And you were not the same after that<3
29.11.11
Tender Mercies
Today has been a day of tender mercies, and I am grateful for living a life where I can easily recognize God's hand in my every day dealings and answered prayers. These are just a few small and simple, but ever so meaningful and beautiful moments from my day today.
1. Sam gave me a ride to work, so I didn't have to walk in the cold. And I didn't have to work on Jenzabars this morning, which is good because I didn't have the ability to concentrate on them. Instead, I went to the Philanthropies office and folded boxes with Cami and Jess and listened to Christmas music.
2. I was struck with sudden inspiration on exactly what I am going to do with my Brit Lit author portfolio and creative response. It will be a lot of work, but I feel so much calmer knowing that I have a clear direction and final goal.
3. I received a happy letter. And my sweet roommate called me the second it came so that I would know.
4. My apartment complex gave us free pizza today and told us that they would not be requiring us to complete White Glove at check outs. This removes SO MUCH stress from my last week of school.
5. I found out that ALL of my financial aid will be available to me next semester, which means I have China paid in full, and extra money to put towards spending. Huge, huge, HUGE relief.
6. Mom told me she was going to help put Cazz on the road when I come home from school. New tires, new wheel baring and all. Words fail me to describe how happy and GRATEFUL I am to know I will be reunited with my little transformer in just three weeks.
7. I'm behind in school and have so much to do, but I'm calm and focused. I feel good about taking on these next few weeks. I'm stocked up on snacks and Barqs and I am planning my time out so that I will be ahead of the game. I will survive.
Happy Tuesday!
1. Sam gave me a ride to work, so I didn't have to walk in the cold. And I didn't have to work on Jenzabars this morning, which is good because I didn't have the ability to concentrate on them. Instead, I went to the Philanthropies office and folded boxes with Cami and Jess and listened to Christmas music.
2. I was struck with sudden inspiration on exactly what I am going to do with my Brit Lit author portfolio and creative response. It will be a lot of work, but I feel so much calmer knowing that I have a clear direction and final goal.
3. I received a happy letter. And my sweet roommate called me the second it came so that I would know.
4. My apartment complex gave us free pizza today and told us that they would not be requiring us to complete White Glove at check outs. This removes SO MUCH stress from my last week of school.
5. I found out that ALL of my financial aid will be available to me next semester, which means I have China paid in full, and extra money to put towards spending. Huge, huge, HUGE relief.
6. Mom told me she was going to help put Cazz on the road when I come home from school. New tires, new wheel baring and all. Words fail me to describe how happy and GRATEFUL I am to know I will be reunited with my little transformer in just three weeks.
7. I'm behind in school and have so much to do, but I'm calm and focused. I feel good about taking on these next few weeks. I'm stocked up on snacks and Barqs and I am planning my time out so that I will be ahead of the game. I will survive.
Happy Tuesday!
28.11.11
on being honest
I've realized that in order to be honest with others, I have to first be honest with myself.
Today was a huge wake up call for me. But I was honest with myself and now I know what I need to work on. Now I know what choices I need to re-evaluate. Now I know where to go from here.
I will not worry. I will not stress. I will have faith, I will be honest and I will fear not.
I will not be left comfortless.
Today was a huge wake up call for me. But I was honest with myself and now I know what I need to work on. Now I know what choices I need to re-evaluate. Now I know where to go from here.
I will not worry. I will not stress. I will have faith, I will be honest and I will fear not.
I will not be left comfortless.
27.11.11
26.11.11
Snapshots on Saturday
I always say that I tend to see the world better through a lens.
And I view things differently because of it, like the way the light reflects off tables in an empty restaurant, floods the entry way of a brand new home or changes the color of my eyes in the late afternoon.
24.11.11
Grateful
For my incredible forever family, who never fails to support me, believe in me or stand behind me in all that I do and all that I dream.
for my brand new knee and my second chance at life, for being limp free and pain free for the first time in over five years, for answered prayers and for miracles
for my two best girls, for their support and kindness and willingness to listen, for the way they open their homes to me and for the adventures we go on and the memories we have made, and the memories to come.
and for the love of my life, my best friend and missionary, for faith in our plan and for the gospel, for his sacrifices and for his obedience, for the blue bow and for knowing what true, unconditional love really is.
