puzzle pieces

Everything is finally falling into place for the next five months. Financial aid has come in, all my debts have been paid, my car is running, I've started purchasing necessary and needed things for China and all three of my doctors have cleared me (again) to travel abroad. I'm really going. This is really happening.

I'm about to live a dream and nothing is going to stop me. 

Tender Mercies

Today has been a day of tender mercies, and I am grateful for living a life where I can easily recognize God's hand in my every day dealings and answered prayers. These are just a few small and simple, but ever so meaningful and beautiful moments from my day today.

1. Sam gave me a ride to work, so I didn't have to walk in the cold. And I didn't have to work on Jenzabars this morning, which is good because I didn't have the ability to concentrate on them. Instead, I went to the Philanthropies office and folded boxes with Cami and Jess and listened to Christmas music.

2. I was struck with sudden inspiration on exactly what I am going to do with my Brit Lit author portfolio and creative response. It will be a lot of work, but I feel so much calmer knowing that I have a clear direction and final goal.

3. I received a happy letter. And my sweet roommate called me the second it came so that I would know.

4. My apartment complex gave us free pizza today and told us that they would not be requiring us to complete White Glove at check outs. This removes SO MUCH stress from my last week of school.

5. I found out that ALL of my financial aid will be available to me next semester, which means I have China paid in full, and extra money to put towards spending. Huge, huge, HUGE relief.

6. Mom told me she was going to help put Cazz on the road when I come home from school. New tires, new wheel baring and all. Words fail me to describe how happy and GRATEFUL I am to know I will be reunited with my little transformer in just three weeks.

7. I'm behind in school and have so much to do, but I'm calm and focused. I feel good about taking on these next few weeks. I'm stocked up on snacks and Barqs and I am planning my time out so that I will be ahead of the game. I will survive.

Happy Tuesday!

Observations on friendships

You know what is a bummer? When you feel like you are being replaced. When you have friends who you would do anything for; who you did everything with, and because circumstances changed slightly, you feel like you are being forgotten. You feel like you are becoming more of an obligation. You feel like you have to put more time in energy into other relationships because you are afraid of being left alone. You watch from a distance as they spend more time with other people and only hang out with you when you initiate it. You watch everyone receive their happily ever after and you feel stuck because you are in this standstill, waiting to see if you get yours. And no one seems to care about that anymore. No one seems to understand how utterly lonely and hard it can be to be standing on that end of the spectrum. 

It is a never ending cycle. It happens to friendships in middle school when you move up to high school. And it happens to friendships in high school when you move on to college. And I'm learning that it happens in college too.

But it's okay. This isn't a pity party. This isn't an attack at anyone. These are just observations while I watch others around me find a happiness that I sometimes feel will never come for me.

But, I'm happy in other ways. I've got good things going for me. I'm walking again and I am making plans to have my hip procedure done during break and to go back to PT to continue to push my range. I'm really going to China next semester to teach English and to make a difference in someone's life. And I'll get to come home and live another summer of service at Zion's Camp. I have an incredible family, home ward and stake who support me in everything I do. I have sweet roommates and awesome co-workers.  I have an amazing best friend who somehow figures out how to be the most supportive and stable rock in my life, even when he can't be with me. And I have the gospel, and the knowledge of forever families. I have Thanksgiving Break in Boise with Jillise next week. And I have New England and my fireplace and my family and my cazz machine waiting for me in just over a month. 

I'm not one to confront others with how I feel when it comes to these things; so I write it out, count my blessings and realize that it's okay. I'm never going to be left alone. I am blessed. I am happy. And I will just hope that I'll never be entirely forgotten by those I love most. 

Life last week.

1. Last weekend was my official 5 year remission anniversary. I hiked R Mountain with three of my favorite girls in celebration. It was really really really tough work and took a lot out of me and I thought about stopping and turning back multiple times. But then I reached the top. Tears just started streaming down my face; because I reached the top. I hiked a mountain and my knee didn't fail and I was alive.
I am a five year survivor. And my live is beautiful.

