and all of a sudden, I'm gone

well, almost gone.

It just hit me two hours ago that I have two days left in New England. 
I have been counting the days down until I go back to school, watching the days pass by, day in and day out. And all of a sudden, it is almost time to leave and my heart is hurting a little bit.
I love New England. And no matter how many times I realize how much I love my home, I always end up taking it for granted. This last week is no exception. I was focusing on leaving instead of enjoying my last week being home, and now I have a couple precious days to soak in the New England Sunshine and tress and rocks and streams.

I am excited to go back to school, for the road trip with my dad and for seeing the beautiful sights of this country. But I am sad to leave home. I will miss my family the most. I really love my sisters and my brother and my parents and I will miss spending time with them. This summer has been a huge growing experience for me to appreciate what a wonderful family I have been blessed with and how the family is such an important and central unit to my life. 

I will also miss my big bed, my goof ball kitties and long drives on West Street. 

I think what gets me most is that I am not sure when exactly I will be back for a long period of time. I know I will be home for Christmas, but my plans for the summer still remain very unsure and mirky. I have a car that I don't want to drag across the country more then necessary, and I have a few options that I could look into. Staying in Idaho for the spring semester, moving to Utah and living with Juli or studying abroad are all things that I could do. As much as I love home, I know that I need to grow up and that my house isn't really where I belong any more after I leave here on Wednesday. My sister already has plans to move into my bed and my dad is planning on moving his hiking gear into my closet. I need to be more settled in the West for a while, be on my own and really focus on what I need to do and where I need to go.

Maybe it's nostalgia that is getting to my heart. This is where I grew up; where I made some of my best and favorite memories. That is the swing set I used to swing my life away on; that is the window I used to day dream while looking out; and over there is the path into the woods that I used to wander around. That is the pine where I found a baby porquie pine stuck in; and that is the tree I used to have my little mayors office under when we played town. I have always been very eager to grow up, but tonight my heart aches for those times where I was little and carefree and a big, bright world to play in. 

Even though there are those days and weeks where time moves by so slowly, when I look at the big picture, it seems to me that my life has moved by so fast; in the blink of an eye. I am a sophomore in college now. And before I know it, I will be a junior. I want to scream: "Hey! Slow down a minute! I am not ready to be THIS old or THIS grown up."

But I guess I need to be. And so I will. Everything passes in its time and season, and the truth is, I leave Wednesday for the big wide world once more and I don't know when I will be back. But hey world, bring it on. 

I know I will be ready.


are you in good hands?

Maybe I am a pansy, but almost every time I watch one of these Allstate commercials, I tear up.

"After the fear subsides, a funny thing happens. People start enjoying the small things in life."

"We've learned that the best things in life don't cost much."

Oh Dennis Haysbert. You make my heart melt every time. 


abandonment anxiety complex

My big black and white kitty named MgGinnus has developed what I call "abandonment anxiety complex." Ever since we have been home from our week vacation at the beach house, he has been following someone around non-stop. He won't leave any one alone, and this is very unlike him. He will sit in your lap, he will sit on your bed, he will sit in your chair, he will sit on your back when you are reading your book on your tummy. He is very affectionate, which only happens on a regular basis when he is hungry. He is affectionate 24/7 now. When he can't find anyone in the house, he will sit in the hallway and meow the saddest little cry for love you will ever hear until someone calls his name or goes to get him and bring him back to their room. When he sees us getting our bags and keys to leave for the day, he gets anxious. He sits at the top of the stairs with wide eyes until we are on our way out the door and then tries to get out with us. We have to gently push him back to shut the front door and walk away from the little kitty face peaking out the window, watching us leave.

Abandonment Anxiety Complex. It probably isn't a real term, but my kitty is suffering from it. 

And while he was mewing in the middle of the hall today, I thought to myself. We all suffer from AAC sometimes. At least I do. I have watched a lot of people who I love and trust and have let into my heart leave me and it has deepened my fear that the people who are still in my life will leave me too. Sometimes, I get clingy, like Gin is now.  Sometimes, I get upset, like Gin gets when we leave. Sometimes, I get over affectionate, so that people will remember that they love me and they won't want to leave.

But I realized today that the thing to remember is that no matter where I am or who has left me, I am never alone. 
God is always with me, and will come find me in the hallway when I can't find anyone else and pick me up and bring me to a place where I feel safe and comforted.

And I think that is truly beautiful.

As for MgGin, he will eventually realize that the house will always have someone home every night until next beach week, in the summer of '10 and he will revert back to his affectionate ways of only being nice when he is hungry. What a character.


Hamilton Therapy

I realize that I have mentioned Hamilton Therapy frequently during the blogs of this summer, but I have never really explained what that is to me. I also realize that I talk about this car a lot, and I know that it must make me sound a bit snotty or worldly, but I am not, I swear.

