Structure Sunday: The First Week of June

I have to go to the dentist on Tuesday and I can not forget this time. 
I need to find the third Harry Potter book, because I know we own it and I don't want to buy a copy and then find ours a day later.
I am going to take a drive back to the beach house sometime this week to get my camera and soak up some sun. I'm going to try to go by myself, because I really need to face some things that I've been keeping away with company. 
Once I face these things, I need to write it out, because that is just how I work and I know that I will feel better once I write it out.

I really wish I could be confident in who I am. I know I've gotten a lot better at it but, sometimes I feel like I just can't shine through. I want people to look at me and just know that I'm genuine and that I am me. There are some people in my life who are just so totally themselves. They don't let anything stop them from being who they are. I love that and I aspire to be like that. I just don't know where to start.

I don't know how to put myself back together either, and I think that is why I feel so stuck.

I just don't understand, and I don't know what to do with myself. 


Tempos on Thursday: Happy Ending

Mika: Happy Ending
This is my life.

Mika Version:

BYU Noteworthy Acapella Version:

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I waste everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together. 


Thoughts on Tuesday: Breathing

I've got to breathe
You can't take that from me
Cause it's all that you left that's mine
You had to leave
And that's all I can see
But you told me your love was blind

There was a day
You threw our love away
Then you passed it to someone new
You wanna stay
But since you wanna play
We can finally say we're through

As I lay in solitude
Oh What's a girl supposed to do
I Shake the very thought of you
Me together, I remember
Late nights when I stayed up late
All I do is wait and wait
Your never coming home to me
That's the hardest thing to see

I'll leave when the wind blows
Take a breath and there it goes
I'll be outside of your window
I'll pass by but I'll go slow
I'll leave when the wind blows

You can scream there's just echoes
Pass outside of your window
You'll be sad that you let me go
On every face you'll ever know
And everywhere you ever go
You'll feel when the wind blows

I am breathing. I will continue to breathe. 
I've put everything that held any kind of meaning away. It's all boxed up and stored so I don't have to look at it anymore. Feelings on the other hand, will take some time to remove. I knew that boys hurt, but I never thought the same kind of hurt could come from my best friend. Well. I guess that term doesn't apply anymore. 
My walls are going back up, my trust in everyone is more fragile and I will be more cautious then ever when it comes to love.
And I'm done looking for it. Not that I was looking for it in the first place, but when it is ready to come along, it will come.
I am going to focus on myself this summer. It's time to really focus on my goals and dreams and work on them and achieve them. I'm not going to talk myself out of things. When there is something that I want to do, I'm going to do it, even if I have second thoughts or I get scared. I am going to expand my horizon and try things this summer. And I'm going to go places. Even if it is on my own. I'm going to go places and see them and do things. And hopefully while I do that, I can put myself back together, because let me tell you, I'm in pieces. 
I need to work on forgiving and letting go and holding myself together. I need to work on my relationship with God. I need to put my trust in him and believe that he knows what he is doing. These trials are for my good.
I'm more excited then ever to get back to school and work on my education. I feel focused. 
Maybe, one day in the future, my friendship will be patched up and things will be better. I hope that there will be a lot of growing and maturing in the next two years, so when that day comes, I will be ready. 
I am thankful for the last words that I was left with. Even though I am hurt and I have been falling apart here and there, I will always remember what was said and keep it with me for the next two years. I believe that my best friend came back in those few minutes when he said:

"I believe in you. You can do anything you put your mind to. You are a wonderful person. Stay around people who respect you and who love you. Don't believe in limitations. Be Safe."

The world is my playground and it can be mine. I can do whatever I want with my life and I want to do great things. Not only do people believe in me, but I finally believe in myself.

This is it. 
I will begin to put myself back together and I will move forward. What is in the past is in the past. I've loved. I've Lost. I've Learned. I am thankful for the things that I have learned and the things that have been taught and the time that was spent. No regrets and I do not have any, and I want to continue to live that way.

