this weekend.

yeah. i haven't written in forever.
i'm waiting to see what happens tonight.
depending on a certain promise will depend on what i have to say.

my weekend included the following:
guitars unplugged. vicki time. cleaning the room. studying all day. group meetings. history test (aced). Kaleb "Daddy and I are animals and animals pick their noses". Migrane. 13 hours of sleep to counter migrane. how the heck do you spell migrane? oh. migraine. oopps. church. reading a book for fun. three different dinners. Drugged up Kyle. Heart to hearts. laughing like my mom. talking to my mom. plans almost solid for spring semester. flight booked home for Juli's big day. Home made brownies. Photo shoot. lion hair. exploring more back roads in the Cazz machine. hoping that promises will be followed through with. waiting.

don't let me down.


So much needs to change.
There is so much that needs to change about me right now.
I can see it, I can feel it and I know it.
I'm slipping down a really steep slope and if I don't stop myself from going any further, there won't be any possible way of climbing back up.

So Chelsiebelle. You know what you gotta do.
Starting tomorrow, it's a brand new day.
do not worry about what others are doing, do not worry about the things that you can't control, because you can't control them. Don't let things get you down. Change will come and change will happen and it's all a part of life. I know that, and I've known it for a very long time. I can overcome anything if I set my mind to it.

Chelsie, you need to stop standing still.
Pick up your feet and move forward.
There are things you CAN control, so control them.
Wake up tomorrow and take care of yourself
Get through your day with your eyes forward and your mind focused.

there are people pulling for you always, so you gotta pull for them.

keep breathing. keep swimming.
you can do it.


don't let me down.
ever have those moments when you think everything is going to be okay?
ever have those moments when you realize that they aren't?


i haven't been in this much physical pain in two years.
i'm scared.

my life is a stick shift

A stick shift transmission has a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes things go smoothly and sometimes the ride is rough. Sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes you just have to ride it out and find the groove. Sometimes you have so much on your mind about all of the things you have to do and all of the coordination that you need to figure out that you can't figure out where to start. Sometimes you get tired. Sometimes you stall out. Sometimes you stall out multiple times. Sometimes you stall out multiple times at a traffic light and every one else is waiting for you to go and you just can't get the right balance between the gas and the clutch. Sometimes you forget what gear you are in and you can't figure out how to slow down. Sometimes you draw a complete blank about what the heck you are doing and you just want to get out of that stupid drivers seat.

But the thing about stick is that you can overcome the rough rides. You can find the groove of the gears. You can figure out that silly balance between the clutch and the gas. You can overcome those obstacles.

yeah. i just started learning how to drive a stick.
but that wasn't the real lesson I learned tonight.

I'm filled with hope.


Meet Mike

it started with a cup.
a regular-sized, plastic, blue kitchen cup.
and some nerf guns too.
a cup and a nerf gun.
that is how it all started.

It's known as the infamous cup war, all because I somehow ended up with that silly blue cup in my kitchen with the name "ivey" scrawled untidily on the bottom. That eventually lead to a ransom photo of my nerf gun placed against the cup while it was sitting on my living room floor.
and then it was war.
Misao and I didn't know when the attack was going to happen exactly, but we knew it was coming. We sat waiting with our nerf guns and water guns and balloons and waited in our separate apartments, our eyes constantly darting to the courtyard, on the look out for the assault that was about to descend upon the Perkins complex any moment. We were prepared.
but we were not prepared for triple agent Trish.
20 minutes later and a full out raging battle was going on in on the grass lawn between apartments 108 and 109. ten minutes later and I had my hands pinned behind me, a nerf gun in the small of my back and Mike's voice in my ear demanding the return of his cup or else.
one jammed finger, a coldstone run and a night at porter park and that was it.
that was the start.

six months later and I found myself curled up on the couch of Mike's basement in Nevada City California while a seemingly endless amount of tears poured down my face. The last of the California sunbeams were fading over the treetops of the pines in the backyard of the Ivey house and I remember tucking my feet underneath me with some difficulty as concerned blue eyes watched me quietly as my emotions filled to the very brim and overflowed.
My heart was breaking and he was watching the first cracks begin to appear.
Cautiously and calmly, he began to speak and with a few soothing words, he calmed my troubled heart and gave me hope and peace. His words have been etched into my soul since then.

