last night, next week.

my arms are full of mail from him as I walk out of the clubhouse. I pause to talk to Sam who is crossing the parking lot, because she is expecting a check and I thought I saw it but I couldn't remember. The cleaning agency did a good job this time, she tells me. And I start to ask her about our new roommate who pulled the fire alarm in our apartment that morning and set the sprinklers off, when there are arms wrapping around me from behind. I turn, clutching the huge pile of mail to my chest, confused. But it's him. And I'm dropping the mail and my hands clutch his suit coat and I can't let go because it's him. It was noon, I still had five hours to kill and I hadn't bothered to put my make up on and he's early because he flew in the night before and I don't care that my hair isn't done because it's him. And his parents are there, watching and smiling and I'm not afraid of anything anymore, because it is him.

hi, he says. 
hi, i say back.

instinctively, i reach out for his hand, but hesitate. He's freshly returned. Don't rush him, I think, don't rush.

But his hand reaches back and finds mine. you're real, i tell him.

yes, he says, i am. 

so soon.

In the evening, as I wind down, I can only see flashbacks and hear echoes of the days when we were scrunched down in blankets, keeping our toes warm and laughing at the funny things your roommate said. At night, I try to remember what it's like to have you next to me; try to find those memories and let them fill me up with your warmth. I can almost remember you; but it's not fully there anymore. And I miss you, I miss you. So I whisper to myself:

Soon. You'll be back soon.

And I wander through deep trenches of snow, towards the thrones on the Eastern Sea, entirely swallowed up by my dreams.

my greatest fear

I was angry. And that gave me the strength to fight.
The ground became illuminated by the stars
and I reached up and outward;
not caring. not wondering.
just fighting.

You refused to speak to me
and the silence was filled with worn tires on pavement.
The roads we have driven before;
the paths that knew our footprints.
but you did not know me.

you did not know me.

Thrones of Cair Paravel

Sleep will not evade me tonight, for the numbers on my illuminated screen confirm that my words have reached your ears. I have touched you once again, and I can almost feel you, through every single one of the 2500 miles that separate my body from yours. And as I close my eyes tonight, I know I'll find myself wandering through the furs and pines, laden with heavy snow, following the footprints of a Lion who knows my name and my face and my heart. He will lead me where he knows I need to be; and I know that my place is right next to you.

puzzle pieces

Everything is finally falling into place for the next five months. Financial aid has come in, all my debts have been paid, my car is running, I've started purchasing necessary and needed things for China and all three of my doctors have cleared me (again) to travel abroad. I'm really going. This is really happening.

I'm about to live a dream and nothing is going to stop me. 

I saw you in Narnia

and i am missing you today.

a few things:

i think i want to double minor in photography.

i am going to go to China next year and teach English. 

and i am going to fight and overcome my knee replacement in order to do that.

nothing is going to stand in my way.

i'm 100% New England. i'm hardcore.

and i'm going to get back the part of my life that cancer took from me.

and then, i'm going to live it.

i have a second chance. and i'm going to do something with it.

that is all. 

i'm doing okay. 

i'm wrapped in security and hope and comfort and peace and determination.

i'm remembering how to be happy on my own again.

and i'm doing okay.

white shores will call you

the memory of your warmth radiates through the illuminated screen
and images flash in a fluid montage across the screen behind my eyes.
the even breath and the constant thud reverberating in my ear,
cradled in the hollow of your neck.

slipping away, following the pull of the tide from the sea
darkness closing in and pushing me on to the horizon.
A million shades of blue, shattered from the sky and the water
and pieced together into the most brilliant mosaic
reflected in familiar eyes, waiting for the threshold to be crossed.

and as sure as i feel the warm waves rush over my toes,
and the sand, soft and velvety under my feet;
as sure as i feel the finality of the warmth waiting for me in open arms,

i know that I am home.

being sick

sucks. i have successfully slept away the whole evening and will be back in bed in just a few after i say goodnight to the love of my life. my throat is killing me and no amount of odwalla seems to make it feel any better.
and on top of that, i had this crazy awesome, super detailed dream about moving into this awesome apartment with my roommates and our guy friends. it was huge and our beds hung from the ceiling and we had a kitten and there were windows everywhere.
rawr.
but i better go back to bed soon; tomorrow is a chelsie/daddy day and I am so excited for it.

