Observations on the end of the year

2012 is ending and I might as well be in shock because I keep on forgetting about it or denying it. There is no way that this year is over; no way that 2013 is here. Since Dustin stepped into my life back in that fated humanities classroom in 2010, 2013 seemed like a far-off fantasy or dream; something I would always be working towards but would never actually see. And here it is; literally waiting for me just around the corner and by this time next week, I'll probably be sitting next to him or hugging him or just watching him (in a non-creepy way, of course). It scares and excites the living daylights out of me and as I told Elder Craig today as he asked me how I felt: I just can't think about it too much or else I'll go crazy.

And so I've been putting around my home in New Hampshire, reading books and playing guitar and watching both seasons of Downton Abbey with my mom and sisters in the span of four days. Trying not to think too far ahead and instead, reflecting back.

Back in the beginning of June, when my world was filled with construction paper and daily meals of rice and small hands constantly holding mine, I got an email from a girl who had stumbled across my China blog and who was planning on coming to teach at Daguanghua in the Fall. We kept in touch throughout the end of my stay and into the beginning of her trip; I tried to prepare her as much as I could for life in China and for the way those kids would change her life. She just got back into the States and I had the chance to look through her photos. Precious faces with those same big grins that I had grown accustomed to beamed up at me through my screen and I swear I could almost smell my classroom again and hear the constant babble of Mandarin coming down my hallway. My heart misses those first moments of waiting for my students to come down that hall and hug me every day.

Looking back, I still can't believe that I spent the first half of this year living in CHINA of all places, teaching English to second and third graders. I can't believe that I actually mastered chop sticks, that I learned how to kill roaches without crying and that I walked up and down 286 steps daily. It's all a blur now, but a vivid one. I can recall small and random details without trying; sometimes I catch a glimpse of the animal cutouts hanging on my classroom wall, Beth's toothless smile or the kittens we rescued from the bushes. I can still smell stinky tofu in the night market downtown, see the isles of DVDs that we would pour through every Friday night and remember some of the dance steps we learned from the weird workout class at Happy Gate. I remember the early mornings I spent on the rooftop of our hostel in Yangshuo, listening to the little village come to life and looking over the river and into the mountains and thinking "How on Earth can I ever go back to normal life after experiencing this?" And I remember the day I said goodbye to my kids and Jane walked down the hallway backwards, waving and repeating: "goodbye, teecha, I lovah you."

I guess that's how I know I have really changed; really grown from those experiences on the other side of the world. To look back at those small details from China and to still have tears seep out of my eyes because I am so moved by them. I miss my little ones in China; miss the simple life I lead there when everything I did revolved around their well-being, their education, their happiness. Giving those kids the English language in a country where their prospects of a "good" life are so slim is one life-changing thing, but loving them, not only in the American way, but in a way that Christ would, is really what did it for me, I think. I have never understood sacrifice so completely until I served in China; nor unconditional love. And while I still don't think I will ever grasp those concepts completely in the sense of my Savior, I do think I understand it a bit more.

These are all my random thoughts on the brink of the last day of 2012. I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this was; I just wanted to put them all down-remember them. I really loved this year; loved who it taught me to be and the person it inspired me to become. I hope I make those kids proud; hope that I am still worthy of that unconditional love they constantly showed me.

But, of course, as sad as I am to see this year and all of my adventures go, do not be completely fooled. Because I am so incredibly excited and hopeful for this year, and the things to come.

I am looking through a telescope lens; and I know I'll see him soon.

hump day

My weeks seem to be flying by fast and I'm grateful. I'm so busy this semester and I'm trying to stay on top of everything, but no matter how much time I invest on campus, I am still somehow always behind. But I'm learning. I'm prioritizing. And I'm improving.

Sometimes, I feel inadequate. But there are moments when I'm sitting on my bed, listening to Sam tell us funny stories about her little brother, and laughing with all of my roommates. There are moments when I just feel so good about where my life is, and even if I'm not perfect or I'm flawed, I'm trying to be better. And I know that is all that matters.

And sometimes, you just need a few minutes with your roommates; knelt in a circle on the floor, united in prayer to re-energize you and motivate you to get through the rest of the week.

Grateful tonight. Now, just a few more paragraphs and my mid-term essay will be done!

observations at the end of the seven week break.

I'm wide awake at 6:00 AM and this time, I can't blame the construction workers across the street, because they didn't start hammering away until 6:30. My alarm was set for 9:00, but I guess that plan went down the tubes. Anxiety gnaws away at my stomach; my jaw aches as I try to stay away from one more does of advil before I go visit the dentist this morning.

