I feel so discouraged about the person I am today. I feel selfish, insecure, scared and alone. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for my friends; like I will never be able to give them what others can; and in that respect, I feel like I'm never going to have solid friend base because I'm not good enough. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that things are going to be okay and that I am loved and that my friends adore me; and other times I feel so out of place.
I would love to rewind a few months back when trust issues didn't exhaust me and when i kinda liked who I was.
there are a million other things i could write about right now, but instead, I'm just going to say this:
the only thing that could make me feel better right now is if I was home in New Hampshire driving down West Road during a late summer evening in my little Hamilton with the windows rolled down.
Being alone didn't bother me then...
If I close my eyes and block everything out; I can almost hear the the purr of Hamilton's little engine and the quite rush of the warm summer evening air flowing through my windows and echoes of crickets in the woods.
Chelsie Caroline, it'll be okay. You've gone through this before, you can do it again. Remember that the shadow proves the sunshine.
this too shall pass, chelsabelle.
This too shall pass...
What i wouldn't give for that quite reassurance from the little purr of my little car in the darkening summer evening; driving through the woods of my beloved New Hampshire.
as i sit here in my desk chair, I realize that it's thirty-five minutes into Tuesday morning, but because I'm still awake and my day hasn't ended; I'm still calling it a Monday night.
The temperature in my room is so inconsistent these days and it's really driving me up a wall. Our heater heats up well past the comfort zone point when adjusted the slightest bit and the bitter cold Rexburg air penetrates through the smallest cracks in my window when the wind blows. I'm either roasting or freezing and I honestly cannot tell you which one I'd prefer because it varies with the day.
My apartment is filled with bursts of giggles and a few thuds. Erin filled the late evening with an intense Jam'n work out that Geoff made sure to join in on when he came over for a hello. It was really amusing; watching them punch and kick and to hear Erin's random interjections to keep herself motivated.
Evenings are always filled with the same faces these days and it's nice to have some consistency during a month where everything else seems to change so fast. I've re-kindled some friendships that I've missed dearly, while adding fuel to the flames of the ever growing fire of new friendships that have kept me going. I'm so thankful for the people out here who keep my spirits high and my soul safe and who understand the importance of taking long drives with me.
I'm trying to figure a lot of things out right now and I hate all of the unease that comes along with vague futures. Choices about where I need to go and be during Spring, about taking care of my health problems and about prioritizing my money in the correct way in order to make sure that I can: A: afford my car B: afford my trip to Oregon and C: afford the camera that I am purchasing in a few months. I've also been struggling with my insecurities and my fears and doubts; my self worth and trying to trust people again and trying to just let some things go.
And I'm trying to find a balance in the fact that my heart hurts from the brief conversation I had today over e-mail with someone whose voice has been silent for so long and the fact that my heart is glad to have his words back in my life; however brief and pointless they may be.
I'm trying to find balance between so many people in my life too. I have roommates; my big brother and his roommates; my best friend who i get to see every other weekend; my oregon family; the Locus Boys and of course that crazy old FHE brother of mine along with his roommates who I adore. On top of that, I have been floundering in staying on top of my school work and I am not getting enough sleep ever.
It's been a rough month, to say the least.
But as I sit here, slouched in my desk chair and look at my bed where the blankets whisper to me: "come, for here you will find rest for the weary soul", I can't help but know that I am where I am supposed to be. There is a reason for everything that has happened and everything that will happen. My trials are for my good; and as i look back on them, i can't help but be amazed at how much I have learned and grown from them.
and as I told Geoff tonight: I am thankful for my trials. and Geoff said in agreement: "Trials are really gifts."
bring it on life. I'm ready to learn and grow some more.
but please. I'm tired of having a sore hip. Think we could work on that one?