2. I already posted about shooting Elysha and Sebasthian last weekend; but what I didn't get to tell you was how they took me out for pizza after and came over Sunday so that Sebasthian could explain some of the photos Dustin sent to me a few weeks ago. That was really awesome. Have I expressed how grateful I am for them?

3. I have some pretty awesome friends who really love me. Like Ms. Symone; who left this really great surprise of all my favorite treats in my room on Tuesday to celebrate my five years of surviving.

I'm not dying!

I used to hate my scar. It was puckery and red and just downright ugly and it was a constant reminder about the (excuse my language) Hell I went through when I was 16. And I hated that I would never be able to escape it; that I would always be marked and reminded of the things I had lost and would never get back.

But that was when I was 16 and still coming to grips with cancer and the fact that I was fighting for my life every day. Now that I'm a tad bit older and I can see that cancer is one of the best things that has happened to me (although I never want to have to go through it again), I have learned to love and embrace my scar. It is a daily reminder that I can overcome anything placed in my way; that I was given this life because I am the only one strong enough to live it. It reminds me not to take things for granted; to take the time to walk down the drive way and get the mail because I can. Every time I look at those 16 inches of imperfect skin, I think about the people I love that are in my life because of that dumb tumor named Ricardo. It is my badge of courage. I have accepted that it will be there forever and I don't mind it anymore. And on some days, I actually love it.

Something that I had to learn to deal with since my first surgery was the awkward questions and looks that I would get. It's funny how bold people can be when they see something out of the ordinary. Or how ignorant. On an almost daily basis during the summer, I get the look up and down, the puzzled glance or a statement along the lines of: "Wow, that's a doozy! What did you do?" or "ACL injury, huh?" or "You are too young to have an injury like that" or my personal favorite: "It looks like you're dying."At first, it irritated me. Didn't people have the common decency to not ask about something so personal? Does it look like it was a simple ACL injury? Yes, I know I'm too young to have such a bad knee. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M DYING? Now, I just brush it off and skirt around it if I can. And since August 24th, I can now proudly and with great relief say: "No, I am not dying." Because, in fact, I am five years cancer free. And in the great cancer medical world, that is as closed to "cured" as I will ever get. 

Can I tell you what it's like to be five years cancer free? It's like coming up for air after being underwater for too long. It's like waking up to the sunshine after a weeks worth of rain. It's like I can finally look forward for longer then five minutes without having to look over my shoulder to make sure something isn't creeping up on me. It's like the whole world has finally opened up before me, and it's brighter and more vivid and stunning then I've ever seen, because it is. I don't take things for granted like I used to. And my life is full of opportunities that I can finally take a hold of without anything holding me back because I'm not afraid to be away from Boston for long periods of time. I'm not afraid of losing my ability to breathe. I'm not afraid of my knee failing. I'm. not. afraid. 

I guess I never was afraid of cancer coming back, because if I had to live with that kind of fear, I would have drowned. But I was afraid of having to put my life on hold in order to fight it again. But now I feel like I can finally live without that fear. I can make plans and follow through with them. I can even go to China.

So, no, man at the McDonalds in Raymond, I'm not dying! In fact, I am very, very much alive.

I believe in miracles. In second chances. In love. In God. In answered prayers. In life.

four days

I got a phone call on Saturday from my best friend Juli. It went like this:
"I have a proposition. I think I'm going to change my flight and fly in on Thursday instead of Saturday. Can you pick me up at the airport? Then we can drive up to Maine and spend the rest of the week/weekend with my family at the cabin they are renting."
me: "I love that proposition. I would love that more than anything else."

So, Juli is coming home earlier then originally planned, I get to go to Maine and go camping for the weekend, and then I get to go on adventures to the beach, Boston and maybe up north over the next two weeks with my best friend, whom I haven't seen since April! I'M SO EXCITED!

