i believe in miracles

Today, my family and I walked around the Lost River Flume Gorge and Caves. 

It was over a mile of endless stairs and crawling through and around rocks in the heart of the White Mountains of New Hampshire.

And not only did I make it through the whole hike without tripping or falling,

I made it through pain free.

Being "crippled" for the last five years was something I learned to adjust to. It was pointless to get upset about the adventures I was missing out on because I was alive and that was all that mattered at the end of the day. Yeah, I had my days when I through myself pity parties because I was left out or because I was physical unable to do things-I can't even express how frustrated I was at times at being so limited and at the loss of my left leg's usage.

But today...

Today, I hiked through a Gorge and went up and down over two hundred steps. Today, I was not limited or scared of pushing my boundaries. Today, I was pain free. Today was the first time in five years I pushed myself to my limits without feeling the hurt.

Today, I remembered what it was like to have two legs-and I appreciated it more then I ever have in my life.

Today, I was reminded why I chose to put myself through those months of pain and why I continue to work through the tough days of rehab. Today, I was reminded of how real miracles are, because I'm only four months out from a total knee replacement on an alleograph and I wasn't even supposed to be off crutches yet.

Miracles are everywhere.

Just Believe!

i believe in miracles.

this beautiful scar and brand new knee:

this is a miracle for me.

adjusting

it's been three years since i was last on crutches

and being back on them is a big adjustment.

just over a week ago, i got out of bed when i wanted to

and i went to the kitchen to grab a snack when i was hungry

and heck, i could even stay up late in my living room watching movies on the big tv.

but now, i'm back to the whole routine of:

walkie talkies to wake up mom when i need to go to the bathroom

and going to my room at nine so that my leg can be properly propped up

and asking my sisters to bring me a sandwich so i can have some lunch.

adjustment.

it's really hard to give up that freedom of walking

and of relying on knees that work (or in my case, just getting me places)

and sometimes it is frustrating to not just get up and go when i want to.

just concentrating on getting down the hallway is hard work.

heel. bend. toe. extend. heel. bend. toe. extend.

and then i get to the recliner in the living room and sit out there.

i've already read a whole novel and mastered a basic introductory conversation in french in the two days i've been out of the hospital.

and tonight, i convinced my mom to let me stay in the living room after everyone went to bed so i could finish watching a walk to remember (yeah, i know)

and as i slowly made my way down the hall, my crutch hit a ruler that someone left on the floor and slid out from under me.

i didn't fall, but i put way too much weight and bend on my left knee.

and i had to wake up my mom to get me back to my bed.

basically: this is not easy.

but they never said it was going to be easy.

they only said it was going to be worth it.

i'm almost five years cancer free, but i've still got plenty of battles to fight because of what it left me with.

and i'm not complaining.

because i'm learning so much about myself and about family and about sacrifice and service and love

it's a never ending lesson

and sometimes i get tired, and sometimes i need to adjust

but at the end of the day, 

i have to remember that

i have two legs

and i am alive.

and with time,

and patience and hard work and prayers and faith,

i'll have two knees again someday

and i'll be able to go get that midnight snack that i'm craving right now.

=]

remember to breathe, chelsabelle,

everything is going to be okay.

dear readers:

hi! I'm sill kickin'!

and also, still in the hospital.

but hopefully, I will be bustin' this joint tomorrow.

I promise to be a dedicated blogger and writer once things settle down in the next few days, but i just had to let you all know:

today, i was allowed to put a little bit of weight on my left leg.

and I felt a real, working knee in there.

PT today was emotional, painful and frustrating.

I have such a long, long way to go.

I'm essentially learning how to walk all over again.

but it's okay, because it will come.

I believe in miracles.

and I know that I am capable of overcoming this; with the Lord on my side.

I would like you all to do me a favor in the near future:

take the stairs and think about how great it is that you can go up and down them.

walk down your driveway, barefoot if possible, to get the mail and just enjoy the way your muscles move in your legs. feel them. appreciate them.

and tell someone you love, that you love them.

my love to you all; who stumble across this blog or who keep up with me regularly.

you are all great.

and life is beautiful.

Always,

Chelsie Caroline

the 22nd.

Hi.

I am getting a new knee on Friday.

<3