A Moment

I didn't even have to think twice. He was there and he was wearing that blue tie and there was a bow in my hair and the moment I had dreamed about for the last two years was finally happening and I was running and leaping and I forgot where I was and who was around me because the only thing I was aware of was him. He was real. And he was exactly as I remembered him down to the way his hands felt on my face and his chest rose when he breathed. And there was a moment that happened. And it was like we had never been apart.

And I knew that I loved him.

One year

One year, 12 months, 365 days, 8,760 hours ago, I made one of the toughest goodbyes I've ever had to make. My life completely changed as I watched my best friend leave for two years to serve a mission for the LDS church and I had to learn how to adapt to his absence after living a life that was used to his constant presence.

And here I am, exactly a year later from the day I told Dustin that through a telescope lens, I'd see him soon. And yes, I'm so different from the girl I was that day. I've grown so much over the last year; I've learned the importance of service and the importance of sacrifice. I've learned how important it is to fight for my dreams and to fight for those I love.

And I know Dusty is different too. He's learned so much from the last year of serving the Lord and through the circumstances he's been placed in. I've seen, first hand, the difference he's had on the lives he's touched and it's been incredible. He's truly making a difference here, in New England.

But here is the thing: we still grew together. And at the end of the day; after a whole year of letters (and five months without anything) I can still confidently say that he knows me better then anyone else. And that he continues to inspire me and teach me every day. I am the best version of myself I have ever been because of him and the profound impact he has had on my life. And I think that's what real love really is: when he helps me to be the best version of myself without taking away who I am on my own. Did that make sense?

Basically, I love him. And now I only have a year left until I get to have him back; and words cannot describe how excited I am for that moment. But, until then, I am excited to see what this year holds for us and the lessons we'll continue to get to learn and teach each other.

Happy 1 Year, Elder Carr!

And through a telescope lens, 

I'll see you soon.

New Years Eve

Yes, I spent New Year's Eve with my mom and dad and sister, watching a wicked old Godzilla movie On Demand and eating bread and nommy oil dips. We're laughing our butts off as mom imitates the actors and repeatidly asks Godzilla if he's constipated. It's quite, just us four, but it's perfect.
 I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peace out, 2011.

puzzle pieces

Everything is finally falling into place for the next five months. Financial aid has come in, all my debts have been paid, my car is running, I've started purchasing necessary and needed things for China and all three of my doctors have cleared me (again) to travel abroad. I'm really going. This is really happening.

I'm about to live a dream and nothing is going to stop me. 

Tender Mercies

Today has been a day of tender mercies, and I am grateful for living a life where I can easily recognize God's hand in my every day dealings and answered prayers. These are just a few small and simple, but ever so meaningful and beautiful moments from my day today.

1. Sam gave me a ride to work, so I didn't have to walk in the cold. And I didn't have to work on Jenzabars this morning, which is good because I didn't have the ability to concentrate on them. Instead, I went to the Philanthropies office and folded boxes with Cami and Jess and listened to Christmas music.

2. I was struck with sudden inspiration on exactly what I am going to do with my Brit Lit author portfolio and creative response. It will be a lot of work, but I feel so much calmer knowing that I have a clear direction and final goal.

3. I received a happy letter. And my sweet roommate called me the second it came so that I would know.

4. My apartment complex gave us free pizza today and told us that they would not be requiring us to complete White Glove at check outs. This removes SO MUCH stress from my last week of school.

5. I found out that ALL of my financial aid will be available to me next semester, which means I have China paid in full, and extra money to put towards spending. Huge, huge, HUGE relief.

6. Mom told me she was going to help put Cazz on the road when I come home from school. New tires, new wheel baring and all. Words fail me to describe how happy and GRATEFUL I am to know I will be reunited with my little transformer in just three weeks.

7. I'm behind in school and have so much to do, but I'm calm and focused. I feel good about taking on these next few weeks. I'm stocked up on snacks and Barqs and I am planning my time out so that I will be ahead of the game. I will survive.

Happy Tuesday!

This will make your day better

It's hard to have a rough day when you start it off with this cute little guy. 

Top Five

Five things that are currently rocking my world right now:

1. I bought new skinny jeans that usually are 60 dollars for 9.99.
2. I just got a 92 on my second grammar exam.
3. The mail.
4. My cold is finally almost gone.
5. I BOOKED MY FLIGHT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! 
FAMILY! ZION'S CAMP! CHURCH FAMILY (YORKS, BRATTS, KELLYS and GROTENHUISES)! GRANDPARENTS! CAZZ MACHINE! NEW ENGLAND! I'll be seeing you soon! <3

Life last week.