Hello, my name is Chelsie

I'm a soon-to-be twenty year old brown eyed, New England girl who is currently living her life in the great state of Idaho, which offers much more then potatoes. My day isn't complete unless I unintentionally harm myself at least twice and misplace my phone three times. I take naps frequently and I am always a slightly confused huge cuddle bug when I wake up. I dye my hair a lot; usually around a time when I can't control something in my life. I wear black eyeliner after a melt down; but I don't melt down easily these days. There are only three people (Best Friend, Roommate, Brother) that I feel safe enough to express my emotions and even they don't get those easily. I am a Mormon girl and I believe in my religion with all of my heart and I don't know where I would be without it. My car is my best friend; his name is Cazz and if I'm having a really bad day the only thing that can make me feel better is going for a drive. I have three main food groups when I am at school: Frozen Pizza, Chicken Noodle Soup and Ham and Cheese sandwiches. I am a survivor. I believe in livingSTRONG. I love taking pictures. My best friend's name is Juli and our friendship is defined by three main things: Chinese food, Camping trips and The Office. I cry at any movie where an animal gets hurt, lost or dies. I wouldn't be surprised if I grew up to be a crazy cat lady who took care of every kitty without a home. Once I bought a pelican statue at a yardsale because I couldn't bear the thought of it not being bought by anyone else and being thrown away. It is still in my room back home and I love it. I can somewhat play the piano and the guitar and I can really play the flute. Making music is the only thing that I find emotional release in, but I don't do it as often as I should. My ideal kind of day is a partly cloudy, sunny day in the mid 70's with a slight breeze, followed by a late afternoon thunderstorm. I love being barefoot; it makes me feel liberated. I believe in loving unconditionally, even though it often causes heartache. I believe in forgiveness, but I am not so good at it. I push my friends to go for their dreams because I see so much potential in them; even if they get annoyed with me. I'm majoring in History Education and I think I want to teach American History more then anything else. I wish I lived in the 1920's. I love going to school at BYU-I and I've met some of the most amazing people out here who have become my second family. They know who they are. I paint my fingernails black, but that has nothing to do with my emotional state, I just like the way they look. I like to play a game with the people around me; it's called "passed it" and it involves me singing a song and seeing if I can get it stuck in someone else's head. I'm very good at it. I love going for adventures, but I don't mind having nights where I am with someone who I can just sit next to in silence comfortably. If I sing in front of you, it means that I'm comfortable with you. If I snort when I laugh, that means you really made me happy. I don't believe in limitations, but I accept that I have to make adjustments when it comes to certain obstacles in my life. I don't get discouraged easily, but when I do, it takes me a while to get back on my feet. I believe in swinging, swimming and laughter and once I have some form of project going, I can't do anything else until I finish it. I have weird trust issues and I collect random things; like playing card tins. I'm a sentimental pack rat and have tons of movie ticket stubs, brochures and random pieces of stuff from my life glued into notebooks and journals. I love it when people call me Chelsie Caroline, Chelsabelle or just Chels; it makes me feel like I'm really cared for. I also like it when people rub my head or play with my hair, but I can't handle it when people touch the backs of my arms. I have a fear of sewers and storm drains and I can't walk over them and will do any kind of funky dance move necessary to avoid stepping on them. I also have a fear of losing my luggage when flying and of flying in general. Fall is my favorite season and I have a hard time being away from New Hampshire during the month of October because I know I'm missing out on the most beautiful scenery anyone could ask for. I love Boston, not because it's my city, but because I honestly think it is the most beautiful and historical city America has to offer. My favorite smell is the smell of rain in the mountains. It's different then the smell of rain in the city or rain in a suburb; it's more fresh and alive and I love it. I like tie-dye and nintendo 64, but not combined. I love any kind of drink with strawberries in it; which is why I live off of Jamba Juice's Strawberries Wild when I am at school and Dunkin Donut's Strawberry Coolata when I'm back East. My favorite kind of text message is a goodnight text or some random memory that will make me laugh. I like to have fun and to goof off, but I also crave serious conversations and points of view. I love people who are Alive and who aren't afraid to dress up in trash bags or dance around like a crazy person with me.

But really; the people in my frequent text group on my phone, the pictures on my wall and the mix CD currently in my car sums me up pretty well.

I know who I am and I know where I am going.

Hello. My name is Chelsie.

there is a world outside...did you know that?

The past three years, it has been drilled into my head that I have limitations.

I can't do certain things anymore, and I just have to accept it

I can't run, I can't jump, I can't skip.

I can't play outside when the weather is yucky.

I have to be careful.

one fall can be damaging;

can take away what little abilities I still have.

one fall can ruin everything.

limitations.