"There is a plan, Chelsie. God knows what he is doing, trust him, and things will work out. I know this is hard. I know that this isn't what you came to California for. I know that you were not expecting to be sitting in my basement being upset right now. I know this wasn't your plan. But it was God's. And he knows what he is doing."

and with a reassuring hug (mike gives the best hugs) and a few minutes of understanding silence from a friend who knew the importance of just being there, I knew that he was right.

the following months brought continuous heartbreak for both of us, but at the end of the day, Mike was always around to keep me smiling, to keep me going, to encourage me when I was ready to give up and to remind me that there was a plan. He taught me every day that faith in that plan was essential to surviving tough stuff. He showed me that it was okay to experience emotions and it was okay to feel sad about things, but that it was necessary to keep the faith. Mike taught me how to let go of hurts, he taught me how to forgive and he taught me patience. He showed me that anything can be overcome as long as faith is kept and prayers are said.
Mike taught me the importance of keeping the little kid inside of me alive, no matter what was happening in my life or what things are dragging me down. But most importantly, Mike taught me what it was like to keep moving forward, even when everything seemed to be set against me.

Mike is currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints right now in Guatemala and is gone for two years, and although I miss his laugh and his hugs and his pep talks, I know that he's where he needs to be. He's following his plan. And he still finds ways to keep my spirits lifted and me motivated when I feel like I can't go any further.

Mike is a friend.
Mike is family.


i have an awful lot on my mind these days..

...and it's about time i let it out the way I used to do it. I don't expect you all to read what is to follow; but if you should for some reason decide to read it, please bare with me. There is just a lot going on.

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and you just know that your going to be in a bad mood, even though there is absolutely no reason for it? absolutely NO reason for it, and you know that and you are in a bad mood anyways and there being no reason for it makes you even angrier? Yeah. That is what happened this morning. I think the best way to describe it is that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Come to think of it, I went to bed on the wrong side too.

I just had an amazing weekend in Oregon. I saw my roommate, I went for a boat ride, I stood on Washington soil for the first time and I stood on the edge of the Pacific Ocean and I breathed. I put my feet in that water and I looked out to the horizon and I breathed. It is such an amazing feeling to stand on the edge of something so big and realize how small you are but how you count somewhere anyway.

But this weekend was also hard for me. I had the one year anniversary haunting of a friend's tragic and sudden death in the back of my mind, confusion about relationships and where I stand with people and some comments dragging me down even though they shouldn't have. I've been battling with my loyalty to different people and how that seems to conflict. I've been trying to figure out where the line is with how close I can allow myself to be with people who, because of new relationships in their lives, changes the relationship I have with them.

12 hour car ride, 2 puppies and five very grumpy people later, and tuesday was not a good day for me. not enough sleep, no clean laundry, feelings building up about weekend hurts, roommate drama, last minute homework, taking out frustrations and hurts on someone who I care about and who deserved much kinder treatment, finding out exciting news and then making an honest mistake that probably caused some tension in a relationship that I have constantly relied on, and ending my night with familiar faces but not the ones I have been used to this semester. So yeah. I went to bed on the wrong side last night.

And I woke up thinking: today is not going to be my best day. It was 6:30 and I had a paper to finish writing that I didn't have the motivation for. My room is a mess. School is overwhelming. All of the changes that are coming at me have hit me hard all at once and I really feel like I can't breathe. I just wanted to talk to my daddy because he is always so good at giving me tough love, but he wouldn't answer his phone all day. My phone was oddly silent this morning, typical texts were absent. The more I putted around my apartment, the more bitter I got. I kept on thinking about so many things and I couldn't calm down.

First of all. I am sucking at school. excusing me for using that word; but it's a true story. What the heck happened to the Chelsie who was so focused last semester? The girl who was all A's and B's and on top of every assignment and didn't miss a single class? What happened to her? I am so angry at myself for letting myself slack off, for losing all of that motivation and drive that kept me going last semester. I don't know where it went, and I hate that I can't find it.

I'm failing at my resolutions this year. Every one. I haven't tried to work on one single one for the last month and a half. That is so unlike me. ugh.

I'm stressed about money. I completely lost track of the date and my credit card bill was due yesterday. shoot. and now, I need to figure out how to pay to get my butt home to Boston for May 15th, get my butt to Seaside Oregon (clear across the country) for May 21st (a week later) and pay for all of the things that come along with being a bridesmaid and a best friend to another bride. (dress, presents, shower gifts) And I gotta keep Cazz in good shape. Oh, and I need to figure out what the heck I am doing for the summer, if I am going to go to school and work at the alumni office or try to do EFY or get something completely different. Ugh. I am not a fan.

