and I know that they are. I can see it when he smiles and I can hear it when she laughs and I can feel it when they are around those people who make them really and truly happy. and really, when it comes down to it, I am willing to let go of those people if they are happy. I have always been the kind of person who puts others' happiness before her own, especially her friends.

I don't really know what to do with these changes, I guess. I'm afraid to be left behind again. I'm afraid to watch everyone else's lives move along and feel like I am in a standstill. I think that is one of my biggest fears that I've never really realized before until now. I don't ever want to relive that time in my life again; the time when I disappeared for a while and when I came back, I had no clue where I fit in anymore because everyone else continued to move forward while I was stuck in the walls of a hospital room. The thought of being left behind again is actually the scariest thing I can think of right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to hinder my friends growth or learning experiences. I would never envy of them or deny them of the ability to move on with their lives. I'm just scared of being left behind.

I have a friend who is alway saying that he can only help so much because of my trust issues. He always makes it clear that he isn't blaming me for my trust issues; I was treated like crap by a lot of people and it has made it pretty much impossible for me to trust anyone. ever. But as I look back on those moments that I have done a pretty good job of blocking out, I realize that he's right. I was treated pretty poorly by some people and it's still affecting me in ways that I can barely comprehend.

I'm scared about the habits that I have been tempted to slip back into; habits that I once kicked for good, but are now whispering in the back of my mind and tempting me to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I can't go back there. I can't.

I'm scared about my body too. Holy large amounts of bruising that has never been a big problem before. I know that the hottub this weekend could have attributed to it, but I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's scaring me. And the pain in my left hip has me taking Aleeve on a 24/7 basis, which is not good for my already tired kidneys.

and mary. my sweet little Mary girl who is about to start another trial...a Dox. Trial. (aka the red devil). It isn't going to be easy.

And all of this is adding up, adding up, adding up, and my room is messy and my homework isn't done and I'm so tired and I am on the edge of a slight implosion and I feel like a hermit crab but I don't feel right about my usual solution to hermit crab days. I feel like I can't take up people's time anymore, that I need to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again because relationships change and I need to learn that I can't rely on them all of the time. I need to focus. I need to be better. I need to improve. I need to hope. I need to find the strength and move on. I need to keep my feelings to myself and be there for others and love unconditionally. I need to be careful about the emotional deposits that I am making, because I am already watching some of them walk away, even if it is unintentional. I am justa Chelsiebelle and while I know I am loved, I know that it is all I am: Just Chelsiebelle. and though I sometimes I love who I am, today is not one of my best days and I am not a fan of that.

But i recognize that I am human. This is me being human. I have a right to feel and I'm not going to apologize for that. I have a right to be human. I need to remember that.

but most of all. I need to remember what it felt like to be standing on the edge of that ocean.

Breathe, Chelsabelle.

your life is beautiful, no matter what happens.

pep talk

i'm really trying to have complete faith and trust this time around.

but i have this gut feeling that things are changing again and I'm not sure how much more unstableness (is that even a word?) i can handle. deep breaths.

I should really just put my head down and study and focus on the things that should be the most important. reorganize your priorities, remember Chels? Keep breathing; remember that you are alive. Keep being; because someone somewhere will need you down the road; no matter what is going on right now or how out of place you feel. Keep believing, even if you aren't sure if there is anything to believe in. Try to believe in yourself; and one day you will get there. Know that things will work out; and that you will find peace somewhere, even if you feel troubled now.

Understand.

Try to understand that this is part of the plan, that everything happens for a reason. Remember that your family is pulling for you; that your mom is working on figuring out all of your health stuff and that you daddy loves you, no matter how much he teases you or gets on your case. Remember your roommate in Washington and that you will always have a home and a place with her; even if she is far away for the moment. Remember your two best friends serving missions; write to them! When you are feeling down the most, know that writing it out will help and showing your love and support to your boys will uplift you as well as them. Remember that it is okay to be emotional, and that it's okay to cry; and it's okay to do it by yourself.

Be okay.

Be okay with your choices, be okay with the people who you have let in and the people you have watched walk away. Don't regret anything, Chelsie. Be okay with the person you are. Try to love yourself, because no one else can love you when you can't love yourself. It's okay to want to improve; but try not to beat yourself up too much, because you are currently killing yourself right now. Embrace your imperfections. Recognize that you are human and you have a right to feel.

take care of yourself.

you need to eat better and you know that you need to be cautious about the habits you are slipping back into. Eat your food, and eat the healthy stuff and eat more then once a day. Stay away from the candy stash at work. Sleep more. Get your homework done earlier and don't procrastinate so often. Walk more; even if it kills you at the end of the day. Who knows when that ability might be taken away. You already had that scare once; don't take your legs for granted again.