1. Last weekend was my official 5 year remission anniversary. I hiked R Mountain with three of my favorite girls in celebration. It was really really really tough work and took a lot out of me and I thought about stopping and turning back multiple times. But then I reached the top. Tears just started streaming down my face; because I reached the top. I hiked a mountain and my knee didn't fail and I was alive.
I am a five year survivor. And my live is beautiful.

2. I already posted about shooting Elysha and Sebasthian last weekend; but what I didn't get to tell you was how they took me out for pizza after and came over Sunday so that Sebasthian could explain some of the photos Dustin sent to me a few weeks ago. That was really awesome. Have I expressed how grateful I am for them?

3. I have some pretty awesome friends who really love me. Like Ms. Symone; who left this really great surprise of all my favorite treats in my room on Tuesday to celebrate my five years of surviving.

A Message

Did my missionary send me a handful of red Maple leaves from New England so I could? Yep, he did.

A little piece of home from my best friend.

Happiness.

<3

my rock and my stone.

I know I've written about these two before. But I feel the need to express, once again, how incredibly important they are to me.

Symone is my rock. She's been there for me through thick and thin for over three years now. She is patient with me and she grounds me when I'm losing my mind. She puts up with my ridiculousness and my difficulties. 

Jillise is my stone. She makes me laugh and she listens to me when I'm about to explode. She validates my feelings and lets me feel them. She calms me down and helps me to see when I'm being dumb. 

These two ladies have been in my life for over three years now and I would be so lost without them. They say that a place is only as good as the people in it are, and because these two have been my roommates, friends and sisters, Idaho is one of the best places I have ever been to. 

So grateful for the opportunity Symone and I had to go visit Jillise this weekend. We laughed a lot and stayed up late, talking about life. And we ate a lot. And I was happy.

about this weekend

first of all, I love Fridays. It means no homework pressure when I come home, it means a quiet afternoon at the office, and it means staying up late and sleeping in.
Yesterday was Friday. and I did not love it one bit yesterday morning.
You see, the internet was being dumb, my tummy was being dumb, my chemo brain was being dumb (which means I forgot what I did with my debit card within five minutes) and my attitude was being dumb.
But then, I went to work, and Sam was nice to me. And Symone found my credit card and then brought me Costa Vida. And I had mail waiting for me when I came home, including a super cute thank you card from my primary class I taught this summer, and a few more pages and pictures to add to the greatest story ever told. And then, last night, Symone and I went out with Mark, Jaron and Jared. We drove around in Mark's ancient Volvo and went out to the back fields of Rexburg and star gazed and relived all of our favorite memories together from fall 2008. We talked about banana bombs and Yellowstone and dying Mark's sideburns pink and driving out to the civil defense caves at 1 in the morning. We laughed a lot. I saw a shooting star and we sang to Forever the Sickest Kids on the way home. It was a perfect night with old friends and memories to keep me warm. I was happy.
My brother opens his mission call tonight.
My world is changing, but it is still very much the same.
And I'm happy.

on being obedient.

Summer: "I have a package for your roommate"

Me: "Oh...no letters, huh?"

Summer: "No...but I do have a letter for a "Chelsabelle"?"

Me: *screams like a banshee*

"I'm glad we were 100% obedient this summer, so that this time when we could write again could be so special!"

fact:

my life would be so much easier if the mailman was nice to me and brought me a letter. All of the anxiety and anxiousness I've been carrying around since last Wednesday would lift off my shoulders, no matter what said letter would tell me. I would just know. And knowing would be so much better then wondering and waiting.

But, I'm doing okay. This summer has taught me how to live for myself and shown me that I don't need a letter every week to be happy. 'Cause I don't. I'm happy on my own, and I love that.

I'm just excited, is all.
Very excited.

I'm not dying!

I used to hate my scar. It was puckery and red and just downright ugly and it was a constant reminder about the (excuse my language) Hell I went through when I was 16. And I hated that I would never be able to escape it; that I would always be marked and reminded of the things I had lost and would never get back.

But that was when I was 16 and still coming to grips with cancer and the fact that I was fighting for my life every day. Now that I'm a tad bit older and I can see that cancer is one of the best things that has happened to me (although I never want to have to go through it again), I have learned to love and embrace my scar. It is a daily reminder that I can overcome anything placed in my way; that I was given this life because I am the only one strong enough to live it. It reminds me not to take things for granted; to take the time to walk down the drive way and get the mail because I can. Every time I look at those 16 inches of imperfect skin, I think about the people I love that are in my life because of that dumb tumor named Ricardo. It is my badge of courage. I have accepted that it will be there forever and I don't mind it anymore. And on some days, I actually love it.

