updates

Post-it note usage update:

Success.

My daily to-do list:

My Important dates list:

Line of quotes/important things on my bed:

My collection of sticky-note pads:

(With corresponding color expo markers)

Count-down update:

17 days until Misao and I are in California with Mike, Brian and Zandra

22 days until my 19th birthday

36 days until the end of the semester

44 days until California with Vicki and Trish

50 days until I am home!

This week looks like:

Tomorrow: Post-office, Science and studying

Wednesday: Class, class, class, studying and dinner with Jordan and Kyle

Thursday: sleeping, class, middle east test, dinner at Birchwood

Friday: unknown besides class.

People who I've recently talked with from back home:

NICK!

ALLIE!

AMY!

JULI!

BRETT!

GAGE!

JESS!

(i'm doing well!)

Books I have finished/am reading:

Perks of being a Wallflower-finished

East of Eden-re-reading

Les Miserable-reading

The Similarion-reading

um. that is it.

Rambelings

Sometimes, listing is the only way I can organize my thoughts. I've only recently discovered how much I like it, and I've been listing a lot more.

I need to put my pizza in the oven. I am going to finish watching the first disk of LOTR while my pizza is cooking and being eaten. I need a nap.

I'm going to finish my Middle East homework and outline what I need to study for the test coming up this week. I'm going to do some online class work. I'm going to edit my humanities paper and print it out.

I miss Misao.

I'm so proud that I have already cleaned my side of the room. 

That being said, I have accumulated a large pile of laundry that needs to get done.

I should do a load of dishes tonight. 

I need to go to the post office on Tuesday. or by Tuesday. one of those.

There are only 18 days until California. 

I really need a nap. I need to paint my nails. They are looking kind of gross right now.

I want yellow post-it notes. I have every other color imaginable but yellow. It bothers me for reasons unknown to myself.

I really want to be home in front of my fireplace, drinking hot chocolate and reading East of Eden while it snows outside. 

I had the weirdest dreams last night that involved my grandfathers truck, Cottonwood, my cousin, my old marching band, weebles wobbles, and pokemon suits. 

My birthday is in 25 days.

 

Listing

There are a couple things I REALLY want to write about...

but I can't. yet.

SO:

1. I think planes should stop crashing. seriously.

2. I need to get this frosting out of my hair.

3. I hate humanities critical responses. They are the bane of my existence 

4. I am actually really irritated about something I just read and I want to tell someone about it, but he won't pick up his phone. surprise surprise.

5. Mental note to offer random people rides when my car is out here.

6. I need a nap today. no questions asked.

7. He called back. Venting complete. Thank you.

8. I really do not want to get out of bed.

9. My roommate, who went to bed later then me, and does not need to get up at this hour of the morning, just got out of bed.

10. If she gets in the shower right now, I might have to kill a cow.

11. I would never kill a cow. I don't know why I said that. That would be horrible.

12. I really need to find the time to make it to the library sometime this week.

13. I also need to go to the post office. soon.

14. I love lists. I've been making myself to-do lists on post-it notes on my computer every single day. I love crossing things off, and feeling like I am accomplished.

15. In fact, sometimes I put silly little things on said lists, so I can cross them off and feel accomplished.

16. FACT: I can not wait to go to bed tonight.

17. I've been craving Lord of the Rings or Pirates like none other. I want to correct this soon.

18. I think she is out of the bathroom. Hi Misao! You are going to be reading this soon.

19. I'm in love with this song the Jillise showed Misao, who showed me. I think it is the cutest thing ever. I'm going to put it on here. Eventually.

20. I have to piddle. I'm getting out of bed. 

21. I want to end on a random number on this list.

22. I keep on looking at my fingers and freaking out because my rings are not on them. But then I remember they are in the kitchen and that I took them off when I was using the crisco yesterday.

23. MISAO! we have a giant thing of cookie dough to devour.

24. Okay. this is a long list. twenty four is a good number to stop at. I am done.

Refreshed, Recharged and Ready to go.

Yesterday, Symone and I found ourselves squished in the back of a small Hyundai Accent on our way down to Provo. Even though the reason we made this last minute trip is a sucky one, it was so nice to get out of the Burg for a little while. Misao and I have become quite the home bodies this semester. We keep to ourselves much more, stay in and keep our heads buried in school work. It bothered us at first, but we've become more at peace with is now, and have accepted out laid back social life and our more school structured schedule.