I think I'm mostly scared though. I am scared of the changes that are coming at me. I've been hit with a whole bunch of new things that I can't really wrap my mind around. I'm in shock, I'm excited, I'm happy but I'm really just scared out of my mind. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm worried about how all these changes are going to affect me. My relationships with people are going to change and it is scary; more specifically because two of the most important people who I rely on the most are moving on with their lives. I know that I will still be important and in the picture, but things will change. I don't know what to do with that. I want the best for my friends and I guess when it comes down to that; I'm okay with these changes. I want my friends to be happy and I know that they are. I can see it when he smiles and I can hear it when she laughs and I can feel it when they are around those people who make them really and truly happy. and really, when it comes down to it, I am willing to let go of those people if they are happy. I have always been the kind of person who puts others' happiness before her own, especially her friends.

I don't really know what to do with these changes, I guess. I'm afraid to be left behind again. I'm afraid to watch everyone else's lives move along and feel like I am in a standstill. I think that is one of my biggest fears that I've never really realized before until now. I don't ever want to relive that time in my life again; the time when I disappeared for a while and when I came back, I had no clue where I fit in anymore because everyone else continued to move forward while I was stuck in the walls of a hospital room. The thought of being left behind again is actually the scariest thing I can think of right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to hinder my friends growth or learning experiences. I would never envy of them or deny them of the ability to move on with their lives. I'm just scared of being left behind.

I have a friend who is alway saying that he can only help so much because of my trust issues. He always makes it clear that he isn't blaming me for my trust issues; I was treated like crap by a lot of people and it has made it pretty much impossible for me to trust anyone. ever. But as I look back on those moments that I have done a pretty good job of blocking out, I realize that he's right. I was treated pretty poorly by some people and it's still affecting me in ways that I can barely comprehend.

I'm scared about the habits that I have been tempted to slip back into; habits that I once kicked for good, but are now whispering in the back of my mind and tempting me to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I can't go back there. I can't.

I'm scared about my body too. Holy large amounts of bruising that has never been a big problem before. I know that the hottub this weekend could have attributed to it, but I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's scaring me. And the pain in my left hip has me taking Aleeve on a 24/7 basis, which is not good for my already tired kidneys.

and mary. my sweet little Mary girl who is about to start another trial...a Dox. Trial. (aka the red devil). It isn't going to be easy.

And all of this is adding up, adding up, adding up, and my room is messy and my homework isn't done and I'm so tired and I am on the edge of a slight implosion and I feel like a hermit crab but I don't feel right about my usual solution to hermit crab days. I feel like I can't take up people's time anymore, that I need to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again because relationships change and I need to learn that I can't rely on them all of the time. I need to focus. I need to be better. I need to improve. I need to hope. I need to find the strength and move on. I need to keep my feelings to myself and be there for others and love unconditionally. I need to be careful about the emotional deposits that I am making, because I am already watching some of them walk away, even if it is unintentional. I am justa Chelsiebelle and while I know I am loved, I know that it is all I am: Just Chelsiebelle. and though I sometimes I love who I am, today is not one of my best days and I am not a fan of that.
But i recognize that I am human. This is me being human. I have a right to feel and I'm not going to apologize for that. I have a right to be human. I need to remember that.

but most of all. I need to remember what it felt like to be standing on the edge of that ocean.

Breathe, Chelsabelle.
your life is beautiful, no matter what happens.

meet juli part2

Julianna (to me) is: sunday afternoon naps and cold chinese food. NIGHT SWIMMING and fat man scoop. "Chelsie is that you sounding like a dog? You don't have a dog." Grey's Anatomy nights and Office. I'm going to smuffle you. Crack Snap went the little green canoe one day. blankets and whimpering. Awkward conversations at 2 in the AM that my father would walk in on. Level 50 text messages. Clothes-pin opera. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE CHOSE RAUL! Have some composture, where is your posure? Mr. Micdougals and Dr. Nigougals. Squeaky eye, popping hip and Juli the half mermaid. Water ballets and trash bag outfits for tie-dye. Kermit the frog and Brittany Spears imitations.
Juli is scarves and classic books. Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Jeep during the summer time. Cookie Dough and pies. A drawer in my dresser. Welcome to Chelsie's Closet, please come again.
Juli is a best friend.
Juli is a sister.


cazz machine

This is the Cazz Machine
2003 Hyundai Sonata.

and even though it's a car
I look at it more like a best friend,
because having it around is the most consistent thing in my life these days
and nothing makes me feel better than a car drive.
the Cassidy Remedy.

