Raymond Carver

"In addition to being in love, we like each other and enjoy one another's company. He's easy to be with."

what it was like for me

That is what he asked me today, and I spit out a couple of words that probably didn't make any coherent sense because I was caught off guard. He seemed to accept it and our conversation turned to the next topic easily, but I couldn't get that question out of my head.

What was it like for me?

I was standing there, in front of hundreds of people and I wasn't aware of any single one of them. I was only conscious of him, down on one knee, asking me to marry him. I think he said my full name, but all of the details are blurred. This one moment; this one instance of impact that I had been day dreaming about for a long time was finally happening and in the most cliché way, time froze and alls I could think of was "yes."

Loving him has always been easy. Being his friend has always been effortless. There was never a question that I would wait for him. But the thought of spending forever with him had always been off in the distance; something that I never thought I'd finally make it to see. So what was it like for me, when he was down on one knee, finally asking me to marry him?

It was a fairy tale story that I could never imagine; that moment when everything I already knew became sure. It was a moment where everything was the same, and yet, everything had changed. And it was the realization that he really and truly is my other half; my better half and the love of my life. And that hole that was in my being for the last two years was completely filled up with his love and his kindness and his smirk and his laugh and the way he puts up with the way I tuck my thumb in between our hands.

I get to marry my best friend; and my life couldn't be more beautiful. And at the end of the day, when I'm sore and tired and overwhelmed with school and work, that is the thought I fall asleep too. And let me tell you; it puts everything into perspective, because none of those little things matter when I think about forever by his side.

He makes me so happy. And I am the luckiest.

California

60 degrees and the California sunshine soaking into my skin.

There is a blue bow on my head and curls in my hair,

and she leans into me and whispers under the hymns

"you kinda match him."

I smile, because we do and we know it.

We walk hand in hand along the front porch,

and they all smile because he's back, he's home.

And the California sunshine is soaking into my skin and I realize,

I'm home, too. 

A Moment

I didn't even have to think twice. He was there and he was wearing that blue tie and there was a bow in my hair and the moment I had dreamed about for the last two years was finally happening and I was running and leaping and I forgot where I was and who was around me because the only thing I was aware of was him. He was real. And he was exactly as I remembered him down to the way his hands felt on my face and his chest rose when he breathed. And there was a moment that happened. And it was like we had never been apart.

And I knew that I loved him.

Fall in love

with the world.

After quitting his job, photographer and artist Kien Lam took a trip around the world. Over the course of a year, he visited 17 countries and took 6,237 photographs. Wanting to share his epic journey with others, Lam put his photos together to create a kind of time-lapse video. In a little less than five minutes, viewers are treated to beautiful shots of the U.S., England, France, Portugal, Spain, Morocco, Egypt, Turkey, Jordan, Thailand, Indonesia, Japan, Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Bolivia, and Peru.

Today in Postmodern Lit...

"The ultimate thing you can do with your agency is to love someone enough to belong to them."

-Eric d'Evengee

star crossed lovers

But if destiny decided you should look the other way.

then the world would never know the greatest story ever told,

and did I tell you that I love you, tonight?

my rock and my stone.

I know I've written about these two before. But I feel the need to express, once again, how incredibly important they are to me.

Symone is my rock. She's been there for me through thick and thin for over three years now. She is patient with me and she grounds me when I'm losing my mind. She puts up with my ridiculousness and my difficulties. 

Jillise is my stone. She makes me laugh and she listens to me when I'm about to explode. She validates my feelings and lets me feel them. She calms me down and helps me to see when I'm being dumb. 

These two ladies have been in my life for over three years now and I would be so lost without them. They say that a place is only as good as the people in it are, and because these two have been my roommates, friends and sisters, Idaho is one of the best places I have ever been to. 

So grateful for the opportunity Symone and I had to go visit Jillise this weekend. We laughed a lot and stayed up late, talking about life. And we ate a lot. And I was happy.

How to Tell if Somebody Loves You

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a crap about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bull. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out or to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don't mind the quiet. They don't mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There's no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don't feel comfortable just watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won't be a void. That's not love. That's "hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!" It's a dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you're skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it's always comfortable. That is love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn't benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they don't care about your job or how much money you make. It's a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. Somebody loves you if they'll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they're able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.