I am so blessed. I am so grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving.
21.11.11
A place is only as good as the people in it are.
I always get so homesick this week, every year, while everyone packs up and goes home for Thanksgiving. I haven't had a Thanksgiving with my family in four years. It's hard to be away from them.
But, I am thankful for the amazing friends I have out here who always make sure I never go without a place to stay and celebrate. Even when I think I won't have somewhere to go, someone will always open their home up to me. Whether I'm with Julianna and Jordan in Utah, Vicki in Oregon or this year, with Jillise in Boise, I always have a home to go to, a family who will treat me as one of their own and a turkey to munch on. I'm so blessed and grateful and so excited to leave for my fun-filled week with Jillise starting tomorrow! We're going to have movie marathons, finally go see breaking dawn, be crafty, bake, and spend lots of money on Black Friday.
and I know I'll be home in NH before I know it for Christmas time, with my Mama Bear and Dad and my two pretty little sisters; my grandparents and aunts and uncles and my ward family (Kellys, Bratts, Grotenhuises and Yorks) and all of my adoptive siblings. Mom and I will bake a lot and I'll go last minute shopping with my sisters and spend evenings curled up by my fireplace with a book and my kitty. So close. So soon.
Happy Holidays!
But, I am thankful for the amazing friends I have out here who always make sure I never go without a place to stay and celebrate. Even when I think I won't have somewhere to go, someone will always open their home up to me. Whether I'm with Julianna and Jordan in Utah, Vicki in Oregon or this year, with Jillise in Boise, I always have a home to go to, a family who will treat me as one of their own and a turkey to munch on. I'm so blessed and grateful and so excited to leave for my fun-filled week with Jillise starting tomorrow! We're going to have movie marathons, finally go see breaking dawn, be crafty, bake, and spend lots of money on Black Friday.
and I know I'll be home in NH before I know it for Christmas time, with my Mama Bear and Dad and my two pretty little sisters; my grandparents and aunts and uncles and my ward family (Kellys, Bratts, Grotenhuises and Yorks) and all of my adoptive siblings. Mom and I will bake a lot and I'll go last minute shopping with my sisters and spend evenings curled up by my fireplace with a book and my kitty. So close. So soon.
Happy Holidays!
20.11.11
Christmas Time
...is not hear yet. Only a few more days until I can break out the Christmas Music playlist.
But, I made a decision today that I am going to attempt to give all hand-made gifts this christmas.
Mainly because Pinterest makes me think that I can be crafty and be successful at it.
I'll keep you posted on my crafty adventures.
19.11.11
flashback
I've been on campus since noon, curled up in a corner of the MC against a window, buried in homework and drinking enough water to ensure that I will not sleep solidly tonight. I took a lunch break about two hours ago and ate a sandwich while watching The Importance of Being Earnest for my Brit Lit class. I've read and outlined two chapters for my grammar class in order to prep for my upcoming exam. I've printed out all of my editing documents for my portfolio. I finally downloaded spotify for my computer. I've been sitting at the same table for the last 4 and a half hours and I've watched four different people come and go at the table next to me.
About twenty minutes ago, a girl slid into the seat and began to plug away at her homework. Five minutes later, a guy joins her and as they start discussing their upcoming test they are studying for, it is clear that they met during class. He's got this glint in his eye as he talks to her and she can't stop herself from smiling as their conversation turns away from their study guide. I know this is creepy of me, but I can't help it. Watching their interaction is so familiar...like I know what's coming; like I can predict their every move. She can't meet his eyes for long periods of time and he teases her about something irrelevant, but she flusters up anyway while she sputters for words. He laughs. And I know a split second before she does that she's about to direct his attention back to the study guide.
And then it hits me.