On the way home,
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
things are changing.
and I feel like I'm standing still while everything around me transforms.

I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm happy, I'm sad.

i love you no matter what, and you know that.
but that doesn't mean I'm okay with some of the things that were said and done.
my heart is sore.
and I need to take a step back and fade away.


Meet Juli

So, I was sitting here, thinking about how much I love the people in my life and how HUGE of an influence they have been on the person I am growing into. Without the people in my life, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. so. I'm going to start introducing you to the people in my life, just little snippets of them in my life; because without them, there is no Chelsie.

So. Without further ado. Meet Juli:

Juli moved into my ward when we were eight and from the first moment I met her, I was scared of her. She was a fiery and intimidating storm, very opinionated and strong spoken, especially for someone so young. At our first achievement day activity, I sat next to her, eager to make a new friend. She didn't hesitate to tell me that she hated New Hampshire, that she didn't want to make any friends here because she had plenty back in Mass, and that no matter what, she would never be happy as long as she was living in the Granite State. And so, after that day, I stayed away from the bitter girl who I thought I would never get along with, because I loved New Hampshire and couldn't see how anyone else couldn't.

Who would have thought that seven years later, I would be curled up on the couch in my living room, listening to my parents in the kitchen make various phone calls through their tears, feeling utterly alone and hopeless and defeated and scared, and not knowing what was in store for me. After hearing a knock on the front door, I answered it to find the now 16-year-old Juli standing on my front porch, looking just as scared as me. Somehow she had heard the news, had walked wordlessly out of her house, into her car and driven the half an hour drive to my own home and showed up on my front porch.

Without a word, she followed me back to the couch, curled up with me under the blanket and played with my hair as I finally let my tears out. There wasn’t anything said, no questions asked, or cries shushed. The wordless conversation that we had as we sat there, me crying and her hands in my hair spoke volumes, and was the most meaningful conversation I can ever remember having. We knew what was happening and what we were feeling and there was no need for anything to be said because we just knew.

And as my tears slowly subsided, it was then and there that she made the promise that would change our friendship for the rest of our lives.

"I promise you won't have to do this alone."

Two weeks to the date, two of the longest and hardest weeks I can ever remember having to endure, I sat in the cold metal chair of an almost empty hair salon, my vision blurred and senses dull from the high amounts of anti-nausea medicine that I was on. I was mentally prepared to have the massive knots in my hair re-dreaded, hoping with all of my heart that the ropes of knotted hair would stay for one more week before it finally started to fall out.

My hair dresser, a vivacious and bubbly 23-year-old named Bonnie was babbling on about her adorable two-year old as she picked up a random dread and began to roughly back-comb at the roots. I winced slightly, Bonnie’s hands showing no mercy as she wrenched the comb against my skull. I shifted in my seat, the smock uncomfortably tugging at my neck as I braced myself for what I thought would be an hour of hard core dread-locking. I froze as Bonnie’s constant flow of chatter suddenly stopped as she inhaled a sharp intake of breath and her hands stopped moving, and dropped to her sides. An unfamiliar coolness hit the very top of my head and I felt alarm flood my body.

“Um, I think that maybe we should stop the dreads…maybe give you a good wash and put some cornrows in?” Bonnie asked quietly from behind me, the slight quiver in her voice giving everything away. My hand immediately flew up to the top of my head, my fingers touching an unfamiliar patch of skin. Before I could let a tear fall or remember to breathe, Bonnie hurriedly continued on:

“I swear, we take out the dreads and give you a trim. The braids will cover it up. I got it covered.”

I looked into my mother’s eyes and saw the truth though. They were welled up with tears that only I could understand. This was real. The bald spot on my head was only going to get bigger, and soon, every hair was going to be gone, leaving me with the cold harsh slap in the face called reality. This was really happening. I was really sick.

“It is going to come off,” I managed to whisper. I was in shock. The tears refused to come; my body covered in a complete blanket of numbness. I knew it was happening, I knew that this was it, the confirmation of my world as I knew it ending and a new and absolutely terrifying world beginning.

Bonnie nodded silently, sitting down next to me and watching me cautiously.

“You can take your time love, just tell me when you are ready.”

I nodded quietly, not daring to say a word, knowing that the second I opened my mouth the numbness would disappear and every emotion would come spilling out.

