the only exception,

and i'm on my way to believe it.


on change.

When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change; that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.


It's 8:47 in the morning and I want to be super grumpy at the fact that there is a saw outside my window and that the garbage truck was an hour earlier then usual in collecting the garbage, which means I woke up earlier then my alarm. I want to roll over and sleep through the constant throbbing in my hip and in my head. I don't want to think about all of the stuff I have to get done today. Things keep piling up and I feel heavy. Not "I've eaten too much" heavy or the "i'm tired" heavy. The kind of heavy where the very thought of moving physically hurts. It's been a while since I've felt like that, and I realize that I over did it this last weekend and it will take a while to recover. I want to be frustrated that my body is silly and that I can't go have fun without having to pay for it.
I want to be grumpy and angry and bitter and just groan and sleep forever. 

But there is a breeze coming through my window and it smells like the coming of fall. The crow across the parking lot would be obnoxious on any other day, but the fact that I can hear it means that my hearing isn't ruined like I thought it was from the concert. I can hear someone trying to start their car and it's not going well and I'm grateful for the Cazz machine and for the ability it gives me to take my roommates the long way home so that we can sing our favorite songs and feel infinite. Misao is still sound asleep in the bed next to me and her breath is even and calming and I'm relieved that her sleeping issues seemed to have resolved themselves. Plans are becoming solid for making some magic happen and I'm beyond excited and hopeful for seeing people I love being happy. I feel like I'm going to be productive today, as long as the migraine stays at bay, and if I go eat something and take a med, then I think I have a good chance of keeping it away. 

There is a word for this feeling. and I only feel it once in a while. completely and fully. moments when I realize that my life is so freaking beautiful that it almost hurts. Mere moments when I let out the sigh that means only one thing. 

I am content.


best weekend EVER in photos

Friday: Dinner in Wyoming with my Grandparents at the MOST EXPENSIVE, FANCY PLACE EVER!

Saturday: Drive down to Utah with Symone, get Thai food with Juli for her birthday, and then go see 30 SECONDS TO MARS IN CONCERT! 

Sunday: Drive home, stake choir rehearsal, and spend the evening with my favorite friend, laughing at my hysterical roommates and getting knee rubs!

yes. best weekend ever.
today. not so much. hello migraine. 

happiness is just outside my window

last night, as the bunk bed creaked tiredly under Misao's little feet lifting her up into her bed, I shut the lights off and waited for her to settle into her blankets.
"Misao, we're happy." I stated the fact out loud.
"Yes," she said "We are very happy."
"Let's remember this moment. and this weekend. and what it feels like to be completely content and happy." I whispered sleepily.
"Yes. We're happy." she repeated.
I remember smiling into my pillow as my mind began to wander and eventually fade away. Every minute of the last three days was amazing. Every minute.
My grandparents, utah, Julianna, thai mango, Grey's Anatomy, 30 Seconds to Mars and CLOSER TO THE EDGE, knee rubs and big hugs and coming home to you, letters with good advice, home movies, and making plans for surprises.
But the best part was sharing it with people who I love and falling asleep with my roommate in the bed across from mine and knowing that after everything we've been through together; we're both happy.

Happiness is just outside my window 

Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour? 

Or is happiness a little more like knocking 

On your door, and you just let it in? 


autumn burns

the leaves are burning, burning yellow.
sleeping at a constant smolder
spreading when the sun wakes

and like the curl that frames her face
one turns round and round upon itself
a swift waltz on the breeze of damp earth
the taste of the coming change fresh on her lips
sending shivers down her spine
a whisper of winter winds echoing through the embers

the late sky stretches out across the valley
the perfect shade of blue
meeting the brown horizon
and everything green


perfectly me

my body isn't perfect.
heck, it's far from it.
I walk unevenly
and I don't walk with confidence.
I get into fights with my parents
about money and school and stupid things
Some nights I'd rather be myself then out partying
which usually involves drinking tea and reading a good book
I don't cry.
But sometimes I cry over the smallest things.
There are days when I get through with forced smiles and fake laughs
and most of the time I convince myself that things are always okay
when they aren't.
I'm not ugly
but i'm not beautiful
and I look better in pictures then I do in real life.
I am constantly questioning if I'm good enough.
I'm scared of everything in my life that makes me happy
because I don't trust them to stay.
I love unconditionally 
and I believe that the most beautiful things are the simplest. 

I'm not perfect.
but i'm perfectly me. 

and although I'm still working on loving myself,
i'm getting there.