I'm a soon-to-be twenty year old brown eyed, New England girl who is currently living her life in the great state of Idaho, which offers much more then potatoes. My day isn't complete unless I unintentionally harm myself at least twice and misplace my phone three times. I take naps frequently and I am always a slightly confused huge cuddle bug when I wake up. I dye my hair a lot; usually around a time when I can't control something in my life. I wear black eyeliner after a melt down; but I don't melt down easily these days. There are only three people (Best Friend, Roommate, Brother) that I feel safe enough to express my emotions and even they don't get those easily. I am a Mormon girl and I believe in my religion with all of my heart and I don't know where I would be without it. My car is my best friend; his name is Cazz and if I'm having a really bad day the only thing that can make me feel better is going for a drive. I have three main food groups when I am at school: Frozen Pizza, Chicken Noodle Soup and Ham and Cheese sandwiches. I am a survivor. I believe in livingSTRONG. I love taking pictures. My best friend's name is Juli and our friendship is defined by three main things: Chinese food, Camping trips and The Office. I cry at any movie where an animal gets hurt, lost or dies. I wouldn't be surprised if I grew up to be a crazy cat lady who took care of every kitty without a home. Once I bought a pelican statue at a yardsale because I couldn't bear the thought of it not being bought by anyone else and being thrown away. It is still in my room back home and I love it. I can somewhat play the piano and the guitar and I can really play the flute. Making music is the only thing that I find emotional release in, but I don't do it as often as I should. My ideal kind of day is a partly cloudy, sunny day in the mid 70's with a slight breeze, followed by a late afternoon thunderstorm. I love being barefoot; it makes me feel liberated. I believe in loving unconditionally, even though it often causes heartache. I believe in forgiveness, but I am not so good at it. I push my friends to go for their dreams because I see so much potential in them; even if they get annoyed with me. I'm majoring in History Education and I think I want to teach American History more then anything else. I wish I lived in the 1920's. I love going to school at BYU-I and I've met some of the most amazing people out here who have become my second family. They know who they are. I paint my fingernails black, but that has nothing to do with my emotional state, I just like the way they look. I like to play a game with the people around me; it's called "passed it" and it involves me singing a song and seeing if I can get it stuck in someone else's head. I'm very good at it. I love going for adventures, but I don't mind having nights where I am with someone who I can just sit next to in silence comfortably. If I sing in front of you, it means that I'm comfortable with you. If I snort when I laugh, that means you really made me happy. I don't believe in limitations, but I accept that I have to make adjustments when it comes to certain obstacles in my life. I don't get discouraged easily, but when I do, it takes me a while to get back on my feet. I believe in swinging, swimming and laughter and once I have some form of project going, I can't do anything else until I finish it. I have weird trust issues and I collect random things; like playing card tins. I'm a sentimental pack rat and have tons of movie ticket stubs, brochures and random pieces of stuff from my life glued into notebooks and journals. I love it when people call me Chelsie Caroline, Chelsabelle or just Chels; it makes me feel like I'm really cared for. I also like it when people rub my head or play with my hair, but I can't handle it when people touch the backs of my arms. I have a fear of sewers and storm drains and I can't walk over them and will do any kind of funky dance move necessary to avoid stepping on them. I also have a fear of losing my luggage when flying and of flying in general. Fall is my favorite season and I have a hard time being away from New Hampshire during the month of October because I know I'm missing out on the most beautiful scenery anyone could ask for. I love Boston, not because it's my city, but because I honestly think it is the most beautiful and historical city America has to offer. My favorite smell is the smell of rain in the mountains. It's different then the smell of rain in the city or rain in a suburb; it's more fresh and alive and I love it. I like tie-dye and nintendo 64, but not combined. I love any kind of drink with strawberries in it; which is why I live off of Jamba Juice's Strawberries Wild when I am at school and Dunkin Donut's Strawberry Coolata when I'm back East. My favorite kind of text message is a goodnight text or some random memory that will make me laugh. I like to have fun and to goof off, but I also crave serious conversations and points of view. I love people who are Alive and who aren't afraid to dress up in trash bags or dance around like a crazy person with me.
But really; the people in my frequent text group on my phone, the pictures on my wall and the mix CD currently in my car sums me up pretty well.
My little 8 year old sister has leukemia. Today I visited her in hospital and she said to me
"Ellie, I know I'm going to die. But I know that I'm going to be coming back as a kitten. So after I'm gone and when a kitten comes to your door. It will be me. I will always love you. Even when I'll be a cat".
but really. sometimes I feel like I'm really disappearing.
and this time there isn't anyone around to stop it from happening.
and the thing that scares me the most is that I'm almost okay with it.
maybe if I keep on telling myself that I am not that girl, it will make the fact that I once was go away. I've been telling myself that all day for the past few days, but it isn't working. memories and the past have been coming back to haunt me. I'm quiet and the littlest thing sets me off and I'm sucking at being a friend to others. Real smiles are hard to come by and laughter is a rarity and I can't even have a decent conversation with the people who I am usually so open with. I'm not myself and the person who I've becoming is slowly disappearing and I can't stop it.
but maybe this whole disappearing thing is for the best....
This week has been weird and a little overwhelming. I've been adapting to a new schedule, new classes and new people and it's all been a little hectic. Sometimes I'm completely okay and sometimes I'm ready to melt down a little. This morning was one of those "melt down" kind of mornings.
As I was walking to my car today after class in the -10 degree weather here in Rexburg, I was thinking about how bitter I was that it was so cold and how my tummy hurt a little and how I just didn't want to go to work. and then I ran into Geoff, who gave me a great big smile and hug before continuing on to his class and I thought to myself, "I'm so blessed to have such great friends here."
and as I continued to my car, my mood seriously lightened, I started thinking about all of the little moments from the last few days that have keep me going.