“Are you hungry Belle? I can go get some chicken. You need to eat something anyways, you know Doctor J said that if you loose another pound he will have to put you on the feeding tube.” My mom asked softly, rummaging around in her purse, pulling out her lime green wallet and pulling out some bills.

“Sure Mom.” I managed to choke out, knowing that she needed something to do, something to make her feel like she was helping even though the situation at hand could receive no help.

Within a few moments, she was out of the door and down the strip mall, on her way to Cosmo’s to purchase a large order of my well-known comfort food of fried chicken.

Bonnie and I sat in silence; her not knowing what to say to comfort me and my still in shock. Finally, she broke the silence.

“Do you want to call someone?”

Within the instant of her words, I knew whom I wanted to talk to. I pulled out my phone and my fingers automatically hit speed dial three.


“Hey Jularoo.”

“Hey! What’s going on? How are you feeling?” She rushed. I hadn’t talked to her for a few days and her relief was almost tangible over the phone line.

“Um, well…” My words would come out, they were stuck in my throat, and I felt like choking. Saying those five small words felt like condemning myself, sentencing myself to a year or longer of imprisonment.

“Is everything okay?” She was concerned.

I took a deep breath, and finally uttered, “My hair is falling out.”

“Where are you?”

“Cutting concepts, Bonnie is on.”

“I’ll be there in twenty.”

As I closed my phone, I felt a bit relieved, knowing that Juli was coming to be with me during this hour of need. I gingerly put my hand to the top of my head, cringing at the contact of skin to skin. This was going to take some getting used too.

The bell over the door tinkled, singling the return of my mom followed by the aroma of fried chicken. My stomach turned a little. I knew I needed to eat, but I was still feeling the serious after effects of the chemotherapy. My mom slid in the chair next to me, taking the chicken out and giving me a piece. I gingerly nibbled on the corner of one, trying to focus on just the fried greasy goodness and not everything else that was going on.

The bell tinkled about fifteen minutes later, as Juli’s petite form entered the salon, followed by her mom. She walked quietly over to me, sitting down on my left, and grabbing a piece of chicken from my mom. We all sat there in silence for a few minutes, nothing but the sounds of chewing and the occasional sniff from my mom. My mind was running miles a minute though, trying to find the courage and the strength to do what needed to be done. It was just hair, and nothing else. I could live without it and it would grow back when I was done with treatment. I could wear wigs, I could hide it and no one would ever know. I could do this. I could survive this.

Before I could talk myself out of it, or let my fear overtake me again, I broke the silence.

“Okay Bonnie, let’s do it, and let’s do it fast.”

Bonnie got up and spun me around, grabbing the sheers and turning them on. I felt the tears begin to slide down my face as Bonnie tilted my head down, and pressed the clippers to the base of my neck.

“Let’s go shopping later.” Juli’s voice came as she crouched down and smiled slightly.

I couldn’t help but giggle. She was always thinking about shopping. “I do need new shoes.”

The clippers started moving up my head and I felt the cool air hit more of my skull. After five minutes, the hair that I had been growing out for three years was all gone, laying in a knotted and groady mess at the base of my chair. Bonnie removed the smock from my neck, and I got up slowly, my heart thudding as I slowly approached the mirror. I could barely recognize myself with the now smooth, shiny head and skinny frame. I looked almost alien. This was it. I was really a cancer patient.

I turned around to ask my mom for a hat, my head already freezing after being stripped of its thermal layer. I was met with a confusing scene.

“Juli, what are you doing?”

Juli was sitting in the chair I had just gotten out of, the smock already fastened around her neck. Both of our mothers had tears in their eyes and Bonnie was already silently crying.

“Do you really think I’m going to let you be the only bald one when we go shopping?” She asked, smiling slightly.

I stared at her in shock. There was no way anyone would do that for me, would sacrafice something that big for me.

“Juli, don’t be ridiculous. “

“I’m not being ridiculous. It’s just hair Chels, it will grow back.” She said, and turned to Bonnie. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

Bonnie picked up the clippers once again and I watched in absolute astonishment as Juli’s hair fell to the floor next to mine. Five short minutes later, I was looking at an equally bald girl. I wanted to cry and hug her and thank her all at once.

“Juli, you are crazy.”

“Shut up Chels, I told you. You aren’t going to do this alone. Now, let’s go shopping. I really want to get my ears pierced too.”

We both slid hats on our heads and walked out to the car. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel that horrible any more. My hair wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t the only bald girl anymore. I had someone to be bald with.