In celebration of officially buying Hamilton on Sunday and Dad signing the title over to me and Hamilton being completely and totally all mine, I feel like I should expand on what Hamilton therapy is and why I love that car so much.

A lot of times during the fall semester, I felt so overwhelmed and completely alone in my battles. During those moments, the walls seemed to close in around me and I felt stuck. I couldn’t get up and leave, I couldn’t get far away from campus to really give me relief.

You know that feeling?

The feeling that you get when you just can’t handle the things around you, when you just need to get out and get away. The point where there is just so much on your mind, and so much going around you that you go into overdrive and overload.

When I am home and my dad starts talking money, and my mom starts talking chores, and my brother starts yelling and my knee is burning from trying to move something by myself, and I just can not deal with all of the pressure anymore, I grab my keys and my iPod and I get out.

Start the car, plug in my iPod and put on my Hamilton Therapy playlist, full of songs that calm me down or give me the opportunity to sing my heart out. Roll down the windows, take the emergency brake off and shift the gear into reverse. Out of the driveway and whichever way my arms turn is the way I go.

For me, there is something calming and beautiful about getting out of a place where I feel trapped and having total control of where I want to go. And where I go doesn’t even matter. The motions of driving, the wind in my hair and the purr of the engine combine to sooth my soul. But the best part of Hamilton Therapy is being surrounded by the beauty of this world. No matter how crappy or overloaded I feel, seeing the trees and the rocks and the streams and the lakes; how the sun filters through the clouds, the way road turns sharply and shows a whole new scene; driving along the coast and smelling the salt water and hearing the slight rush of the waves crashing over the sand and watching the sun set across the marshes…there is nothing that brings more peace to me then to realize the simple and beautiful wonders of this world.

Hamilton Therapy isn’t physically about Hamilton. It is about getting out and falling in love with the Earth. It is about realizing that no matter what happens, life continues to beautiful.

My ownership of Hamilton isn’t about physically having a car. My dad practically gave me his beloved and favorite automobile. Owning Hamilton for me is all about the trust and love that my father showed to me, and the sacrifices he has been willing to make for me. My father is one of the most giving and generous people I have ever met, and I am moved to tears frequently when driving my car and realizing how generous my dad is.

I love my car, but not because I am all about possessions. I love it because of what it represents to me.

Every day I am drive Hamilton, I am always reminded that no matter what happens, Life will continue to be beautiful.

I am so excited to drive my car across the country and to take my friends on Hamilton Therapy runs. I can not wait to see what other beautiful things I will be able to experience while driving across the midwest. Most of all, I am looking forward to the peace and comfort that only the open road can bring, with the windows down and the best music playing.

after all, Hamilton Therapy is the best therapy.


sentimental pack rat

Today the great clean out of '09 begins. I have 10 days left in The Shire before heading across the country, back to school.

My first project was to drag the giant bin from under my bed and go through it and see what the heck is in it. The last time I went through it had to have been four or five years ago.

and I have come to the conclusion that I am a sentimental pack rat. 
Gosh, there was so much crap in that bin that I can not throw away to save my life. I have saved every get well card, birthday card, valentines day card, graduation card that I have ever received since my 13th birthday. There is a notebook from my Freshman year with a "friend-rating list." What the crap? I apparently rated my friends 1-10, 10 being best friends and 1 being friendly but not friends. I must have went back a few months later because a lot of numbers are crossed off and replaced. I was so weird and slightly conceded. I have news paper clippings on end of family, friends and a few of myself. There are ticket stubs from movies, planes, trips and art galleries, pictures taken from my old polaroid camera, tons of notes and comics passed to me in the hallways of freshman/sophomore year, half done cross word puzzles, and get this:

A protractor in it's package with "A protractor for my 8th grade math class that I never opened" scribbled in my middle school handwriting. 

And try as I might, I could not throw anything away from that box. Everything I have in there has a memory attached, a life lesson learned or something I have improved on. 

But for real. If I am not careful with what I save, then I am going to end up on that show on when I am 40 years old and can't see my toilet because I have so much stuff. I'll pass the line of packrat into a hoarder, like this man:

Or maybe I will just be a cat lady.

I guess we will see.


Music Moods

Beach Week 2009. This is the music I have been digging while laying in the sunshine for hours on end:

By: Regina Spektor

Cat and Mouse
By: Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Scenic World
By: Beirut
(This is a hecka awesome video)

Sweetest Girl
by: Wycleaf Jean feat. Akkon, Lil Wayne and Niia

Done Writing Love Songs
by: The Morning Light

King of the Rodeo
by: Kings of Leon

An odd collection for sure, but definitely enjoyable.

Tired of the sunset

Everyone makes such a big deal about sunsets. 