I get thoughtful at times like these; in the early morning hours when I'm supposed to be sleeping or in the mid afternoon lull of transitioning seasons. I feel the pull to write; and I never know what will end up coming out of my fingers. I just know that I have to something in written word; to document it all as I experience it.

I look back at my goals for this seven week break and realize that I obtained almost none of them. The every day routine of getting up, going to work, and coming home sucked me into a monotony that was only punctured by the empty ache in my gut that belongs to China. Maybe I needed the down time; a break from the crazy life I have lived this year. The constant traveling, working, serving, loving-it can all be so exhausting at the end of the day.

But living life in a way that leaves you tired at the end of every day, and not just sleepy, but tired...well, I feel like that's the only way to live. It means you've worked your hardest; loved the loudest and above all, let nothing escape you. No regrets. Just living fully.

And I realize that I want to come home every day, tired.

One year

One year, 12 months, 365 days, 8,760 hours ago, I made one of the toughest goodbyes I've ever had to make. My life completely changed as I watched my best friend leave for two years to serve a mission for the LDS church and I had to learn how to adapt to his absence after living a life that was used to his constant presence.

And here I am, exactly a year later from the day I told Dustin that through a telescope lens, I'd see him soon. And yes, I'm so different from the girl I was that day. I've grown so much over the last year; I've learned the importance of service and the importance of sacrifice. I've learned how important it is to fight for my dreams and to fight for those I love.

And I know Dusty is different too. He's learned so much from the last year of serving the Lord and through the circumstances he's been placed in. I've seen, first hand, the difference he's had on the lives he's touched and it's been incredible. He's truly making a difference here, in New England.

But here is the thing: we still grew together. And at the end of the day; after a whole year of letters (and five months without anything) I can still confidently say that he knows me better then anyone else. And that he continues to inspire me and teach me every day. I am the best version of myself I have ever been because of him and the profound impact he has had on my life. And I think that's what real love really is: when he helps me to be the best version of myself without taking away who I am on my own. Did that make sense?

Basically, I love him. And now I only have a year left until I get to have him back; and words cannot describe how excited I am for that moment. But, until then, I am excited to see what this year holds for us and the lessons we'll continue to get to learn and teach each other.

Happy 1 Year, Elder Carr!

And through a telescope lens, 

I'll see you soon.

Over five years later

and sometimes I still get a shock of surprise when I reach up to touch my head and find hair.
Being alive never ceases to amaze me. And I am grateful for every day that I wake up.

This, I believe...

That nothing is more comfortable then sitting by a wood stove in the winter.

That hot chocolate is better with whipped cream and candy canes.

That crock pots are necessary for every kitchen.

That knee socks and leggings should be worn all day, every day.

That the Patriots are the best team in the NFL, but Drew Brees Vick's vapor rub commercials are precious.

That wisdom teeth are over-rated.

That his service is blessing my life in ways I could never have imagined. And I'm so grateful for him.

thai food tuesdays

Well, things are finally starting to settle after the most insane weekend of my life. Having two roommates get into a serious car accident is just not the way to start off a brand new semester. It's scary and stressful and downright sad. Luckily, things are starting to look up for them and are starting to improve.

I realized, as we drove down to the hospital Saturday night, that there is a reason why I needed to be back here, and why I needed to be in this apartment with these two girls, along with my roommates Sarah and Whitney. As we drove down to IF, I knew that the first thing we needed to do was pray. And the second thing was to call our bishop and put the situation in the hands of a priesthood holder. I think that my time in the hospital over the last five years of my life has taught me how to calmly approach these kinds of situations-even if I am freaking out internally. That skill really helped us on Saturday and Sunday. I was needed here. There are no coincidences. I have learned that a lot this summer and continue to learn it while I'm back here. There are absolutely no coincidences. I am always where I need to be and I am always surrounded by the people who I need to be by. And missionaries are always sent to where they are needed most.

I love my new apartment. It is so nice. I will give you all a tour in the coming days, but I love the change of scenery. I love where I am located according to campus. And I love that I am so close to so many friends. I love my roommates Sarah and Whitney-Saturday night really brought us together. I love being back at work. I love spending time with the girls I work with and becoming friends with them and not just co-workers. Sunday night, I had a girls night with Sam and Rachel and we watched a movie and ate "glazed cake" (a complete and total delicious accident on Sam's half). We laughed a lot. It was a much needed pick me up.