Losing my hair that day was probably one the most meaningful lessons I have ever been taught during my life. Watching Juli sacrifice her hair for me, being so selfless and caring and compassionate taught me that life isn’t about material things. Life is about the people you share it with, the journey you take and who you take along with you. Life is about letting your true self shine through, and I learned that I don’t need hair to be myself. Juli continues to teach me everyday about how to be a true friend through her compassion and her willingness to do whatever it takes to help others. Juli is not just my best friend; Juli is my sister.

there are a thousand things running through my head; a thousand memories, moments, thoughts, emotions. I'm discovering a lot, learning a lot and changing. Funny how fast things can change in a couple days.

but, i am going to breathe and be okay.

be on the look out for in depth writing soon.


justa chelsiebelle

People think that I worry too much and I care too much and I stress too much and I get emotional too easily and it can all be too much for everyone else to handle.
but that's who I am.
I am nothing special, nothing beautiful, nothing extraordinary.
I'm just Chelsiebelle, some sassy New Englander who tries her hardest to improve herself every day and who is learning and growing and constantly changing all of the time.
I have a long way to go. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish.
I am just Chelsiebelle.
but I'm okay with that.

watch out world. she's coming back.


a brief outline of the next 24 hours


still to come:
Work 1-5
study for history test 5-6
history test-6-6:30?
clean my room
English homework
American Government Studying
Greys 8-9
Guitars Unplugged Rehearsal 9-10...?
Locus Boys
wake up.
class class class

i can do this!


what do you say?

What do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there is solid ground below
or a hand to hold
or hell to pay

what do you say?

keepin me going

email in my inbox. words of comfort to keep me moving forward from my favorite missionary.

My Dearest Chelsie Elbow,
I hope all is well with you. I´m glad to hear that your dream gave you a little bit of comfort. I want you to know that you´re always in my prayers, and prayers are better than hugs! You´re doing what you need to be doing, as well. I know that, and you know that. Keep trucking along, and the Lord will bless you. He always does. I´ve seen some pretty amazing blessings down here in Guatemala, both given to me and to investigators and members. It´s amazing the things members tell twenty year old kids who have black name tags on. I´ve really gained a testimony of the mantle and responsibility that I have here as a missionary, but that doesn´t mean that i´ve forgotten you or that I´m not worried about you and your success. I love you so much and I´m so thankful for you and your support in the hardest time of my life. (you know what I´m talking about) haha... I hope that paper that you were writing got finished.
I love you!
Elder Ivey


"Vicki, your voice is like...Fergie and Jesus!"

hahahaha. I do love those Locus Boys

I'm going back

So the story goes:
I have this incredible friend who lives in Oregon
and although we've been friends for four semesters,
only recently have my eyes been opened to how blessed and lucky I am to have her in my life.
I've learned so much from her strength and from her view on life
and from all of the time we've spent together this semester.
I honestly don't think I would be okay if she wasn't around to keep me on two feet.
and she's taking me home to Oregon this weekend
and back to the ocean
and back to the fresh air
and back to the mountains
and back to the green trees
and bento, and zebra hot chocolate and long car rides
and away from my life for a few days
and I couldn't be more thankful or excited
or feel so blessed to have her in my life.

I love you long time, Ms. Moore.
don't ever forget how beautiful and how loved you are.
and if you do, don't worry...
I will always be here to remind you if you forget.

oh brother

i don't know what's going on. I don't know what happened. I don't know why we haven't talked in days. I don't know what i did wrong.
but know this:
you can push me away and you can choose not to let me help you, but I'm in this. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I am your sister and I love you.
so please, brother whom I adore. never forget that.

i see it now.

when you come back, love her like you used to
it's okay...and she deserves it.


I need to mail a ton of letters to Mike tomorrow, along with my tax forms to my parents. I need to do laundry. I need to clean my room. I need to call Juli. I need to study for tests and do my homework. I need to spend time being productive and not procrastinating. I need to continue to pray and try to find understanding and peace. I need to hope. I need to be open. I need to trust. I need to believe that things will be okay. I need to be a good friend. I need to be genuine. I need to be strong.
I need to work on so many things.
I feel like I've hit this standstill and I'm not okay with that.
I want to love who I am again.

weheartit is quite possibly my new favorite website to waste time on.



