This will make it better.

I'm pretty sure this goes right up next to "You are Loved" by Josh Groban.
Vocal Point preformed this Saturday night. Pretty sure I cried.
Whatever you are facing right now, this will make it better.
You are not alone.





Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes
I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Today:

I woke up with my alarm clock, and was wicked productive at work. I had my homework done before class. I fell in love even more with my photography class. I got the happiest letter in the mail from my missionary. I figured out my classes. I talked to my sister. I am getting homework done before ten. I walked a mile and a half around the track with Misao. I jogged a little. I ate healthy (Stew for lunch, Salad for dinner). I am going to shower and read my scriptures and pack my backpack for tomorrow and be in bed by midnight.

good day.
i am doin' my best.

a few things:

i think i want to double minor in photography.

i am going to go to China next year and teach English. 

and i am going to fight and overcome my knee replacement in order to do that.

nothing is going to stand in my way.

i'm 100% New England. i'm hardcore.

and i'm going to get back the part of my life that cancer took from me.

and then, i'm going to live it.

i have a second chance. and i'm going to do something with it.

that is all. 

i'm doing okay. 

i'm wrapped in security and hope and comfort and peace and determination.

i'm remembering how to be happy on my own again.

and i'm doing okay.

I'm doing my best

Falling asleep without you for just the third night in the row and I find myself praying hard and my hands tremble and my pillow is drenched in tears and smudged black mascara as I ask and hope for one more night, for one more moment, for one more second in your arms in Narnia.
and the quiet pulse of acoustic guitar seeps from your speakers propped on my desk, and the words of one of our favorite songs from your mix cd fill my room and you surround me everywhere here in this lonely little town in every way possible. And I feel your smile in every corner of every street and i miss your laugh at every table in the cafeteria and I see your back to me as you ride your bike down the hill and i feel the wind in my hair as i stretched my arms out on the back of a motor bike as we coasted down our favorite road and you screamed at the top of your lungs that you loved me more then anything and you are everywhere, you are everywhere, you are everywhere, down to the chipped blue nail polish on my toes and i miss you and i miss you and i miss you.

But I'm doing my best. I am doing my best and through a telescope lens, I'll see you soon.

Elder Dustin Carr

I just made, quite possibly, the hardest goodbye I ever had to make.
and in the face of so much change, so much unknown, so much excitement and hope and faith, my little sister, so wise beyond her years and bound to a promise she made with my best friend said:

"In order to see the rainbow, you gotta wait in the rain....or in your case, a hurricane. And then it will subside and it will be pretty overcast for a while. But don't worry. Your sunshine will come home back to shine on you before you know it."

I just said goodbye to the sunshine of my life for two years. And I really do look as if I've been standing in a hurricane. but here is the thing.

the shadow proves the sunshine.

because the sun always comes out tomorrow.

I am filled with hope.

we finished the hunger games last night.

"His voice isn't angry. It's hollow, which is worse. Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me. 
I take his hand, holding on tightly, preparing for the cameras, and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go." 

we won't say our goodbyes, we know it's better that way.

There isn't much for me to say that you don't already know.

thank you for everything.

 and for showing me what unconditional, selfless, true and pure love really is.

remember that i believe in you

and remember the bow.

you have always been, and always will be the only exception.

and i believe it. 

i will miss you something fierce,

but i know that through a telescope lens,

and when all you want is friends,

that i'll see you soon.

Ron Pope

Oh My Gosh, where has this musician been all of my life?
I'm dying with excitement. I've seriously listened to tons of his music today and I can't get enough.
And he's a fan of New England, which obviously, makes everything better.





also recently obsessed with iridescent by Linkin Park and the new Script album.

For the First Time

Oh these times are hard

Yeah they're making us crazy

Don't give up on me baby

go for it.

this can be done.

smile

Light up your face with gladness, 

Hide every trace of sadness. 

Although a tear may be ever so near 

That's the time you must keep on trying 

Smile, what's the use of crying. 

You'll find that life is still worthwhile- 

If you just smile

day brightener

Jules and Jord were at my door today. Happy surprise. We watched this. Pretty funny.