Also. Primary went really well today. I teach a class of seven and eight year olds and on average have four kids a week. Two of them struggle with Autism, so it can be extremely challenging at times. It's been a hugeeee learning experience, but a wonderful one. I learn so much from my kids and am so impressed and moved by their willingness to learn and their love for Christ. It's going to be hard to leave them in a few weeks. Today, Betsy looked at me and said: "Please don't leave us and go back to college!" and then gave me a huge hug. UGH! I didn't have the heart to tell her that I booked my flight yesterday! (BTW, I BOOKED MY FLIGHT YESTERDAY!)

My knee is feeling great these days and yesterday at camp I did A LOT of trucking around with my dad during check outs and I didn't even think about my knee. This is a huge HUGE thing for me because whenever I'm walking for long periods of time, the only thing I become aware of is my knee and how much it hurts and how to step over logs and so on and so on. Yesterday it didn't even cross my mind. I am so blessed-this knee has been one of the biggest miracles in my life and is changing my life every day.

My mom is laughing hysterically at some show on Animal Planet and trying to talk in a southern accent about "Bein' downah in tha buy-yous." I'm going to go join the party.

Spending days at Zion

The LDS church bought an old boyscout camp a few years ago and is turning into a camp to be used for girls camp that will serve all of the stakes in southern New England. My old stake president and his wife were instrumental in the purchasing of the camp and were the original directors until the sudden death of President P in March. My parents were recently asked to serve a service mission (a few weeks ago) and to be the camp directors of Zion's camp. There is SO much work to do to get the camp ready for the summer, including obtaining permits, fixing things up for state standards, setting up rules and guidelines for the stakes, general maintenance and organizing. So, needless to say, the family has jumped in feet first. Since my mom is still working at school and just finished seminary, I've been helping a lot with paper work, scheduling, emailing and such. Today, we went up to camp and I was in charge of opening up the office. There was a computer to get running, documents to be made and emails to be sent and files to organize. I was there for four hours and barely made a dent! There is so much to do and we open camp in three weeks!

'

As stressful as it is to realize that there is just so much to do in order to get the camp ready, I have already seen miracles take place as we go forward with faith to prepare this dedicated piece of land. I'm not even a set apart missionary, just a daughter of one, but faith and service is required of all of us, as a family, to make this succeed. I knew there was a reason why getting my knee replaced this summer and having to be home was right; and being able to play a part in serving all of the stake in New England by helping get this camp up and running is one of them. I already feel like I am learning so much by dedicated my time to this project and helping my parents. While cleaning out the office computer today, I stumbled across a few documents that President P had created, logging miracles that he had seen while working in the camp. It was such a strength to me and I felt so grateful to be part of the family chosen to continue this work.  I'll be spending most of my summer up at camp with my mom, helping run the office and driving around in the golf cart!

Post Script:

I seriously am so blessed to have the BEST team of doctors in the world.

My oncologist and my orthopedic surgeon not only have saved my life

but have worked hard to keep me alive after initial treatment,

and to improve the quality of my life, instead of giving up on my case

and to make my dreams (such as teaching in China) come true.

Not only do I love being a New Englander,

but I know there is a reason why I was born and raised here:

being close to one of the best cancer treatment facilities in the world is one of them,

and having the opportunity to be inspired by people who look at me for who I am instead of what I am (a patient).

They make me want to change the world.

and you really can't go wrong with people like that.

adjusting

it's been three years since i was last on crutches

and being back on them is a big adjustment.

just over a week ago, i got out of bed when i wanted to

and i went to the kitchen to grab a snack when i was hungry

and heck, i could even stay up late in my living room watching movies on the big tv.

but now, i'm back to the whole routine of:

walkie talkies to wake up mom when i need to go to the bathroom

and going to my room at nine so that my leg can be properly propped up

and asking my sisters to bring me a sandwich so i can have some lunch.

adjustment.

it's really hard to give up that freedom of walking

and of relying on knees that work (or in my case, just getting me places)

and sometimes it is frustrating to not just get up and go when i want to.

