still inspired

sometimes you just need to find yourself again,

even if you haven't entirely lost yourself in the first place. 

through the lens of a camera, the melody of a song or the words of a book.

the way the sun colors the smog of a city.

the sound of tiny feet pounding up stairs.

You begin to realize the the things that inspired you back in the day are worn out and tired,

and you have become worn out and tired.

washed up and stuck in the same routine.

It's comfortable and familiar and warm.

But then you read something the reminds you of who you are.

and what you want to do

and who you want to become.

you start writing again and delving into worlds entirely your own and completely and utterly full of nonsense.

you remember what makes you feel alive;

what get's your heart beating and your mind running and makes the world saturated with bright colors.

you become inspired.

I had a moment tonight as I was trying to fall asleep.

My mind started running in a million different directions and all of a sudden I had to write it all down before I lost to the unconscious land of dreams and half formed thoughts.

I had to sift through photographs and snapshots from the last few months and look at them again. I pulled up old quotes hidden in the depths of my hard drive and open up old documents from years ago with a couple of sentences of tangled words typed hastily down. They screamed of potential and the empty promises I had made those thoughts; that I would complete them, expand them, discover their fullness. 

I found myself setting goals and finding motivation to get back into old pattens and habits that pushed me and challenged me and focused me.

and I realized...

I am still inspired.

Choices.

I am better and I will be better.

Resolutions of 2012

Things have been crazy this week with getting paper work done for my Visa. But here they are, none the less. My goals/resolutions for this year!

1. Learn a language.

I know it takes a lot of work and time to become fluent, but I would like to learn a language enough to have a basic conversation in it. Right now, I'm leaning towards French, but my time in China might change it to Mandarin. We'll see.

2. Become proficient in shooting with film.

My "older brother I never had" is letting me borrow his beautiful Cannon film camera with two lovely lenses. I just finished my first roll of film that I shot in complete manuel settings and I have no idea how they are going to come out. But I hope that by the end of the year, I will have film down pat.

3. Expand DSLR kit. (new lenses, better tripod)

I am craving a telephoto lens in the worse way for my kit. Unfortunately they are so expensive! So, I hope to save up and expand my DSLR kit by the end of the year.

4. Create a budget and stick to it!

In order to purchase new camera gear, I need to continue to be financially stable. I've done well with that this last year, but I want to take it one step further by creating a budget and STICKING to it for longer than a month.

5. Be able to jog for ten minutes straight.

I ran the other day for the first time in over five years. It was incredible. But my muscles are so weak and my hips are so ridden with arthritis that I couldn't go longer then two minutes before having to stop. I want to get my body in better shape and strengthen my muscles so that I can run for ten minutes straight.

6. Officially change my major and get on fast grad. Obtain a graduation date!

I know that when I get back from China, I'm going to be ready to be done with school. I need to get my butt to the academic advising office, get through the paper work to change my major officially to English Ed. and try to get my double minor approved. I need to apply and get onto Fast Grad, and then get a graduation date and then stick to my class plan to finish on time! I'm going to be in college forever if I don't!

7. Read Book of Mormon. Again!

Such a wonderful experience last year, I want to do it again, but keep a journal while doing it this time and develop a marking system.

8. Get weight down to 145 and maintain it. 

I'm at the "perfect weight" according to my doctor, but I would like to lose a few pounds and get fit. This means a regular exercise routine and just being healthier and eating healthier and then sticking to it.

9. Continue to stay secure and supportive.

I made it through a year of writing my missionary. It was harder then I ever though possible, but I've learned so much about myself, about God and about my relationship with him. I hope to continue to improve all of those relationships and to stay secure and faithful during the next year.

10. Go to a state I haven't been to before. 

Gotta drive Cazz back this summer to Idaho. Dad wants to stop in Omaha, NE to see his aunt. I want to see Mount Rushmore in SD. Either way, I should be able to cross off a state I haven't been to by the end of the year.

11. Become a pro with my crock pot.

I cooked three meals with my crock pot this last semester and I am hooked. I loved getting up, throwing a bunch of ingredients into a pot, going to school and work all day and coming home to a ready to eat and yummy and HEALTHY meal. I must become pro at the crock pot. I want to make a meal with it every week in the fall if possible.

Well, those are my goals for 2012! A lot of them are a lot more tangible then last years, but that's okay. These are certain aspects of myself that I want to work on, things I want to improve and easily be able to see the results. I'm excited about these goals, excited to hold myself accountable for them by the end of the year. 

I know that this year holds challenges for me, but I also know that it holds blessings, miracles and opportunities to grow, learn and better myself. And I'm excited to see what those opportunities are. Bring it on, 2012. 