I am in love with the two literary classes I am taking on campus and I already adore my professors. They are both so funny and will keep me on my toes and challenge the way I view things.

I love that I will be getting mail soon from someone who I love to pieces.

And I love Thai food Tuesdays with Paige and talking about China and making plans to make it happen.

Observations on the last night of Summer 2011

This is a record. It's not 10:30 and I am all packed, checked in to my flight and tucked into my bed. My window is open and I have the comforting sound of an autumn drizzle seeping into my room. I can't believe I'm leaving for Idaho tomorrow. It's surreal. When I came home in April, it was 100% positive that I was going to be home until January. And when my knee healed faster then anyone anticipated, I was faced with one of the hardest choices I've had to make in a long time..whether to go back to school this fall or to stay snuggled in the security of oak and birch trees, here in New England.

I'm thinking about this summer and how incredibly different it turned out to be from what I was planning on it being. For one thing, Dustin's reassignment to this area blindsided me out of nowhere. Working at camp and serving with the Yorks and Bratts every day for 4 solid months was another thing I never saw coming. My primary class, teaching with the sister missionaries, getting incredibly close to my little sisters and of course, becoming an official five year survivor; all things I didn't expect. This summer was supposed to be about me and healing from my knee. I wasn't planning on doing anything else except focusing on myself. And boy oh boy, did this summer turn out to be the exact opposite. I have never worked harder or served more or had to rely on my faith more then I did this summer. I've never sacrificed  so selflessly before. And the biggest thing is that I did it all by myself. No best friends or boyfriends this summer. It was just me and God. And I'm so glad it was, because I needed to learn some things.

I love New England. I love my home. I love that I was raised here and that I have that stubbornness that runs in the Northeasterner's blood. I love who it has helped shaped me into this summer.

I've never been this torn about leaving home. But I am tonight. I might even cry a little.

But I will also probably cry when I'm reunited with Symone tomorrow afternoon, so you know, it comes full circle in the end.

I love you, New England. I'll be seeing you soon.

this morning

I woke up with the single thought that my life is anything but ordinary.
and I wouldn't have it any other way.
If people were rain, many live as a drizzle.
I choose to live like a hurricane.

quiet nights

I love having time to myself and being introverted; curling up with a cup of tea on an absolutely perfect summer night and being alone. It's during these rare moments that I find myself staring out my window and watching a tiny city of lights blink against the crow's black wing of night and allow myself to be whisked away to another time and place. I go over lists and goals I have, or examine the finer details of what makes me who I am. I think about where I want to go or what I want to do with my life and I travel down the various potential paths to test the waters with barefooted toes of determination. I dream. I make plans. I listen to the rumbles of crickets hidden in the grass and the wind breathing through the woods and I realize that this is my life, and I can do whatever I want with it. When I think of it that way, it's almost intimidating. I can do anything, I can be anything, I can go anywhere; so much power, so much potential. My life is what I make of it. It's empowering. I am filled with desire to improve, to change, to become, to do my best, to make my second chance at being alive worth something so that at the end of the day someone can say: "Yes, I'm glad we gave her a second shot."

Morbid? Maybe a little. I just want to make someone proud. I want to be deserving of my life. 

So, on these quiet nights when it's jut me and a warm mug of chamomile sitting in between my cupped hands; my eyes glossed over as I stare out into the blanket of black, I fill up with gratitude. And then I make my lists and I set my goals and I go to bed ready to wake up and prepared to do my best.

In this crazy world where there is never enough time in the day to get everything done, it becomes very easy to lose track of one's self. Getting caught up with the day in and day out routine slowly erases the finer lines of a soul; blends them into unclear images that eventually get lost in that grey area. So it's important to me to set aside a quiet night here or there to take care of myself and to refocus and recommit to my goals. It's taken me a long time to learn how to invest that kind of time into myself; but let me tell you, it has made all the difference.

No matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful. 

Dear 16-Year-Old Me, love Chelsie

Dear 16-Year-Old-Me,

I know you are facing some really tough stuff right now. I know that at times, you feel pretty hopeless and tired. I know how terribly scared you are and I know how sick you feel. I know you feel discouraged and heartbroken and at times, totally alone in your fight. I know about the tears you cry when no one else sees you, I know about the pain, both physical and emotional, and I know how hard it is for you to loose the use of your left leg and to become crippled. I know you don't think anyone will ever understand how you feel...trust me that I do.