Something that I had to learn to deal with since my first surgery was the awkward questions and looks that I would get. It's funny how bold people can be when they see something out of the ordinary. Or how ignorant. On an almost daily basis during the summer, I get the look up and down, the puzzled glance or a statement along the lines of: "Wow, that's a doozy! What did you do?" or "ACL injury, huh?" or "You are too young to have an injury like that" or my personal favorite: "It looks like you're dying."At first, it irritated me. Didn't people have the common decency to not ask about something so personal? Does it look like it was a simple ACL injury? Yes, I know I'm too young to have such a bad knee. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M DYING? Now, I just brush it off and skirt around it if I can. And since August 24th, I can now proudly and with great relief say: "No, I am not dying." Because, in fact, I am five years cancer free. And in the great cancer medical world, that is as closed to "cured" as I will ever get. 

Can I tell you what it's like to be five years cancer free? It's like coming up for air after being underwater for too long. It's like waking up to the sunshine after a weeks worth of rain. It's like I can finally look forward for longer then five minutes without having to look over my shoulder to make sure something isn't creeping up on me. It's like the whole world has finally opened up before me, and it's brighter and more vivid and stunning then I've ever seen, because it is. I don't take things for granted like I used to. And my life is full of opportunities that I can finally take a hold of without anything holding me back because I'm not afraid to be away from Boston for long periods of time. I'm not afraid of losing my ability to breathe. I'm not afraid of my knee failing. I'm. not. afraid. 

I guess I never was afraid of cancer coming back, because if I had to live with that kind of fear, I would have drowned. But I was afraid of having to put my life on hold in order to fight it again. But now I feel like I can finally live without that fear. I can make plans and follow through with them. I can even go to China.

So, no, man at the McDonalds in Raymond, I'm not dying! In fact, I am very, very much alive.

I believe in miracles. In second chances. In love. In God. In answered prayers. In life.

On being alive

Today, Katie and I spent the morning buzzing around camp on the ATV, unlocking doors to the cabins, opening up waterfront and checking campsites. Then, Mom assigned us the task of visiting each latrine and making sure that they had lime buckets ("if you tinkle, use a sprinkle. if you poop, use a scoop") and cleaning check-lists. The sun was shining and the air was muggy and heavy with a lingering morning haze. I let Kate drive for a bit while I scribbled notes on the clipboard in an inky red pen. We were down at the amphitheater when all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, the skies opened up and literally dumped buckets upon us. It was my turn to drive and Katie was laughing in the back as I gunned the throttle and shot up the hill towards the office; the rain drops hitting my face like a million tiny cold stings that imprinted into my skin. I could feel the water run down my knees and seep into my socks. I could feel it rolling across my checks and into the crevices of my ears as we raced through the wind. My hair was plastered in flat clumps to my forehead and my hands were turning numb in as I gripped the handles in an azure haze of oncoming water. I was laughing uncontrollably as I felt my mascara drip down in bold black lines and as Katie urged me onward in the most perfect summer rainstorm, I felt more alive then I have in months. And it was so beautiful.

opening day at camp!

First Day of Camp, First Day of Camp! And I got to officially unlock and open our front gate!

The first stake girls camp started today, and after a month of hard work and long days at camp, we were ready to welcome in our first group (thankfully our home stake, so we know all of the people we are working with the first time around!). Today (for me) consisted of hanging out in the office with Sheba baby, the camp dog, while they paved the office parking lot (lot's of loud machines makes a very scared puppadog who just wanted to cuddle):

Gassing up all camp vehicles: our three trucks, lovingly named Goliath (the F250), Zeke (our '86 GMC) and Old Blue (our ancient dodge), along with the golf cart, tractor and the ATV.

Running around camp with Mom and doing errands, like bringing recycle bins to the dining hall, unlocking the health lodge and eating Papa Kane's amazing camp meals! (tomorrow is sweet rolls and Wednesday is PIZZA BREAD DAY!)

AND! Bishop taught me how to ride the ATV because I am no longer a risk to myself with this brand new knee of mine! IT WAS AWESOME! I AM OFFICIALLY HOOKED! AND! I loved being able to do something I never thought I would be able to do-I loved feeling LIMITLESS instead of LIMITED!

Serving at this camp is such a eye-opening experience and I am learning so much every day I am up there. I don't worry about things in my life when I am focused on helping out here. I feel so much love for the people I am working with, who teach me every day! 