Observations on 2011

I'm huge on resolutions. I love goals. I love outlining things I want to improve for myself. I love having things to work towards. I like giving myself a time frame to have something finished. I believe in setting goals and then working hard to obtain them.

I set goals frequently. I don't believe that I should wait to the beginning of the new year to change something, to start improving some aspect of myself. But I do like having long term goals. I check in on them often and at the beginning of ever new year, I first start by looking back at my goals from the year before and seeing how I shaped up.

My goals from 2011 were as follows.

1. Straight A's Winter semester.

Turns out I had mono and I had to handle the severe emotional distress of sending Duty on a mission. These details factored into a very stressful and difficult semester. But I still managed to pull off all A's and B's. So, good. I'm happy with this.

2. Do everything possible to be financially stable for this summer.

Cazz and I made it home in one piece and I paid for it. Success.

3. Knee Replacement

Yes. I did this. I faced my fears and I told my parents and my doctors that I could no longer live my life with the crummy knee I had. I fought hard for this knee replacement and then I fought hard through the most difficult surgery I've had, the hardest recovery I've had to go through and I made it out on the other end. I have a new knee. I have my life back. I am walking limp free. 

4. Write

Yes, minus the small wrench thrown into my plans to be a dedicated pen pal this summer. Other then that, I never missed a week as a pen pal to my missionary and turns out, I could possibly be a professional carepackage sender. Success.

5. Read the Book of Mormon

Yes. I did it back in March with my roommates and it was awesome. And now I'm doing it again. Success 

6. Pick Piano Back Up.

My knee surgery/summer at Zion kinda took up all my spare time this summer. I did get to sit down and play a little, but I didn't get to relearn like I wanted to. This is one I'll keep working on. 

7. Be Better with my Time

 I have a huge desire to give back to the people who gave so much to me.

Zion's Camp. Every Day. All Day. No time for time wasting things when there is service to preform. Check.

8. Take Better Care of My Body

1. Sleep more. -SO SUCCESSFUL WITH THIS! I kicked Mono in the butt at the beginning of this year and this last semester I was in bed between 10 and 11 almost EVERY night. 

2. Eat better. Eh, not so much. I need to keep working on this. 

3. Swim. During the summer, yes. Back at school? Not once. =[ 

4. Take care of my knee. Know when to say no. Know what the limits are and what adjustments need to be made. Make good choices about how far to push it. Okay, I might have pushed myself a little too much when I first started walking again. But I have gotten better at this. 

9. Grow out my hair and stop dying the heck out of it!

hahaha...well...I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop dying it...I think I dyed it a total of nine times this year. BUT I HAVEN'T CUT IT DRASTICALLY! So, baby steps, right?

10. China

I am leaving in approx. 26 days to go teach English in China for five months. Check. Check. Check.

11. Stay Secure

When I wrote this last year, I never dreamed of the trials and test of my faith and security in my relationships that 2011 would hold for me. And after everything I faced with Dusty's reassignment, I am proud and thankful to be able to say that we are stronger then ever and I am more secure in my friendship with him then I ever have been before.

I know I've already written about 2011. But I feel the need to say that it was hard. It was harder then I ever imagined it to be. And there were days when I thought I couldn't do it anymore; when my life was so hard that I didn't want to fight anymore. But, I'm a cancer survivor and sitting out of a battle just doesn't fly, even when I'm ready to give up. I am proud of the battles I fought this last year. I am proud of the things I accomplished. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father gave me the strength to accomplish the impossible; to go through my knee replacement, to heal five months faster then originally thought, to become a five year cancer survivor, to become an instrumental piece in the operation of Zion's Camp, to guide me to make the choice to go back to school in the fall and to stay faithful during Dusty's reassignment and the trials that it brought both of us. 2011 was hard. But every battle I fought during it was worth it. And I am thankful for my life and for being alive and for living through it all.

My life is a miracle. At the beginning of every year, I realize that I'm receiving a gift. Another year that I wasn't supposed to have; that cancer was supposed to take from me. But it didn't. I won. I'm alive. And life is so beautiful.

Stay tuned for my resolutions for 2012!

I wanted to write

I wanted to write.

I wanted to write things that had the ability to move people. I wanted to create sentences that transported them to places that were beyond their imaginations. I wanted to use my words to paint pictures of the most vivid colors and textures and sounds-things so tangible and palpable that you would want to reach your hand out and test out the reality for yourself. I wanted to put a voice behind emotions that seemed too raw to have a description. I wanted to pen out every deep thought and idea that crossed my mind on paper and and create a solace that documents every beautiful and damaged thing I came across. I wanted to write.