This was me. This was the start of my relationship with Dustin. This was us over a year ago; sitting in his apartment, trying to study for a humanities test and him making fun of my accent and me getting so flustered that I said: "THERE IS NO 'R' IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!" This was the start of a relationship that changed who I was, who I was going to be and who I was becoming. This was the start of everything.
And I can't help but relive those moments, instead of working on my final research topic like I am supposed to. Flashback after flashback, moments that I didn't know I still could recall. My keys in his freezer. His socks on my feet. The time I feel asleep on his couch before we saw Inception because I finally felt safe.
Sometimes, I miss him so much I think my insides are disintegrating because I'm so empty. Sometimes, I feel so misunderstood by the world and I don't want to face it unless he's by my side. But sometimes, I get these flashbacks of how it all started and I know, without a doubt, that we were meant to meet when we did. And I know that this time apart is doing nothing but bringing us closer and strengthening our trust and friendship and our relationship with God. And as hard as it is to be without him now; even ten months later, I know that everything will work out, that one day he'll come home to me and that we will be blessed for our patience and obedience during these two years. To that I hold on to; to that I believe.
Back to work. I would like to get off campus by seven...but who knows if that will actually happen.
About twenty minutes ago, a girl slid into the seat and began to plug away at her homework. Five minutes later, a guy joins her and as they start discussing their upcoming test they are studying for, it is clear that they met during class. He's got this glint in his eye as he talks to her and she can't stop herself from smiling as their conversation turns away from their study guide. I know this is creepy of me, but I can't help it. Watching their interaction is so familiar...like I know what's coming; like I can predict their every move. She can't meet his eyes for long periods of time and he teases her about something irrelevant, but she flusters up anyway while she sputters for words. He laughs. And I know a split second before she does that she's about to direct his attention back to the study guide.
And then it hits me.
This was me. This was the start of my relationship with Dustin. This was us over a year ago; sitting in his apartment, trying to study for a humanities test and him making fun of my accent and me getting so flustered that I said: "THERE IS NO 'R' IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!" This was the start of a relationship that changed who I was, who I was going to be and who I was becoming. This was the start of everything.
And I can't help but relive those moments, instead of working on my final research topic like I am supposed to. Flashback after flashback, moments that I didn't know I still could recall. My keys in his freezer. His socks on my feet. The time I feel asleep on his couch before we saw Inception because I finally felt safe.
Sometimes, I miss him so much I think my insides are disintegrating because I'm so empty. Sometimes, I feel so misunderstood by the world and I don't want to face it unless he's by my side. But sometimes, I get these flashbacks of how it all started and I know, without a doubt, that we were meant to meet when we did. And I know that this time apart is doing nothing but bringing us closer and strengthening our trust and friendship and our relationship with God. And as hard as it is to be without him now; even ten months later, I know that everything will work out, that one day he'll come home to me and that we will be blessed for our patience and obedience during these two years. To that I hold on to; to that I believe.
Back to work. I would like to get off campus by seven...but who knows if that will actually happen.
17.11.11
This will make your day better
It's hard to have a rough day when you start it off with this cute little guy.
16.11.11
Observations on friendships
You know what is a bummer? When you feel like you are being replaced. When you have friends who you would do anything for; who you did everything with, and because circumstances changed slightly, you feel like you are being forgotten. You feel like you are becoming more of an obligation. You feel like you have to put more time in energy into other relationships because you are afraid of being left alone. You watch from a distance as they spend more time with other people and only hang out with you when you initiate it. You watch everyone receive their happily ever after and you feel stuck because you are in this standstill, waiting to see if you get yours. And no one seems to care about that anymore. No one seems to understand how utterly lonely and hard it can be to be standing on that end of the spectrum.
It is a never ending cycle. It happens to friendships in middle school when you move up to high school. And it happens to friendships in high school when you move on to college. And I'm learning that it happens in college too.
But it's okay. This isn't a pity party. This isn't an attack at anyone. These are just observations while I watch others around me find a happiness that I sometimes feel will never come for me.