But this weekend, we found ourselves back in the company of one of our favorite people and one of our best friends once again. It was a much needed break from everything we were dealing with. Everything was completely let go, and we were able to recharge and refresh ourselves with the few hours of genuine company and friendship that we have missed so dearly the last month and a half.

In the moment that we found each other among the many faces in the mall, everything disappeared and the only thing that mattered was that I was once again reunited with the two people who were my constant 24/7 companions, my best friends, my family.

Today, we drove to Layton, Utah, to pay our respects to our friend, Josh. Funerals are always hard, but this was one of the hardest ones I had to attend. My heart broke multiple times for his family, his friends and his beautiful girlfriend. I can't really describe how tangible their pain was. 

I am thankful for the realization of how precious life is. Once again, I am reminded to never take those who I love for granted; to appreciate those who have touched my life and who have taught and inspired me. I never want to let the people who I love and who mean something to me not know how I feel. 

I think for every future blog, I'm going to write a message to someone about how much they mean to me. Or something.

anyways.

Leaving Mike today was hard, but it was with the hope and promise of once again being reunited in a few weeks that made it a bit easier. It is the impending goodbye that will be hard. 

I forgot how perfect life can seem when you are with the people that you love and trust and who understand without words, and whose company in which you feel completely content. I adore Mike and Symone, and I am so thankful for their friendship.

So, I am back in the Burg and recharged and refreshed from my weekend with two of my favorite people. Time to put my head down, go back to work, and get through twenty six more days.

To Misao: Symone, you are one of the best things that has happened to me out here! I am so thankful for that random day where we decided to put pink streaks in our hair last semester. You are my long lost twin, and I couldn't have picked a better person to be my roommate. Thank you for putting up with me, my mood swings, my late night and early morning phone calls; for giving me reality checks and attitude adjustments when I need them; for caring about me, for becoming part of my family. You are one of the best friends I have ever had, and I know I can go to you for anything and everything. You have taught me unconditional love, patience and understanding. You have been a life saver to me and I can't wait for the many semesters, adventures and travels that are going to come our way. I love you!

Oh New Hampshire.

So, my daddy sent this to me the other day and it made me smile.

It also made me miss the East, New England and New Hampshire very much.

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working his way East. Going to a very large church, he began taking pictures, making notes and talking to religious leaders. 

At one church, he spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued when he read the sign. "Calls: 10,000 dollars a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. 

The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fat, a direct line to heaven and if someone pays the price, he can talk directly to God

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, New Orleans, Dallas, and other major cities in the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Upon entering a church in Laconia, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents"

Fascinated he asked to talk to the pastor:

"reverend, I have been in areas all of this country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and was told that it is a direct line to Heaven and that if I payed 10,000 dollars a minute, I could talk to God. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor smiled and replied: "Son, you're in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. This is God's Country. It's a local call."

I'm proud to be from the East, to be from New England and to be from the beautiful state of New Hampshire. I will forever and always be in love it it's groves of birch trees, grids of old rock walls, the majesty of the White Mountains, the windy Kangamangus Highway, the Pemigewasset, the Ammonoosuc and the Androscoggin Rivers, the small country towns of North Conway and North Woodstock, Franconia Notch, Twin Mountain, the reds, oranges and yellows of New England Autumns, and of course all 12 miles of solid, beautiful coast line.

New England, and more specifically New Hampshire will always be home to me, and I hope that some day, my life will lead me back there. 

crossing the state line into New Hampshire Coast Line. Taken by Ashley

Sunset over the marshes. Taken by Chelsie

The Marshes right before Twilight. By Chelsie

Another Sunset. By Ashley

An Incoming Thunderstorm. By Ashley

Thunderstorm over the Ocean. By Ashley

After the Storm. By Chelsie

After. By Chelsie

Sisters at the Beach. 

My backyard in the Fall. By Mom

Across Sunset Lake. By Mom

The White Mountains of New Hampshire. By Dad

My heart will always belong to New England.