i will survive today

I was up until four thirty in the morning; not for lack of trying to sleep, but because my roommates chose the hours between midnight and four thirty to be particularly loud. My alarm went off at six thirty and I was awoken from a somewhat nice, but weird dream to the dreading thoughts of my english paper and everything else that awaits for me today. And as I sit here, trying to finish up a paper that I just can't seem to stretch to 1500 words, my head pounds because two hours of sleep was not enough and this huge knot of anxiety is sitting in my stomach and I want to be sick and I can't concentrate on this ridiculous paper and I just realized that I have to reformat the stupid thing because it needs to be in APA and not MLA. It's not even six forty five in the morning and I already feel like I am on the edge of some massive explosion.
I just want to curl up with someone I feel safe with and be told that everything will be okay, but that isn't always the answer to life. Sometimes I have to face what's coming head on and then find security after the worse is over.
and while all of this is going on; while I feel totally and completely overwhelmed, I look out my window and realize that I have watched the sun rise slowly and steadily while trying to write this ridiculous paper. The faint glowing on the horizon is enough to make me realize that my life is beautiful, no matter what it holds or what is instore.
I can survive today.

trust, Chelsie.
let it go and trust.


I am a Birch Tree and this is an Ice Storm

Ice storms are eerily beautiful.
Everything is covered in a thick layer of glass
and when the sun comes out,
the light reflects off of every inch of every surface
and it's blinding

But the thing about ice storms is that they are detrimental to trees.
The ice piles on so thick and so fast and gets so heavy that the branches snap.
Back East, ice storms are not rare.
And it always hurt my heart to see so many trees broken when the worst was over.

But I always admired those Birch trees.

the bitter cold descends
the water freezes
the ice thickens
and the birch tree bends
the tops touching the ground
but nothing breaks...

I feel like a birch tree.
I can take tons of ice, and I can let it pile up
and I can bend and bend and bend.

I am a birch tree.

but the thing is....

Even birch trees break.


fight it, Chelsie.
fight the doubt and insecurity.
don't take it hard. you understand.
you can't do it alone.
fight the urge to shut down.

a mess, it grows

tonight was the first time in a long time that I felt truly alive.
funny how making music, eating ice cream and being with a friend who you feel completely safe with can do that for you.

but now i'm alone with my life and that isn't going over so well with me...

a mess, it grows.


someone is cheering for me.

"Just know how much Maddie loved you from the minute she met you and her wish was always for you to be healthy and live a long, wonderful life. You will do great things in your life and always know Maddie is on your shoulder as you were on hers through her tough days."

I'm pushing forward for you, Maddie girl.

should I stay or should I go?

I am so close to giving in, to saying "Just go home, Chelsabelle."
but there is something in the back of my mind that won't let me give in just yet.
(along with my the encouragement and love from my friends)
I've come this far and fought so hard to be where I am right now.
If I let it go; if I give in...I know I won't bounce back.
and I know better then to let myself go there.

I don't ever want to go back there.


it's been so long since I had a dream like that.
i forgot how absolutely earth shattering they are to me and how badly they shake me up.
and now i have to figure out how to not let it get to me, because if i can't sleep, i will fall apart.

i used to run 24/7, barely rest, never sleep.
I can't do that anymore. it will destroy me.

BLAH! me and my dreams.

be okay

Tempos on Thursday: Details in the Fabric

I always hear a song and i think: "this song is my life!" and then whenever that song comes on I always say: "THIS IS MY SONG!" But I'm realizing that I have a MILLION songs that I say that too. so. either my life is very musical or I just need to calm down and say: this is my song for the week...
(I don't know what is going on with the random answering machine messages in the beginning and the end, and i think there are some bad words, so I am sorry about that.)
but, I love this songg!

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results
of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the
fabric (Hold your own,
know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results
of static cling? (Go your
own way)

Are the details in the
fabric (Hold your own,
know your name)
Are the things that make you
panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make
you blow (Hold your own,
know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's
just the fault (Go your
own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

i can see a lot of life in you

This is the weirdest music video I have ever seen, but I heard this song on Pandora today and of course I am a sucker for anything by Sufjan.

I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see a lot of bright in you.
And I think the dress looks nice on you.
I can see a lot of life in you.

I can see a bed and make it too.
I can see a fireside turn blue.
And I can see the lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

When the world looks back,
when the face looks after that,
I can see a lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.

I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see your bed and make it too.
And I think the dress looks nice on you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you.
I can see a lot of life in you.
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

be okay

I'm glad we're okay.

be okay


pep talk

i'm really trying to have complete faith and trust this time around.
but i have this gut feeling that things are changing again and I'm not sure how much more unstableness (is that even a word?) i can handle. deep breaths.