But, I'm happy in other ways. I've got good things going for me. I'm walking again and I am making plans to have my hip procedure done during break and to go back to PT to continue to push my range. I'm really going to China next semester to teach English and to make a difference in someone's life. And I'll get to come home and live another summer of service at Zion's Camp. I have an incredible family, home ward and stake who support me in everything I do. I have sweet roommates and awesome co-workers. I have an amazing best friend who somehow figures out how to be the most supportive and stable rock in my life, even when he can't be with me. And I have the gospel, and the knowledge of forever families. I have Thanksgiving Break in Boise with Jillise next week. And I have New England and my fireplace and my family and my cazz machine waiting for me in just over a month.
I'm not one to confront others with how I feel when it comes to these things; so I write it out, count my blessings and realize that it's okay. I'm never going to be left alone. I am blessed. I am happy. And I will just hope that I'll never be entirely forgotten by those I love most.
Dilemma
Should I take a nap cuddled up in my finished quilt or should I watch a movie?
Should I watch a movie or should I do my homework?
Should I just do my homework?
Um. I vote all three. Nap. Homework. Movie. or Nap. Movie. Homework. or maybe just Nap.
I live such a hard life.
Happy Hump Day!
Should I watch a movie or should I do my homework?
Should I just do my homework?
Um. I vote all three. Nap. Homework. Movie. or Nap. Movie. Homework. or maybe just Nap.
I live such a hard life.
Happy Hump Day!
15.11.11
He is We
Forever is a long, long time.
But I wouldn't mind spending it by your side.
Tell me every day I get to wake up to your smile.
I wouldn't mind it, at all.
I wouldn't mind it,
at all.
13.11.11
winter winds
Although I absolutely hate how cold it is; I love the sound of the wind rushing around my apartment. This is the perfect setting for my winter song playlist, cup of tea and kindle. Well, actually a nap first. But then, a cup of lemon tea and my kindle. I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia (finally) because I'm doing a paper on C.S. Lewis. And I love Aslan. And I love Narnia.
I need to buy that movie while on my Black Friday adventures with Jillise.
In other news, last night I went down to Idaho Falls with Ms. Chelsea and we got to have delicious steak dinner while Paige worked and brought me extra rolls. She's my favorite. Also, I love those rolls. And then we went to the mall and I bought the best boots ever. I've been looking at them online for weeks and weeks and when we went to the store, they were the only ones left! and they were my size. AND THEY WERE ONE SALE! It was meant to be. Also, Chelsea bought me this awesome ring for 2 dollars because it was BOGO at payless, and she walked in with the intention of buying moccasins and walked out with some hot heels.
anyway. That is my life right now. I'm going to Boise early next week for Thanksgiving and I'm excited for all of my wonderful adventures with Jillise. And then it will only be a few more weeks until I am home, in my beloved New England, preparing for CHINA!
Nap time. <3
I need to buy that movie while on my Black Friday adventures with Jillise.
In other news, last night I went down to Idaho Falls with Ms. Chelsea and we got to have delicious steak dinner while Paige worked and brought me extra rolls. She's my favorite. Also, I love those rolls. And then we went to the mall and I bought the best boots ever. I've been looking at them online for weeks and weeks and when we went to the store, they were the only ones left! and they were my size. AND THEY WERE ONE SALE! It was meant to be. Also, Chelsea bought me this awesome ring for 2 dollars because it was BOGO at payless, and she walked in with the intention of buying moccasins and walked out with some hot heels.
anyway. That is my life right now. I'm going to Boise early next week for Thanksgiving and I'm excited for all of my wonderful adventures with Jillise. And then it will only be a few more weeks until I am home, in my beloved New England, preparing for CHINA!
Nap time. <3
Christina Perry
I have died everyday, waiting for you.Darling, don't be afraid,I have loved you for a thousand yearsI'll love you for a thousand more.<3
12.11.11
some things never change.
so excited to see his face this coming week. Yay for womb buddies being home!