Well, I can see why. Sunsets are beautiful. The sun is slowly sinking towards the horizon and the sky is painted with the most vibrant colors; always changing, shifting, melting and melding into one another until they eventually fade away into darkness. Sunsets represent the end of the day and the promise of rest from worries and stress. I have seen some of the most spectacular sunsets while living in Idaho:

They are beautiful. There is no doubt about that.

But the truth is: I am an East Coast girl. And sometimes I get tired of those sunsets.

The beginning of a new day, the vision of potential, dreams, achievement, hope and future. In order to have a sunset, the sun must rise first. As in life, in order to rest, we first must be awake. 
Watching the sun rise over the atlantic ocean is probably one of the most breath taking things I have ever seen. The horizon glowing with a soft pink, growing and expanding until the first glimmer of ray peaks over, reflecting on the ocean, rising and extending, chasing away the darkness and bringing warmth, light and a new day. The sight of awaiting opportunity, chances and most importantly: life. 

Every day the sun rises is another opportunity to learn and grow. For me, it is gift; my second chance at life. I do not want to waste any time. I have so much I want to do and learn and achieve and I am not sure how much time I have. No one is sure of how many days they have left to live. But I don't believe in regrets and I live my life so that when that sun sets after a day, I know that I have lived to my fullest potential. And when the sun rises again, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for God's beauty, and the gift of life; my life.

Sunsets are great and all. But they are overrated.
Give me a sunrise.
Give me hope and opportunity and light.

Give me life.


lack of blogs

I haven't blogged decently in a while. I re-read some very old blogs and I decided that I miss my good old blogging days when my blogs had a point to them. I have a small list of ideas that have been tinkering around my head as of late that I think I will write during the dusk hours of the remainder of beach week. So. Look out for a back in action blogging spree coming up soon.

Also. I bought an ipod case. Finally.


iPod woes

oh iPod touch. how i love your sleek design and your many applications. Bubble wrap is a favorite pass time. I will get to 200 popped bubbles within 45 seconds one day. Watch me.

I would like to apologize to you for never getting you a case. I know that you deserve one. Cases are just expensive! 20 dollars could get me new floor mats for Hamilton or pay for half of my oil change when i get to Idaho. I have to be a grown up now and grown ups have to budget their money and think about where the money can be spent best. I am not a fan, trust me. Every time I make some money, I think about getting you a nice case, I promise. But then I realize that I now have a car that I am responsible for and I need new towels when I go back to school. I can't even bring myself to buy that awesome pair of straight legged Levi jeans on SALE at kohls. 

I know that you got dirt in your head phone jack and I am really sorry about that. I would appreciate it if you could play music through it though. Please try. I promise to get you a case someday. Until then, I am going to make you a little pouch so that you will be safe from all other dirt inflicted injuries. 

I really do appreciate all that you do for me, little iPod. Thank you for not breaking on me and for always playing the right music for me when I put you on shuffle. 


computer virus?

my computer is doing this weird thing and it's bugging me.
when i click on links to certain websites that I visit frequently, my computer adds ".index" to the end of the url. and obviously, that doesn't bring me to the right website. so i can't get to certain parts of facebook or blogger and sometimes gmail!

i have no idea what is happening!

tummy tuck.

i need to tone my tummy.
more sit ups and less junk food.


Summer is fading fast

three days of work left.
Trying to see Amy, Allie and maybe Gage before the end of the week.
Working a wedding reception friday night.
Hamilton business early next week including: registration transfer, insurance set up, the shop to get brakes, steering pump and alignment done at the Lahrs, and officially buying the car and putting my name on the title.
Family Camp out next Thursday to Saturday.
Beach week next Saturday for a week.
Last week of summer means working for some extra money, packing, cleaning, planning cross country trip and spending time with my friends before leaving.

Gosh this August is going to go by so fast. I feel like I am already looking at the end of it, even though I still have three or four weeks to go. I am so excited for all of the things planned for this month. The camping trips, beach week, time with my best friends, getting my car set and then the road trip with my dad across the country. I have really loved being home the past few months. It feels like Mike and Misao were just here yesterday visiting me and we were traveling around New England. 

Time really does pass, and it really does heal.

I have a ways to go, but I am looking forward to a wonderful August filled with sunshine, memories, and adventures. 

but for now, I am thinking Sufjan and open windows to welcome the summer dusk while I putt around my room and tidy up a bit.


Nap Days

four or five years ago, a girl got up in church to speak and ended telling a story about how her best friend used to come over every sunday and they would have a nap day, where they would take naps in the afternoon and then have dinner before going their seperate ways for the night. Starting the day we heard that story, Juli and I started having nap days every sunday. 

Now that Juli and I are in the same state for the first time in over a year, we've resumed our nap days on Sunday afternoons. It's so comforting to have traditions with friends that never fade.

Kermit the frog puppets and brittney spears imitations; afternoon naps in the top bunk bed and KB being Robin Hoodie.

These are the days that never change, no matter how old we get or how much we grow.
What a blessing and a comfort.

I am content with today.