I want you to know, and to never forget, that you are loved, and that the fight you are currently fighting will always be worth it. Your life is worth it. And I want you to know that you will make it through this battle, and come out a better person for it. Keep staying positive, despite every set back you face, including those week long hospital stays, the mouth sores, the infections and the fevers. Chemo is nasty and it will give you a run for your money, but you will finish it and your hair will grow back! Learn to love every simple and small moment you have, never take anything for granted and don't forget about the lessons you learn during this year. Get as involved as possible with the kids around you; even though you will experience the heartbreak of losing a lot them-they will change your life more then you could possibly hope to help them, and they will fuel your fire to keep fighting.

Be patient with your dad, he's doing the best he can while mom is with you. He loves you and worries about you and wants you to be okay. Tell Juli how much her friendship means to you often, because it turns out that she'll be the only true friend who sticks this year out with you. Don't worry about the kids in high school who forget about you or who just stay around because of obligation-they won't matter in a couple of years and you will care less about where they go and what they think of you. You don't need to value your worth on what other people say or think; you are the only one who can be a judge of that.

Listen to the doctors, because they know what is best, not you. Trust them; they are keeping you alive.

Work hard in school, even math, and especially English. Spend more time talking to Mr. Gaucher and Mr. Adams, because they will inspire you to major in English and to teach. Do not let anyone's comments about your limp, your cancer or your feelings get you down-they don't understand and they won't, so don't waste your breathe trying to explain. You will feel lonely, but remember that you aren't alone. Count your blessings, name your miracles and I promise you that after high school, it will all get better.

Go to the ocean often, drive with the windows rolled down and as much as you love Hamilton, remember that he is just a car and he won't be around forever. Don't worry, Dad keeps his promise and you will quickly fall in love with Cazz. Regardless, remember what those cars mean and represent to you and love them for that, not for the material possession that they are.

College is going to change your life and who you are. You are going to make some of the best friends you will ever have and you are going to fall in love (the real kind) with your best friend. You are going to really figure out who you are and who you want to be, and you are going to love yourself again, and even better, you will love yourself because of your flaws, scars and imperfections. You are going to look back on these years and see God's hand in this trial. Try to look for it now. He's not going to leave you alone to fight this by yourself, so don't be afraid to lean on him. He will never leave you comfortless.

Chelsabelle, I want you to know how proud I am of you and your determination to keep fighting the good fight. I know how hard it is to stay positive when your life is so drastically changed, but I'm glad you try your hardest to look for the silver lining. Keep choosing to be happy, and always remember that you are alive for a reason. Survivor's guilt is tough stuff, but focus on your purpose for being here and it will be okay. Never apologize for feeling things, you are human and it is your right. It's okay to cry about the things you have lost, but don't dwell too much on it. I know how tired your body is, but I promise you that when the time is right, and when the technology advances, you will have the opportunity to get most of your life back. It will be another long fight, but as always, it will be worth it.

You will never be able to turn your back completely on this year. You will always have to look over your shoulder to make sure you are still clear. But I promise you that one day, you will be thankful for this trial. You will see how it was necessary and needed to help you become who you are today, and you will love it for that. Hold on to that.

In five years, you will be walking limp free again and I know that seems utterly impossible right now, but it will come. You will be planning on teaching English in China and nothing is going to stop you or take away that dream. You will have the opportunity to support the love of your life on his mission in the most unusual circumstances, but you can do it and you will learn so much from it, so don't shed too many tears over it.

Your life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Hold on to what you know and stay true to yourself. Believe in miracles and you will see them. Say your prayers. Tell your family you love them. Write often and read even more. Learn languages. Set goals and then work hard to achieve them. This is YOUR life, and no one else's. You can do whatever it is you set your mind to and nothing will stop you or change that, not even cancer. I believe in you.

Love Always,
Chelsie

Guest Blog: Aisha

Meet Aisha, a super spunky and lovely lady from the West Coast! I've known who Aisha was since my first semester in school because of some friends that we had in common, and then I had the fortune to live across the hall from her for the last few semesters. She always said hi to me in the hallways, and that always made my day! She's currently preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church, which I find so inspiring! See what golden nuggets of life advice you can get from her letter to her 16-year-old self...I got a ton!