Starting this last summer, I've been facing my limitations head on.

I was heartbroken, tired, barely functioning

and I knew something had to change.

I began learning how to do things for myself,

because there is a world outside...

there is a world outside and I've been missing out

because I have been told that I can't experience it the way I used to be able to.

I've accepted it.

I understand that I physically can not do certain things anymore

and that I have to be careful.

but.

I refuse to be limited.

I refuse to be defined by my knees, or lack thereof

And so this summer, I faced my "limitations" and decided that just because certain things may be more difficult for me, or certain adjustments need to be made, I can't let the world pass me by anymore.

I learned how to belay rock climbers.

I ran around after kids all summer.

I walked the freedom trail.

I went white water kayaking again.

I hiked out to Sabbaday falls.

I played in huge waves in the Ocean and walked all the way to Salisbury center along the coast.

And recently, I've rediscovered the world of winter.

I've had snowball fights

I made a baby snow castle

I've been teaching some friends how to drive in the snow

there is a new parking lot across the street from my apartment that i've been doing donuts in.

And today I went on an adventure to Mesa Falls that involved driving into the mountains in a foot of snow, trekking in snow for a while to get to the falls, and just being outside.

and even though i might have taken a baby spill that got me feeling a little defeated

and my knee is pretty sore and swollen and I probably won't be able to use it tomorrow

i was outside and I got to enjoy the outdoors

and i went for it.

Whose woods these are, I think I know,

His house is in the village though

He will not see me stopping here

to watch his woods fill up with snow

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

but I have promises to keep

and miles to go before I sleep

and miles to go before I sleep.

I didn't say no. I didn't back down.

i am not limited.

realization: he was your best friend before he was mine. and even if he let me in more, or told me more, or trusted me more, (if what he said was true) he was still your best friend first.

and I think I understand that and I'm beginning to accept that now. and while I have moments where I wish he was still my best friend too, the fact is that he isn't. and that was his choice, and not mine. i know that i didn't do anything. and that gives me some peace.

Fact: I have way too much I want to do these days to worry about some things. and there is so much time left that I don't need to worry about these things. and the fact is: i am better off without you and without those plans to wait, because they would have held me off from realizing my dreams and goals and keep me from learning important things that have made me a better, beautiful daughter of God. every day I understand more and more that everything happens for a reason, and this happened to put me on this path and I am supposed to be going in this direction. There is a plan.

tomorrow: calls for a nap more then likely and another long stint in the library. But also, a longer visit with the boys who I've missed a lot.

reminder: be genuine and honest. keep my room clean! keep eating healthy and doing those crunches. Pray. this is MY life and these are MY dreams and I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and be whoever I want. Don't stop dreaming, not because he told me to, but because I am a dreamer. Keep my head up, don't get discouraged, keep working hard. I am improving every day and making progress and I can see it! I can see how far I have come and I can see where I want to go.

meaningful moment: "I'm glad you made it through that trial. It means that you have a purpose for being here."

don't forget: she is from New Hampshire, and she says she's gonna see it all.

FACT: I have weird dreams.

So, it is a well-known fact about me, if you are lucky enough to have been friends with me long enough to talk to me in the morning, that I have weird dreams. and I mean weird.

just an example:

two nights ago, I had a dream that I was standing outside of a gate of this big house, watching a pregnant lady walk towards it. All of a sudden, there was this dark figure standing next to me. I turned to look at him and he was really scary. It was like he was an orc, a dementor, Lord Voldermort, and a mutant from Xmen all in one. It didn't really freak me out though, which is odd. Anyways, all of a sudden, the figure vanished and I could see the pregnant lady stop and all of a sudden there were scratches all over her stomach (like in the 6th sense) and there was blood everywhere. Things blacked out and then we were inside of the house and she wasn't pregnant anymore. then, all of a sudden, I was in the upstairs of my grandparents old house. (one of my favorite houses ever). I was walking through a bathroom to get to a bedroom when my sister called and asked me if I could take her to the library. I was then in my car, which was sometime my hyudai or it was sometimes my old car, the oldsmobile. I was in the driveway waiting for her, when a lady pulled in behind me (a different one) and got out of the car. She told me that her GPS said that she could get a glass of water at my house. I went inside my house and got her a glass of water. She had a little girl with her, who I recognized to be a little girl named Amelia that I used to nanny for, three summers ago. Amelia was holding my hand, but somehow managed to pull my tanzanite ring off of my finger and throw it into the yard. 

and that was it.

weird huh? no other words for it, but weird.

last night/this morning, I had even more weird dreams. The kind of dreams that are not only weird, but they pull on your heartstrings because they put you in situations that you want, or with people that you miss.