just concentrating on getting down the hallway is hard work.

heel. bend. toe. extend. heel. bend. toe. extend.

and then i get to the recliner in the living room and sit out there.

i've already read a whole novel and mastered a basic introductory conversation in french in the two days i've been out of the hospital.

and tonight, i convinced my mom to let me stay in the living room after everyone went to bed so i could finish watching a walk to remember (yeah, i know)

and as i slowly made my way down the hall, my crutch hit a ruler that someone left on the floor and slid out from under me.

i didn't fall, but i put way too much weight and bend on my left knee.

and i had to wake up my mom to get me back to my bed.

basically: this is not easy.

but they never said it was going to be easy.

they only said it was going to be worth it.

i'm almost five years cancer free, but i've still got plenty of battles to fight because of what it left me with.

and i'm not complaining.

because i'm learning so much about myself and about family and about sacrifice and service and love

it's a never ending lesson

and sometimes i get tired, and sometimes i need to adjust

but at the end of the day, 

i have to remember that

i have two legs

and i am alive.

and with time,

and patience and hard work and prayers and faith,

i'll have two knees again someday

and i'll be able to go get that midnight snack that i'm craving right now.

=]

remember to breathe, chelsabelle,

everything is going to be okay.

I can't believe...

...that I am entering my last week in Rexburg for quite sometime. I am so excited to go home; to breathe solid New England air, to spend quality time with my ocean and summer and getting my freckles, to hang out with my family and to learn more about the beautiful individuals my siblings are becoming. I can not wait to invest time in things that I haven't had the ability to do lately, like reading classic novels and learning Spanish and Chinese and writing long letters to my best friend. I'm anxious, but overall, excited to get my new knee and to recover and work hard to be walking right for the first time in five years. I cannot wait to spend time with my kitty and to sleep in my big, glorious bed and to watch the fireflies come alive on hot August nights as the sun sets.

but honestly, I'm pretty sad about leaving Idaho. Rexburg has been my home for the last year and a half. Some of my favorite memories; my very best friends and the spirit that has taught me and shaped me into the person I am today are all here, in this small little town. There is a spirit and feeling about Rexburg that has change me, for the good. I am better here. I understand life here. I'm closer to God here.

because, when it comes down to it, I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be until I came here.

As cold as the winters get, and as dull as some nights can be,

this beautiful skyline and the countless stars that are scattered across the sky

the sand dunes, the big hill and the roads that only Cazz and I seem to know

this is where I figured myself out.

I know who I am now.

and I know where I want to go and who I want to continue to be.

So maybe it's okay that I'm leaving now, because I've got it figured out.

Thank you, Rexburg.

My heart may always belong to New England, but a large part of who I am is all thanks to you.

I'm going to get at least two B's on my report card!

I somehow managed to pull up my english grade from a 71% to an 80%!!!!!!!

Dustin Carr, if it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have been able to do it.
thank you for the constant encouragement, support and love throughout the last week of school. For making me sleep when I was exhausted, for bringing me cheesy bread when I was craving it, for taking care of Cazz when I had no time and for starting the oven while I took care of other errands. And thanks for reading to me, and sharing cocoa bean with me and reminding me to breathe when I woke up late for my final. You are so stinkin' good to me!

you are my favorite person.
you are the best person I know, actually.
and the biggest blessing in my life.

and i love you!
=]

i am thankful for:

New England, Autumn, Sunset Lake

 my home

My Hyundai Sonata and New Hampshire License Plates

my Cazz Machine

a constant reminder of how beautiful my life is

my best friend, my sister, my water ballet parter

my Julianna

my roommate, my buddy, my twin

my Misao

my roommates, my sisters, my family

Symone, Anne, Jillise, Erin & Monika

these two girls who have stuck it out with me since our first semester:

my Jillisey and Misao

my encouragement to keep fighting

my fellow survivors

kettle corn, summer time, days spent with friends

my blue bow

my musically gifted and photographic inspiration

my drive to continue to learn about God

my Zandra

my brother

constant laughter and giggles, through thick and thin

my beautiful sisters

summer drives, wind in my hair, dunkin donuts strawberry coolatas, good music

feeling infinite.