saying grace over McDonald's. firesides. new roommates who have an excellent sense of sarcasm. really hot showers. taking classes with Jillise. building snow caves. reuniting with friends. wedding planning. winco. hilarious "unmentionable" talks with roommates. new dvd players. knee rubs. applebees and football. brothers. running into someone on campus who is genuinely happy to see me. sitting next to someone in complete silence but feeling totally comfortable and safe. goodnight text messages from people far away. feeling safe enough to cry in front of someone. pretending to be Kyle's wife to get his account information. The Cazz Remedy. throwing darts. guys agreeing to watch classic disney movies with us. new notebooks. Erin's dreams about Kevin and then telling Kevin about said dreams. Random visits from good friends. feeling loved.
this semester is going to be okay. I finally have a good grasp on this whole school thing, and I have a job that I am good at and have friends at and allows me to pay for my car. I have amazing roommates and I have a few close friends who will provide me the comfort, protection, fun, adventures and most importantly, love that I will need to get through the next three months, especially since there are some hard trials that I know are coming along.
my life is beautiful and I am so thankful for the second chance I have to be here, in this freezing cold little Idaho town, with all of these amazing people.
my stuff is scattered everywhere and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time getting myself to pack. There are piles of clothes on the ground, books on the desk and I'm not sure where my hairbrush went off too.
It's been a weird day.
I was going to fill today up with seeing some friends and saying some goodbyes, but of course, the howling wind raging outside making the air thick with white snow has made any attempt at leaving my home impossible. Instead, I spent the early afternoon curled up on the couch with my mom, watching NCIS and drinking hot cocoa while the fire in the wood stove burned comfortably and my kitties curled up at the hearth, drinking in the heat. Not what I planned, but I was oddly okay with it, because to me, that scene is exactly what I imagine when I picture "home" in my head. Maybe with a slight variation; sometimes I am watching the weather channel, sometimes I am curled up in the chair with a book, sometimes I am crocheting. But the setting is always the same: the warm fire in the wood stove, the kitties on the hearth and the cold wind howling outside, blowing around the snow.
But now, as I am sitting on a bed that really isn't mine, in a room that is pink and green instead of blue and looking at all of my stuff strewn across the floor and in a suitcase instead of hanging neatly in a closet, i realize that this really isn't my home anymore. It's quite a painful realization, and it scares the living daylights out of me as well, but it's true. While New England and New Hampshire will always be the place I am from, it is becoming more clear that this is not necessarily my home anymore. I mean, New Hampshire will always be home to me, but in a different kind of way. This is where I grew up, this is the place that shaped who the person I am today and these are the places where I have the fondest of memories. Yet, while being home the last two weeks has been incredible and I really am not too happy about having to leave tomorrow morning, there have been these little hints throughout the break that show me that things are different. the meaning of home is different.
The truth is, I am almost 20 and for the past two weeks, I have been referring to Idaho as home way more than New Hampshire. When it comes down to it, my life is more in Idaho then it is here. School, friends, job, car, apartment. I'm living out there, not only in a physical sense, but in a emotional and mental sense as well. I'm living out there.
It's a weird realization, a sad one, but an almost happy one at the same time. I mean, I'm really growing up. I am really making my own choices and I really am becoming my own person. I'm really growing up.
But at the same time, that thought is scarier then anything else.
One thing is for certain, though. As I sit here in my sister's old room and look at all of my stuff everywhere, the cold wind is still howling outside my window and the snow is still blowing across my backyard and the fire is still smoldering in the wood stove in my living room and I know that I will always be a New England girl.
I find the map and draw a straight line Over rivers, farms, and state lines The distance from 'A' to where you'd be It's only finger-lengths that I see I touch the place where I'd find your face My finger in creases of distant dark places
Their words mostly noises Ghosts with just voices Your words in my memory Are like music to me
I'm miles from where you are
I am laying down on the cold ground
and I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms.
snow patrol, i love youuu and I can't wait to see Dear John
i really don't want to leave New England yet. I love being home and two weeks has been far too short to see everyone that I wanted to see and do everything that I wanted to do.
that being said.
I do not want to have to be stressed out about getting back to Utah, but I already am. In true New England style, a huge storm system is moving in tonight and looking like it will stay until Sunday night. And of course it is going to hit the Coast more then it will hit in land. And of course, I am flying out of Boston (a costal city) because my father did not want to pay the extra 40 bucks to fly me out of Manchester, even though my mom told him it would be worth the extra money.
Geoff flys into Utah tomorrow morning and is already waiting an extra day in order to pick me up at the airport Sunday morning and I do not want to make him wait any longer. And if this storm system really delays my flight, (maybe moving my landing date to Monday, at the worst) I can't ask him to wait for me. classes start Tuesday, there are books to be bought and grocery shopping to be done. But that leaves me with the whole: how do i get up to Idaho if Geoff leaves without me? and how do i get to my car, which I left with Shelly and Brian in Idaho?
ugh. i love traveling but i am beginning to absolutely HATE actual traveling. This year has been the most stressful by far. The whole Hamilton Fiasco followed by booking the wrong flight when Hamilton didn't work out, and then my flight getting cancelled to boston at the beginning of break, and now I am not sure if I will get back to Utah/Idaho when I am supposed to.