Reflections

As I lie here on the floor of my somewhat clean apartment, my final goodbyes and "I love you"s having been made and the reality of the fact that one of my best friends is finally on his way for two years really starts to sink in, I sigh and reflect a little. It's quite in my apartment. Jillise is out with a friend, Sarah is asleep in the chair and Misao is sitting behind me, crocheting her thoughts out. The only sounds are those of Symone's hook squeaking against the yarn as she tightly stitches ear flaps on her brightly colored hat. My phone vibrates every once in a while, eagerly notifying me of a new text message from a friend a few states away. I sit here, on the very solid and flat floor, but I feel as if I am standing on the edge of something very big and life-altering, teetering on the edge of a precipice. 

The choice before is me is simple to put: Do I Jump, or do I let myself fall?

I never thought I would make it to school. I never thought it was a reality for me. I used to think that if I made it out of high school alive, I was lucky and blessed. But here I am. Second semester into school and making plans to continue onward. I have grown so much while being out here, and I've learned more then I could possibly imagine. And I attribute that growth and knowledge to the friends I have made out here; the people that God knowingly and willingly put into my life. I am so thankful for these people and for the bonds we've created.

Who would have thought that the boys who I met the first night I moved to Idaho in apartment 111, the boys who asked me what was wrong with my leg and when I told them the truth, the boys who gawked at me and then awkwardly told me that my life sucked; the boys who couldn't remember my name, but knew that I was the cancer kid...who would have thought that those two boys would become two of my best friends in school; two of the most reliable and trustworthy and caring and loving individuals who taught me not only how to care for myself, but how to sacrifice and serve others. Who would have thought I would have fallen head over heels in love with one of them? Who would have thought that six mere months later, my roommate and I would be sitting on Mike's couch in his home in California, spending his last weekend home with him, talking and remembering all of the fun adventures and memories we had made together?

As I sit here and think about the bond that we share with these two boys, and the connection that we have, I can't help but smile through tears. Tears that flow not for the termination of our friendship, but merely for the brief interruption that we must go through as our friends go and serve the Lord for two years. 

So, as I stand on the edge of my cliff, realizing that I will go through this process one more time in May when my boyfriend leaves to serve for two years, I smile. What a beautiful thing it is, to have so much pain at the thought of being without our friends for a few months. It is a testament to the strength of our bonds, our connections and our love for each other. A testament that this isn't over and won't be for a while. We are all stuck with each other for some time. And that is beautiful. 

I know that God will take care of my boys. I know he will take care of Symone and Zandra and I while we are without them. I know that he has a plan and that things will work out. I know that I will be comforted. I know that I have friends who will hold my hand as I walk through the next few months. I know that I am loved. 

I take a deep breath. I look below me. I see the faces of my friends. I smile.

I'm ready to jump. 

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, and the things that you never want to lose."

Sidenote: I'm sorry for the overly emotional and tad-bit dramatic entry. I write really weird and all poetic-like when I'm emotional or have a lot on my mind. and I'm not suicidal or anything. I just merely mean when I say I'm ready to jump that I am ready to take what is coming and I am not afraid. Because I am not. 

I'm not scared.