I considered myself a writer in some respects. I wrote a lot. I wrote frequently. I told stories and molded my world around black print and letters. I tried, and hey, that's a heck of a lot better then doing nothing at all, or so they say. But sometimes, I stumbled across someone who wrote their emotions so brilliantly that by the end of the story I felt like they were my own and I thought: I want to write. I want to write like that.

and so, I kept writing. But between the lines and the dotted i's and the crossed t's and overused phrases and cliches, I realized that I'm not writing for anyone but me. These are my emotions and my thoughts and no one elses and that by putting them down in a concrete way, I'm becoming the writer I wanted to be all along. And that is good enough for me.

I am DONE

I am not perfect. I have bad habits. And I'm so sick of finally getting close to kicking them and then doing something that makes me slip back into them. I am so done with bad habits; and I'm so over mine. SO OVER THEM! so, I'm just stopping them. No more bad habits. No more biting my nails, no more chewing on pen caps, no more, period! OKAY! GO!

I will need all the luck I can get on this.

on Health and Goals

I'm the kind of person who loves goals. I set New Year's resolutions every year and I work hard to achieve them and check in with them constantly. I'm in love with the idea of bettering myself every day and crossing things off the many lists on the post it notes I keep close by. I love working hard and feeling accomplished.

This summer was all about getting my knee replaced and recovering from that-the biggest and hardest surgery I've ever faced. Now that I'm finally on my feet again, I have been a little lazy and lost when it comes to working on myself. I realized that when I don't have a goal I'm actively working on achieving, I tend to lose focus on many other aspects of my life. So, I decided that it needed to stop.

Now that I've finally got this beautiful new knee, I really need to work on getting healthy in other areas of my life. I've been healing well, but I've gotten to a really frustrating stand still in my physical therapy and I will only be able to overcome it if I can get over the hurdles I've placed in front of myself.

Normally, I'm the kind of person who gradually eases into new habits, but since I decided to go back to school in the fall, I have a limited amount of time to teach myself how to live in a new mindset in order to get my body to fully succeed.

So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to embrace a healthy lifestyle as fully as I can. My goals for the rest of the summer are as follows:

1. Go to bed no later then 11 and don't sleep in past 9. No naps, unless on Sunday.
2. No more unnecessary snacking. Time to eat healthier and control the calorie intake
3. Go to the gym 3-4 times a week. The only way to combat the issues I'm facing with PT is to strengthen my muscles in my leg and my core and to stay on top of my weight.
4. Scripture study every night-I've gotten lazy.
5. Swimming every day
6. Reading as many novels as possible before going back to school to prepare for English Class
7. (slightly unrelated) but I want to eliminate the word "like" from my daily conversations. As an English major, it's unprofessional of me, and I realize how uneducated I sound when I use it more then five times in one sentence. It's terrible.

wish me luck! Healthy Body, here I come!

Listing

I used to blog a lot in lists, way back in the day. And now I'm back in a listing kinda mood. Lists make me feel organized. And help me see what I am doing and where I am going and feel productive. Sometimes, I make to-do lists with super minor things, like "Brush Teeth" just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing it off. I also have a million post-its on my desktop with random thoughts, songs I want to buy from itunes, blogging ideas, photograph plans, quotes and movies and books to watch. Basically, I can always count on myself to have some kind of list somewhere.

anyway. here are five things about today:

1. I've lost 10 pounds from my surgery, and I can tell! It's exciting and I've been working really hard to eat healthy to keep it off. So far, so good. But, I had a little lapse in judgement today and had my sister buy me chili and cream cheese and fritos so I can make my favorite dip. I figure if I eat it in small quantities, it won't be so bad, right?

2. I can now have a very simple, basic conversation in French.

3. My mom texted her friends more then I did today.

4. I am starting to feel inspired again.

5. Everyone in the world should read "The Time Traveler's Gift" by Andy Andrews. Seriously. It changed my life.

on change and other things

sometimes, there are moments when i just get blindsided. 

it was a lazy, beautiful day in new england;

my favorite kind: sunny, breezy and perfect blue skies.

new hampshire is just starting to come alive right now, and I live for this time of the year.

but within a few clicks of the mouse; life has changed.

here are a few things i've learned as i've dealt with a million emotions:

Change is the only constant thing in life. as hard as it is sometimes, it is the only thing we can rely on never changing.

Change gives us opportunities to learn. Through change, we have the ability to be taught the greatest lessons in life. And, if we get too caught up in the actual change, we lose out on learning those lessons.

My belief in my religion is the only thing that I can rely on to pull me through hard times.

I am willing to do anything or sacrifice anything for those I love. 

I believe in the bigger picture and in the plan that clearly is beyond me. but I believe in it and I trust it, so I'm letting go of everything I thought I knew and putting it all into the Lord's hands. 

And while I stood at the edge of my ocean today; I realized that I am so small in this world,

but that I still count for something anyway.

I am a believer of life and of living mine to the fullest potential.

I've got to do a little bit of reworking and going back to the drawing boards, 

but I am ready to face it.