Dear 16 year old me,
First off, calm down and stop your worrying. You will soon find out, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH! You don’t need to please everyone and you will waste your time doing so. 
Next, LOVE YOUR FAMILY! Stop being so embarrassed by them and annoyed by them. They love you more than you know. Family is the most important thing and they are going to be there for you no matter what. Help your Mom, she will appreciate it. You don’t need to go to college to see how wonderful she is. Be patient, she is doing her best. Call your grandparents more, write letters, show your love. Don’t regret your relationships with your family. Right now it seems like your family doesn’t care but in a few years you will understand you have 4 parents who love you, (younger) brothers who will do anything for you, an amazing cousin you will talk to weekly with about books, movies, religion and so much more, and an Uncle and Oma who will come across the sea. They all love you and you love them. 
Stop holding grudges, they get you nowhere. Grudges will just make you worry more. There is a girl who will say some nasty things about you and break some of your friendships, don’t worry about her. We all know she is unhappy with herself and makes others feel that way.
When it comes to high school, live it up! Stop hanging by the vending machines with the stoner kids, judging people. You will learn a lot from them and appreciate the relationships you gain but you can get to know so much more. You aren’t going to be involved in school activities and you will regret it but you will get involved in college but still, get involved in school. Try harder in your German, Oma and Mom will appreciate it. You can have the gift of tongues, you doubt yourself too much. 
In 2007, your stake will go on Trek to Wyoming; this will change your life and testimony. It might now seem like you can make it in this world, but remember those pioneers, they did it so much to bring this gospel to the West. Your Young Women’s leaders love you and when they talk to you about your life, don’t take offense. They really want you to do well. Don’t stop writing because of that ONE lady in your ward, just because she is annoying doesn’t mean you are “sticking it to the man” by stopping. You will regret it!
You will get your license at 17 and two weeks later you get into a car wreck. Well, you back up into another car. Your parents will be very upset but its fine. Everything will be worked out; you just have a car for a while! (:
You are going on a mission, prepare keep yourself worthy. You won’t officially know until October 2010, but you are going! Your mom will fight it, some won’t understand. Just know that the Lord loves you, your Mom is going to come around, and you will get the money! Even at 21 you still don’t know what you want to do with your life but once again, STOP WORRYING! Stick to your goals. You want to run a 10k, get your motorcycle license, own a Pomeranian, and join the Peace Corps. After the Temple to Temple Relay you can do anything! Finally, your best friends will be made at school and they will support you in so much. You will cry, a lot and laugh even more. Just remember: forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
Love, Aish.

Guest Blog: Paige!

Meet Paige, from fjdklaf; so im paige. She's seriously one of my favorite reads in my little blogging community; and she's done some really awesome things with her life and I've learned a lot from reading about her adventures. She's got such a golden heart and such great fashion sense and I loved what she had to say in her guest blog letter. 

To my 16-year-old me,

I believe that if I had known four years ago what I know now, I’d probably be in a better place. I’d probably be more successful, and definitely a little happier. So to you, naïve, young, cautious me of the past, I impart upon you my thoughts, advice, and wisdom of what is to come.

Be good to Mom. She’s put a lot of time, prayer, love, and worry into raising you. Don’t let it go to waste. She doesn’t deserve all the times you’re disobedient or disrespectful. Say something sweet to her everyday and go out of your way to be helpful, loving, and kind. Be honest with her. Respect her rules, though you may think they are unnecessary, foolish, or begging to be broken. Make an effort to improve your relationship with her. Because one day, you’ll realize she’s the only person in the world who has been there for you always. And you won’t want to have jeopardized the bond you’ve built with her. Remember that she is on your side, and wants nothing but your happiness and well being.

Work hard, really hard. In Algebra 2 when Ms. Smith has gotten on your very last nerve and you’re sick of being a sophomore and want nothing but for the year to be over, don’t stop doing your homework. Because if you do, you’ll end up with a pathetic little D on your report card that will upset Mom, ruin your GPA, and get you grounded for most of the summer, leaving you without a car and without a phone. And junior year, make sure you kick butt in your AP classes. Because I’m almost certain that if you do, you’ll get into your dream school. Trust Mr. Sickel and try out for Select Choir when he tells you to, not a year later. It turns out you’re good (who knew?).

You know that boy in your Spanish class, the one who eats lunch with your group of friends? Well, you guys are going to become best friends. And then you’re going to fall in love. And when you get into a really big fight, don’t be too upset with him. If you do, your friendship and relationship will end. And you’ll both be hurt. Let yourself love him. He’s the real thing.

Call Grandpa as often as you can, just to tell him you love him. Because senior year he’ll be gone, and you won’t be able to tell him anymore. And when you have to go live with Grandma for the summer after your first year of college, be excited about it. Because you’re going to find out how great she is, and how much she loves you.

