holes.

I guess it's no secret that I'm a twilight fan. Not so much the movie, but I really do enjoy the books. Not so much the writing, but the story. Who doesn't love a good love story? 

Anyways. The point is. 

There really isn't much I can put into word right now, except for the fact that this is harder then I saw coming or thought. I didn't think it would be like this at all. 

And as I lie here in my bed, I can't help but think about Bella in New Moon. She described her pain as if she had a whole in her body. A gaping raw hole because half of her had been taken away. She spent half of the book with her arms wrapped around her middle, trying to keep herself together, because she felt so incomplete.

I slept last night with my arms around my middle. I always said that I was full of swiss cheese. I've lost a lot of friends and family the last few years, and they have left me pretty holey. This hole is different. It's encompassing. I can't help but keep my arms wrapped around my middle because if I don't, I will fall apart. 

I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that it was going to hurt. I knew that.

I just didn't think it was going to hurt now. 

I didn't expect the dreaming to end.