Advice from a Tree and other random observations

Every Sunday, in Sunday School, I read this poster on the wall:

Advice From A Tree:

-Stand tall and proud

-Sink your roots into the Earth

-Be content with your natural beauty

-Go out on a limb

-Drink plenty of water

-Remember your roots

-Enjoy the view

This is what I have learned from a tree:

maple tree

1. Know who you are and be that without shame or doubt. Embrace your colors.

willow tree

2. Be solid in your values and morals. Deep roots mean you are immovable. Don't be afraid to stand knee-deep in the soil. 

birch tree

3. Love who you are, including your flaws and imperfections. They make you original and define you in the forest.

4. Don't be afraid of dreaming. Don't be afraid of following them. Don't be afraid of making them come true.

5.  Take care of yourself

6. Remember where you came from, who you represent, and how that effects who you are.

7. Enjoy Life. Love it. All of it. The storms and the wind and the snow and most importantly, the sunshine.

Birch trees are my favorite kind tree, because they scream New England. There are groves of them and in the fall, when they are turning color, it is the most beautiful thing to see. I love New England.

I want to be like a tree.

on the other side of observations:

My mom never fails to provide me the comfort and support that I need. She knows what to say and how to say it and is just in general, a wonderful mom, friend and example. I want to be like her. 

I'm so thankful for the support system I have out here in Idaho. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful roommates and friends. And I have two of the best guys in the world who have my back all of the time. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. They are such amazing examples to me and I have learned so much from watching them, being around them and even being away from them. Together, we all face life, hand in hand.

My hair is dyed again. It's jet black, with this awesome violet sheen when the light hits it. And there is some nice pink back in my bangs and in the back. I feel better now that my roots are gone. 

thirty three days until california. thirty three days until we will be together again and be able to fully appreciate every moment we will have together. That weekend will go by way too fast, but those moments will be etched forever in ourselves, so that when we feel most lonely, we can recall those feelings and know we're loved. thirty three days until the much needed reunion with the people who have become my second family.

I'm in love with a few new songs that I have stumbled across:

The Shade of Poison Trees

Dashboard Confessional

Dress your wounds

Test your strength

Feel the pain

Know the signs

Is there truth 

In your pain?

You decide

Make This Go On Forever

Snow Patrol

And I don't know where to look

My words just bend and melt

Please just save me from this darkness

Please just save me from this darkness

some amusing statistics:

IN-minutes (verizon to verizon) used in total this month in my family share plan (My mom, my brother, my sister and myself):6414

IN-minutes that belong to me: 6383

it is a good thing that my two best friends who I spend hours on the phone with have verizon.

I want to be like a tree.

Sledding is enough.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. and all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

I really love The Perks of being a Wallflower. If you haven't read it, you should. It's amazing. But, I think that there is one small thing wrong about what Charlie says right there. I think that sledding can be enough, if you let it. Sometimes, the simplest things can be enough.

I have had a pretty yucky week. And I've been dwelling on it, and letting it get to me. I need to be a little kid again, and let the simple things, like sledding, be enough. I need to find the things I think are beautiful and let them fill me up, and experience all of the comfort and joy they bring me.

Jamba Juice-Strawberries Wild. Unexpected phone calls from people I love. "That's what she said" text messages. The Office. Good books (right now, The Perks of being a Wallflower, Les Miserables and East of Eden.) Warm Chamomile Tea in mugs. Singing to Disney Songs and making videos with roommates. The feeling I get when I hear the Text Message noise. The sound of windchimes. Waking up to morning breeze's that smell of fall. Driving down New England roads in Autumn, filled with oranges, reds and yellows. Strawberry Coolattas with whipped cream from Dunkin' Donuts. Freshly painted fingernails. Surprise visits from friends filled with much needed conversation and hugs. Garden salads drenched in Balsamic Vinagarette. Fried green beans with ranch dressing. Conversations held between eyes. Laughing so hard at the silliest things that my stomach cramps up and I can't breath and I snort. Late night walks with someone where silence is almost more important then conversation. Trying new brands of mascara. Nights filled with Nintendo 64, Super Smash and sound effects. The smell of coming snow. (it does smell). Running through sprinklers late at night. Driving to nowhere to look at stars. People who I instantly click with. Snuggeling with a friend who I know loves me. The feeling in my stomach when my favorite song on the radio comes on. Looking through pictures of favorite adventures and telling people the stories that go along with them. Discovering notes or letters from friends written years ago. Waking up and realizing I can still sleep for two hours until my alarm goes off. New hair colors. Back rubs. Warm blankets and towels out of the dryer. The feeling of love that fills me up when I see or hear the voice of someone I adore. 

