thundersnow

It seems that when life gets really hard and stressful, and my emotions are very fragile and haywire, and I've reached the very end of my straw with certain things or situations, that God gives me something to pull me back to my center.

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. Goodbyes have been made, friends have gone their ways, stress has started to sink in, work has started to pile up and endless cleaning has driven my body into massive knots of muscle and bruises. Concerns about jobs during the summer, cars running, sick boyfriends and finalizing storage plans and travel plans for the end of the semester have all been bouncing off the the inside of my head. It's been a roller coaster couple of days.

I was beginning to get to that point again where I was so focused on the problems in my life, that I was becoming blind to the simplicity that always brings me great joy and comfort.

And today, for some odd reason while it was snowing outside in Idaho, it thundered. 

Symone and I outside in the thundersnow

Standing outside for a few minutes, enjoying the sound of thunder rolling through the valley of the burg, I couldn't help but take a deep breath and pull myself back to my center. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful this world is, and how lucky I feel to witness the glory of these things, like thunderstorms. Listening to the thunder echoing, I couldn't help but have life thrown back into perspective for me. Life has it's complexities, but it always seems to me that when I sit back and enjoy thunderstorms, how simple things really and truly are.

So now, I sit at my desk, ready to finish out this month and ready to start April with the echos of thunder running through my head. I'm okay. I'm back at my center. 

I'm thankful for thunder.

Reflections

As I lie here on the floor of my somewhat clean apartment, my final goodbyes and "I love you"s having been made and the reality of the fact that one of my best friends is finally on his way for two years really starts to sink in, I sigh and reflect a little. It's quite in my apartment. Jillise is out with a friend, Sarah is asleep in the chair and Misao is sitting behind me, crocheting her thoughts out. The only sounds are those of Symone's hook squeaking against the yarn as she tightly stitches ear flaps on her brightly colored hat. My phone vibrates every once in a while, eagerly notifying me of a new text message from a friend a few states away. I sit here, on the very solid and flat floor, but I feel as if I am standing on the edge of something very big and life-altering, teetering on the edge of a precipice. 

The choice before is me is simple to put: Do I Jump, or do I let myself fall?

I never thought I would make it to school. I never thought it was a reality for me. I used to think that if I made it out of high school alive, I was lucky and blessed. But here I am. Second semester into school and making plans to continue onward. I have grown so much while being out here, and I've learned more then I could possibly imagine. And I attribute that growth and knowledge to the friends I have made out here; the people that God knowingly and willingly put into my life. I am so thankful for these people and for the bonds we've created.

Who would have thought that the boys who I met the first night I moved to Idaho in apartment 111, the boys who asked me what was wrong with my leg and when I told them the truth, the boys who gawked at me and then awkwardly told me that my life sucked; the boys who couldn't remember my name, but knew that I was the cancer kid...who would have thought that those two boys would become two of my best friends in school; two of the most reliable and trustworthy and caring and loving individuals who taught me not only how to care for myself, but how to sacrifice and serve others. Who would have thought I would have fallen head over heels in love with one of them? Who would have thought that six mere months later, my roommate and I would be sitting on Mike's couch in his home in California, spending his last weekend home with him, talking and remembering all of the fun adventures and memories we had made together?

As I sit here and think about the bond that we share with these two boys, and the connection that we have, I can't help but smile through tears. Tears that flow not for the termination of our friendship, but merely for the brief interruption that we must go through as our friends go and serve the Lord for two years. 

So, as I stand on the edge of my cliff, realizing that I will go through this process one more time in May when my boyfriend leaves to serve for two years, I smile. What a beautiful thing it is, to have so much pain at the thought of being without our friends for a few months. It is a testament to the strength of our bonds, our connections and our love for each other. A testament that this isn't over and won't be for a while. We are all stuck with each other for some time. And that is beautiful. 

I know that God will take care of my boys. I know he will take care of Symone and Zandra and I while we are without them. I know that he has a plan and that things will work out. I know that I will be comforted. I know that I have friends who will hold my hand as I walk through the next few months. I know that I am loved. 

I take a deep breath. I look below me. I see the faces of my friends. I smile.

I'm ready to jump. 

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, and the things that you never want to lose."

Sidenote: I'm sorry for the overly emotional and tad-bit dramatic entry. I write really weird and all poetic-like when I'm emotional or have a lot on my mind. and I'm not suicidal or anything. I just merely mean when I say I'm ready to jump that I am ready to take what is coming and I am not afraid. Because I am not. 