I'm making my own plans (and working hard with God to make sure they are the right ones)

and I'm throwing my old ones away (the ones where I thought I knew what I was doing and clearly needed to be redirected)

Hello Summer, 2011. 

You are holding some of the biggest challenges I have yet to face.

but I'm ready to take you on.

this is my life. and i'm the only one who is strong enough to live it. 

I can't wait to go home.

Five semesters in a row is quite enough of school for me for a while. This semester is like pulling teeth. Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with my classes (especially my photography and romantic lit ones) and I'm really enjoying my job on campus, but my brain just feels super run down. Five semesters in a ROW! AH! Granted, I only have three ish left, but I need a break. for reals.

I'm looking forward to this next year, starting off with the long drive across the country in my Cazz machine with my Daddy. The upcoming knee replacement is very daunting and scary, but I'm trying to focus on the after math of all of the pain and work that will come with it. And China. Oh man, the more I think about how this time, next year, I hopefully will be teaching English to little kids in China, the more motivated and determined I feel to get through this semester and work through my knee replacement and save up money so I can have a part in the service abroad known as ILP!

But for now, I gotta stay focused on school and my shorter goals. Continue to eat healthy, stick to the work out schedule, budget my money, get good grades, write to my missionary, be a good roommate, stay active in my ward and fulfill my calling, volunteer at the kitty shelter and improve my photography and piano playing. I am really liking the direction my life is going in right now. I like staying focused and trying to improve small things in my life that will hopefully make me a better person in the long run.

Getting ready to go to a ward activity, then working on my mid-term essay for my lit class. Tomorrow is church, superbowl sunday and GLEE! Gonna be a super busy week with mid-terms and everything, but I'm trying to stay focused.

Oh and remember how I blogged about that new musician, Ron Pope? Well, not only am I pretty much in love with his music, I'm in love with his Pandora Station. Just sayin.

a few things:

i think i want to double minor in photography.

i am going to go to China next year and teach English. 

and i am going to fight and overcome my knee replacement in order to do that.

nothing is going to stand in my way.

i'm 100% New England. i'm hardcore.

and i'm going to get back the part of my life that cancer took from me.

and then, i'm going to live it.

i have a second chance. and i'm going to do something with it.

that is all. 

i'm doing okay. 

i'm wrapped in security and hope and comfort and peace and determination.

i'm remembering how to be happy on my own again.

and i'm doing okay.

resolutions of 2011

here they are. here we go.

1. Straight A's Winter semester.

The last couple years, I always set a goal for a few a's, a few b's. But I think I need to set the bar higher for myself.  I want to prove to myself and my parents that I am capable of straight A's.

2. Do everything possible to be financially stable for this summer.

this means NOT using my credit card, saving up so I can get Cazz home after the winter semester and pay for him during the summer that I'm not working.

3. Knee Replacement

Well, this is already set in stone to happen next April. (i'm still in complete shock that it's actually going to happen) I guess I just want to be as prepared, mentally, emotionally and physically as possible to take on this surgery. There is just a lot that goes into a procedure like this, and I want to be able to tackle it and overcome it in the best possible way. The biggest part of this for me is to maintain a positive attitude throughout the whole experience. 

4. Write

This is in two parts. one: I want to be a dedicated pen pal to my missionary. Two: And I want to take the time that I'm off my feet for most of next year to write something. Maybe a book or novel or my life story. I don't know. I just want to write.

5. Read the Book of Mormon

I was thinking about this the other day, and I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, but I don't think I've ever read the entire Book of Mormon, cover to cover, in linear form. I know I've studied it, and I know that I've probably read the whole thing in chunks here and there throughout my life, but I want to read it, in it's entirety, from start to finish. 

6. Pick Piano Back Up.

Pretty straightforward. I want to relearn how to play, and I want to be able to play well. 

7. Be Better with my Time

I just don't want to waste away in front of the tv or the computer the coming year. I want to be better at budgeting my time and not procrastinating homework during the next semester. I realize that some of it will be needed while I'm in the recovery stage after surgery, but I want to be productive or accomplish something. I don't know what exactly that entails yet, but I'm thinking it will be something along the lines of working for/making things for my floor at children's. I have a huge desire to give back to the people who gave so much to me.

8. Take Better Care of My Body

this comes in a few different parts and is something I really want to master. I've grown really used to relying on someone else to look out for me, and I need to be able to do this for myself over the next couple years, for him and for myself:

1. Sleep more. (I need to kick the sickness I have right now completely in order to get my knee replacement)

2. Eat better. 

3. Swim 

4. Take care of my knee. Know when to say no. Know what the limits are and what adjustments need to be made. Make good choices about how far to push it.