These simple things are enough.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I am not having a good day. I haven't stopped crying since two this afternoon. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. I'm shutting down, closing up, reaching a breaking point. The world is spinning around, and I feel like there is no time for slowing down. I need time to stand still for just a minute. I need just a moment to take a breath. I feel like I'm struggling to find air, and I'm barely keeping my lungs filled to sustain myself. 

I'm tired of watching my friends die.

and I miss my Maddie. 

I feel really heavy, like my body is full of lead. I really need a break. I don't really want to be here. I don't really want to be home. I don't really want to be anywhere.  

on the brighter side, I have an amazing roommate who loves me and I have an incredible mom who inspires me and keeps me going. My guitar callouses are pretty hard core and I'm getting better at playing.  Mike is going to teach me how to play bar chords. 39 days until California. Gosh, I need California. More importantly...I need the people in it.

I'm so tired. I think I'm going to shower and try to stop crying. 

And then I need to get out.

Always,

Chelsie 

Robert Frost...sigh.

This is my all time favorite poem ever.

Robert Frost. New England. Promises and Sleeping.

true love.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are, I think I know

His house is in the village though

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farm house near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest night of the year

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep

And miles to go before I sleep...

And miles to go before I sleep...

Dream on...

I got a lot accomplished in my head last night. I know that sounds weird. But even as I was sleeping, my mind kept on turning and processing and realizing and strategizing. I think I have a plan. Actually, I know I do. But what is more important about this plan is not the fact that I have one, or that I intend to follow through with it, but the fact that I finally let go of my fears and insecurities in order to let myself make one. I don't know if I will be able to get out everything that I want to or need to, but I am going to try. I need to write it down, make it concrete and tangible and real. If i don't, I will lose sight of it, and I can't afford that to happen. Not anymore.

My room is a mess. And usually, I'm indifferent about it, but lately, it's ben driving me up a wall. My laundry, although clean, has yet to be put away, even though it was taken out of the dryer three or four days ago. I have four or five pairs of shoes lying everywhere. Once again, I'm not sure where exactly my wallet is, or if my I-card is in it. Although I've been doing a lot better in my schooling, I still feel like i have no form of structure. I've been trying to call home more often, but i still feel out of touch with my sisters and brother. And I'm tired of it, of these unorganized and scattered pieces of my life. Because it's more then just my messy room, my unstructured schooling and my lack of communication with home. The little snatches of my life are only a small fraction of the real mess I feel like I'm in.

Why did I let it get like this?

This is what I came up with last night, this morning; while I was awake and while I was asleep; while I was talking to my friends and while I was talking to God, and while I was talking with myself.

It's time, Chelsie. It's time to dream again. It's time to let it all go, to leave all of the fears and the insecurities and the shame behind. It's holding you back, and has been for a while. It's time to let it go.

I've finaly come to the full realization that ever since getting sick, three years ago, that I have been afraid to dream, to look forward towards the duture, to make big goals and have aspirations. All of a sudden, everything that I had beenn working towards living for, and looking forward to, vanished. I watched as the simplest and littlest things that I had taken for granted every day of my life were taken away, and suffered the sever pain and heartbreak of losing those tings. It soon became pointless for me to even hope or look forward to the moments where it seemed I might have a glimpse of those little joys of life back. I would watch days ass by and things draw closer and then, when it finally seemed I would have something back within my grasp, it was taken away again; snatched up right in front of my eyes. And while it taught me to appreciate those things more and more, my life soon followed the motto: One day at a time. That was all I could handle, and all I could take. I stopped hoping and dreaming, because the heartbreak and fear of watching those dreams and hopes getting taken away was unbearable.

And I have not stopped living my life like that since then. Graduating, working, going to college...they were all things that I never really worked to get to. I just worked one day at a time and eventually all of those days brought me up to those points in my life. Looking back over the last semester, I realize that I was still in the rut of not having dreams. Instead of looking forward, like most college students do, I took a couple steps back. I lost one of the most beautiful and wonderful little girls to the very same demon that I face and fear. She was seriously one of the most brilliant and amazing people I have ever come to know and love, and losing her was and still is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through. Losing her was like losing the little momentum I had gained to dream again. Once again, it was like watching something come to close to being attained and reached and then having it snatched away; leaving another gaping hole in my heart and the will to dream and to hope and to move forward, completely gone.

