adjusting

it's been three years since i was last on crutches

and being back on them is a big adjustment.

just over a week ago, i got out of bed when i wanted to

and i went to the kitchen to grab a snack when i was hungry

and heck, i could even stay up late in my living room watching movies on the big tv.

but now, i'm back to the whole routine of:

walkie talkies to wake up mom when i need to go to the bathroom

and going to my room at nine so that my leg can be properly propped up

and asking my sisters to bring me a sandwich so i can have some lunch.

adjustment.

it's really hard to give up that freedom of walking

and of relying on knees that work (or in my case, just getting me places)

and sometimes it is frustrating to not just get up and go when i want to.

just concentrating on getting down the hallway is hard work.

heel. bend. toe. extend. heel. bend. toe. extend.

and then i get to the recliner in the living room and sit out there.

i've already read a whole novel and mastered a basic introductory conversation in french in the two days i've been out of the hospital.

and tonight, i convinced my mom to let me stay in the living room after everyone went to bed so i could finish watching a walk to remember (yeah, i know)

and as i slowly made my way down the hall, my crutch hit a ruler that someone left on the floor and slid out from under me.

i didn't fall, but i put way too much weight and bend on my left knee.

and i had to wake up my mom to get me back to my bed.

basically: this is not easy.

but they never said it was going to be easy.

they only said it was going to be worth it.

i'm almost five years cancer free, but i've still got plenty of battles to fight because of what it left me with.

and i'm not complaining.

because i'm learning so much about myself and about family and about sacrifice and service and love

it's a never ending lesson

and sometimes i get tired, and sometimes i need to adjust

but at the end of the day, 

i have to remember that

i have two legs

and i am alive.

and with time,

and patience and hard work and prayers and faith,

i'll have two knees again someday

and i'll be able to go get that midnight snack that i'm craving right now.

=]

remember to breathe, chelsabelle,

everything is going to be okay.