Tempos on Thursday: Save Us

Save Us

Cartel

This is one of those songs that I can't get enough of because I feel like it was written just for me.

Also. I recently discovered imovie on my mac. So. Enjoy my creation:

Simple words we never knew,
The power behind what they put us through,
Now it's all begun what it takes to make it real.
We're standing on the edge of this,
When our soul is gone what will we miss?
We lost what it takes to really, make it feel.

But the better day's behind us now,
We all need someone to tell us how
To save the state of where we are,
It keeps demanding more and more and more.

And who will save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save? Can you save us?
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time.

We hold these truths self evident,
The lies we used to represent
Who we are because it was never meant to be.
And all the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never ment to be.

But the better day's behind us now.
We all need someone to tell us how
To save the state of where we are,
It keeps demanding more and more and more.

And who will save us?
Well this can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save? Can you save us?
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time.

Say the words, give it all the time you need.
Let it out, oh you say anything.
Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

who will save us?
This can't go on. 
Without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save? Can you save us?
Well I can't go on 
we're out of rhythm with our time.
And can you save?
Can you save us?
I can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming
And can you save?
You say you'll save us?
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time

These are my thoughts

This is my prayer.

words on wednesday

1. I would love to be an announcer at airports. I love intercoms and using my "work voice"
2. Sometimes I wonder why we have time zones. I think it makes life tricky. It makes my head hurt to think that my friends on the West Coast are three hours behind. It's almost as if I am living in the future.
3. I like being the oldest in my family, but I really wish I had the security of having an older sibling to look up to and to go to. I guess it's a good thing I keep Jordan around. =]
4. I wonder if the people at the bank judge you by how much your tax return checks are for.

Thoughts on Tuesday: Home

FACT:

I will always be a New England girl. Hands down.

New England air, New England sunshine, New England breezes.

yes.

The jet lag is going to take a while to wear off. I slept in until three in the afternoon here. My mom was not too happy. Oh well. I unpacked, showered, watched the weather channel, ate dinner with my family and went out and saw many friends tonight. It was good. I was happy. I am glad to be home. I am thankful for car drives and sunshine and friends who will keep me company.

I am missing Californian friends though. I really would love to end my night by sitting with my back against Zandra's bedroom wall, watching youtube videos and listening to music. I would have loved to have spend an hour outside tossing a frisbee with Mike. I miss their company and the conversations and the laughs. 

But I am home. And I am moving forward. To the summer sun, to lifelong friends and beyond. I will move along. 

There is a poem that has been circulating my friend's blogs lately and I really really like it. I feel like it is pretty much my life story right now. Not really, but it definitely is what I am feeling. So I'm going to leave you with it:

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

these are my thoughts,

this is my prayer.

Memories on Mondays: Goodbyes

The Drifter's Melody

©  Megan R. Bokowski

The time soon comes for parting, 

And our time is at an end, 

The rest of your life is starting, 

And we have no time at all to spend. 

You knew one day you'd have to go, 

But thought you'd have more time. 

We can't reverse time's one-way flow, 

But at least you'll have this rhyme. 

You had your shining moments, 

Upon this life's darkened stage, 

And in my book of wonderments, 

You'll never be just another page. 

Like the exploding of a star, 

You've changed me in and out, 

Your light will travel with me far, 

Past when all other lights go out.

I am loved. I am cared for. I am believed in. I am home.

These are my thoughts.

This is my prayer.