Punch Dancing our Rage out!

Don't mind our awkward dancing (or my ability to lose balance).
I just really miss my sisters today.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I just really love you.

it's snowing.

1. Too much base. I warn you as you slam on the clutch. The snow is grey and bites our hands as we dig. You are searching for something; even after the wheels are free. Following the never ending pavement, as far as she will take you. 

 

2. Void of socks. Half cross-legged, back against the wall and empty wrappers in our laps. Satisfied bellies, and I lay my head on your shoulder and watch the hem of my pants start to dry. Surrounded the constant rumbles of night life. Lost in our own moment of quiet contentment as my breathing falls in time with yours. 

3. Knee aching. Pins and needles reaching for the extremities. The echo of the wood stove burning comfortably and kitties curled up on the hearth. Deep contemplation and resolutions. The pendulum of decision making swings back and forth, with constant momentum. 

The snow quietly falls on the skylight-gathering until i'm encompassed in the soft glow of fire.

One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.

lessons learned

if I have learned anything over the last 24 hours, it is the following things:

1. I have unconditional love and it is worth fighting for.
2. Someone above is definitely pulling for us.
3. Prayers are answered
4. I believe in tender mercies.
5. I believe in miracles
6. I know that He is going to take care of both of us while we are apart.

everything happens for a reason.
just believe.

back to December

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side,

Realized I loved you in the fall.

too much on my mind. making music.

Miss B.

my mom is the best woman on the face of this planet.
and i am so incredibly grateful for her.
she always gives me the right amount of tough love and encouragement and hope
and she believes in me when I don't.

i'm entering a week that looks to be a little trying.
trying to figure out my leg infection, get caught up in school and prepare myself to SEND my favorite person on a mission for two years. It's a lot and I woke up this morning feeling pretty overwhelmed. As I tried to figure out who I wanted to talk to, or who would help me out the best, my mom called and told me she was just thinking about me and wanted to know how I was doing. We talked for a long while about a lot of stuff and as I expressed to her my concerns, she reminded me that I can do anything. I have already overcome a lot in my 20 years of life, and I can continue to do so, no matter what I am faced with.

So basically. I am just so grateful for my mom and for her support. I am excited to be home this summer (even if I am off my feet and miserable for a few months) because I'll get to spend time with her. I'm filled with renewed hope and encouragement to take this week head on, to have faith in the plan, and to love unconditionally. No one is going to bring me down.

Hello. My Name is Chelsie.

I'm 100% New England hardcore.

I'm working on being the best I can be.

for God. for my family. for the love of my life. and for myself.

i've set goals and i am going. to. reach. them.

I dare you to try and stop me.

like a stone

a pebble grows into a boulder
shaped and smoothed by time and care
but in the ocean of hope and calmness
it sinks into the gathering, deepening blue.

telestrations

I got to play some pretty hysterical rounds of telestrations with my family and adopted siblings (Leah and Alex) when I was home over the break. Once again, my mother's lack of artistic skills and Alex's inability to make sense of pictures and my inability to think quick or draw well under time constraints lead to a good time. To see my other posts on telestrations and to understand how the game works, click here.

Here are some of the funniest rounds from the night:

 Jake started with Racoon:

And everything went smoothly:

Until I drew this:

And Katie guessed this:

And Leah drew this:

Alex guessed:

And bless my mother's heart; she came up with this representation:

Alex had Gotee:

And my mom guessed:

To which Jake had NO idea what that said or was, so, he went with:

"Food and Chew"

And Ashley, puzzled, finally guessed:

And I was besides myself as I tried to draw this:

Well, at least Katie guess it right:

Leah drew it pretty well too.