I had a dream that my parents flew me home for a weekend. It was so nice to be back in my house, with my family. I wanted to stay for good, but I realized I needed to go back to finals week. I was then back in my apartment, and I was getting ansty because I hadn't heard from my boyfriend all day. Symone took my cellphone and called him, and someone picked up. She talked for a few minutes and then hung up. I was really mad because I wanted to talk to him. So I called him and MIKE picked up. I was really confused because Mike was in california and Brian was in florida. I asked Mike if he was with Brian and if I could talk to him. Mike told me to wait for a minute and then there was a knock on my door. I went to answer it and Mike and Brian were standing outside of our door! They had come to visit and help us pack up our apartment for the end of the semester. I remember launching myself into Mike and giving him a huge hug, and then turning to give Brian a huge hug as well. We then started to talk and laugh, and then, my grandmother, Bon-Bon, waltzes through the door to announce that she has started to cook a turkey two doors down and dinner will be ready in a few hours.

Now, my grandmother passed away a couple years ago. 

She looked great, and talked exactly how I remembered her too. 

There were a couple other things that happened that are now fading away and I can't get them back.

I just know that I really miss Brian and Mike; but that will be fixed in three days when I am in California with them. 

I really miss my grandmother. 

I woke up and my first thought was to call her and talk to her, and then I realized I couldn't do that. I haven't had that happen to me in a very long time.

My heartstrings definitely hurt.

Anyways.

I need to shower. 

A lot to get done today.

Dream on...

I got a lot accomplished in my head last night. I know that sounds weird. But even as I was sleeping, my mind kept on turning and processing and realizing and strategizing. I think I have a plan. Actually, I know I do. But what is more important about this plan is not the fact that I have one, or that I intend to follow through with it, but the fact that I finally let go of my fears and insecurities in order to let myself make one. I don't know if I will be able to get out everything that I want to or need to, but I am going to try. I need to write it down, make it concrete and tangible and real. If i don't, I will lose sight of it, and I can't afford that to happen. Not anymore.

My room is a mess. And usually, I'm indifferent about it, but lately, it's ben driving me up a wall. My laundry, although clean, has yet to be put away, even though it was taken out of the dryer three or four days ago. I have four or five pairs of shoes lying everywhere. Once again, I'm not sure where exactly my wallet is, or if my I-card is in it. Although I've been doing a lot better in my schooling, I still feel like i have no form of structure. I've been trying to call home more often, but i still feel out of touch with my sisters and brother. And I'm tired of it, of these unorganized and scattered pieces of my life. Because it's more then just my messy room, my unstructured schooling and my lack of communication with home. The little snatches of my life are only a small fraction of the real mess I feel like I'm in.

Why did I let it get like this?

This is what I came up with last night, this morning; while I was awake and while I was asleep; while I was talking to my friends and while I was talking to God, and while I was talking with myself.

It's time, Chelsie. It's time to dream again. It's time to let it all go, to leave all of the fears and the insecurities and the shame behind. It's holding you back, and has been for a while. It's time to let it go.

I've finaly come to the full realization that ever since getting sick, three years ago, that I have been afraid to dream, to look forward towards the duture, to make big goals and have aspirations. All of a sudden, everything that I had beenn working towards living for, and looking forward to, vanished. I watched as the simplest and littlest things that I had taken for granted every day of my life were taken away, and suffered the sever pain and heartbreak of losing those tings. It soon became pointless for me to even hope or look forward to the moments where it seemed I might have a glimpse of those little joys of life back. I would watch days ass by and things draw closer and then, when it finally seemed I would have something back within my grasp, it was taken away again; snatched up right in front of my eyes. And while it taught me to appreciate those things more and more, my life soon followed the motto: One day at a time. That was all I could handle, and all I could take. I stopped hoping and dreaming, because the heartbreak and fear of watching those dreams and hopes getting taken away was unbearable.

And I have not stopped living my life like that since then. Graduating, working, going to college...they were all things that I never really worked to get to. I just worked one day at a time and eventually all of those days brought me up to those points in my life. Looking back over the last semester, I realize that I was still in the rut of not having dreams. Instead of looking forward, like most college students do, I took a couple steps back. I lost one of the most beautiful and wonderful little girls to the very same demon that I face and fear. She was seriously one of the most brilliant and amazing people I have ever come to know and love, and losing her was and still is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through. Losing her was like losing the little momentum I had gained to dream again. Once again, it was like watching something come to close to being attained and reached and then having it snatched away; leaving another gaping hole in my heart and the will to dream and to hope and to move forward, completely gone.