11.11.11
Thai Thursday and other things
Let me tell you about today.
First, I walked to school, because my phone hates me and didn't tell me that Symone was willing to drive me. So my face was pretty much burned off with the cold by the time I got to work. But then I got to work. And I was productive, which is good, because I'm still a month behind in Jenzabars. Sam and I got hot chocolate. I went to class. Then Paige picked me up and we went to get Thai food. It was delicious. If it is possible to inhale food, then that is what I did. Within 20 minutes, my plate was empty and my tummy was full and happy. I love Thai Thursday/sometime Tuesday. And I am never missing it again.
Anyway, then I went to a work meeting. And Sam and I got in trouble because she tried to draw a hand turkey and the feet came out like an upsidedown umbrella that got blown inside out. and we laughed hysterically. And my boss gave us a look, but she wasn't really that mad.
First, I walked to school, because my phone hates me and didn't tell me that Symone was willing to drive me. So my face was pretty much burned off with the cold by the time I got to work. But then I got to work. And I was productive, which is good, because I'm still a month behind in Jenzabars. Sam and I got hot chocolate. I went to class. Then Paige picked me up and we went to get Thai food. It was delicious. If it is possible to inhale food, then that is what I did. Within 20 minutes, my plate was empty and my tummy was full and happy. I love Thai Thursday/sometime Tuesday. And I am never missing it again.
Anyway, then I went to a work meeting. And Sam and I got in trouble because she tried to draw a hand turkey and the feet came out like an upsidedown umbrella that got blown inside out. and we laughed hysterically. And my boss gave us a look, but she wasn't really that mad.
I then proceeded to hang up Sam's picture in our office, so that everyone could appreciate her work of art.
I came home and took a shower. And got ready. And then Sam came over and we walked to Northgate and got her car. And then we went back to the BYUI center and had dinner with a bunch of snobby AV people. But that's okay, because the food was really good (minus the fruit bars) and then Kathy and Jeremy came and sat with us and we talked about hiring for next semester and acne. And then we went upstairs and answered phones while President Clark did a live webcast. And Sam and I laughed a lot. So that was cool. Then she took me home in time for me to watch Grey's Anatomy with Whitney. And then right after, Symone kidnapped me so I could meet her favorite returned missionaries that used to serve in her ward. And then she came home and Paige came and kidnapped me and we went and froze our little bottoms up while we watched the soccer championship game that her man was coaching. And we laughed some more.
And then I came home to a nice email from my mama bear and the promise of a letter tomorrow. Not too bad of a day, if you ask me. Not too bad of a day.
10.11.11
I love you, be safe.
He is my best friend.
He is my answered prayer.
He is my miracle.
And every night, I fall on my knees and I pray for his success, for his comfort and for his safety. Because when things like this happen; I get scared that he might not come home to me. I get scared that I might not hear his laughter or see his smile or be able to count the freckles on his hands ever again; that nights eating taco bell and curled up in sweats and intwined with each other while we talk about dogs and jobs and futures will never happen again. But, I know that he is where he needs to be and that we have both been blessed for his choice to serve, for our obedience to the rules and for our faith that God will take care of both of us while we are apart. I cannot be afraid; for faith and fear cannot coexist. And I chose to have faith.
He is my answered prayer.
He is my miracle.
And every night, I fall on my knees and I pray for his success, for his comfort and for his safety. Because when things like this happen; I get scared that he might not come home to me. I get scared that I might not hear his laughter or see his smile or be able to count the freckles on his hands ever again; that nights eating taco bell and curled up in sweats and intwined with each other while we talk about dogs and jobs and futures will never happen again. But, I know that he is where he needs to be and that we have both been blessed for his choice to serve, for our obedience to the rules and for our faith that God will take care of both of us while we are apart. I cannot be afraid; for faith and fear cannot coexist. And I chose to have faith.
8.11.11
7.11.11
Beck and Bat for Lashes.
image via weheartit
Touch me, I'm golden and wild as the wind blows
Just for tonight, darling,
let's get lost.