And, I have the wonderful opportunity to go up to camp for the rest of the week and to be a REAL LEVEL LEADER for the 4th Years (I'm old enough! WEIRD!)

So grateful. So happy. So in love with my life.

This fight was so worth it. 

hi-lites from today:

1. Symone: "I cried in the store because I was skinny."
2. Katie: "Ashley, it is your fault that I don't have any good poop literature."
3. Mom: "I'm going to pretend I'm shopping and you are going to text me."
4. Elysha: "I'm writing Sebasthian, what do you want me to tell them?"
5. Geoff: "I love you, and I know you can do it."

remembering memorial day

memorial day 2010: weirdy dreams, sleep paralysis, studying hard core for humanities test tomorrow. Quizos cravings, homework down by the river, rain rain rain, jamba juice, family guy, new friends who make me laugh hard and who don't mind my random blurbs, death cab for cutie, "there are two of us, what can they do?" "they can still SHOOT us!" my life is beautiful.

Funny to think where I was a year ago. I had a crummy knee and I was just figuring out my hip problems. I was adjusting to life in Rexburg without my brother. That weekend was the first weekend I spent time outside of class with Dustin; where our friendship started. I'm pretty sure that was the day I said: "There is no R in New Hampshire" and he laughed at me and I felt so dumb. And now, a year later, my best friend is currently serving IN New Hampshire. I am in the middle stages of a long recovery process from getting my knee replaced. I finally have concrete plans to study abroad next year. I'm making all my own plans and I'm stronger in my testimony and in my faith then ever before. 

and as hard as my days may be sometimes and as much as I miss being down by the river with my roommates, and drinking Jamba Juice and watching family guy with Dusty; I have New England, a new knee, china, dunkin donuts, and an incredible family, ward and stake that are all supporting me as I work hard to overcome my trials. I will be sitting on the deck of my beach house this memorial day, in a totally different place and time then I was last year. 
And my life is still beautiful. 

Grateful Monday!

I really liked everything about today. Seriously.
I woke up and watched a movie while I crafted.
Sheila came over to have breakfast with me and I got to give her a surprise. I loved seeing how happy she was at getting it!
I wrote letters to my brother in Seattle and to Sister Moore and burned mix cds for Paige, Tara, Misao and Jillise, which I need to mail this week!
After that, I worked on a huge service project for my parents/the stake for hours, and I loved feeling like I was helping out and putting so much time on my hands to good use. I loved knowing that the work I was doing was going to lighten a burden of my mom's shoulders and that it would bless the many stakes of New England this summer. I loved being able to give back to the church and I'm so excited for the opportunity I have this summer to keep giving back and serving.
I took a shower and then mom and I went to my first physical therapy appointment. I love my new physical therapist; she really knows her stuff, she makes sure I understand what is happening in my body and she doesn't talk down to me. And then I rocked my physical therapy appointment, because I was determined to, despite the pain and anxiety. Everything about learning how to use my leg again is hard HARD work. After a few minutes of just trying to squeeze my quad, I started to get muscle twitches and shakes. There is so much thinking that goes into moving my muscles in the right way and strengthening them. But I am determined to keep on rocking physical therapy and to learn how to walk correctly again. I'm going to walk limp free one day, no matter what.
Mom and I came home, and I called ILP and went over all the forms and visa applications for CHINA! AHHH! I have to start filling it all out this week and find my passport! I AM SO EXCITED TO GO!
We ate dinner and then Dad took us all out to an early evening showing of Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and we had a blast; laughing and being a happy family.
Came back home, and watched the season finale of M.I.O.B.I. with my little sister and now I'm going to eat some peanut butter m&ms and finish watching Harry Potter before going to bed.

I love being busy. I love living life with a purpose. I love how big service has been playing in my life right now and how extremely happy it makes me. I love seeing how being home right now; although it definitely has had it's set backs, is the right place for me right now. I love seeing plans for China coming together. I love my family and for the love and support I have here. And I love that I'm going to the beach house this weekend with Sheila and Gov and have three beautiful days of reading on my favorite deck, with nothing but the ocean and sea breeze and sunshine to keep my company.

I'm in love with life. I'm in love with living it.
Happy Monday!

an odd assortment of things.

I tend to drag anything I stumble upon to my desktop

and I've acquired a little collection of random and unrelated things that I want to post about.

hi, i would love to live here. this is awesome.

"I am free"

the to-do list lately.

oh tumbeasts.

that is all, from the sunny northeast coast,

Chelsie Caroline