Somebody will always love you. If you don't think this is true, then you're not paying close enough attention.

-Ryan O'Connell

This may possibly the best description of love I have ever read. Had to share.

my mama bear

I remember the day we fought over eye-liner. 

I was a freshman from a small town in a huge high school, trying to blend in. My eyebrows were bushy, I hid behind giant hoodies and I just wanted to wear eye-liner, because not wearing it made me stick out like a sore thumb. And you refused, point blank, to let me wear eye-liner until I turned sixteen. I can't remember being more mad at you, or hating anyone else in the world then I thought I hated you at that moment. I was convinced you didn't understand, that you were out to ruin my life and that you couldn't possibly love me.

A year and half later, you stood by me in the hair-dye isle of wal-mart as we decided together that my hair should go out in a fire-engine red. You stayed up late with me that night and helped me color my hair so I could go to my last day of school for the rest of the year, determined to fight. You stood by my chair in the hair dressers three weeks later while my vivacious hair-dresser shaved off the dreds you had paid 80 dollars to put in. And then you took my best friend and I shoe shopping, and told me it was okay to rock my hat, because my head really was beautiful.

That year still is so foggy in my mind. I have snippits of being so sick that I could barely function, to watching scary movies while hyped up on anti-nasuea meds, to sitting in the waiting room for long periods of time while we waited to hear if the hospital had room for my treatment. I remember breaking down when I couldn't make it to my last band concert of the year; and when I was so lonely and felt so forgotten by everyone else in the world on day 12 of one of the hospital stays. I remember when I found out that Emily passed away and I had slept through it all, but you were awake and listened to the noises in the hallway of our floor. I remember the mouth sores and the four months of being pushed in a wheel chair and the 3rd degree sunburn that I got from band camp. But the thing I remember the most is you, always being there. You never left my side. You sacrificed so much in order to spend every night sleeping by my hospital bed in that horrid chair; you would wait outside the door to get my food, because the sight of the hospital plates made me sick and you would walk to the food court three times a day to get me those italian subs that I randomly craved during a methotrexate infusion. And through the very worst times; you told me to pull up my bootstraps and kept me going. When I was falling apart, I knew I could lean on you. Giving up was never an option because you were my mom. 

And now, I'm making my dreams come true and you stand behind me while I work on them. I'm still fighting to overcome everything placed in my way, and at the end of the day, I can still lean on you because you are my Mom and you have never let me down. You've taught me to stand strong against all opposition, and how to appreciate everything and everyone around me. You've taught me how to 'pull-up my bootstraps' and face each coming challenge with courage and determination. You've taught me how to be silly and how it's okay to be myself. I want to be like you when I grow up; and even if I can be half of the woman you are, I'll be lucky. 

I'm glad we don't fight over eye-liner anymore, and that we spend out time trying to learn French together and laughing at how pathetic we are at it. I don't hate you, Mom. You're my best friend. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me.

I love you, Mom.

Happy Mummy's Day.

i am loved

Remember The Bow, and I'll be there

we won't say our goodbyes, we know it's better that way.

There isn't much for me to say that you don't already know.

thank you for everything.

 and for showing me what unconditional, selfless, true and pure love really is.

remember that i believe in you

and remember the bow.

you have always been, and always will be the only exception.

and i believe it. 

i will miss you something fierce,

but i know that through a telescope lens,

and when all you want is friends,

that i'll see you soon.

a house is not a home.

i can drive my favorite windy roads
and sing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs.
i can be in New England and be cuddled with my kitty
and sit in my favorite chair by the wood stove
and watch the weather channel.
i can spend hours with old friends
and i can spend hours on my own.
I can talk with my sisters and go run errands with my mom,
and sure, that is the best part about being back East.

but it doesn't matter how busy or happy i seem to be.
i'm constantly feeling empty, a half, incomplete.
a dull ache in my chest that never goes away,
although it hurts more some times than others.

I may be back in new england,
but for the first time, i'm not really home.

times two.

a snapshot.

I can see the day he wrote his name on my feet in hi-liter after we sat doing homework together for a few hours. He made me a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and as I sat on his kitchen table with my back pressed against the wall, he pointed them out to Jake. He didn’t get it right away, but it didn’t matter. His name was on my foot, and my heart and I knew that night that even though it would wash off soon, he had a piece of me. He was a piece of me.

just yours.