Structure Sundays: Plan

I need a list of goals/plans to complete over this summer and especially over these next two weeks:

1. Read More. read a lot, actually. I need to finish Les Miserable. Fact.
2. I want to learn how to paint. I think I'm going to ask my sister to teach me. She's very talented
3. Always have sound. Music or the Weather Channel or conversation. Don't allow too much silence, ever.
4. Don't stay up past one in the morning for a while and try to get up before eleven. I want to be tired enough that I can fall asleep every night without having to think too much
5. Write. Just Write. Write letters, write stories, write memories. 
6. DO NOT SPEND MORE THEN AN HOUR AT A TIME ON FACEBOOK! 
7. Piano. I want to start playing again. Really playing. Work on my left hand, and get those notes down. 
8. Guitar. I need to buy my brothers, get it restringed and get a capo. I want to be a pro.
9. DO NOT DO ANYTHING WITH MY HAIR! Let it grow and let the color come back. 
10. Swim/Swing everything out. If I am sad, if I am lonely, if I am angry, if I am hurting, Swing/swim it out. 
11. Spend time with Julianna. Jeeps and Beaches. Chinese food. Yes.
12. Save money so I can take my car out. Plan the epic road trip across the country. 
13. Be happy, even when I'm not. find some small thing to be thankful for.
    

Please let this bitterness and anger I am feeling, please let it go away. Let me enjoy the few hours I have left with the people who I love. Let me be able to breathe. Let me have understanding. Let me express what I need to express. Please let me be strong.

These are my thoughts,

This is my prayer.

Sending Saturday: UGH

First let me state that no matter what:

I do NOT regret the last few months, nor the relationships I have shared and developed.

That being said:

I do know that my trust issues will be coming back. They already are here. 

I do know that people run. No matter what they say, they run. And right now, I wish I could. I wish I had the ability to run so fast and hard right now, and never look back. 

I am always going to doubt. I'm never going to let my guard completely down again. 

I am ready to be back in New England. I am ready for my bed. I am ready for my cats and for snuggling. I am ready for my family. I am ready for my car and long drives with the windows rolled down and music blasting. 

I am ready to be numb to this pain. Please let it go away. Please let the tears stop. I am so tired of crying. Please let me know that I can be on my own. Let me know that I can find happiness in other things besides the things that I have come to relish in the last four months. Let me deal with my feelings in the best way possible. Do not let me have any regrets. Please let me know that I can learn to be lonely.

These are my thoughts.

This is my prayer.

Freedom Friday: Surrender

Grey's anatomy possesses infinite wisdom. 

"Even when our hopes give way to reality and we have to surrender to the truth, it just means we've lost today's battle. Not tomorrow's war."

These are my thoughts.

this is my prayer.

Structure is good.

As I get ready to go home and be free for the summer, I have decided that I need to put some serious structure into my life. Two of my very good friends are going to be serving full time missions soon and their lives will be full of structure. My roommate is at school right now, and in the school structure. My siblings and parents are still working and in school, and have their structure. I will be home, working eventually and spending time with my family and some of my closest friends. But this isn't a very "set in stone" kind of life-style. I know that if I don't have structure; if I do not have guidelines to follow for myself; then I will let some of the impending loneliness and heartache get the best of me. I can not allow this. I do not want to sink back into bad habits or thoughts when I have come so far and grown and learned so much.

If you couldn't tell from some of my previous and recent blogs, being out here and saying goodbye to my boyfriend is ten million bajillion times harder then we both realized or imagined. Things are more real for us and we are beginning to realize that some things must change so that Brian can leave on his mission fully focused and prepared and so that I can go on the next two years with goals and plans. 

Don't get me wrong. I love Brian. I'm overjoyed and full of gratitude when I think of the relationship we have shared. And here, at the end of all things (name that movie) we are enjoying the time we have left together and then we are going to put everything in God's hands. And as hard and hurtful as it is sometimes to know that things are changing for us, I know that everything will be okay.

But, back to structure. I want it. I am going to need it. Being home over the summer is going to be a totally different structure then this last semester was. Some people who I thrived off of and grew to rely on are not going to be around. Some people who I used to rely on, but have drifted from, will be around. 

I am ready for some structure. In structure there is safety. And God only knows how badly I need to feel safe right now.

So, I am starting my structuring with my blog. I have always wanted to organize it a little bit more anyways. Here is what I have got so far and here is what you should expect over the summer:

Memories on Monday: I am often reminded of funny little stories or adventures or just things that make me smile or think. I want to have a place for them.

Thoughts from Tuesday: The day when I lay it all out. What is going on in life, what has been happening, what I am feeling and what is to come.