These are my thoughts.
This is my prayer.


Sending Saturday: tomorrow

You leave tomorrow.
please remember to say goodbye to me.


Words on Wednesday and Tempos of Thursday

two birds in one stone, yes?

I wonder if humans shed around this time of the season because of the season. I have noticed that I'm losing a lot more hair lately and I would like to think it's because I am shedding my winter coat, like my kitties. It is getting warmer here and the cats have been shedding like crazy. Maybe I am shedding my winter coat too and I will soon be ready to move on from this last season and into the coming one. 
or maybe I'm just losing hair because I've dyed it too much.

Tonight I went to the Pinkerton Academy's band concert. It was amazing. Words fail me to describe how beautiful they sounded tonight. The concert band was so balanced and full sounding and they took up the whole stage! And the Wind Ensemble was phenomenal. I have a few videos that I took of them but they really don't do anyone justice.
I am not lying when I say that the one thing I miss about high school is Mr. Adams (the band instructor) and playing for him in concert and in wind. My heart hurt a little today when I realized that I am no longer a member of his band and now just an audience member. I wanted so badly to be up on that stage making music and taking part in one of the best concerts that he has put on since he came to Pinkerton. But I am glad to have witnessed it anyways and I am thankful for the love and passion for music and music making that he has instilled and planted in me. Mr. Adams is why I want to be a teacher. He's just one of those people who inspires. 

anyways. If you have a moment, listen to the concert band and Wind. 

Concert Band playing Flight of the Falcon, directed by Ms. Sandra Clark. 

Wind Ensemble playing the end of Vesuvius, directed by Mr. Mike Adams.


Thoughts on Tuesday: sleepy rambles

I am so sleepy and I am looking forward to crashing in about 5.6 minutes. 
But I would like to say that I really enjoy dunkin donuts strawberry coolatas and i am glad i finally drank one today after the many weeks of me being home. I do miss Jamba though, but according to the Jamba locator there is one in close to Boston Childrens, so when I am down there in June, I will take my mom on a wild quest through the city to find it and drink a strawberries wild. Also. My uncle planted a strawberry patch in our yard yesterday. I guess I am a Strawberry kind of girl. 
I can not wait for Transformers to come out. I spent some of my car drive to jords house today imagining what my car would look like if he transformed. I created a very epic dude robot thing...
I really want a new guitar. A cut away acoustic with an amp plug in. Black is preferable and no, I am not racist. 
But my car coming to school is more important right now so that might have to wait.
I am baby sitting the children from hades on Thursday and I am also going to the dentist...which I hate doing. So Thursday will not be good.
I hope Adam wins American Idol.
There is another show that is ending this week and I can not remember what it is.
On the plus side, Secret life starts up soon.
I got another new bathing suit today and it's plaid. and black and yellow. Like a bumble bee but not really. it has white too. but the most important thing is that it is plaid and it makes me look skinny. Winner.
I love my roommates and I miss them. I have to put in a deposit for the pines tomorrow. I can not forget.
I also need to make sure my mom faxed that form...
housing office has not emailed me back and i am scared to call them.
I've been reading a lot! Yes! And I found out today that Jillise is reading the same book I am and we didn't even play it.
I have a weird combination of sungs stuck in my head: I'm yours, Halo, The General, Oasis, and Almost. I guess a lot of those were songs Jord played on the guitar today.
I hope my kids are cute.
I just found my strawberry chapstick. Yes.
Dane Cook. Winner.
I miss Mike and Misao and mcdonalds runs like none other.
I am probably going to have nightmares about strangled dead cats after the story jord's dad told me today. great.
I'm so tired.


Memories on Mondays: summer plans

Wordle: Summer Plans

I've been thinking about a lot of memories from summer's past and I listed everything that I want to experience again this summer.

wordle.net is really cool.