9. Grow out my hair and stop dying the heck out of it!

I just want healthy, long hair again. And that means no drastic hair cuts and obsessive amounts of chemicals.

10. China

Start making plans, researching and maybe learning some Chinese so that I can be prepared to teach English in China in 2012. 

11. Stay Secure

In myself, in my relationships, and in my testimony. I know that this next year will have it's trials and it's rough patches and that I'm going to have a hard time without some people not being by my side. I just need to trust myself and stay secure.

I think that is it. Pretty hefty list, if I do say so myself. But I'm excited to tackle it.

I'm anxious for this next year. There are a few big changes headed my way....starting in 27 days. Everything that I've come to know and rely on over the last eight months is going to change.  I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous about a lot of things. But I'm positive that everything that is going to change over the next four-five months is going to be beneficial in the end. As my mom always says: "Bigger picture, Belle. Think of the bigger picture." My best friend leaving me for the next two years isn't the happiest thought. My best friend going to serve a mission and having the opportunity to help out so many people in Mexico, and learning and growing and becoming a missionary; having the chance to serve and bring truth to those who are looking for it and being able to grow and learn things for himself...that is the bigger picture. Getting my leg hacked up again and having to go through a 5-8 month recovery process to be able to walk again and not being able to go to school next fall isn't the best thought. Regaining stability, endurance, and becoming pain free and having the opportunity to teach in China in a couple years...that is the bigger picture.

I'm scared and nervous and anxious and excited and thrilled all in once. But I'm just going to hold on to the hope and faith that there is a plan; and that everything will work out in the end. I'm going to trust in my faith; without a solid footing in what I believe in, none of the coming changes would be endurable.

I'm so grateful for this last year. I'm so grateful for the people it brought into my life; for the lessons I learned and for the person I became throughout the last twelve months. I seriously don't think I could have asked for a more beautiful year. And as I think about everything that happened and everything that it included (learning how to trust again, my best friend's wedding, spring semester, cancer free for four years, and falling in love) , I can't help but be so incredibly grateful for my life. and for the opportunity I have to live it and to experience every small wonder. Every once in a while, it hits me, out of the blue, that I'm not really supposed to be alive...that I got a second chance to live. Cancer was supposed to win the war, but I somehow came out on top. And I couldn't be more grateful for it. 

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm filled with hope.

this is my life. and no matter what happens, it is so. freaking. beautiful.

To all of my friends, readers, and strangers who stumble upon this:

Happy New Years! I hope 2011 will bring you beauty and hope and joy. I hope that whatever comes your way during the next year, that you will remember to breathe and think of the bigger picture. I hope you smile when it rains outside and that you will tell the ones you love, that you love them frequently because you never know when that opportunity might be gone. Don't live with regrets. Life is meant for making mistakes and learning from them. It's called living! Don't be afraid to get lost in the woods, or to get a little wet from the sprinklers! Don't be afraid to fall in love, it's one of the most amazing things you could ever let yourself experience. Don't be afraid to try new things, or to be happy on your own, either. Don't be afraid of yourself. Just go on adventures and appreciate the simplest things! Life is so beautiful! Don't let it pass you by, because you just never know when you might lose that chance to appreciate it. 

smile. 

you are alive. 

all of my love,

Chelsie Caroline

resolutions revisted.

I've been dreading looking at these for sometime now, because I know that I wasn't the best at keeping up on these this year. Today, in sacrament, the theme was resolutions and goals for the new year, and the last speaker said that it was important to appreciate what little gain we make instead of dwelling on everything we didn't make happen. Sooooo...that's what I'm going to try to do as I go over these. I am so ready to write out my goals for 2011 though. I am making some plans and setting goals and feeling inspired. that's the best feeling ever.



1. Eat healthier/lose some weight/work out:

Yeah, I totally failed on this one, until the last three weeks of this semester, where Dusty and I planned out legit meals for the rest of Fall. We actually followed through on most of them and ate full dinners on a somewhat general basis. It was nice. I hope I can keep that up with my roommate next semester.

2. Follow my budget/be financially stable:

Okay, this one was actually a winner. I paid of my credit card and have since stayed debt free (up until this last week where I might have bought my mom's sweater with my credit instead of my debit) but that's no big deal, cause I just got paid and I'll pay it off. so. Check.

3. Read a lot more. 2-3 books a month that are not required for school

Totally rocked this. Beach week helped me a lot, and my young adult lit class had me reading over seven books this semester.  Oh, and yes, i have jumped on the bandwagon called The Hunger Games, and am currently re-reading them with Dusty. So much fun, and really great to share the passion I have for reading with the person I love. Check.

4. Buy a Digital SLR.

I decided to buy a point and shoot in May in order to take pictures for all of the weddings I went to, but I'm holding off on buying my SLR for a while longer. The whole "staying out of debt " thing was a bit more important. But maybe buying this will be in the cards for me this year, I'm taking a photography class next semester and if I really click with it, than I might invest.

