31.10.12
revelation
and in that moment, I just knew that everything would be okay and that I would get my happy ending.
24.10.12
22.10.12
I'm dreading tomorrow.
I hate it when good intentions get misconstrued and turn into huge blow ups and "he said" "she said" and just dumb stuff. It's just dumb. And I've already had a long day. And being blamed for a ton of crap that I never even said...ugh.
Whatever. I'm so done with it all. Someone take me back to China; or home to New England, or to where ever my boyfriend is. Someone one take me to a place where I am loved always.
Take me back to the days when swinging was enough.
Whatever. I'm so done with it all. Someone take me back to China; or home to New England, or to where ever my boyfriend is. Someone one take me to a place where I am loved always.
Take me back to the days when swinging was enough.
21.10.12
truth is,
I left a huge part of my heart in China.
Someone, please take me back here right now.
I miss these kids more than I'll ever find words for.
17.10.12
hump day
My weeks seem to be flying by fast and I'm grateful. I'm so busy this semester and I'm trying to stay on top of everything, but no matter how much time I invest on campus, I am still somehow always behind. But I'm learning. I'm prioritizing. And I'm improving.
Sometimes, I feel inadequate. But there are moments when I'm sitting on my bed, listening to Sam tell us funny stories about her little brother, and laughing with all of my roommates. There are moments when I just feel so good about where my life is, and even if I'm not perfect or I'm flawed, I'm trying to be better. And I know that is all that matters.
And sometimes, you just need a few minutes with your roommates; knelt in a circle on the floor, united in prayer to re-energize you and motivate you to get through the rest of the week.
Grateful tonight. Now, just a few more paragraphs and my mid-term essay will be done!
14.10.12
Six.
When you fight cancer, they tell you about the things you will have to battle. About the hair loss, the sick, the weight loss, the mouth sores, the bed sores, the surgeries, the deformations, the knee replacements, the infections, the fevers. It's information overload, and you try to soak it all in, but the knowledge slowly settles into your bones as your treatment becomes a routine. The slow repetition of infusions, complications and surgical procedures wrap around you in twisted vines until you understand.
But they don't tell you about the fight after cancer. The guilt. The confusion. The emotional damage that sits in the back corners of your stomach and rears it's head at the most inconvenient and surprising times. And they don't tell you what it's like to cope with life after cancer. The limp. The unstable joints. The questions. The label that you can never seem to shake.
They don't tell you about that fight. You just discover that battle all on your own. And then you either let it sink you, or you survive it.
And I refuse to be anything but a survivor.
I am six years cancer free.
I've nearly forgotten about that emotional damage that is still hiding out somewhere in my gut. I mean, I know it's still there because sometimes it rears its ugly little head and comes bursting forth. But I've accepted that it will take a long time to recover from it all, because here's the thing: you don't just come back from cancer. You don't just accept your survival and everyone else's death. You don't just say: "I had cancer and it's okay." Terrible things happen! And it's okay to be human and to feel sad about them. Here's the secret though, about terrible things. It is possible to come back from them, eventually, because beautiful things happen too. And I would never know; never see, never appreciate the beautiful things I have seen in the last six years without experiencing the terrible. I would never know the hope of the Gospel of the LDS church. I would never appreciate the incredible rush of falling in love that I experienced with my Best Friend. I would never know what it means to love someone unconditionally as I have loved my 32 second graders all the way in China. I would never value the sunset over the Yellow Sea, the way my car warms up in the morning, the way my knees bend as I walk upstairs, painting my roommates toes, taking afternoon naps, singing with the windows rolled down. I would never love those little things the way I do now, because I never knew how beautiful they all were. And for that, I am grateful for the terrible thing that was cancer. I am so incredible grateful for it.
I am still putting myself back together; even six years later, and I've come to realize that I might be putting myself back together for the rest of my life. But I am putting myself back together. And that is all that matters.
I am six years cancer free. And sometimes, I forget I even had cancer. But I did. I had cancer and I fought it every day. And it was terrible. But it was beautiful, too.
And every day is a continued battle and I continue to fight it. Because that's what being a cancer survivor is all about, really. Not just surviving, but fighting it every day. And loving every minute of it.
I am six years cancer free.
But they don't tell you about the fight after cancer. The guilt. The confusion. The emotional damage that sits in the back corners of your stomach and rears it's head at the most inconvenient and surprising times. And they don't tell you what it's like to cope with life after cancer. The limp. The unstable joints. The questions. The label that you can never seem to shake.