Structure Sunday: The Third Week of May

Things I want to accomplish this week:
1. Spend time with the following people: Amy, Jess, Allie, Gage, Nick, Brett and Jordan
2. Be out of bed by eleven in the morning, but shoot for ten.
3. Send packages out to Misao and Vicki
4. Call Jillise and Vicki during the week and catch up with them
5. Prepare for the goodbye that is coming at the end of this week
7. Read.

Things planed for this week:
1. Doctors on Monday
2. Amy on Wednesday
3. Concert band/wind ensemble concert on Wednesday night
4. Hanging out with Jordan
5. Ian and Hedi's wedding and reception on Saturday
6. Beach maybe?
7. Baby-sitting the children from Hades on thursday

Things I do not want to do this week:
1. Do not snack so much during the day
2. Do not spend money on anything else but gas
3. Do not stay at home all day without getting out at least once
4. Do not dwell on certain things.
5. Do not spend unhealthy amounts of time on facebook.
6. Do not stay up past midnight.

Happy Birthday today Zandra!


Sending Saturday: Postponed

I am officially postponing sending saturdays until further notice.
or. I'm going to find new missionaries to write about. 
Because right now, I feel very much forgotten and left out in the lives of my two almost missionary friends. I guess I should try to be understanding. With such a big and daunting task ahead of them and a lot of things to make sure are in place for when they leave, I should not expect to hear from them for long periods of time. But still....
I'm trying hard not to be bitter, so I'm just going to leave it at that.


Freedom Friday: Did you say it?

Grey's Anatomy gets me every time:

"Did you say it?...
                        .....'I Love You....
....I don't ever want to live without you....
....You've changed my life...'
Did you say it?
Make a plan.
Set a goal.
Work toward it, but every now and then,
Look around.
Drink it in.

'Cause this is it...
It might all be gone tomorrow...."

One of the greatest lessons I have learned from being sick was to tell the people I love that I love them. There have been many instances when I didn't take the chance to say that, thinking that I would always have the opportunity to say that to someone and then waking up one day with that opportunity gone and the words unspoken. 
Those have been some of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life and I have vowed to myself to always be telling the people I love that I love them, no matter what is happening in my own life. And I have found that taking a step back and looking at the people in my life really makes me feel so humbled and blessed to have those people around. 

Did you say it? 
I love you.
Because it's true...
Things change and sometimes, it really will be all gone tomorrow. 


Tempos on Thursday: Throw Me A Rope

Throw Me A Rope
KT Tunstall

I've been getting tired of my ipod lately. Every thing it plays either just so old to my ears or brings back memories that I'm just not capable of dealing with right now. (cough...outofmyleauge...cough). I recently discovered the Pandora Radio Application for my iPod touch and made a Jaymay station today while I was taking a shower. This song came on and I was just hit so hard at how beautiful it was and how even Pandora seems to know me so well. This song is another perfect depiction of what I've been feeling. Perfect.

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone


Words on Wednesday

I wonder who came up with the concept of fingernail polish and where the heck the idea came from in the first place.

this being said, I need to re-paint my nails. badly.


Thoughts on Tuesday: Insane

I had a very busy weekend, full of places to go and people to see and things to do. I don't think I had more then an hour of down time all day Friday. It was so nice to wake up in the morning and know that my day was going to be constantly moving forward. I love ending my day exhausted and feeling accomplished. 
My week so far has been boring and I've really done nothing. I did laundry today. I played the guitar until my fingers were killing me. Then I moved to the piano until I had played so long I was getting worse instead of improving. I wasted away in front of the TV. Then, I cleaned my room, pulled out all of my furniture and moved it all around, so I felt like I did something and so I had something to do.
I'm trying to keep my mind busy, but there is only so much I can do right now. 
It's just very lonely a lot of the time.

But. I'm going to spend time with big brother this week, who is also going insane. Might as well go insane together, right? right.