God only knows where I would have ended up if he didn't put some of the most amazing people in my life last semester. People who reached out to me, who got to know me, who learned about me, who saw me for who I was, and saw my potential for what I could become. People who wanted to listen to me, and who wanted to learn with me, and who encouraged me to dream even though I refused to do so myself. People who lifted me up, pushed me forward, and never left my side. And people who had dreams of their own and who shared them willingly with me.

Last night, I as on the phone with one of my very best friends and the conversation we had really helped m mind start moving. It amazes me how much this person inspires me, in so many ways. Although we've only known each other for a few months, this person knows more about me then almost anyone else does, and loves me anyways. My best friend has always been aware of my fear to dream, and never stopped encouraging me to start up again. And over the past few months, and spending a lot of time with him, along with two other wonderful people, I have caught myself once in a while actually looking past the next day or week. And for a moment, I would get excited. I would see things that I wanted, things that I could work towards, things that I could achieve and accomplish! And then, the fear would hit me so hard and so fast that I would shut down and close out any hope of those dreams.

Anyways, last night, we got on a topic that requires some serious dreaming and hoping and planning. And as we talked about the future...I realized that I wanted it. I wanted it so much and so badly that it almost hurt. And I realized that I could have it. It could happen, and it could come true. I realized that although I cannot change my fate and that some things are out of my control; I can have control over everything else. It is, after all, my life.

I need to live for myself a little bit more. I realize that I do. I am always living for others; which, don't get me wrong, isn't a bad thing. I love to live for others. I live for my family, for my friends, and for people who I don't even know yet, but will know when they come into my life. I live for those who passed on, at first because I felt guilty for being alive, when they aren't. Now, it's more because I want them to look down on me and be proud of me. But, as many of my close friends point out, I need to live for myself as well. So, I'm going to work on that.

I want to embrace everything about myself. I want to remember my past and love everything about it. I figure that if there is someone out there who can know everything about me and love me anyways, than I should be able to love everything about myself as well. I realize that this will take a lot of time and a lot of work, because I am my own worse enemy, but I want to get there. I want to be confident in myself. I want to feel like I'm beautiful. I want to stop pushing parts of me away because I'm afraid of them. How silly it is, to be afraid of myself; to be afraid of my potential, and my dreams and hopes. But I am. And I want that to change.

I want to trace my hands and look at them and say: "These hands belong to Chelsie Caroline Whitney, and someday will do something worth being proud of."

I need to focus and I need motivation. I think that is why I haven't really gotten anywhere in the past months. It's because I haven't  had anywhere to go. In order to get somewhere, I need to know where I'm going! and that means I need to dream. I need to hope.

So here goes:

I want to be successful in school. I want to get good grades, and make my parents proud. I want to learn how to obtain a career I love (right now, that would be teaching history and/or english). I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people who I love and I want to make sure I never let go of those people. I want to travel, preferably with someone who I love. I want to go to New Zealand. I want to keep up with my music. I want to write more and work on becoming better at it, because I think someday I want to write a book. I want to become a better photographer. I want to work with animals in my spare time. I don't know what that entails yet, but I know I want to do it. I want to hike a mountain again. I never want to stop learning. I want to be in love. I want to get married, to someone who fits me and completes me and loves me for exactly who and how I am. I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. And fifty years later, I want to be madly in love with my husband as I was the day I married him. I want to be like my grandmother. I want to be a friend to everyone and love everyone. I want to be like Maddie. I want to give people hope. I want to be like my mom. I want to be able to give without a question or second thought. I want to love uncondtionally.

It is time to stop living my life one day at a time and to start living it for the future.

On a side note: I want to use post-it notes more. I want my room to be covered in them. random thoughts or quotes or lyrics that I want to share or keep around or inspire me. I want to read more and spend less time on facebook during the day. I want to make lists and check them off so I feel accomplished. I want to eat better. That might take time.

I want to continue my goal of telling people that I love, that I love them, all of the time.

And those are my thoughts of today. I'm going to clean my room now, and put that clean laundry away. I'm going to make a list, so I feel accomplished. And a count down until Misao and I are once again in the company and arms of our two best friends in the warm Californian sunshine, being infinite one more time.