Trish Insight

Trish: "Sometimes you have a good poop, though."

observations on emotions and myself

i'm playing my flute seriously again for the first time in six months.
making music is the only thing that makes sense to me these days.

I've been discovering some things about myself over the last week.

most of the time when i'm emotionally overloaded, i write. My blog is a pretty good example of that. Writing is a release for me.

but there are times when i'm just so done with emotions that i just shut down and numb myself to everything. If i don't acknowledge that it's there, i don't have to feel it and I can function better. That's basically how it was all last summer after BP left and all last fall before I met Geoff. He basically pulled my emotions out of me again and re-taught me how to feel things when I feel them instead of locking them away until I have no room for them anymore and they come busting out months later.

Here's a secret about me. Last May, when BP left, I didn't cry. I didn't cry about one single thing that went wrong (even when Hamilton broke down in New York and I booked the wrong flight to go back to school) until late November during Thanksgiving break, sitting on Geoff's couch, eating tomato soup. I thought it was impressive until I broke and felt every emotion I had tucked away for seven months.

It's been a constant learning process ever since that day on how to experience emotions instead of ignoring them. Geoff will be the first to tell you: "A lot of work has been put into her." hahaha. He definitely knows how to lay it down.

Anway, the whole reason for this tangent on emotions is that even though Geoff has left, I have still shared current emotions with people who I still interact and trust with out here; albeit that is only a handful. I've actually asked people to be there for me when I know I'm about to break...which I have never done before. And as I've written about in the past, I'm learning that I do deal better with things when someone is by my side to unload to.

I think it's all about finding a balance for me though. I have been too emotional the last few months and I don't like it. I know where some of it has come from and a chunk of it is from my insecurities. I've been telling too many people what's going on and I don't like that. I'm usually not that girl who talks about herself all of the time (me monster). There are so many bigger things in this world that are way more important then me.

Maybe it's just because I'm tired of feeling things that I promised myself I wouldn't feel. Maybe it's because I am still a little busted up inside from last May. Maybe it's because I'm scared beyond belief at losing the fun things about myself that I have discovered. Maybe i'm just scared of everything. I guess that would make sense.

But over the last few days; I've realized a few things.

1. I'm unloading too much
2. I'm relying too much
3. There are people I love who need to be listened to instead of doing the listening
4. I may just be Chelsie, but I deserve kindness and honesty.
5. I need to learn how to experience emotions on my own.
6. I love unconditionally. I hate confrontation. Those facts combined are a cause of a lot of my heartache. No matter what someone does to me or how they hurt my feelings, I still find love for them. How can I not? I'm have a vivid memory and I find myself remembering all of the good, happy times that show me that the person is a good person. Someone who made a difference in my life; who taught me something. So I just love.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am reverting back to ignoring emotions because I feel like I've been unloading and relying too much. I've noticed that a lot of good can come from me just staying quiet. But no matter what happens in the following months, I will love unconditionally.

I can survive this.


i'm finding myself slowly reverting back to the mindset of last summer.
and it scares me a little, but i think in the long run, it will be for the best.


Closer to the Edge

Music like this makes me feel alive.
I'm going to see these guys next weekend.


To Marina-

I didn't even know you, but I remember seeing pictures on his facebook and him coming home late one night after being with you and not being able to stop talking about how great you were and how happy he was. I was curled up on the couch in a cuddle puddle between Brian and Chloe and he wouldn't stop smiling. He used to beg Chris to use the car before we could get our hands on it so he could go spend time with you. He was convinced you were the one. He was an avid Patriots fan and a New Englander and like a brother to us all. I adored him and you made him happy and that made me happy. I was excited for you both.

I remember sitting in the corner of the chapel that one day in February after everything came crashing down. I was between my roommate and his roommate and watching you carefully as you sat between his little twin sisters and feeling my heart break in two at what you must be feeling. And you were so strong and beautiful and held it together for everyone. I admired you because I couldn't handle thinking about what you must be feeling. I was a wreck.

I remember seeing you everywhere after that day on campus. You were everywhere. In the bookstore, in the Nordic, in the hallways of the Taylor. And every time I saw your face, I would pull my phone out and call someone and say: "I just want you to know that I love you." because you never know when that opportunity goes away. You are a living example of that life lesson.

It's been over a year since Josh was killed and I haven't seen you on campus in over six months. But today I walked passed you in the Taylor Quad. You don't know me-we never had the opportunity to meet, but I was instantly hit by a train of memories. All of the phone calls, the tears and the moments I realized that there is so much more to life then my little pity parties. The people who I love; the people who make me Chelsie Caroline, the people who make my life beautiful-they are what matters most.