Leah started this round with "Hawaiian Shirt"

Katie guessed it right:

And i tried to draw it:

Ashley guessed:

Jake drew this:

And my mother, bless her soul, guessed:

and alex finished the round with this:

This is just a section of one round that I was THIS close to getting a point from (you get a point if your word remains the same at the end of the round) I had dolphin and it was remaining the same through the whole round until Alex drew this:

and Leah guessed:

Speaking Of Alex, this his interpretation of "Plumber's Crack"

and Leah, somehow, miraculously guessed right:

and Katie drew:

But, i failed to get the whole picture and guessed:

and Ashley drew:

and Jake guessed:

and my mother, bless her heart, drew:

This round I had the word Cartwheel and I drew this:

Leah drew this:

and Alex guessed

and my mom drew this:

jake guessed:

and Ashley ended the round with:

and just for kicks and giggles, this is my mom's attempt at drawing a unicorn.

and her attempt to draw and elephant...

clearly, animals are not her strong suite.

love my family. love laughing so hard that my stomach literally aches after.

love a few hours of no fighting, no arguing, just general good company and love.

loved this moment.

white shores will call you

the memory of your warmth radiates through the illuminated screen
and images flash in a fluid montage across the screen behind my eyes.
the even breath and the constant thud reverberating in my ear,
cradled in the hollow of your neck.

slipping away, following the pull of the tide from the sea
darkness closing in and pushing me on to the horizon.
A million shades of blue, shattered from the sky and the water
and pieced together into the most brilliant mosaic
reflected in familiar eyes, waiting for the threshold to be crossed.

and as sure as i feel the warm waves rush over my toes,
and the sand, soft and velvety under my feet;
as sure as i feel the finality of the warmth waiting for me in open arms,

i know that I am home.

BE. OKAY.

giggles from today

Kevin: "Ugh, this is soooo stupid, why did I even take this class...oh. i should just sniff this cleaner."

Symone (holding up a piece of cloth): What is this for?
Chelsie: "Oh, that's for the heating pad. you can make it wet."
Symone: "....Somehow, putting something wet on something plugged into the wall doesn't sound that appealing to me."
Chelsie: "...Oh. good point."
Symone: "But we can hold on to it."

Erin: "I just want to....shove her under a blanket and hide her somewhere."

Infinite

Just watch Erin at 2:15

The Hill and The Kill

and Cazz Remedy.

My roommates and the late summer wind in my hair and just screaming our hearts out.

i love this day.

in that moment, i swear we were infinite.

we don't know which way to go.

the clicking of keys in time with the erratic beat in my chest
lightheaded. off balance.
solitude in the warm rain of soft water.
too close to summer.
it is winter now.

California Dreamin' on such a winters day.

"I like Superman, because he's highly improbable...but so is Jesus."

roommate love

Misao: "I need to get that...FFFFFFFshhhff....Fffffffffshhf....thing."
Chelsie: "I know exactly what you mean."

woodstove.

open the vent.

spirals of wispy smoke curve up into my pores,

the quiet clamor of the winding breeze bounces upon its echos inside the iron.

encore.

again, relive it again. 

the sunlight cascading through the front window 

creeps in slanted, sharp angles across the floor, reaching for my toes.

an illusion of warmth; the shadows of summer spread at my feet,

an overlay of quilted smiles, intwined fingers and the taste of strawberries, wild. 

a mosaic of barefooted bliss-the sun that stained your skin, the rain that soaked my hair,

the light pressed up against your shoulder blade.

in the subtle silence of this empty house,

a rush of resolve.

open the vent.

feed the flames and watch them thrive.

it is winter now.

observations on the new year

Writing heals me sometimes. Anyone who has been a regular reader knows that sometimes I write myself out in order to heal whatever is broken. This is one of those times. So you don't have to read it if you don't want to. This one was for me:

I need the number of a good plumber (preferably one who can keep his pants up-no butt cracks please). My plumbing is messed up. I keep on springing leaks, and sometimes there is a slight flood before I can figure out how to turn off the water. it's horrid. I'm someone who doesn't cry; and yet, I find myself constantly on the brim of a tsunami over the last two weeks. it's not me. I usually have much better control over myself. I'm never this sad.

So what the heck is going on, Ms. Chelsabelle? Why are you so sad?

My best friend asked me that last night, and my daddy asked me that this morning. I hate being asked such blunt questions-it always just opens up the flood gates, and then I can never get anything out coherently or make sense of my emotions.