God only knows where I would have ended up if he didn't put some of the most amazing people in my life last semester. People who reached out to me, who got to know me, who learned about me, who saw me for who I was, and saw my potential for what I could become. People who wanted to listen to me, and who wanted to learn with me, and who encouraged me to dream even though I refused to do so myself. People who lifted me up, pushed me forward, and never left my side. And people who had dreams of their own and who shared them willingly with me.

Last night, I as on the phone with one of my very best friends and the conversation we had really helped m mind start moving. It amazes me how much this person inspires me, in so many ways. Although we've only known each other for a few months, this person knows more about me then almost anyone else does, and loves me anyways. My best friend has always been aware of my fear to dream, and never stopped encouraging me to start up again. And over the past few months, and spending a lot of time with him, along with two other wonderful people, I have caught myself once in a while actually looking past the next day or week. And for a moment, I would get excited. I would see things that I wanted, things that I could work towards, things that I could achieve and accomplish! And then, the fear would hit me so hard and so fast that I would shut down and close out any hope of those dreams.

Anyways, last night, we got on a topic that requires some serious dreaming and hoping and planning. And as we talked about the future...I realized that I wanted it. I wanted it so much and so badly that it almost hurt. And I realized that I could have it. It could happen, and it could come true. I realized that although I cannot change my fate and that some things are out of my control; I can have control over everything else. It is, after all, my life.

I need to live for myself a little bit more. I realize that I do. I am always living for others; which, don't get me wrong, isn't a bad thing. I love to live for others. I live for my family, for my friends, and for people who I don't even know yet, but will know when they come into my life. I live for those who passed on, at first because I felt guilty for being alive, when they aren't. Now, it's more because I want them to look down on me and be proud of me. But, as many of my close friends point out, I need to live for myself as well. So, I'm going to work on that.

I want to embrace everything about myself. I want to remember my past and love everything about it. I figure that if there is someone out there who can know everything about me and love me anyways, than I should be able to love everything about myself as well. I realize that this will take a lot of time and a lot of work, because I am my own worse enemy, but I want to get there. I want to be confident in myself. I want to feel like I'm beautiful. I want to stop pushing parts of me away because I'm afraid of them. How silly it is, to be afraid of myself; to be afraid of my potential, and my dreams and hopes. But I am. And I want that to change.

I want to trace my hands and look at them and say: "These hands belong to Chelsie Caroline Whitney, and someday will do something worth being proud of."

I need to focus and I need motivation. I think that is why I haven't really gotten anywhere in the past months. It's because I haven't  had anywhere to go. In order to get somewhere, I need to know where I'm going! and that means I need to dream. I need to hope.

So here goes:

I want to be successful in school. I want to get good grades, and make my parents proud. I want to learn how to obtain a career I love (right now, that would be teaching history and/or english). I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people who I love and I want to make sure I never let go of those people. I want to travel, preferably with someone who I love. I want to go to New Zealand. I want to keep up with my music. I want to write more and work on becoming better at it, because I think someday I want to write a book. I want to become a better photographer. I want to work with animals in my spare time. I don't know what that entails yet, but I know I want to do it. I want to hike a mountain again. I never want to stop learning. I want to be in love. I want to get married, to someone who fits me and completes me and loves me for exactly who and how I am. I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. And fifty years later, I want to be madly in love with my husband as I was the day I married him. I want to be like my grandmother. I want to be a friend to everyone and love everyone. I want to be like Maddie. I want to give people hope. I want to be like my mom. I want to be able to give without a question or second thought. I want to love uncondtionally.

It is time to stop living my life one day at a time and to start living it for the future.

On a side note: I want to use post-it notes more. I want my room to be covered in them. random thoughts or quotes or lyrics that I want to share or keep around or inspire me. I want to read more and spend less time on facebook during the day. I want to make lists and check them off so I feel accomplished. I want to eat better. That might take time.

I want to continue my goal of telling people that I love, that I love them, all of the time.

And those are my thoughts of today. I'm going to clean my room now, and put that clean laundry away. I'm going to make a list, so I feel accomplished. And a count down until Misao and I are once again in the company and arms of our two best friends in the warm Californian sunshine, being infinite one more time.