<3
5.11.11
Top Five
Five things that are currently rocking my world right now:
1. I bought new skinny jeans that usually are 60 dollars for 9.99.
2. I just got a 92 on my second grammar exam.
3. The mail.
4. My cold is finally almost gone.
5. I BOOKED MY FLIGHT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!
FAMILY! ZION'S CAMP! CHURCH FAMILY (YORKS, BRATTS, KELLYS and GROTENHUISES)! GRANDPARENTS! CAZZ MACHINE! NEW ENGLAND! I'll be seeing you soon! <3
1. I bought new skinny jeans that usually are 60 dollars for 9.99.
2. I just got a 92 on my second grammar exam.
3. The mail.
4. My cold is finally almost gone.
5. I BOOKED MY FLIGHT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!
FAMILY! ZION'S CAMP! CHURCH FAMILY (YORKS, BRATTS, KELLYS and GROTENHUISES)! GRANDPARENTS! CAZZ MACHINE! NEW ENGLAND! I'll be seeing you soon! <3
4.11.11
alleograph.
break me down and examine my bones.
the melded fragments, the empty marrow.
I am infused with you.
I am not my own self. I am not my old self.
I am two of us. I am two halves of one. I am one.
I am stronger.
I live because of you.
I live for you. I live for us. I live for me.
I live.
break me down. I am not broken.
I am not whole, but I am complete.
I am.
I am.
2.11.11
It is winter now.
And on those empty November nights
when our shadows flicker across the bricks that built last year.
I reach my hands out towards the eastern sky.
You are with me.
when our shadows flicker across the bricks that built last year.
I reach my hands out towards the eastern sky.
You are with me.
You are with me.
Winter Songs
I'm a believer in Thanksgiving. And I believe that it shouldn't be overlooked. And I strongly dislike that the day after Halloween people are listening to Christmas music without giving Thanksgiving a second thought. I firmly believe in listening to Christmas music; but only AFTER Thanksgiving. firmly.
But, after Halloween, I get into this weird mood for music that screams winter and the changing of seasons. Acoustic driven, soft and layered vocals that breathe warmth in the cold air. And so, today, I started creating the worlds most perfect Winter Song playlist to tie me over for the month of November. I'm listening to some of it right now and all's I want to do is be curled up by my wood stove with the snow falling outside my window. I can almost see out my big bay window back home; the way the snow swirls across the stream of light from the windows and the sound of the flame subtly rumbling in the stove. I can't wait to be home for Christmas and to stay up late, curled up in front of the window with a mug of Lemon Tea and this playlist to sing me to sleep.
Check out some of these perfect, magical winter songs:
Winter Song-Sarah Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Bank-Bon Iver
Winter Wooskie-Belle and Sebasthian
Snow Song-Ron Pope and the District
Sister Winter-Sufjan Stevens
Winter-Joshua Radin
But, after Halloween, I get into this weird mood for music that screams winter and the changing of seasons. Acoustic driven, soft and layered vocals that breathe warmth in the cold air. And so, today, I started creating the worlds most perfect Winter Song playlist to tie me over for the month of November. I'm listening to some of it right now and all's I want to do is be curled up by my wood stove with the snow falling outside my window. I can almost see out my big bay window back home; the way the snow swirls across the stream of light from the windows and the sound of the flame subtly rumbling in the stove. I can't wait to be home for Christmas and to stay up late, curled up in front of the window with a mug of Lemon Tea and this playlist to sing me to sleep.
Check out some of these perfect, magical winter songs:
Winter Song-Sarah Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
Blood Bank-Bon Iver
Winter Wooskie-Belle and Sebasthian
Snow Song-Ron Pope and the District
Sister Winter-Sufjan Stevens
Winter-Joshua Radin
1.11.11
My life
Sometimes, I remember that this is my life. And I'm the one in charge of it. And I can be whoever I want to be. And I can do whatever I want. And if I don't like where I'm going, I can wake up one day and start all over again. I am the captain of my soul. And I will see the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)