on waiting.

It's the only time I've felt like I was actually waiting.

The last two years have been filled with other things. Knee replacements. Serving at Zion's Camp. Preparing for China. Living in China. Road tripping. I've been busy doing stuff for me. Recovering, learning, growing. And though he has been by me every step of the way (through his constant letters and prayers) I have spent the last two years very much on my own, and holding the spot where he belongs, waiting for him to come fill it back up, but focusing on me. But now, there is nothing left to focus on, except him coming home. 

I have a few weeks left. That's it. Just a few weeks left, and he'll be back and that hole in my heart that he left will be filled with his laughter and his patience and the way he looks at me and just knows what I need to hear. 

I sometimes worry about our initial reunion. What will I say? What will he be like? Will we still fit just as well as we used to? What if I'm too different? What if he is? 

But then, I think about that blue bow and using it to push the hair out of my face while I wait for him to show up. I think about seeing him there, feeling him, realizing that he is real, and that hole in my heart almost feels complete just thinking about him being back. I think about telling him everything; about sliding back into our daily routine that is so familiar. I think about my future and how I just can't see it without him by my side. I think about that moment when the distance between closes and we become us again.

I'm not sure how it will happen; our reunion. I'm not sure how I'll get through those last few days. But I am sure of this: he's coming home and I love him more then I loved him when he left. So, I'm not worried, really. He's still him. and I am still me. And we are still very much us. 

One

transfer, fast sunday, Christmas, full month, major holiday left until you are back here, with me.

so soon.

In the evening, as I wind down, I can only see flashbacks and hear echoes of the days when we were scrunched down in blankets, keeping our toes warm and laughing at the funny things your roommate said. At night, I try to remember what it's like to have you next to me; try to find those memories and let them fill me up with your warmth. I can almost remember you; but it's not fully there anymore. And I miss you, I miss you. So I whisper to myself:

Soon. You'll be back soon.

And I wander through deep trenches of snow, towards the thrones on the Eastern Sea, entirely swallowed up by my dreams.

in this moment

I need to talk to you more than anything or anyone else right now. 

And I hate that I can't. 

At all.

I can't talk to you at all right now.

And today, I hate that.

I'll never be able to express this fully:

I miss you.

I just miss you. 

So. much.

Ten

only 14 left to go. we will make it.
they will see us waving from such great heights.

It is winter now.

And on those empty November nights
when our shadows flicker across the bricks that built last year.
I reach my hands out towards the eastern sky.
You are with me.

You are with me. 

in a bullet proof vest

So you lost your trust, and you never should have.

You are twenty

I woke up this morning with the single thought of "It's your birthday" bouncing around in my head.
And as I lay in bed, listening to the combination of the ocean waves and the cars driving by on route 1-A, I tried hard to keep the hole in my chest closed and together.
You said it best in March:
"I know how hard it is to have a special day without your other half."

Happy Birthday, my very best friend.
I am so proud of you. So. Proud.

and through a telescope lens,
when all you want is friends.

I'll see you soon.