Appreciate.

No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful.

Feel your lungs expand and wiggle your toes and keep your eyes open. Don't let those simple beautiful things pass you by. Go for drives, go to the river, watch the sunset, and love it all.

BE ALIVE.

You don't need anyone else to do it; you can love life on your own and you know how to. You worked on that all last summer when you were alone all of the time. Be that girl who kept her chin up, who was happy and who was selfless and who never let anything get her down. Trust with caution, handle your heart with care, but don't be afraid to give and share what you know with those who need it. Don't let others be blind to the things you see.

Remember your Savior.

Pray.

Chelsie, you gotta pray. You need to face your fears, because when it comes down to it, He is the only one who will not abandon you. you know that. You know that no matter how alone you might feel, he is always there. Lean on him. Because when things get so dark and things go so unsure and your hard moments turn into hard days and turn into hard weeks; He will be the light. When everything and everyone else disappears, He will guide you back.

Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. Deep Breath. Keep breathing, and remember that you are here for a reason and a purpose and you will understand in the end. Keep holding on, try not to give up.

This too shall pass.

8:27 PM

I feel so discouraged about the person I am today. I feel selfish, insecure, scared and alone. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for my friends; like I will never be able to give them what others can; and in that respect, I feel like I'm never going to have solid friend base because I'm not good enough. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that things are going to be okay and that I am loved and that my friends adore me; and other times I feel so out of place.

I would love to rewind a few months back when trust issues didn't exhaust me and when i kinda liked who I was.

now, I'm not so sure.

i really don't feel like i have a place anywhere anymore.

but really. sometimes I feel like I'm really disappearing.

and this time there isn't anyone around to stop it from happening.

and the thing that scares me the most is that I'm almost okay with it.

maybe if I keep on telling myself that I am not that girl, it will make the fact that I once was go away. I've been telling myself that all day for the past few days, but it isn't working. memories and the past have been coming back to haunt me. I'm quiet and the littlest thing sets me off and I'm sucking at being a friend to others. Real smiles are hard to come by and laughter is a rarity and I can't even have a decent conversation with the people who I am usually so open with. I'm not myself and the person who I've becoming is slowly disappearing and I can't stop it.

but maybe this whole disappearing thing is for the best....

really?

i really don't want to leave New England yet. I love being home and two weeks has been far too short to see everyone that I wanted to see and do everything that I wanted to do.

that being said.

I do not want to have to be stressed out about getting back to Utah, but I already am. In true New England style, a huge storm system is moving in tonight and looking like it will stay until Sunday night. And of course it is going to hit the Coast more then it will hit in land. And of course, I am flying out of Boston (a costal city) because my father did not want to pay the extra 40 bucks to fly me out of Manchester, even though my mom told him it would be worth the extra money.

Geoff flys into Utah tomorrow morning and is already waiting an extra day in order to pick me up at the airport Sunday morning and I do not want to make him wait any longer. And if this storm system really delays my flight, (maybe moving my landing date to Monday, at the worst) I can't ask him to wait for me. classes start Tuesday, there are books to be bought and grocery shopping to be done. But that leaves me with the whole: how do i get up to Idaho if Geoff leaves without me? and how do i get to my car, which I left with Shelly and Brian in Idaho?

ugh. i love traveling but i am beginning to absolutely HATE actual traveling. This year has been the most stressful by far. The whole Hamilton Fiasco followed by booking the wrong flight when Hamilton didn't work out, and then my flight getting cancelled to boston at the beginning of break, and now I am not sure if I will get back to Utah/Idaho when I am supposed to.

Why can't traveling ever go smoothly for me?

it isn't even 1 PM yet and it still is Monday (the first day back to school) and I already feel like I have the world on my shoulders and that everything has piled up on me within the last few hours in a fast paced, heavy, painful kind of way.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained and I do not have the time to feel anything right now except for the stresses of the end of the semester and making sure everything academic-wise is in check and stays that way.

I don't have the time to deal with anything else.

and although I know this and have been telling myself that there just isn't time to feel, there is this little piece of my mind nagging at me, repeating things that I am trying to shove in the back of my head and silence for a while, and I can't shake it and my heart is heavy and my body is tired and my soul is weary.