Don’t be afraid; of making new friends, of trying new things, of being yourself. Be nice to absolutely everybody. Even the ones who are mean to you. Because the best advice you’ll probably ever get is to “kill them with kindness.” And it works so much better than being mean right back. Keep that in mind especially junior year.

When you’re 19 years old, you’re going to go to Ecuador for three months to volunteer in the orphanages. So make sure you pay attention in Spanish class! I mean it; learn as much as you can. This experience is going to completely change your life. You’re going to serve with girls who end up becoming life-long friends. You’re going to fall completely in love with some of the cutest, most perfect children on the planet.  Enjoy every single day, because when you come home you’re going to want to go right back and you won’t be able to. And while you think you’re so wonderful for changing their lives, they’re going to end up saving yours.

Don’t worry too much, and don’t sweat the small stuff. But the most important thing to know is that life goes on. High school ends, memories fade, people you thought were your friends turn out not to be, and things get tricky sometimes. But life goes on. There is something bigger and better than right now. Live in the moment, but don’t forget to dream. Make goals, make plans, and think of the bigger picture too. These are nowhere near the best years of your life. So just hold on. You can do it. You were born for this.

Love,

Paige

Guest Blog: Symone!

Hello, dear readers! The name is Symone from The Thing About Icebergs Is..., and Chelsie asked me to do a guest blog. I am so honored that she asked me to do this! Anyways, Chelsie asked if I could write a letter to my 16-year-old self, so I did. I felt there were some things that needed to be said. :]










Dear 16-year-old me,

Why hello, darling! I know, this may seem strange to you, but I have a few things that I feel you should know. 

First off, it’s okay to not have a boyfriend. I know, I know. It seems cool to have one, but you JUST TURNED 16. Do you really feel the need to have one that badly? Trust me; it’s totally, 100% okay to be single. There really is a reason why the church has asked that teenagers wait until 16 to do group dates, and 18 to do single dates. But, even though you choose to not follow that advice given, it’s okay. You will eventually learn the joy in not having a boyfriend. You will do things for you, and you will see that you really CAN live without a boy dictating how you feel about yourself. 

Second, your parents are really looking out for you. You may not see it that way, but they do love you and only want what is best for you. You are at the age where you think you know everything, and that no one understands your point of view, but trust me. Mom and dad understand more than you think. You don’t have to fight with them over stupid things; they won’t matter in a few years. 

Third, there may be some people in the next few years that may do things to you that you never imagined happening. They may find ways to truly crush you and make you hurt in ways that you never thought you could never hurt. Believe me when I say that you will become stronger. You will be able to help those around you feel better, and you will be made whole once again. Trust me, everything will become better for you. 

Fourth, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! No matter what anyone says to you, or allows you to feel, you are a beautiful Daughter of God, and you will be treated as such eventually. Do not give up hope. Not everyone will treat you in such a poor way as you will be treated within the next few years. 

Here is the most important thing that I feel I can tell you. Do not give up, period. I know that there will be times where those things that you learned at Church won’t make sense, or will make you feel horrible. You will make mistakes, and you won’t know how you can ever get back to feeling like you really belong within the Church. Let me tell you something. You will ALWAYS have a place within the Church. Even if it’s a hard road to get back to that feeling, it will happen. You will never feel stronger in the Church than you will after going through all the trials and hardships that I know you will face. You just need to keep in mind that you are a Daughter of God, and He loves you. Even when you were doing all those bad things, He still loved you and wanted to help you. And, eventually, you will see that very clearly. Put your trust and faith in the Lord’s hands. He has a plan for you, and He will help you achieve that. I know that, at times, it may seem easier to go along with what the world wants of you, but that truly isn’t the case. The rules within the Church aren’t there to hurt you, or even to restrict what you can do. Rather, they are there to help you, and to allow you to stay safe.

Follow the rules. Know that it is TOTALLY okay to say no if you really need to. Even if people aren’t happy that you say no, it is okay. You are doing what you feel is right, and that is all that matters. Your life is beautiful, even if it doesn’t seem that way. You need the bad times in order to truly appreciate the good. Remember to pray always. Heavenly Father wants to hear from you, and you will receive the answers to your prayers. Trust me. While there may be crap people that come into your life in the next few years, there will also be so many great, amazing people who you will realize that you never could live without. They will help you more than anything, and will be there for you when you need them most. 

I love you. You have become a wonderful person, and I can’t wait to see what lies in the future. Keep your chin up, darling. You will do great things!

