brief hiatus.

I haven't really written in a while.
and I'm going to work on that, once I kick this cold.



The Perks of Being a Wallflower

"Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."


Betty Crocker Moment

I saw this recipe on pintrest the other day and had to try it. So today, in about 20 minutes, I had the most delicious monkey bread muffins on the face of the planet. If you try to make this on your own, I suggest you use a whole teaspoon of butter on the top to make sure the top gets carmalized. UGH! SO YUMMY! Kristin and I have already downed the first tray.


Today, in Brit Lit

cheesy australian accent: "'And now the Cheetah eats the young deer.' And you're sitting there, thinking about the camera men who are filming this and you just want to scream: 'INTERVENE!'...Jerks..."

just a little catch up

1. I'm so busy. It's midterms and I finally got my new planner in the mail and I spent a good chunk of time outlining the next few weeks. I feel focused and determined and motivated. I want to do well this semester.

2. I went to Utah this last weekend to see Julianna and Jordan. It was fantastic. Juli and I ate cookie dough and watched arrested development. We went to a farmers market and tried bread samples from a guy who used to live in Boston. I finally bought my first pair of TOMS. We did homework together in a book binding studio. We saw 50/50 because it was our story of friendship and cancer. We cried through most of it together, and patted each others arms when things happened that happened to us. We ate Thai food and went on a mad hunt to find vampire teeth. We carved pumpkins with Jordan and hung out with Ian and talked about how excited we were for Brett to come home in two weeks. It was fantastic.

3. Once upon a time, I had these friends who used to sponsor dance parties every semester. Then they all kinda went their separate ways and didn't do anything for a while. Well, now they are gearing up to put on a huge Halloween party this coming weekend and they just bought a new fog machine for it. And, being boys, they came over to test it out in my apartment. Where the windows are sealed shut. And where the smoke detector goes off in the whole building....If you were by The Ivy at 11:00 on Thursday night and saw all 300 of it's Tenants standing outside of the building...yeah...that would be because of my friends. Thanks, boys.

4. I've gone almost five months without dying my hair. This is huge for me. And half of me wants to keep going, because it feels so healthy! But, the other half of me cringes at the roots that are coming in and at the big orange spots hiding behind my right ear from the blonde incident this summer. Every day, I lean towards dying it more and more. And I have this huge huge hugeeee craving to go red.

5. Sam and I have started this excellent tradition of watching The Sing Off together every Tuesday. We eat Pizza and Wheat Thins and Easy Cheese. It's yummy. I like her a lot; I'm really glad I've gotten to be such good friends with her this semester.


on pain

On a scale of 1-10, ten being the absolute worse agony ever experienced, I used to live at a constant seven. My knee was falling apart and I felt it everywhere. For the last five years, I learned how to live with that pain. I stopped talking about it. I stopped noticing it. When you live with that kind of pain 24/7, it becomes a part of you.

and then I had this miraculous surgery that fixed my knee. And after all the rough rehab; I'm pain free 95% of the time. It's been incredible and the quality of my life has improved so much that I can't even find words to describe the life that has been breathed into me.

But, that doesn't mean I'm normal again. I still have the smallest gait issues when walking and not thinking about my movements and my left hip has developed some severe arthritis from walking so poorly for so long. It's never been really unbearable-I lived at a constant seven, it was nothing new. But after working so hard to realign my body; it seems to have made things worse in the hip department. And the last few days have been back at that constant roar of seven, except it's in my hip. It's new territory. It's uncomfortable and it aches all of the time and sometimes I can't move because it is throbbing so badly.

But, such is life. I've got two legs. and at the end of the day, I'll take the pain, because it means I have two legs and I have a working knee and I'm alive. And that is more important then anything else.


Life last week.

1. Last weekend was my official 5 year remission anniversary. I hiked R Mountain with three of my favorite girls in celebration. It was really really really tough work and took a lot out of me and I thought about stopping and turning back multiple times. But then I reached the top. Tears just started streaming down my face; because I reached the top. I hiked a mountain and my knee didn't fail and I was alive.
I am a five year survivor. And my live is beautiful.

2. I already posted about shooting Elysha and Sebasthian last weekend; but what I didn't get to tell you was how they took me out for pizza after and came over Sunday so that Sebasthian could explain some of the photos Dustin sent to me a few weeks ago. That was really awesome. Have I expressed how grateful I am for them?

3. I have some pretty awesome friends who really love me. Like Ms. Symone; who left this really great surprise of all my favorite treats in my room on Tuesday to celebrate my five years of surviving.


A Message

Did my missionary send me a handful of red Maple leaves from New England so I could? Yep, he did.
A little piece of home from my best friend.


Today in Postmodern Lit...

"The ultimate thing you can do with your agency is to love someone enough to belong to them."
-Eric d'Evengee


hear you me

May Angels lead you in.

miss you more everyday, Maddie.
spread your wings and fly, butterfly.