You looked happy and I hope you are. You deserve it.

I guess I just want to say that I am thankful for you and for the reminder that you constantly give me that life is precious and life is beautiful. To love the ones who mean the most and to never let them go. To believe in miracles and to hope for better days. To count my blessings, because I have so many that I often overlook or forget about. Everything will work out.

Did you say it today?
I love you.

Did you say it?


time out

i'm gonna go on hiatus for a while.
don't be alarmed.


insight from the last few days

"Shouldering all of the pain doesn't make you the strongest; it's feeling able to share it and work through it that makes you strong." 

Thank you for that insight, Hannah. You amaze me. Keep fighting, love. 

I'm finally figuring out that it's okay to let things out and to experience emotions with other people. Keeping it all inside isn't as healthy as I pretend it is. Thank you to my roommates, my family and my close friends out here who have been willing to help me open up and share the load. I'm not used to asking for help and it's weird for me to recognize that I cope better when I have someone by my side. I'm so grateful to you all. 


your smile is the most genuine thing i've ever seen

it's been an emotional roller coaster over last 24 hours.

but seeing your happiness and your smile today makes everything else insignificant.
i'm so happy and excited for you. thank you for letting me be a part of your day. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

and you know who you are. =]

Spending the night with my roommates. Bonfire/stargazing tonight with Trish, Russell, Vicki and the whole gang! Tomorrow looks like cleaning (Cazz needs a hosing out, that's for sure), organizing, maybe hot springs or the state fair, seeing Shanel and writing a long over due letter to Geoffrey.
i am always okay. i am always okay. i am always okay.



502nd post. woo.
Cazz hit 100,000 miles yesterday. And yes, I did sing happy birthday to him, although I realize that doesn't make much sense. I don't make much sense.

it's late and I'm exhausted. Today was super busy.

Misao and I got up at eight-hit the book store, viking books, jamba juice and the office of my apartment complex. We grabbed Jillise and drove to IF and hit winco and super walmart. Came back, unpacked and put things away. Dusty came over and helped us haul out Misao's stuff from Russell and Trish's storage shed. He hung around for a while which, as always, was fun and a work out for me. Later, Symone realized her mattress pad was missing, so after we got terrikayki (i'm too tired to try to spell that right) we went to Walmart to get one, and ended up hanging around there for a while we waited for them to stock the racks like some lady told us. Turns out she was wrong. But I bought rootbeer, so it wasn't a complete wasted trip. After, I went to see Rocio and we ended up talking for a long time. It was really good to catch up with her. I needed that more then I realized.

I'm so tired and classes start tomorrow and I have to go back to work and I'm suddenly very overwhelmed. It's stupid. School hasn't even officially started and I am stressed. Ridiculous.

I have a lot to figure out and a lot to think about. Things are always changing. I need to face the facts. Listen to the music. however that saying goes.

and i would just like to sleep forever.


i freaking love my roommates.
i love them.

hi Idaho

today was the longest day of traveling ever.

but tonight was the happiest night of reuniting with so many people.
all of my roommates are together and our apartment is full of laughter and happiness.
Shanel fits right in with everyone and Trish and Russell are at our place more then theirs.
I'm a sass monster again and I'm enjoying every second of it. And even better, i get to be around one of my favorite people who makes me laugh and feel comfortable in my skin.
I don't think i could ever make a sound as high pitched as i did again in my life when I saw Vicki tonight. It was so good to see her and Whitney and Chloe and to meet the infamous DJ. I've missed them all terribly.

i have so much to do tomorrow and i am running on pretty much no sleep and passing out as i type.
i just had to write down that i'm happy. i'm content.
i'm where i belong.


Rexburg Bound TOMORROW!

New England, you have been good to me. My heart will always belong to you. Keep my family safe. I'll see you in December.


a couple of reminders:

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 
Over prepare, then go with the flow.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 
Always choose life. 
However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 
Believe in miracles. 
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 


observations on the last Saturday of the summer break.

today was the epitome of a beautiful New England day. I can't get over it how gorgeous it's been. It's always like this after a storm; the day after the skies clear up (but not too much-big fluffy clouds dot the sky) and the sun comes out and there is this slight breeze that keeps the bugs away and the temperature absolutely perfect (high 70's). It's days like these when I fall in love all over again with NH and I realize how much I sometimes take this beautiful area of the country that I call home for granted. New England sets my soul on fire and my heart will always belong to the East coast.