Love,

Misao

five years ago...

i was in the same place.

unable to walk, half of my left leg taken apart and then literally screwed back together

and my life paused while i fought to regain some little piece of normalcy back.

but the difference is that today...

today,

i stand firm in my beliefs and

i know that everything happens for a reason.

i love who i am and what i stand for and who i've become from fighting for the last five years.

i know what it's like to work hard for something

and to never give up.

i know the value of true friendship, and true love.

i've learned how to stand up for myself and my body

and 

i believe in miracles

but most of all:

 i am cancer free.

five years ago, my life changed forever.

and today, i've never been more grateful for that day.

=]

Five Years and Counting

February marks five years since I started my cancer journey. February 2nd was the five year mark of my diagnoses. February 12th was the five year mark of my first chemo. and February 14th was the five year mark of the end of my first chemo. 

Five Years. 

This is a big deal.

They say that once you start hitting the five year mark, you are out of the woods.

If I hit the five year mark on October 16th (The day I became officially in remission) my chances of relapse are next to none.

This is a big deal.

Because there have been so many times when I never thought I would see this day come.

And there have been so many set backs and so many trials that have been set in my way that made this year almost impossible to believe in.

But here I am, slowly getting closer to October 16th.

Slowly getting to the point where I will be "out of the woods."

I am so grateful to be alive.

I am so grateful for my life.

Sarcoma knows no borders.

it does not discriminate.

it does not judge.

it does not attack a certain race, gender or age.

but sarcoma also knows true love,

compassion. generosity. intensity. kindness.

sarcoma knows how to bring people together

and how to teach the most unsuspecting 15 year old girl

how life is so fragile and so beautiful

and to never take it for granted.

Sarcoma knows no borders.

it will reach out and touch countless lives.

it has changed mine.

and i am so grateful for it.

I'M ALMOST A FIVE YEAR SURVIVOR!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!

lessons learned

if I have learned anything over the last 24 hours, it is the following things:

1. I have unconditional love and it is worth fighting for.
2. Someone above is definitely pulling for us.
3. Prayers are answered
4. I believe in tender mercies.
5. I believe in miracles
6. I know that He is going to take care of both of us while we are apart.

name them one by one

In the sprit of the holiday and i the need for me to have my own reality check, as I took the long way home from the parking lot of Alpine to the front door of The Pines. My mood considerably changed while I listed off some of the simplest things that make me happy. When it comes down to it, there is no way to deny how beautiful and blessed my life is.

I am thankful for Cazz, and for the fact that he heats up really fast in the winter cold and for roommates who let me vent when I need to and who offer good advice and for home teachers who actually come to home teach and who give me blessings of comfort.
I am thankful for letters from friends in the mission field who somehow say exactly what I need them to say, and make me laugh and realize that I am never alone.
I am thankful for tie-dye slippers and for two legs and two feet to wear my slippers on.
I am thankful for tissues to blow my stuffy nose.
I am thankful for traveling and for bosses who give me work off so I can travel.
I am thankful for music and for ipod adapters to play my music through.
I am thankful for TGIF gift cards and people who share them with me and for photo booths in the mall and for my blue bow that gave me a beautiful friendship..
I am thankful for clean laundry.
I am thankful for knots in my hair to brush out and for fingers to do dishes with, to hold hands with, to cut hair with.
I am grateful for my trials, and for the things i learn from them and the person i've grown into because of them. I've had the opportunity to really evaluate my life over the last few days and see how certain trials had a huge part in putting me here, with certain people and in a certain place and I am so grateful.

and with that knowledge, I have to remember that someone knows what he is doing and I just have to trust him.

my life is beautiful.

Did you say it?

Tell someone you love them right now. Do it. Even if you feel stupid, even if love isn't your thing. Even if you told them three minutes ago. Tell them that you love them with meaning. Even if emotion isn't your thing. Tell the person who you rely on, the person you trust the most, the person who you can't imgaine your life being empty of. Tell someone who changed your life, who made you a better person, who inspires you. Tell your mom, your best friend, you brother, your boyfriend. Tell them as if it's your last chance. Just tell someone you love, that you love them. 

Did you say it?

You never know what life is going to throw at you. And it will through a lot of things. Some come slow and with time and knowledge, some blindside you on some idle Friday morning. That's the way things are. And that's what I've learned to accept. Life will not slow down for anyone or anything; time and people and space, it'll all keep moving and changing and throwing things at you that you never see coming. You just never know.