my kitty.

my siblings.

my beach. my ocean.

my reminder at how small i am but how i count for something anyway

boston.

my city.

my doctor, my friend

my life saver.

sunsets, my favorite chair,

my moments to drink it all in and breathe.

traveling, matching headbands

my friends.

my very best friend, my constant support, my other half

the love of my life.

i'm so grateful.

i am so blessed.

happy thanksgiving.

name them one by one

In the sprit of the holiday and i the need for me to have my own reality check, as I took the long way home from the parking lot of Alpine to the front door of The Pines. My mood considerably changed while I listed off some of the simplest things that make me happy. When it comes down to it, there is no way to deny how beautiful and blessed my life is.

I am thankful for Cazz, and for the fact that he heats up really fast in the winter cold and for roommates who let me vent when I need to and who offer good advice and for home teachers who actually come to home teach and who give me blessings of comfort.
I am thankful for letters from friends in the mission field who somehow say exactly what I need them to say, and make me laugh and realize that I am never alone.
I am thankful for tie-dye slippers and for two legs and two feet to wear my slippers on.
I am thankful for tissues to blow my stuffy nose.
I am thankful for traveling and for bosses who give me work off so I can travel.
I am thankful for music and for ipod adapters to play my music through.
I am thankful for TGIF gift cards and people who share them with me and for photo booths in the mall and for my blue bow that gave me a beautiful friendship..
I am thankful for clean laundry.
I am thankful for knots in my hair to brush out and for fingers to do dishes with, to hold hands with, to cut hair with.
I am grateful for my trials, and for the things i learn from them and the person i've grown into because of them. I've had the opportunity to really evaluate my life over the last few days and see how certain trials had a huge part in putting me here, with certain people and in a certain place and I am so grateful.

and with that knowledge, I have to remember that someone knows what he is doing and I just have to trust him.

my life is beautiful.

Sunday Morning with Lynn

it's humid here. walking outside is like walking into a swimming pool and i feel like i'm drowning every time i step out of the door. i don't know how i survived six flags on Saturday. actually, i didn't. after four years of keeping my feet on the ground, my stomach and my mcdonalds was screaming NO MORE after the second roller coaster of the day. combine that with severe heat and sunshine. not happy.

there is a wooden sign stuck outside of the front door. it says: "Geddie Zoo, do not feed" is big letters. It's so fitting, not because they are animals, but because of the good humored people who live in the first house on the right here on Hidden Trail Ln...one of the most beautiful families in the world.

church for Klein ward starts at one in the afternoon, but I wake up at nine this morning to a knocking at the door and "WAFFLES! WAFFLES!" being yelled down the hall by a combination of three kids. Geoff pokes his head in and laughs at the lines imprinted on my face from the pillow case and echos the yells down the hall: "Dad is making waffles." I groan and throw myself back into bed. my body clock is super messed up from keeping up with four different time zones. only a few minutes later does Daniel wander by my door and poke his head in. "Chels! Waffles!" he yells, looking at me like i'm crazy for not understanding how important breakfast is. I get up slowly and stumble behind him down the stairs into the kitchen. The whole family is gathered around the dinning room table and piles of waffles are stacked at one end. April looks up and waves at me. "You're beautiful!" she signs and i sign back, thanking her and asking if she was having a good morning. Everyone sits down and the feast begins. There is laughter and there is arguing and there is a baby black kitten climbing into my lap and trying to take a bite out of my waffle. it's chaos, but it's beautiful.

After breakfast, the girls and I sprawl out on the floor in the living room with the two kittens and their toys, playing with them and laughing at their silly kitten antics. Laura calls from the back: "Chelsie, mom wants to see you!"