Structure Sunday: The Second Week of May

A recap of last weeks goals:
1. Out of bed before eleven every morning. CHECK
2. Call my doctors in Boston and finalize my appointments for my Ortho, Oncologist and x-rays. CHECK
3. Call my Primary Physician and schedule for a physical. CHECK
4. Scholarships CHECK
5. Finish Sub application
6. Get to Lavander Town in my Pokemon Yellow game by the end of this week. 
7. make it to Seminary game morning on Friday CHECK
8. go to Concert Band and Wind Ensemble sometime this week. Maybe Friday? CHECK
9. Call Red Cross and Schedule for CPR recertification. CHECK
10. Plan sunday school lesson for the 4-year old class that I am subbing for next week.CHECK

I am really happy that I have squared away all of my medical appointments. It's looking like I will be in Boston in mid-june for all of my tests. Chest CT scan, Heart echo, leg and hip x-rays, blood work, Dr. Labelle, Dr. Grier, Dr. Anderson and Bob. I have a physical this week as well. I'm really tired of doctors, but I really love my team down in Boston and I miss them, so I'm looking forward to seeing them next month. I just hope it will be a visit full of happiness instead of tears and bad news.

The Second week of May...at least, I think that is what week we are heading into, looks pretty...blah. I really want a second job. I need to be making money and I really need something to do on top of that. It looks like I will be hanging around with Mom, hoping that I don't miss Julianna's next phone call, going out with a few friends, jamming with Jordan on the guitar, and doing kid pick-up duty whenever mom needs it. 

I do plan on reading a lot this week. The weather is looking like it will be beautiful. High 60's, Low 70's all week, with sunshine and breezes. Nothing better then that.

Just trying to keep myself busy, my spirits up and my soul occupied with the company I have here. It's working most of the time.

Thoughts and Prayers.


Sending Saturday: Continental Collections


Check it. Follow it. Read it. 

also. Hannah Montana movie. Much better then I thought it was going to be. Still cheesy, unrealistic Disney ending. And as much I felt that it was ridiculous, it's good to know that some things in life stay the same.

And I am aware this has nothing to do with missionaries.
oh well.

thoughts and prayers.


Freedom Friday: Continental Collections

remember how I mentioned how I was feeling the pull to write more? The thought of starting up another blog, but having more then me just write.
It's pretty much happening.

I've talked to some of my friends and fellow bloggers and I think we've come up with something that will work nicely. 

remember my love for Perks of Being a Wallflower? It's inspired by that book.

we just really started it, and it's still in the construction bits, but I will be putting the link out soon. I hope you check it out!

These are my thoughts.
This is my prayer.


Tempos on Thursday: Ice Is Getting Thinner

Okay, first of all. Why did I name Thursday "Tempos on Thursday?" when "Tunes on Thursday" makes more sense and doesn't sound so weird? I had this realization today, and I felt so stupid. But life goes on. 
Second: Death Cab for Cutie has been one of my favorite bands for a few years now. They have always gotten me through everything that has  been thrown in my way and I am positive that they will continue to do so. I haven't really listened to them in a long while, and I put my ipod on shuffle the other day and this song came on. I thought two things:
1. Sometimes, I feel like Death Cab had written their songs just for me.
2. My ipod knows me so well.

So. Here is my Song of today/this week. 

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We bury our love in the wintery grave
A lump in the snow was all that remained.
But we stayed by its side as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak.

And when spring arrived
We were taken by surprise when the floes under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me.

We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.

I've been feeling the pull to write a lot more lately. I've kind of been toying with the idea of starting another blog, but having more then me contribute? As in, other writers. But, I don't know what exactly would be written and I don''t know who else would write. I don't know. Just sayin'. Any thoughts?

anyways. These are the thoughts and tempos? (seriously, Chels, what the heck? tempos?) of today.
Enjoy your Thursday! I plan on enjoying mine! (GREYS ANATOMY & THE OFFICE!)

These are my thoughts.
This is my prayer.