5. Three A's in the winter semester, and bring my GPA up to a 3.5 by the end of the year

...well, on the upside, I didn't fail any classes, and I got all A's and on B my spring semester. My GPA is higher...but not that high. I'll just keep working on it.

6. Start every morning with a prayer.

For the most part, yes. Check.

7. Work on trust issues.

one name: Dustin. I've never trusted someone so completely and fully as I do him. It was a lot of work, and it took a lot of time and a lot of give and take and patience, but I am more secure in him, in us, and in myself than I have ever been in my life. Check. 

8. Go some place I haven't been before

Seattle/Washington State. Check.

9. Be genuine.

I'm a lot better at this, but I could always use work. I got to really work on this during the spring semester, and in meeting new people, I tried really hard to be 100% myself. so. half check?

10. Write letters/emails frequently to support my friends on missions.

eh. it's fluctuated. I forgot to send Geoff's Christmas package. oops.

11. Floss.

FAIL. Just saw the dentist this last week, and while I remain cavity free (by some Christmas Miracle), he scolded me for my lack of flossing.

12. Take care of myself better, physically and emotionally. Know when to say when.

A little better, but still needs work. But I'm going to try really hard this week to fight for my knee replacement, and I hope I can actually win that battle.

13. Learn to accept my flaws and understand that people who can't don't matter.

this is on going, all of the time. But I've started to see my flaws as a big part of why I had the opportunity to cross paths in life with Dustin, and that makes me appreciate them and who they make me a whole lot more.


okay, so, not the best, but I have made some improvements over the last year. Just gotta keep working on myself and keep setting goals and not forgetting about them. I'm excited to write out my goals for next year, because I am making some big plans and have some really big goals that I want to achieve. I want to make myself proud, I want to keep growing and progressing, and most of all, I want to be able to be the best version of myself that I can be. I'm inspired and I'm motivated and most of all, I'm loving this part of who I am. I just... I'm just so grateful. I'm so blessed.
and best of all, I'm happy.

some goals and other things

another lazy day in apartment number 6. well, not as lazy as yesterday.

This morning brought an intense clean out of the kitchen, along with reorganizing every freaking piece of kitchen equipment, utiensil and tupperwear lid that five of us have collected over the last two-three years. On top of that, turns out our kitchen wasn't white gloved by the girls who lived here last semester. We found quite a nasty little mess under the stove. NOT HAPPY BOB, NOT HAPPY! But we put on some good music and I got out my sticky notes (can't organize anything without those) and we went to work. I'm pretty sure we all lost some brain cells from the oven cleaning chemicals that Erin not only applied in heavy amounts to the oven, but to the fridge as well....I don't ask questions any more with that girl.

Rexburg is the deadest (is that a word?) I have ever seen it. I've been here for Thanksgiving break, the week break between winter and spring and now for the beginning of the seven week break and it is absolutely empty. It's so weird to not hear people walking around outside, and to see porter park void of all happy couples. A totally different vibe; it's peaceful here, minus the beeping of the construction trucks down the block every few minutes.

What a week. Studying for finals and packing and MEETING PARENTS and spenging lots of time with the Alpine boys who keep me on my toes and my life a bit more adventureous. I hope it stays that way next semester; it's been fun being around them. Ugh. I need to work on being secure in my new friends, especially those who I've come to be closest with. My insecurity about people not loving me and fear of being abandoned is one of the biggest things I don't like about myself. I'm working on it though. This break away from some people will be good for me to practice trust and being secure in friendships and believing.

That being said; I was thinking about last summer and how hard I worked at being a better person. I made a lot of progress in that time and I want to take the next seven weeks to work on myself some more. Working on goals and being accomplished is always a good thing.

so number 1: work on that trust/being secure in my friends! there is no reason why I should be fearful of things changing; my friends have never given me reason to doubt it. just believe.

number 2: SWIM EVERY FREAKING MORNING when I'm home. Not only will that help my knee feel better and hopefully help my lungs get back to full capacity, but it'll be good to get into some form of regular exercise. Plus, mom said the pool was 80 degrees. Perfect!

number 3: read read read and write write write. English major; let's get on this! Beach week will be a major help; all of the time and the sunshine and the back deck and my favorite chair.

number 4: family time. I really want to work on my relationships with my siblings. I feel so distant from them these days and I want to be friends with them, because we're at that age when that is actually possible.

number 5: write my missionaries once a week. I haven't written to Brett in forever! UGH! I fail as a womb buddy! I should write to BP soon and to Jon and Benjamin and Jaron. They'll all be coming home soon. weird.

number 6: lose some weight and eat lots of healthy things from the garden!

number 7: scripture study and prayer. Both of these things I have been lacking in the last few weeks and something that was said to me in a blessing a week ago really stuck out to me and so I'm gonna act on it.

ummm, that's it for right now. I think that's enough. Seven Goals. Seven Weeks. Let's improve some things!

resolutions check in

so I need to check in on these because I know I'm not doing well on most of them and that needs to change.