I get up and walk into the dark bedroom connected to the living room. The only sound is of the fans blowing and the slight hiss of the oxygen tanks. There are stuffed animals everywhere and disney princesses and pictures and notes hanging all over the walls and it's very homey. Lynn looks up at me from the bed as I walk towards her side. "No, honey, that's not how it works here. You get in on the other side." I pause and then change my route, climbing into the other side of the bed, curling up on my right side so i'm facing her. We lay there for a minute in silence and then she begins to talk. and my life begins to change.

we talk about pain.
she tells me about knee replacements and how when she was little, she lived in san antonio and went to the zoo one day with her family after seriously hurting her leg. and she tells me about the sunken gardens and how much she loved looking at flowers, even as a little girl. we talk about dealing with pain and she asks me if i'm in pain a lot. "Constantly," i tell her, "but it's the kind of pain that you get used to after a while." She nods in understanding. there is some pain you live with every day that becomes normal and after a while, you just don't feel it anymore. The pain becomes a part of you and you forge forward because acknowledging the pain doesn't get you anywhere. And on days that the pain is worse; the days where you feel it more then usual, those are the days you remember that life is different for you and that things aren't normal. And then you count your blessings. pain is one of them, because you realize that you are blessed in so many other ways.

we talk about hope.
she tells me about getting into the medical field, even though she herself never got into the profession. "I say we, because when your husband goes into something like that, you do it together. it's a commitment that both of you make to each other; because you both need to support each other. so i say 'we'". Support those you love, because they will support you. She tells me about the times dad was working on the Peds oncology floor and about the children she met and the children she watched lose the fight. And she tells me about the church and how she held on to the hope of the atonement and of Christ. And I realize that hope is everything. Without it, we cease to live.

we talk about fighting for what we believe in.
she tells me about adopting my best friend. and how he wasn't supposed to live, but she fought for him because she knew that he was supposed to be a member of their family; because she knew he was supposed to be her son. she talks about fighting for every one of her children's lives and how every challenged she faced with them became a growing experience. She talks about the countless surgeries she watched her children go through and how she thought she was so close to losing April one time that the doctors told her to plan funeral arrangements. "But I knew, I knew that if I kept faith and I kept fighting, things would work out." fighting with love is the most powerful kind of fight you can put up. with love, you can do anything.

we talk about me:
favorite disney character-pluto
favorite princess-belle
favorite color-blue
favorite food-'well, i like m&ms'..."m&ms' are NOT a dinner food!"
favorite dessert-cheesecake
and then she goes on to ask about boys, family and cancer. "i expect to know these things!" she says when i giggle at her endless list.

we talk about dying.
she tells me about how she knew from her first diagoinses that she was going to die, and how dying is not easy. It's slow and it's painful and she worries about her kids. She's not afraid to go, but she's afraid to leave them behind. She talks about how she knows she doesn't have a lot of time left and she still has so much she wants to do. and I tell her that we'll do things while I'm here and we make a list of stuff to get done in the next couple days. And I think about how important it is to live life, to do things that scare me, to take the opportunity to learn things, to tell people i love them whenever i have the chance. I think about how hard it must be to lose the ability to do daily chores or to put away dishes and I vow to myself to never complain about taking the trash out again. "you learn to appreciate the small moments," she says quietly as her eyes droop shut. "because those moments become everything to you." she pauses for a moment. "Sorry, I'm drugged." and she laughs and I laugh with her because I know.

"you're a breath of fresh air," she says as I climb out of bed because I have to get ready for church. I tell her that i'll come back after church and we'll keep on talking. "okay hunny, i love you." she calls out after me and i think about how I've only known her for two days and I love her too and she's changed my life in more then one way.

running

today is one of those days when I feel like the only way i would feel better is if I ran hard and fast for as long as I possibly could.

not being able to do that reminds me to not take the small, simple things for granted and to appreciate everything that I have. Sometimes things weigh me down so much that I don't know how I'm still standing, but somehow here I am, still on two feet. To those who have lifted me and carried me in all of my times of trial and need, thank you. I love you. I know that I sometimes dish out a lot. I hope one day I'll feel like I'm worth it. and I hope that someday, I can repay you.

stretch your legs out. wiggle your toes. count your fingers. take a deep breathe. listen to your heart beat.


tell someone you love them. right now. even if you told them this morning or yesterday or just a few minutes ago. you never know when that opportunity will be gone.

no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

I'm going back

So the story goes:

I have this incredible friend who lives in Oregon

and although we've been friends for four semesters,

only recently have my eyes been opened to how blessed and lucky I am to have her in my life.