I think I'm just overwhelmed. Everything is changing so fast; it's kind of blind siding me. It's the new year. December didn't seem so scary because everything that is going to change was waiting for me in 2011. And now here it is, and the first big change is just a mere twenty four days away. And in four months, another huge change; another giant battle waiting to be fought. It's staring me in the face and I don't want to look at it just yet. There are a lot of people questioning me; a lot of people doubting me and in the face of letting go of the one person who seems to understand me completely, it's getting to me.

But it's coming. all of it. and after a lot of tears and thinking and talking and writing and asking for advice, i think I finally see what i need to do. and where i need to be. and how i need to look at things.

My parents are the greatest people I know, and I am beyond grateful for their guidance and advice. My dad and I had a huge heart to heart today while we drove down to Methuen to drop off some stuff to the Stake YM's president. And I just had a tough love session with my mom, and although it was hard stuff to hear, it was the encouragement I needed to "pull up my bootstraps".

My name is Chelsie Caroline Whitney.
I am a sassy, spunky New Englander who has a firm footing in her faith and who refuses to let Cancer take anything away from her. I believe, in all of my heart and with all of my being, in living life to the fullest and with no regrets. I don't regret anything. I love every experience I've had, because it has made me into who I am. and for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I LOVE who I am. I love who I've become. I love that I love unconditionally, that I give as much as I can, that I've learned how to keep a positive attitude about the things I face. I love that I am sassy; that I am clumsy and that I make up words when I talk to fast.

I've always been stubborn, being a native New Englander and all. Stubborn is built into my bones. I've never been one to accept the compliment that I'm strong, and that I can defeat the challenges that lie before me. But I look at everything I've faced, and everything that I have overcome and all of the odds that I beat. I'm not supposed to be alive. But I am. I came out on top. And I think about everything that comes along with that; the gratitude and the blessings and the ability to just be alive. I think about all of the amazing opportunities that I have been privileged to experience. BYU-Idaho. Meeting my roommates. Seeing my best friend get married. Traveling to California and Washington and Wyoming and Montana. Falling "in love". Falling out of love. Falling in love again, and learning through that what true love really is. 

Why the heck should I cry about that? Because things are changing? I guess that is kind of a valid point, but is the reason why they are changing sad? No. Not at all, Ms. Chelsiebelle. Missions are wonderful. Knee replacements are positive.
BIGGER PICTURE.
Why should I be so sad that I'm living and experiencing so much that I thought, at one point, I would never have? What's that quote? "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Ya. That one.

I'm human. and I reserve the right to be sad about some things. I reserve the right to feel sad.
But I cannot let it rule my life, because being sad won't get me anywhere. And I cannot live in fear.
I need to respect myself and believe in myself enough to overcome all of the doubt and fear and insecurities.
and I need to remind myself that I am not alone. That I'm never alone.
I need to do this for MYSELF!

I cannot live in fear.
I'm so much better than that.

This is my life.
I have one! A second chance!
and I'm going to live it, for me and for the people I love.

I always give the people I love 110% of myself. That is who I am.
and if I love myself, I'll give myself that much too. I'll recognize that I deserve good things!


I deserve a returned missionary!
I deserve two knees!
I deserve the opportunity to go to China or study abroad or SOMETHING!
I deserve to be HAPPY!
I deserve to be everything that I am; and everything I have the potential to become.

Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. You don't need a plumber! You can fix your own leaks!
Be happy for your family, for your roommates, for Dustin, and for yourself.

you. can. do. this.

emotional roller coaster.

sometimes everything is okay and the distance doesn't hurt. 
and sometimes, there is this giant hole in my being that just won't stop throbbing and it takes everything for me to hold it together.

2011

I got to spend the first few hours of the new year with my favorite person's face. 

and I wouldn't have it any. other. way. (except maybe actually being physically with him, but I'll take what I can get)

we got to talk, the rest of my family got to finally meet him, and we read a couple chapters of our book together.

and seriously, just being able to spend time with him and see his face and hear his voice

made it the best new year's eve.

i love him the real kind!

=]

oh hey 2011, nice to meet you.

I'm going to rock you.