Words on Wednesday

1. Today, I realized that the "dead Denny" that came back for a few episodes earlier this season in Grey's Anatomy was not meant to be a ghost. It was a hallucination caused by Izzy's tumor. I get it now. 
2. I have been home for over a week and have not been to Dunkin Donuts yet or played rockband. 
3. My sister is talking in her sleep and just said "There is a ballplayer over there"


Thoughts on Tuesday: rainshowers

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain softly wafting through my cracked window and the feeling of slight dampness in my sheets that only comes with a spring shower. 
I am so full of awe every spring, when I watch the rain fall and the forest come back to life after long, cold, dead winters. It's a beautiful reminder to me that there is a new start for everything, and that while some things die, a new and beautiful thing will eventually grow in it's place.
Everything moves along, in its time and season.
And so will I.

My backyard beginning to come alive:

Sleeping Chelsie and snuggle kitty Bruschi on a rainy spring morning:

I feel like the perfect way to enjoy my afternoon is to make a warm mug of chamomille tea, curl up with my kitty and read with my window open and the smell/sounds of spring rain wafting into my room.

These are my thoughts,
this is my prayer.


Structure Sunday: Post-its

So, I recently discovered that I have this application on my computer called "stickies". It is basically post-it notes for my computer. Gosh, I love Macs.

Goals for this week (as written on my green "stickie" on my desktop)
1. Out of bed before eleven every morning.
2. Call my doctors in Boston and finalize my appointments for my Ortho, Oncologist and x-rays.
3. Call my Primary Physician and schedule for a physical.
4. Scholarships
5. Finish Sub application
6. Get to Lavander Town in my Pokemon Yellow game by the end of this week. 
7. make it to Seminary game morning on Friday
8. go to Concert Band and Wind Ensemble sometime this week. Maybe Friday? 
9. Call Red Cross and Schedule for CPR recertification.
10. Plan sunday school lesson for the 4-year old class that I am subbing for next week.

and yes. you did read number six right. I have rediscovered Pokemon Yellow for Gameboy Advance. I will make it to Lavender Town this time next week. And I will continue to name every Pokemon I catch after some Middle Earth Place or Person or Creature. yes.

I hope to have a more solid week. I want to feel accomplished at the end of every day. And I want to prove to myself that life will continue to go on, even though things have changed in a lot of ways. I'm enjoying the beginnings of life as the sun shines here. Things are turning green and the flowers are almost in full bloom. I hope to help my dad this week as he prepares to start our summer veggie patch. I hope that I can have a few cucumber plants for myself this year. Its supposed to rain soon. I am looking forward to some New England rain. I plan on enjoying it to the fullest. I am thankful for New England and the beauty that I find around every corner here. I know that no matter what happens in the coming weeks, and that no matter how hard things might get, or how bad things might hurt, life will continue to be beautiful. And that will always be enough to get me through.

These are my thoughts
This is my prayer.


Sending Saturday: cut off

Well. When my two best friends/missionaries feel like returning my phone calls/text messages/facebook messages, maybe I will have something to say about them. 
Until then, I will just sit here in New Hampshire, minding my own little business.

But should they read this (unlikely), just know that I am thinking of you, I'm praying for you and I miss you terribly.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

These are my thoughts.
this is my prayer.


Freedom Friday: Prayers

I have this little poem framed on my desk that I read every time I sit down. My aunt gave it to me when I was baptized into my church when I was eight. Whenever I read it, I always think of the people who I love and miss and who I am thinking of and then I say a prayer for them. It's almost like a little reminder to think and pray for the people who I love and to be thankful for their presence in my life.

I said a prayer for you today and I know that God must have heard. I felt the answer in my heart, although he spoke no word. I didn't ask for wealth or fame; I knew you wouldn't mind. I asked him instead to send you treasures of another kind. I asked that he'd be near to you at the start of each new day, to grant you health and blessings and friends to share along your way. I asked for happiness for you in all things great and small. But it was for his loving care, I prayed for most of all. 

I know that I am not the only one who is struggling with things right now in my life. I am thankful for the people that God has put into my life at this time who have become huge supports to me. I can only hope and pray that I can be a strength to them as they are to me.

These are my thoughts.
This is my prayer.