So tell someone you love them. Because this is it. You never know when that opportunity will be gone. And most of the time, it's too late. Take advantage of the time you have right now. Make a plan. Set a goal. Live your life.  But every now and then, pause. look around. smell the roses. run in the rain. this is it.

it might all be gone tomorrow.

Did you say it?

Four Years Cancer Free!

Today marks four years of being completely done with Chemotherapy. 

and I am speechless.

I was talking to Juli yesterday and she said something along the lines of that when I was sick, she didn't believe that I had cancer and now that I'm better, she can't believe it's been so long ago. I agree. It seems like yesterday that walking up early in the morning to compete with other cars in the comute to  Boston just to recieve chemo was part of my everyday life. At the same time, it feels like forever ago that I had no hair, that I forgot what school was and that I was sick everyday for a year. I can't really explain what I'm feeling. A rush of emotions, disbelief, happiness, relief, and anxiety at the ever looming possibility of a relapse. I am more concerned today with midterms, history tests, weekend plans and teaching relief society! Recently, there has been more concern with my body freaking out, but it's still distant. Today is about being alive.

I reflect back on how thankful I am to be sitting here, to be writing this post. Four years ago, I never thought I would be here, I never thought this day would come. But I hoped. And sometimes, that is all we need to get through the hard days.

Some of you may know the story behind my make-a-wish, and many of you don't. My original wish was for an open holed flute, about a 2500 dollar instrument. Because of complications that came with the Make-a-wish foundation, I changed it and instead, my family and best friend got to go on a week long cruise during our April vacation my junior year. 
Unknown to me at the time, My Auntie M sent out a letter to many of my friends and family asking to donate to a fund so that I could recieve my flute. My high school band covered the rest of the funds, and four years ago, my Auntie M and Mr. Adams(my band teacher) presented me with the most beautiful flute I could ever ask for. How fitting is it that I will have the opportunity to play it at Stake conference this coming weekend. I am reminded about how many people love and care about me, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I wrote this the last morning of my stay at the hospital, four years ago:

This morning I wake up once again to the never-ending droning of the IV pump, alarming me that the state of the fluids it is pumping into me is near empty and that I should page my nurse so that she can hang my next Liter of Liquid.. Like any other day in the hospital, I hit the nurse call button and quiet the alarm on my iv, my constant companion this last year. There is only one thing different about today. It’s the last time I’ll have to be woken by my pole. Today is my last day on 6N.

Yes, I am on 6N. Like last week, they had five beds open up over the weekend, and they graciously arranged it for me to move down to my home away from home for my last night. I even got to pick my own room. There is no other place I would rather be, finishing up my journey, than here, with the people it all started with. Even Susanne is on.

Yesterday was an emotional day. Molly, from the resource room planned a surprise end of chemo party for me, and all of my nurses signed a beautiful card, wishing me luck and to visit often. It’s hard for me to say goodbye to this place, even though I am so excited and relieved to be done with treatment But this has been my home for the past year, and these people have been the biggest parts of my life for the most of it as well. It’s hard to accept that I won't see my Susanne, Molly, Summer, Sarah, Elizabeth, Stacie, Katie, and Vicky, Theresa every month now. This has become my life, my normal, and its going to be weird to go back to...what normal was. What is normal anyways? I forget. This is my normal. Here, in this hospital. How do I go back to the way things were?

But I think I know the answer. I don’t. Life will never be the same for me or my family ever again. It will be better. We all have better, new perspectives on life, and understand the importance of living life to the fullest. There will be a whole new normal. Not the normal before cancer. And the normal during cancer. The normal after cancer. The normal where life is always beautiful.

Please continue to live each day to its fullest. Never take anything for granted, no how small and insignificant it may seem. Enjoy the simplest things that this world has to offer. Watch the trees turn colors. Smile when you wake up to the first snowfall of the year. Drive past your house when your favorite song comes on the radio and sing out loud to it. Smile when you wash the dishes. Hug someone you love. When the elevator breaks down, be thankful you have legs and can take the stairs. Eat dinner with your family tonight. read a book with your brother or sister or with your parents or child. Continue to love endlessly, unconditionally. 

So today, four years later, I sit in my room in Idaho and I remember every moment and every trial I faced to get here and see all of the beautiful blessings and people in my life who helped me achieve the impossible.

my life is a miracle. my life is beautiful.
I am in Idaho, surrounded by people who I love and who love me. 
Last night, I felt myself breathing in time with my favorite person and I felt myself being alive.
what a beautiful feeling; what a beautiful moment.

i am so grateful.
i am alive.