I've learned so much from her strength and from her view on life

and from all of the time we've spent together this semester.

I honestly don't think I would be okay if she wasn't around to keep me on two feet.

and she's taking me home to Oregon this weekend

and back to the ocean

and back to the fresh air

and back to the mountains

and back to the green trees

and bento, and zebra hot chocolate and long car rides

and away from my life for a few days

and I couldn't be more thankful or excited

or feel so blessed to have her in my life.

I love you long time, Ms. Moore.

don't ever forget how beautiful and how loved you are.

and if you do, don't worry...

I will always be here to remind you if you forget.

hello Cassidy

so, I'm sitting on my couch, waiting for the phone call from my mom to let me know that she had landed in Salt Lake City and was on her way up. The phone call comes. Mom is on the road. She's driving a silver Hyundai Sonata and she is really impressed with it. i giggle.

the door knocks.

"COME IN!"

i yell in mid conversation with my mother.

blonde hair. Red Sweatshirt. Handlebar Mustache.

In walks my father.

utter shock

..DAD?

*click* i hang up the phone.

"Did you just hang up on your mother?"

...oh yeah...i guess i did...isn't she with you?

"call her back."

Mom is back on the phone and I ask where she is.

Dad holds up the key. familiar black rounded top with the slanted H in the corner.

Hamilton?

"Your grandfather and I decided to take a road trip."

..shock...

"go get some shoes."

I run fast into my room. Best friend is frantically getting dressed. "i can't believe i'm missing this!"

I slide on my slippers and run back out. up the stairs, out the door. Grandfather standing outside with the camera.

I walk into the parking lot, cautiously.

mom, where are you?

"Mom isn't coming."

...shock...

mom isn't coming?

..sadness..

"we needed a reason to keep you home today."

...shock...

Dad holds up the key.

oh right...key...

is Hamilton here?

"I'm driving this really nice Silver Hyundai Sonata..." my mom says in the cell phone.

silver...hyundai...

eyes make a connection with a silver car in the parking lot.

is that...is that the car?

"check the license plates..."

running around the back...New Hampshire...live free or die...

it clicks

DAD...DID YOU BUY ME A CAR?

laughter and delight. Best friend giggling in the background.

and then the tears came. non stop shedding of tears. shock, surprise, overwhelming love for my father.

I am so blessed. I am so blessed. words can not describe how thankful I am and how loved I feel.

He's not Hamilton. He's not my little green car with the little purr. He's Cassidy. Silver sleekness and quiet stealth. The love of a father for his daughter wrapped into a beautiful gesture of compassion and adoration. it's amazing and I am speechless. Dad bought me a car. He drove it across the country. He sacrificed so much so that I could have this car. I am so blessed.

and life is so beautiful.

baby blessings:

because Hamilton is not coming out to school I:

1. Have enough room to pack my Napolien Dynamite Poster

2. Have enough room to pack my brown boots

3. Emptied out the change cubby and have a million quarters for laundry

4. Have 200 dollars more in my bank account because I don't have to pay for insurance

5. Could give dad my seat cushion to help his back for Izzy (dad's car)

6. Got to go to my high schools football game

7. Saw a few more friends before I left 

8. Got to see my old marching band preform for the first time in over a year

9. Had one last family dinner all together

10. Got to spend a few more nights in the comfort of my beautiful bed.

11. Get to see Symone earlier then expected.

seeing my baby blessings help the sun to stay shinning and my hopes up.