Words of Wednesday: Today I read one of Zandra's friends blogs that was so funny and wonderful. Just random thoughts and funny little stories that seemed so pointless, but really helped paint the character that this person was. It inspired me. I think I will just write whatever little thought or story that is on my mind. 

Tempos of Thursday: Music. Whatever is reflecting my mood or thoughts.

Free Friday: Anything, really. Art. Music. Youtube. Plans. freedom.

Sending Saturday: I think I will use Saturdays to talk about my missionaries. Brian and Mike are going to still play huge parts in my life while they are serving. I'm sure I will have something to say about them.

Structure Sunday: ....structure....yes.

so. structure. It is needed. It will be my safety. It will be my saving grace.

Please let me have structure. Please help me focus on what I need to do, and how to do it to best of my ability. Let me feel comfort and companionship. Please let me feel at home. 

These are my thoughts. 

This is my prayer.

(I think I'm going to end my blogs like this for a while.) 

I've decided...

...that time is the most ridiculous thing ever.

It passes by too slow or too fast. It changes things. It changes places, it changes things, it changes people, it changes relationships; it can even change love.

but, we live our lives by the clock. Seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into months. No matter how it happens, time does pass. 

It brings good things. It brings bad things. It brings trials. It brings hope. It brings a new day every morning and it brings rest every night. 

Time and I have had a very intense battle lately. It just boggles my mind how somethings can be solid in one way and within a week; everything be totally different. I'm angry that my plans with time never really happen the way I want them. Time hurts. Memories of time past and thoughts of the time to come. It hurts. 

But I know it will pass. And I welcome the good things that it will bring. I welcome the trials that it has in store.

In this time of need and fear; where time goes by too fast and too slow at the same instance; when dreaming and plans and goals all seem to hold heartache; this is when I must remind myself and believe that there is a plan. There is a plan for me. I have a purpose and a reason and going through these emotions and trials right now are all part of the plan to make me a better person, a stronger person. Sometimes I don't see how I am going to get through the next few weeks. But I know that they will pass. I know that they will hold hurt and I know they will hold happiness. 

I am thankful, so so so thankful for the time I have had with my friends; both in Idaho and back home. Today, I am particularly grateful and humbled for all of the time I have had the opportunity to spend with my boyfriend. I have learned and I have grown so much in the time that we have shared over the last few months. I am thankful for all that he has taught me and all I have learned from him. Our time has passed too quickly for me, and now it is time for him to leave. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. Time has changed our thoughts and focuses. We've always known that we have had to face this reality, but we never realized how real it was going to be.

But because of time, I know that I will always have a best friend in him, and I will always have a home. And as the time comes for him to leave, and for us to part our different ways; him to Canada, and me to New England/Idaho, I know that we will always keep the time we have had together close to us. 

I welcome time. Let it come. Let it pass as it pleases. Let me continue to grow. Let me continue to have trials, and let me continue to grow from them. Please let me continue to trust the Lord, and to have faith in my plan.

These are my thoughts.

This is my prayer.

holes.

I guess it's no secret that I'm a twilight fan. Not so much the movie, but I really do enjoy the books. Not so much the writing, but the story. Who doesn't love a good love story? 

Anyways. The point is. 

There really isn't much I can put into word right now, except for the fact that this is harder then I saw coming or thought. I didn't think it would be like this at all. 

And as I lie here in my bed, I can't help but think about Bella in New Moon. She described her pain as if she had a whole in her body. A gaping raw hole because half of her had been taken away. She spent half of the book with her arms wrapped around her middle, trying to keep herself together, because she felt so incomplete.

I slept last night with my arms around my middle. I always said that I was full of swiss cheese. I've lost a lot of friends and family the last few years, and they have left me pretty holey. This hole is different. It's encompassing. I can't help but keep my arms wrapped around my middle because if I don't, I will fall apart. 

I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that it was going to hurt. I knew that.

I just didn't think it was going to hurt now. 

I didn't expect the dreaming to end. 