1. Eat healthier/lose some weight/work out:

well. this hasn't gone too well so far. I think I put on weight last semester. But I plan on changing this by: 1. eating salads on campus for lunch 2-3 times a week. 2. swimming 1-2 times a week and 3. walking to work once a week, as long as my knee stops clicking. 

2. Follow my budget/be financially stable:

this has fluctuated during the semester, but I have been sticking to my budget/spreadsheet for the last month and it's been great. I need to work on paying off my credit card now..

3. Read a lot more. 2-3 books a month that are not required for school

well. I finished Dear John and most of Wicked. I need to get back into the swing of things by reading more.

4. Buy a Digital SLR.

I have a small Chelsie Camera fund. It's small, but it's there.

5. Three A's in the winter semester, and bring my GPA up to a 3.5 by the end of the year

only two A's this semester, but one of them was in History, so I'm okay with that.

6. Start every morning with a prayer.

I need to work on this a lot more.

7. Work on trust issues.

well, if there is anything i have improved on in the last semester, it is this one.

8. Go some place I haven't been before

Solid plans to be in Seattle May 20th!

9. Be genuine.

still a work in progress.

10. Write letters/emails frequently to my missionaries, especially Mike and Brett.

I am doing well on writing Brett! and I have written Mike, but I need to write more.

11. Floss.

yeah.

12. Take care of myself better, physically and emotionally. Know when to say when.

13. Learn to accept my flaws and understand that people who can't don't matter.

these are still being worked on.

so, at the beginning of this new spring semester, I have my work cut out for me. I think if I start with some baby steps, I'll slowly make progress. 

so, my baby steps for the next few weeks are:

• morning prayer
• salad for lunch twice
• crunches every night
• hit the pool once this week
• write a letter to brett and mike
• read a book a little every day.

baby steps. i'm going to make progress this semester. 

March Madness

happy march!

goals for this month include the following:

1. budget money better

2. get my health back on track

3. pull up my grades

4. get myself back together and keep it together

5. improve

the month holds the following events:

1. Salt Lake City with Geoff 3rd-4th to see orthopedic surgeon to figure out hip issues

2. Wedding planning every other weekend with best friend

3. Acoustic Cafe

4. Kira's wedding reception

5. Whit-bit's birthday

6. MY birthday

three specific things I really want to work on this month:

1. Morning prayer

2. Sleeping more

3. Keeping in touch with my siblings on a general basis

Today has been okay. the real kind of okay. the okay that was filled with the spirit, with comforting faces, with heart-to-hearts, with time and conversation spent with a best friend, with reassuring hugs, with funny conversations, with good food and with scripture study and apartment bonding. promises were kept, plans were made and today has been okay.

Goals for today

1. print out a million things

2. organize everything

3. clean my room up

4. do my homework

5. see my friends.

6. write that letter.

oh right, resolutions

it's 53 minutes into the new year, and i need to list out my resolutions/goals to work on for the next 12 months. I've been thinking about things I've wanted to improve on over the last few days and I have quite a list. Most of these goals are a lot more...i want to say physical, but i don't think that is quite the word i am looking for. 2009 goals had a lot more to do with improving myself emotionally/as a person. Most of 2010 goals have to do with my daily life and things I want to achieve in a more tangible way...

ANYWAY! here we go:

1. Eat healthier/lose some weight/work out:

I need to do all of this to A: make my knee last longer B: try to help with hip problems and C: feel better about myself. I plan on trying to go swimming once a week and getting back into my 50 crunches before bed routine. Also. MORE VEGGIES/FRUITS THIS SEMESTER

2. Follow my budget/be financially stable:

I even made a spreadsheet yesterday outlining my income and where everything needed to

go. Now I just need to STICK TO IT and stay organized.

3. Read a lot more. 2-3 books a month that are not required for school

Reading Dear John now. in the following weeks I have lined up: Wicked, The Picture of

Dorian Grey and Brave New World.

4. Buy a Digital SLR.

My budget includes setting aside money every month for the chelsie camera fund. It may take me a long while, but i decided that it will be worth it.

5. Three A's in the winter semester, and bring my GPA up to a 3.5 by the end of the year

6. Start every morning with a prayer.

I have been really good at saying my night prayers, but morning is never a go for me

7. Work on trust issues.

Try to not clam shut with new people, but know where the line is about giving out too much information

8. Go some place I haven't been before

9. Be genuine.

For some reason, I have really wanted to work on coming across as a genuine person. I think that is because my favorite kind of people are genuine ones, but also because I want people to love me for me instead of some alteration of me that I might revert to in order to gain acceptance. This goes hand in hand with trust issues though.