Basically. It will be a miracle if I get through today without having some kind of meltdown.

Warning: extreme emotional content ahead

Warning: extreme emotional and slightly dramatic content ahead.

This is what my conclusion is as of late:

I’ve been so angry and so bitter and in such shock (still) for the last five and a half months that I haven’t really taken the time to really examine what exactly is broken and damaged.

Yeah, I’ve been putting myself back together all summer and into this semester. I know that I’m doing better. I’ve ignored things that keep on coming up and I push memories way back into my head. I am not okay with what happened in May…but I’ve accepted that it did happen. It did happen and I have every right to be angry and bitter and to just push forward without really giving it a second thought. I’ve had my moments when what happened in May comes out of nowhere and hits me so hard that I forget to breathe. And then I get too angry that I just ignore it and push forward. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that he broke me and I don’t want to let myself what it feels like to broken. I don’t want to hurt, and I do not want to feel weak. That is what I have trained myself in for the last three years. Showing weakness interrupts my life along with the ones around me. I have learned that the hard way. Plus, I don’t have the time to feel weak or broken, so I’ve pushed it aside and put myself back together. I’ve focused on other things, setting achievable and tangible goals and pushing forward. I haven’t given myself any reason, chance or time to be hurt or sad. That is just the way things are.

But some things have come up in my life lately that has forced me to take the time and assess the damage. I’ve realized that even though I have made a lot of progress in my every day life, it will mean nothing if I really don’t take the time to figure out what is really wrong and try to overcome it. It has the potential to follow me for the rest of my life.

And this is what I’ve come up with:

I am afraid. I think about how perfect everything was and how our story couldn’t have been more perfectly constructed. We were best friends, we earned each other’s trust, we taught each other new things when it came to relationships and learned how to function while being apart. I trusted him with everything. There wasn’t a part of me that he didn’t know and in turn, he began to trust me with everything. It amazed me everyday how well functioning our relationship was. We gave and took equally and communicated about everything. We voiced our fears, concerns, hopes and dreams and encouraged each other and walked through our trials hand in hand. I think about how much he knew about me and how much I entrusted him with. I think about how he knew my faults and imperfections and how he told me he loved me for them. I think about how much of myself I gave to him and how I can’t express in words how far I let him in. And then I realize the giant hole in my being when I think about what was there and what went missing.

And after the events in May, I don’t know how much of that was true. I don’t know how much of our relationship was real. And after he had worked so hard to break my trust barriers down, I never thought he would betray my trust. I never thought he would do that. Never saw it coming. Maybe that is why things are so hard. I never saw this coming.

And now, I realize that I can’t be excited about harmless flirting or crushes or cute gestures. I get this intense rush of panic. Sheer, utter panic. Sometimes, I’ll be in the middle of my homework, sitting in the Crossroads during the busiest time of the day and something will cross my mind and before I realize it, I’m almost hyperventilating. HOW RIDICULOUS! I think about how the last time I was in a similar situation, how I got into something so serious that I planned my future around it and how that future fell down and how I was left alone with no idea where to go or how to move forward. I realize that I can’t trust anyone new. I can’t rely on them to always be there, because the person who I never thought would leave me, did. No matter how nice or kind or constant or consistent they are, I can’t bring myself to trust them to be real friends. I realize that I have a problem with flirting and getting attention from boys and such because all’s I can see is what will happen in the end. I see a serious relationship, and then I see an end. I get ahead of myself and assume the worse. I shouldn’t think about those things when nothing remotely serious has come about. Spending time with a guy doesn’t mean that they are going to try to get me to promise to marry them and then just drop me. Right?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I realize that I might not find someone else willing and wanting to learn about me and share things with me like he did. Someone who wants to know every little detail about me, end their day with me and listen to my pointless stories and obsessions about pelican statues and Lord of the Rings. And even if I did find someone like that, I would probably never give them the chance to learn about me, because I have the fear that they would just get up and walk away with another piece of me. I wouldn’t let them far enough in to even consider it.

I feel very guarded. I can almost see the brick walls that I have built around myself. I can feel the panic start to build when I spend a little too much time with someone new or I start talking about something deeper then I would normally talk about. And now, as I write this, I panic because I fear that I will never let myself be able to go for it again. Will I be on my own for the rest of my life because of my fears?