All Around April

The high forcasted for today in Nevada City, California is 76. 

yes.

My epic trip along the West coast has been the most fun and relaxing and enjoyable trip I have had in a very long time. I'm so glad that I made the choice to go through with this. I am proud for taking what-if and maybes into my hands and making them very very real and solid concrete plans. I've needed this trip. I've needed to be with friends and people who I love right now.

I've needed to be in Oregon with Vicki and explore the ocean with Trish and Chloe and Casey.

I've needed to be in California, to fly out early and surprise Brian on his birthday, to spend time with him and Zandra and MK. I've needed their love and support and caring for a while and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have had to be here and be with them.

On  a wonderful sidenote...I am off of academic probation. I did it. I did it, I did it, I did it. I have a 2.7 GPA for the semester. Not my best, but definitely acceptable for the time being. This GPA will also allow me to work at the housing office next semester, if they can take me back. I am so relieved, so proud of myself, and so happy that I pulled through.

I have another nine days left in California. I am sure they will go by way too fast. I am sure that I will be saying my goodbyes before I know it. But until it is that time, I fully intend to enjoy every minute I have out here with my friends. I am happy. I am content. I know that everything will work out. I know that there is a plan. 

Zandra and I are going to play hair dye now. Happy Chelsie=Attempt at a happy hair color. trying to go back to brown. yes.

Reflections on a first year in school

I'm sitting in the lobby of hotel in Idaho Falls, waiting for Vicki to come home from her night with her boy and a phone call from my own boy. I left a little over four hours ago and it is really...odd. I can't believe I have finished my first year in college and I am offically done. I am about to spend a few weeks in oregon/california before I head back to my New Hampshire. As I look back at the pictures I have taken over the past few months, I can't believe how far I have come. I've been reflecting a lot. I have a lot to say, but I am so tired that I can't really make words work, so here:

First night at college:

I live in Idaho:

Pink hair:

I found my long lost twin, my roommate and my best friend:

And we went to Yellowstone:

We met these really fun Washington boys:

We went to the tetons:

good trip:

tetons:

My buddy Benjamin:

I went Bridge Jumping...well, I photographed:

football games:

I went to conference:

I dyed my hair black:

I celebrated two years off of chemo:

I fell into the bed of a truck backwards and got this awesome bruise:

I met these two goofballs from Nevada City California:

I lived by a temple:

I went to war over a cup:

And took it on adventures:

I went to the sand dunes: (this is my only picture)

I dressed up like an 80's girls for halloween:

I watched these two stuff 22 pieces of gum in their mouths:

I got bit by Brian...hardcore:

I wrote my name in a football field of snow:

I went to Jackson Hole:

I saw sunsets like this often:

We had N64 parties:

We went on box runs:

I fell in love with Jamba:

I also moved in with Symone:

We had epic photo adventures:

I got to shoot with a Nikkon d60:

I went to California and ate at In-n-out for the first time:

I fell in love:

My friends became my second family:

I became a pro at sticky notes:

I learned to enjoy thunder snow:

I love my friends. I love you forever.

Will.......

A. It looks like I will have a 91 in Book of Mormon. Yes.

2. I got an A on my Humanities Final

C. I think my Middle East class is going to be okay.

4. I am all packed. Almost everything is at Jordan's, ready to be put in storage

E. I am trying real hard for a low B in history, but it might be a high C

6. Science...should be fine? I haven't really thought about this. I should study for that tomorrow.

G. Basically....it looks like I will have a 2.7 GPA this semester. Definitely not the best, but all's I am concerned about is getting off of probation. I am almost ready to say i WILL be fine.

This is just a random update. can you tell all I have been thinking/living/breathing/worrying/stressing about have been my grades?

I am so tired. Bed time.

Will?

So:

A: I should pass Book of Mormon with flying Colors. I might even get an A! relief.

B: I should have a solid B in Humanities. I need to talk to my teacher tomorrow and make sure my absences are all excused from my fall.