This bow, like my heart, belongs just to you.

<3

the only love worthy of a name is unconditional

wake up with a start. the rain beats on the window and the wind rattles the blinds through the crack in the glass. it's still dark as my eyes adjust to the lack of light. hours have passed by, but not quite enough and my soul is restless. I wiggle into my blankets, trying to capture the warmth of my body in between the sheets. I can hear the cold and I reach out to find the last of the lingering summer warmth is now just a memory; a mere moment in the grand scheme of time.
and i realize with a sudden, sharp in-take of breath that stabs my lungs like a cold icicle...
it's passing by too quickly now. the days are long and perfect, and every moment is appreciated and lived for, but the weeks are too short. and i can taste the coming change on the fresh and raw winter wind that rumbles around the building. contentment has been hard to obtain and now a constant pulse of over thinking and getting ahead is dragging the simplicity of serene existence into a whirlwind of complicated and entangled moments, all wrapped into one idea that I can't seem to escape.

unconditional love. true, real unconditional love.
it's a consuming idea. it's more powerful then anything; stronger than the slicing wind that warps my body as i slop through the slush; letting winter seep through my shoes. The only thought in the front of my mind is to make things better, to figure out a way to improve the situation. it devoured my insides so harshly that it frightened me. I've never wanted or yearned for something more than to simply be next to him; to put my hand on his face and say: "what can i do to make this better?"

and now, as we sit with our fingers on our keyboards and a beautiful evening spent together, learning and exploring and growing and progressing, I can't help but realize how deep I'm in this and how scared I am to lose this comfort and security. I've never felt as complete as I do right now, sitting next to his warmth and feeling his breath become even with mine. All's I can think of is how I live for the moments when a funny memory hits him and he wiggles with excitement as he sets down his things so he can share with me. He tilts his head back and laughs as he replays it in his head before he can even get a word out and I think how I want him to be laughing forever. His happiness has become one of the most important things to me; and I realize, with a sudden surety that this is what unconditional means.

It is sacrifice. It is letting him go in two months and knowing that what he is going to be doing will bring him happiness. It is support. It is striving in every way, shape and form to stand by him, to let him know that he isn't alone. It isn't about me. It isn't about feeling incomplete or my fears about losing this security.  It's him. It's all about him. And by realizing how real everything is, how concrete his hand is in my own, I hold on to the hope that it will be okay.

after all groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.

blue bow day

hi my name is chelsie and i love you.

The way you make me feel is like...

Smelling fresh cut grass or being in the back of a jeep under the stars. Or returning home from a long trip or just driving with no destination during late summer evenings. It's like the feeling you get when you get an 'A' on your paper and your parents tell you how proud they are. Or when you hear your family laugh together or the whooshing of a tunnel when you drive with the windows down. It's like when you're outside on a hot summer day and your skin is pulsing with warmth and you have a cold glass of ice water. Or when you talk to an old friend after a month or two, yet the two of you are still as close as ever.

It's like the feeling you get when you hear your favorite song on the radio for the first time in a while, and you turn it up and feel so alive. When you get a letter in the mail from someone who is far away but it still thinking of you. Or lying in bed watching a snow storm, knowing you don't have to get up for hours and get to just lay in the warmth of your comforters for a long time. It's the way your stomach flip flops during a true kiss, or how your body feels when you take off in an airplane. Or when you drive around in the front seat of the car that belongs to the boy you like and even though you should feel scared beyond control because he's driving so fast, you feel so safe and alive. Yeah, that feeling.

the way you make me feel, feels good to me. 

let it go

But i'm letting it go. Someone else loves you and needs you far more then I did. She's inspiring and beautiful and loved you first and deserves to be loved with your all. Who am I to stand in the way of that? And someone else will love and need me far more then you ever did. Someone will stand by me the whole time and not leave. I am deserving of that devotion. And I'm learning that every day.

thank you for teaching me those things and for the lessons I am still learning. I have come so far from the person I was a year ago. Because of the things that happened and the events that have taken place, I have had the opportunity to grown and learn. And I have some amazing people in my life right now who have taken that girl and her pieces and have helped stitch her back up and put her together and fix what you broke. And they have taught me how to fix myself too. All lessons and moments that I wouldn't trade for the world because I'm better for them.