It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I have to feel this damaged and this scared and totally unsafe in the presence of others. It makes me so unbelievably angry that I can’t give new people the chance to learn about me, and that I have melt downs when I think about getting close to someone new. I know that they say it is always better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I think that I don’t have a problem with loving as much as I am having a problem with being loved.

I’m angry. I’m trying to let it go, and I am trying to move forward. Some days are better then others. I want to let it go and move on with my life. I don’t want to be afraid of these things, but I don’t know how to go about fixing them. Maybe all of these feelings are delayed. Maybe I should have let myself feel these things sooner.

But like I said, I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like showing that I am broken. But the truth is, I am a mess. No one has really seen that, but if I am being totally honest, I hurt constantly. And I know that he didn’t do anything to you, and I know that you still see him as the goofy, fun Californian from Fall semester, but for gosh sakes, I am your friend too. And he has lots of things to sustain him and keep him busy, and I am the one left behind, trying to move forward. Me.

I need closure.

Closure that hasn’t come and probably won’t.

It isn’t fair that you left me like this, with so much damaged and no way of getting my unanswered questions asked or the ability to put myself back together. It isn’t fair that I have to work so hard to put myself back together, and that I have to do it by myself. It is not fair that you broke me, but that you also took away one of the only friends who I would have turned to for comfort. You broke every promise you made to me, you lied to me, you used me, you took my secrets and you left me.

You ran.

And I hate you for that.

convincing and believing

I've convinced myself that I don't need you.

I pretty much believe it now.

I am my own person and I can be happy on my own.

BUT FOR GOSH SAKES, WRITE BACK AND GIVE ME SOME FREAKING CLOSURE.

back to vow of silence.

k thanks.

iPod woes

oh iPod touch. how i love your sleek design and your many applications. Bubble wrap is a favorite pass time. I will get to 200 popped bubbles within 45 seconds one day. Watch me.

I would like to apologize to you for never getting you a case. I know that you deserve one. Cases are just expensive! 20 dollars could get me new floor mats for Hamilton or pay for half of my oil change when i get to Idaho. I have to be a grown up now and grown ups have to budget their money and think about where the money can be spent best. I am not a fan, trust me. Every time I make some money, I think about getting you a nice case, I promise. But then I realize that I now have a car that I am responsible for and I need new towels when I go back to school. I can't even bring myself to buy that awesome pair of straight legged Levi jeans on SALE at kohls. 

I know that you got dirt in your head phone jack and I am really sorry about that. I would appreciate it if you could play music through it though. Please try. I promise to get you a case someday. Until then, I am going to make you a little pouch so that you will be safe from all other dirt inflicted injuries. 

I really do appreciate all that you do for me, little iPod. Thank you for not breaking on me and for always playing the right music for me when I put you on shuffle. 

forgot me not

I don't like being forgotten.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing all of the work when it comes to my friendships and no one will meet me half way. It's really frustrating. 

Lately, I've been burring myself in work. I really enjoy my job and the kids I work with. And I am starting to really like the people I work with too. I find that if I keep myself occupied with work and put all of myself into it, then I can come home feeling accomplished and tired. I can go to sleep and not watch my phone waiting for someone to text me out of the blue or call me; or sit in front of my computer waiting for someone to message me. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out, which isn't a bad thing at all. I just wish someone would reach out to me once in a while.

As much as I love my home and New England, being across the country from a lot of my friends definitely has it's drawbacks. It is easy to forget the girl who is in a different time zone and on a different coast.  Even my friends here seem really preoccupied with other things. Everyone has someone they would rather hang out with or spend time with. When I do hang out with my friends, I often feel like a third wheel. I love that my friends have other friends and are so happy. Don't get me wrong. But after a while, it begins to wear down at your soul to hear your friend go on about their friends, or to try to make plans with someone and then have them shortened or cancelled so that they can spend that time with someone else.The other day, one of my friends who I absolutely adore but don't see often, even though we are in the same state for the first time in a year said: "I'm sorry, I feel like I've been neglecting you."

I brushed it off, and said not to worry about it, and to not feel bad because we were hanging out right then! I felt so bad that she felt bad about me, and I didn't want that!

but truth is...yeah, I feel neglected.

Maybe I'm just having a random pity party. I know that my friends care about me and love me and I am grateful for everything that I've been blessed with. I have sisters and a brother and parents who I can spend time with when I am lonely. I have my books. I have my writing. I have my car. And I know I have God, who is always with me and looking out for me. I am grateful.

It's just lonely lately.