10. Write letters/emails frequently to my missionaries, especially Mike and Brett.

I do not want to get caught up in my own life and let them slip away. I miss them so much.

11. Floss.

My dentist said that i need to work on this.

12. Take care of myself better, physically and emotionally. Know when to say when.

13. Learn to accept my flaws and understand that people who can't don't matter.

this is on going.

Okay. there they are. goals and resolutions for the new year.

ready.

set.

go.

bring it on.

Resolutions of 2009

Well, it's almost time to start compiling my list of goals/resolutions for the new year, but before I do that, I think I need to check in one last time with all of my goals and resolutions from this past year.

My goals for the semester:

-Get two-three A's in my final grades I GOT TWO A's! AND THE REST B's!

-Pass math! Do not miss any more homework and take more time to read chapters and understand the material PASSED MATH WITH A B-!

-Do not miss any more assignments in science or education Done!

-Re-read history chapters and take notes from the book. well, i didn't take notes from the book. but i highlighted a lot more and applied myself a lot more to reading and memorizing.

-Make time for the library. Two to three times a week! not so much. I did go to the library more frequently this semester then any previous semesters, but I wasn't good at keeping it at a regular schedule.

-Schedule out my day and follow through with it Back to those post-it's that outlined my days perfectly at the end of the semester. If only I did that sooner in the semester.

Assessment: I consider this pretty good. I got the grades I wanted and I applied myself and worked hard this semester

Goals for working on myself: (from this summer)

1. Work on being Selfless, especially when it comes to my family-I know i've been better at this, but there is always room for improvement

2. Attitude. Always try to be positive. Every unhappy situation that comes around, try to find the silver lining. i have an FHE brother who has kept me in check with this one for the last few weeks. I think I'm finally getting there.

3. Being Active. Stop laying around and sleeping because I feel like I'm going nowhere. I am going somewhere. Between school/work/The Locus/winter adventures I feel like i'm doing well in this department.

4. Don't believe in limitations. Accept that I need to make adjustments, but do not look at them as limitations. I am not limited. I consider this a huge check off in the last few months. see my post about limitations here:

And here are the goals/plans I want to accomplish this summer:

1. Work as hard as possible and save as much as possible so that I can be as financially secure as possible when I am back out West. Check. I did well in this..

2. Take Hamilton out to school. Check? Hamilton was a go until he had a meltdown. But I have Cazz at school not..

3. Eat healthier and work out. Lost some weight. No check. I fail at eating healthier.

4. Play my flute more often so I am ready for flute chior in the fall. Check. Flute choir has been my saving grace this semester and I have improved my playing/breathing technique times a million.

5. Read. half check. I've read, but not as much as i wanted to.

Let's check in with my New Years Resolutions:

1. When I need help, ask for it or accept it. This always needs improvement, but I'm getting better at asking for help.

2. Don't spend my money on things I do not need.I am either really good at this or really bad at this. Part Check,

3. Get off of academic probation. CHECK

4. Call my sisters more often. Check! i talk to my sisters at least once a week

5. Go to California. CHECK X2,

6. Make my parents proud. CHECK! i got off probation, worked during the summer, brought my grades up this semester, and am working a job.

7. Learn to do what is best for me, even if it isn't what I want. ugh. not fully here yet. but getting here. the letter being sent to BP is a huge testament to that.

8. Keep in touch with my friends back East more. still part check

9. See the beauty in everything. Check. i would have to be blind to not appreciate Sunsets in Idaho

10. Sleep more. CHECK!

11. Tell the people who I love that I love them more. I end every phone conversation with I LOVE YOU BYEEEE! CHECK!

12. Don't let distance come between the people who matter the most. I am going to say CHECK to this because I am still close with the people who are far away, particularly the ones who are now serving missions.

13. Let people care about me. I have gotten a lot better at this in the winter, digressed a lot in the summer and beginning of fall, but I am finally getting back to the point where I can let people in and let them care. CHECK!

14. Learn to accept my flaws and imperfections and understand that the people who can't accept them do not matter. this is on going struggle for me. I am beginning to love who I am, but that doesn't mean i can easily accept that some people might not like that person.

All in all, i think that i did pretty well this year. This was the first year that i periodically checked back in with myself and stuck to my guns. (Thank you Alexandra, for you example) I am proud of how far I have come. I think that as i get ready to set new goals/resolutions for the coming year, I would like to give myself a few more "tangiable" ones, so that way I can measure my progress a bit more easily.

but still. this was good. this has been good for me.

keep going, chelsabelle.