Today has been excellent. I woke up to the sound of the ocean and the cool seabreeze wafting through the window in my room at the beach house. I took a moment to sit on the back deck and watch the ocean roll over itself before I said goodbye to the Atlantic for another year. Guv drove me back inland to Hampstead.

My house is hectic these days-the Hayes' are staying with us for the weekend while their parents are in Florida, and Leah, Dallin and Meredith were over as well. My mom (being the seminary teacher and super likable by all the kids) has pretty much become the second mother to half the youth in our church. I have at least four adopted sisters and three adopted brothers (all good friends of my real siblings) who are all so much fun and down to earth and over all of the time. It's a mad house sometimes, but it's always fun. It's home.

Today, everyone came over to go to Pinkerton's first football game of the season. Jake, Cass and Kate were all marching in the first half-time show of the season as well. We all piled in cars and drove up to my old stomping grounds (it's been a while since I set my feet on that football field). Going back there was almost like running into an old friend. (Even more so once I met up with Gage). That football field is the only place on campus where I felt like I belonged during countless days and evenings of band rehersal. Pinkerton takes their football (and their marching band) seriously and the atmosphere is so infectious and exciting. It was weird watching my old marching band march into the stadium and seeing my baby sister playing with them instead of being in the formation myself, but exciting to hear them play all of the music I can still play by memory. Their half time show was pretty stinking good too! I also got to say hello to "the Man", Mr. Adams, which was hysterical and great all in one. Ever since I graduated and went off to Idaho, our reunions always go along the same couple lines. Today was no different:

Mr. Adams: "WHITLESS!"
Me: "I'm NOT whitless!"
Mr. Adams: "Let me see your hands."
(Holding up my left hand) "Don't even worry, BYU-I Do hasn't gotten me yet."
Mr. Adams: "Thatta girl." and then his typical chuckle and awkward pat on the back.

Watching the game with my extended, adopted family made everything so much fun! Ashley, Meredith and Leah don't understand a thing about football so they were constantly making things up and asking silly questions, Alex was on a sugar rush from too many freeze pops,  and Gage and I couldn't stop singing our old parts along with the band.

Alex: "It's not that wobbly, so it can't be that damaged."

Me: "That's kind of an empty threat...I mean that's a whole lot of poop...are you even capable of producing that much?"
Alex:"...maybe not...everyone's gonna need to poop to get the job done!"

Ashley: "Oh look, we got a field goal."
Dallin: "Actually...we got a touchdown...about ten minutes ago..."

Me: (ten minutes after a player was taken off the field because of an injury): "Oh! St. Onge got injured...that's bad news bears."
Gage: "It's bad news bears if anyone on our team got injured..."

Mom: (score was 42 to 13 in our favor) "We should just give Timberlane a break...put in our second string...OH WAIT, OUR SECOND STRING IS PLAYING! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Alex: "Once, Chelsie Whitney was the only person left in the world!"
Me: "Then what happened?"
Alex: "ummm...Darth Vadar appeared and you cut off Dallin's giant head and made a pumpkin lantern!"
Me: "is this real life?"
Alex: "What?"
Me: "How did you get here?"
Alex: "YOUR MOM!"
Me: "IN BED!"
Alex: "...yeah, i can't argue with that."

After the game (in which we pummeled Timberlane into the GROUND!) the kids went off to their jobs and the movies and Mom and I got to spend some time together running errands and eating out favorite treats. I love my mom. She really is one of the most compassionate, caring people I have ever met and I am constantly am inspired by the things she does for other people.

And now I'm home with half of the adopted family back over for a hearty homemade meal made by mom and some fun plans for the evening. Tomorrow looks like it's going to be another BEAUTIFUL day and Monday will be filled with good cook out food and family.

And then it's back to Idaho on Tuesday. I've been looking forward to going back all break, but all of a sudden, I'm not as eager to go. Leaving home is always tough, but after a day like today, it'll be hard to say goodbye.

I'm all grown up though and that's a fact I am continuously facing more and more each day. It's scary and sometimes I want to yell: WAIT A MINUTE! I'M NOT READY TO BE THIS OLD OR THIS GROWN UP! but hey. this is life. And I am ready for whatever this semester has in store for me (or at least I'd like to think so). But we'll see.

Just keep moving along.
surprise! new layout! bet that threw you for a loop! 
look for in depth writing soon. 

better than anything else.


Happy September

i haven't written in a couple days (and for me, that's kind of a big deal).
i just haven't found the right words to use lately.