I should really just put my head down and study and focus on the things that should be the most important. reorganize your priorities, remember Chels? Keep breathing; remember that you are alive. Keep being; because someone somewhere will need you down the road; no matter what is going on right now or how out of place you feel. Keep believing, even if you aren't sure if there is anything to believe in. Try to believe in yourself; and one day you will get there. Know that things will work out; and that you will find peace somewhere, even if you feel troubled now.
Try to understand that this is part of the plan, that everything happens for a reason. Remember that your family is pulling for you; that your mom is working on figuring out all of your health stuff and that you daddy loves you, no matter how much he teases you or gets on your case. Remember your roommate in Washington and that you will always have a home and a place with her; even if she is far away for the moment. Remember your two best friends serving missions; write to them! When you are feeling down the most, know that writing it out will help and showing your love and support to your boys will uplift you as well as them. Remember that it is okay to be emotional, and that it's okay to cry; and it's okay to do it by yourself.
Be okay.
Be okay with your choices, be okay with the people who you have let in and the people you have watched walk away. Don't regret anything, Chelsie. Be okay with the person you are. Try to love yourself, because no one else can love you when you can't love yourself. It's okay to want to improve; but try not to beat yourself up too much, because you are currently killing yourself right now. Embrace your imperfections. Recognize that you are human and you have a right to feel.
take care of yourself.
you need to eat better and you know that you need to be cautious about the habits you are slipping back into. Eat your food, and eat the healthy stuff and eat more then once a day. Stay away from the candy stash at work. Sleep more. Get your homework done earlier and don't procrastinate so often. Walk more; even if it kills you at the end of the day. Who knows when that ability might be taken away. You already had that scare once; don't take your legs for granted again.
No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful.
Feel your lungs expand and wiggle your toes and keep your eyes open. Don't let those simple beautiful things pass you by. Go for drives, go to the river, watch the sunset, and love it all.
You don't need anyone else to do it; you can love life on your own and you know how to. You worked on that all last summer when you were alone all of the time. Be that girl who kept her chin up, who was happy and who was selfless and who never let anything get her down. Trust with caution, handle your heart with care, but don't be afraid to give and share what you know with those who need it. Don't let others be blind to the things you see.

Remember your Savior.
Chelsie, you gotta pray. You need to face your fears, because when it comes down to it, He is the only one who will not abandon you. you know that. You know that no matter how alone you might feel, he is always there. Lean on him. Because when things get so dark and things go so unsure and your hard moments turn into hard days and turn into hard weeks; He will be the light. When everything and everyone else disappears, He will guide you back.

Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. Deep Breath. Keep breathing, and remember that you are here for a reason and a purpose and you will understand in the end. Keep holding on, try not to give up.

This too shall pass.

don't forget

remember, Chelsabelle:

just one of those days

Wait right here
Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried him away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The timings stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I dont have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I cant take it anymore
Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

I can't stop
Seeing your face
I can't stop
Seeing your face

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it anymore
Cause I see now
It's just one of those days (yeah)

music making.


Elder Ivey

"The weirdest thing that I´ve had here is this nasty drink made from platanoes. They like boil the platano and I don´t even know what else they do to the poor junk, but it is so gross! But, I smile and drink it anyway! haha. No, I haven´t had any pig skin soup or cow tongue, but I´m still inside the capital, where things are pretty normal, still. Maybe I´ll have more food stories when I leave the capital, and go into jungle Guatemala with my machete and my Book of Mormon! I can´t WAIT!!! haha!"

Elder Ivey, I miss you so much!
I love that you can brighten my day even when you are so far away.
I was thinking last night that i could really use an MK pep talk, because things have been so hard lately and really difficult and confusing and I've been feeling "holey" and scared. You always had the right thing to say even if I didn't want to hear it. I am trying hard to imagine what you would tell me now and i can almost hear you say something along the lines of: "well that's retarded. you deserve better then that." Even though you are in Central America, I love that I can still count on you to give me something to hold on to; whether it is some silly little story like the one above or some deep spiritual reference, like my letter last month.

I love you, Mike. Stay safe.

let it be

only you can do this.

Chelsie Caroline Whitney:

this is YOUR life. YOUR choices. it's up to you and NO ONE else.

be calm, be brave, be strong. believe. it'll be okay.