Snapshots on Sunday

I had the incredible opportunity to photograph my friends Sebasthian and Elysha this weekend. Sebasthian was Dustin's trainer and companion for five months this summer and Elysha is his sweet girlfriend who kept me sane during the long period of time I wasn't allowed to write to Dusty by listening to me and being my friend. I'm so grateful for these two! And they are my heros for making it through two years of Sebasthian being a missionary!


my state is better then your state

If you really knew me,

you would know that I'm not out to destroy anyone or anything. You would know that I love my friends and family with all that I have and that I'm willing to sacrifice everything and anything asked of me to support them. If you really knew me, you would know that I tear up at allstate commercials and that I like to cook using a crock pot. And that when I go up the stairs, I cry because my knees work. And that I tend to see life better through a camera lens and that diagramming a sentence correctly makes me feel like I can succeed in life. You would know about the guilt I struggle with about surviving cancer and the insecurities I have about my scars and disfigurations. If you really knew me, you would know that when a good song comes on the radio, I roll my windows down and laugh because I remember that I'm alive. You would know that I bend, but rarely break and that I stand up and fight for what I believe in. If you really knew me, you would know that I believe in love and in miracles and in hope and in God. And that I have a testimony of the LDS church and in missionary work. You would know that I believe in forgiveness. If you really knew me, you would know that I'm not dumb and that I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. And that I'm an English major, and that I can read in between the lines. If you really knew me, you would know how much your disapproval and dislike tears me apart. You would know how many tears I have shed over feeling so misunderstood. You would know how many times I have fallen to my knees in prayer for comfort and guidance about what to do and how to act and what to say. You would know how genuinely hard I am trying to make things better and the dread I carry with me all of the time because they aren't.

If only you really knew me.


Right Next 2 U

I pray to God every day, to keep you forever. 


Meticulous Markings

The horizon reaches up to meet the sky
and for a moment, they are united.
they are one.

I'm okay on my own.

Mama Bear Part 2

This was waiting for me in my inbox when I got home tonight.

You are going to China, Belle!   This is your "mission"- 


So simple, so encouraging, and everything I needed to hear in that moment. Today has been interesting. I've been all over the place. It doesn't matter why and I'm not going to write about it because that wouldn't get me anywhere. But really. My mom is seriously the best. And no matter how rough my days are, or how discouraged I get or how hurt I feel sometimes, I know I can get through it because I have a mom who believes in me and who is willing to sacrifice anything to make my dreams come true. I never want to take her for granted.

I am from New Hampshire. And I'm gonna see it all.

starting with China.

mama bear

can i tell you about my mom?

she never lets me give up. she pushes me past what i think i'm capable of. she encourages me. she believes in me. and she does everything and anything to make my dreams come true.

and i hope i can be half the woman she is someday.


oh hey

even though my daddy was a grumpy pants tonight, I still got to hug him. And now I'm having a sleep over with my wittle sister. So happy!


Rain and Books

It's been rainy today and it smells like fall. I'm ordering my 2nd generation Kindle right now (I decided I didn't want to wait for the kindle touch to come out and that i didn't need to spend that much money on something just to have a touch screen) and I'm looking forward to when it comes. I want to curl up with a good book and a cup of herbal tea and read forever. I love being an English major. I love that I finally have figured out what I'm doing with my life.


Lesson Learned

Being productive is good for me.

Hello October

It's crazy to think about what was happening a year ago in my life, and where I am now. A year ago, I danced with Dustin for the first time around a bon fire surrounded by friends. And today, he's serving a mission and I'm planning for China, but he's still my very best friend. I love it. I've been nostalgic lately. I love Autumn and the way the air feels during this time of the year. It reminds me of apple picking and breezes and the sound of dry leaves in the wind. It's perfect.

current guilty pleasure: The Sing-Off
current color: Black
current playlist: BYU Vocal Point 
current read: The New York Trilogy
current drink: Water
current food: Sniders Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzels
current favorite show: Glee!
current wish list: Kindle from Amazon (I'm waiting for the Kindle Touch 3g to be released!)
current needs: Mail
current triumphs: Grilled Cheese!
current bane of my existence: Jenzabar Reports
current celebrity crush: Ryan Reynolds
current indulgence: Costa Vida
current blessing: General Conference
current outfit: Skinny jeans and a blue shirt..
current excitement: Dad and Ashley coming to visit this weekend! 
current mood: Sleepy.
current link: attack of the cute


star crossed lovers

But if destiny decided you should look the other way.
then the world would never know the greatest story ever told,
and did I tell you that I love you, tonight?


my rock and my stone.

I know I've written about these two before. But I feel the need to express, once again, how incredibly important they are to me.

Symone is my rock. She's been there for me through thick and thin for over three years now. She is patient with me and she grounds me when I'm losing my mind. She puts up with my ridiculousness and my difficulties. 

Jillise is my stone. She makes me laugh and she listens to me when I'm about to explode. She validates my feelings and lets me feel them. She calms me down and helps me to see when I'm being dumb. 

These two ladies have been in my life for over three years now and I would be so lost without them. They say that a place is only as good as the people in it are, and because these two have been my roommates, friends and sisters, Idaho is one of the best places I have ever been to. 

So grateful for the opportunity Symone and I had to go visit Jillise this weekend. We laughed a lot and stayed up late, talking about life. And we ate a lot. And I was happy.