They don't tell you about that fight. You just discover that battle all on your own. And then you either let it sink you, or you survive it.
And I refuse to be anything but a survivor.
I am six years cancer free.
I've nearly forgotten about that emotional damage that is still hiding out somewhere in my gut. I mean, I know it's still there because sometimes it rears its ugly little head and comes bursting forth. But I've accepted that it will take a long time to recover from it all, because here's the thing: you don't just come back from cancer. You don't just accept your survival and everyone else's death. You don't just say: "I had cancer and it's okay." Terrible things happen! And it's okay to be human and to feel sad about them. Here's the secret though, about terrible things. It is possible to come back from them, eventually, because beautiful things happen too. And I would never know; never see, never appreciate the beautiful things I have seen in the last six years without experiencing the terrible. I would never know the hope of the Gospel of the LDS church. I would never appreciate the incredible rush of falling in love that I experienced with my Best Friend. I would never know what it means to love someone unconditionally as I have loved my 32 second graders all the way in China. I would never value the sunset over the Yellow Sea, the way my car warms up in the morning, the way my knees bend as I walk upstairs, painting my roommates toes, taking afternoon naps, singing with the windows rolled down. I would never love those little things the way I do now, because I never knew how beautiful they all were. And for that, I am grateful for the terrible thing that was cancer. I am so incredible grateful for it.
I am still putting myself back together; even six years later, and I've come to realize that I might be putting myself back together for the rest of my life. But I am putting myself back together. And that is all that matters.
I am six years cancer free. And sometimes, I forget I even had cancer. But I did. I had cancer and I fought it every day. And it was terrible. But it was beautiful, too.
And every day is a continued battle and I continue to fight it. Because that's what being a cancer survivor is all about, really. Not just surviving, but fighting it every day. And loving every minute of it.
I am six years cancer free.
13.10.12
In Case Anyone Was Wondering
Sam and I live in a disaster zone. And I'm going to clean it...eventually.
9.10.12
Recently
I haven't really blogged recently and it's weird for me. I'm seriously so busy these days; I don't know if I am coming or going and I have barely enough time to shove food down my throat; never mind sit down and pour my feelings out onto my blog.
Just to give you a snap shot of what my daily life is right now:
Yesterday, I was on campus at 7:45 for class. Worked 9-12. Went home real quick and grabbed some stuff. Went grocery shopping because I hadn't gone since before the semester started. Back to campus to do homework until 2:00. Class from 2:00-4:00. Pick up Sam and Janna and take them home, grab some snacks and then back on campus from 4:30-9:30, doing homework.
Today, I have been on campus since 8:00. I ran home between classes to grab my Great Wall scroll and went back to class. Then I have homework. Class from 3-4. Work 4-7. Sam's hip hop class 8-9. And more homework.
So, I'm busy. I'm constantly on the go. And it's draining. But I love most of my classes. I love the friends I have made. I absolutely adore my roommates. And I love spending time with my sister.
And conference this last weekend; conference was every thing I needed and every answer to my prayer. It gave me the confidence and motivation to be better, to do better and to work to reach the potential that my Father in Heaven knows that I have in me.
I'll try to write more consistently again. After all, I am an English Major.
Just to give you a snap shot of what my daily life is right now:
Yesterday, I was on campus at 7:45 for class. Worked 9-12. Went home real quick and grabbed some stuff. Went grocery shopping because I hadn't gone since before the semester started. Back to campus to do homework until 2:00. Class from 2:00-4:00. Pick up Sam and Janna and take them home, grab some snacks and then back on campus from 4:30-9:30, doing homework.
Today, I have been on campus since 8:00. I ran home between classes to grab my Great Wall scroll and went back to class. Then I have homework. Class from 3-4. Work 4-7. Sam's hip hop class 8-9. And more homework.
So, I'm busy. I'm constantly on the go. And it's draining. But I love most of my classes. I love the friends I have made. I absolutely adore my roommates. And I love spending time with my sister.
And conference this last weekend; conference was every thing I needed and every answer to my prayer. It gave me the confidence and motivation to be better, to do better and to work to reach the potential that my Father in Heaven knows that I have in me.
I'll try to write more consistently again. After all, I am an English Major.
World Civ 201
I could care less about The Aeneid. Truly. I could care less.
But the fact that I get to stand up and give a presentation on the Great Wall of China, and get to draw on my own personal experience on being there makes this class a heck of a lot better.
But the fact that I get to stand up and give a presentation on the Great Wall of China, and get to draw on my own personal experience on being there makes this class a heck of a lot better.
2.10.12
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)