C: I got a 92% on my last middle east test today! YES! this is going to help my grade greatly! I also am going to make up two quizes tomorrow! I should get a C in this class, maybe a B-? 

C2: (i forgot science). I think I did okay on my last science test, but I am not sure. I did well on the first half of the final today (it was just a survey) and I need to study for the second half on thursday. 

D: History...my last worry. I have a lot of work to do for it still. I hope that I can find the time. 

E: Packing...started last night. Need to get that done tomorrow so that Jord and I can make it to the storage unit. 

F: I got a summer job at the town rec program as a full time counselor. I am relieve that I will have some form of income this summer. I feel blessed.

G: Hamilton was fixed as of two days ago...and broke down again. Daddy says he is back in the garage and hopefully will be ready to go when I get home.

H: I am so ready to be in California with Brian and Zandra! and I am really excited to see oregon with Vicki and visit the coast!

In conclusion...I think it is almost safe to say i WILL be okay...but I still don't feel that great about it...so Im still sticking with the should.

The Lord is on thy Side.

This morning was not good. I woke up from a dream, and couldn't fall back asleep. My mind started running about all of the things that need to get done in the next four days and I just felt like the world was placed on my shoulder. 

I have worked really hard this semester to get my grades up. I've been a little stressed about getting off of academic probation, but have been pretty collected about having the situation under control. I got an e-mail from the registrar the other day, reminding me that if my grades are not good by the end of the semester, then I will be suspended from school. It was like turning my blood into pure stress. I can't get suspended from school. I love Idaho, I belong out here and I can not face my parents if I got suspended from school. I would feel like such a failure and disappointment. 

I've been on work overload this weekend. I've been pouring over my grades over and over again.

I have an 82 in Science. I am studying hard for my last unit exam and my final exam. I am not afraid of this grade going down. I am safe.

I have an 85 in Humanities. The exam is a take-home and open notes. I have to finish a few culture event sheets and make sure my module exam grade gets recorded. I am safe in this class.

I have a 72 in History, but I have two weeks of work I need to catch up with, which will put me into the 80's. Plus, I completed the extra credit, which will give me an extra 8% on my grade. I am safe in this class.

I do not have a very good grade in Middle East, which is ironically my favorite class this semester. I fell earlier this semester and missed a few classes. Even though I got them medically excused, my teacher would not let me make up a few quizzes, which really hurt me. I'm going to talk to my teacher tomorrow and hopefully get that squared away. 

Book of Mormon is up in the air right now, but it should be fine. I will feel better about that grade when I hand in my extra-credit and make-up work tomorrow.

But. I should be safe. I should be fine. My grades should be okay and I should get off of academic probation. Should. I hate that word.

General Conference today was amazingly moving and really helped my soul.

There was one speaker who spoke of changes in our lives and how we must embrace them because they are part of God's plan for us. If we have faith and have good attitudes, then we will be able to see ourselves through the changes that we face and know that everything will work out in the end. As I sit here, four days out from the end of the semester; facing some very hard goodbyes and some very welcoming hello's, I know that these coming changes will be hard. 

But I also know that these changes in my life are all part of the plan that God has for me. I know that going home this summer, that Brian leaving and going on his mission for two years, and that whatever my academic standing ends up being are all part of the eternal plan that God has for me. I take comfort in knowing that even though I am not aware of what may happen, that God does and that he will not forsake me or leave me comfortless. 

These are my thoughts of today. I must turn back to my academics. Hopefully by tomorrow night, the phrase my grades should be fine will turn into my grades will be fine.

just kidding.

My roommates and I have been "just kidding" the past couple of days.

my goal is to get this good:

Six days left in the Burg...

Plans are finalized for departure of the Burg.

Vicki and I will be leaving Rexburg next Thursday for Idaho Falls and spending the night there. Friday morning it is bye-bye Idaho, hello Oregon! 

As the last days of the semester wind down and come to a close,  I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. I have had so many opportunities to learn and grow over the last two semesters and I know that I am returning back to New England in a few weeks a totally different, bigger and better person then when I left.