I'm not scared. 

White Glove part 2

I hate white glove. 

I despise it. 

and I hate the fact that it has to happen two weeks before the end of the semester. It just so happens that I have finals, projects, presentations, and homework galore in the next week and a half, and I do not have time this weekend to spend hours on my hands and knees cleaning, packing, moving out, or whatever. ugh.

but. I will do what is asked of me, and try to be happy about it. A packed weekend means that it will go by fast. The faster that these days go by, the closer it gets to the end of the semester, and the closer I am to being back in California. (I'm excited, can you tell?)

So, just to make sure I do not forget anything, I'm going to list this weekend out.

Today(friday) consists of:

Class.

Walmart with Benjamin and Symone

Food with Benjamin and Symone

Home. Group Project with Humanities Group. 3-6.

Greys Anatomy

Packing/Cleaning room

Living room.

Julianna sometime tonight.

Tomorrow:

Finish cleaning livingroom/room for white glove

Clean checks 12-1

Group project for Middle East at three

Julianna/Jordan

Book of Mormon Homework/paper

History Work

Sunday:

Church and homework and Julianna.

ugh. I just want to sleep like a sleepy baby.

It's okay. I will put on some good music. I will eat chocolate. I will be productive. 

This will be done by tomorrow afternoon. Even if it kills me.

White glove clean checks

This is what I feel like right now:

sunscreen

I am thankful for new, wonderful friends who give me inspirational youtube videos to make me feel better.

off day.

Please bare with me as I fiddle with the layout of this blog. I still feel like I haven't gotten it right yet.

So. For a warning. This entry is going to be very scattered and probably confusing. I have a lot on my mind, a lot to get off my chest and a lot to say. You don't have to read all of it. I will understand.

Let's just start off with the fact that today I went to get a sandwhich on campus. I always always always get a ham and cheese sandwhich on white bread with mayo, pickles and lettuce. Today, for some reason, I got roast beef instead. I don't know why. I opened my mouth and instead of ham, roast beef came out. It threw me for a loop.

I am also eating weird combinations of food today. I just finished a bag of sour cream and onion chips with a big glass of rootbeer and starbursts. I also had m&m's for breakfast this morning.

I took a shower after I got out of bed, and instead of washing my hair, I sat in the shower and just let the water rinse me. And my mind went between thinking a lot, or thinking about nothing at all.

I'm aching in weird places. My right arm feels like someone pulled blood from the crook of my elbow. And my left hip is murdering me. And it bruised spontaneously. I have this giant black and blue spread all over my left hip bone. My shoulders are really really tight too. ouch.

I really really miss my new friends in California. I miss my boyfriend. 

I'm starting to get nervous about the next few months and the changes that are about to take place. 

I fell today. I face planted it on campus. I didn't even get hurt this time. It was so humiliating and I was already super emotional that I just curled up in a ball and laughed. I just laughed like a crazy woman. My roommate did too, so I didn't look that crazy I guess.

I found out that I have this OCD quirk that involves me not being able to cut across grass if there is a sidewalk. I have to walk on the sidewalk. Weird.

I was going to crawl back into bed after my shower, but I decided to go to science class because I didn't want to sit in my bed and think about the things that have been getting me down.

I really can not wait for this semester to be over. I can not wait to be back in California with Brian and Zandra. 

My 19th birthday is tomorrow, and I keep on forgetting about it. It doesn't feel like my birthday. 

When I look back at where I was a year ago, I can not believe how far I have come, how much I've changed, and how happy I am compared to then.

I think I'm home sick. I've just been missing a lot of things that are back East lately.

I miss Brett and Juli:

I miss my Kitties:

I miss naps with Gin:

I miss music, marching band, and football games:

I miss my city. I miss Boston:

I miss my car (the one on the right):

I miss car rides with my daddy:

I miss jeep rides with Julianna:

I MISS NEW ENGLAND:

I miss my backyard and rainstorms:

I miss the beach:

I miss my parents:

"Get to know your parents...you'll never know when they'll be gone for good."

I miss my sisters:

I miss my family:

"Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."

and I really really miss my Idaho Family...already:

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on."

just an off day. 

California.

We finally went to California.

words kind of fail me, so here are some pictures.

Me and Misao landing in Reno! 

only a few minutes away from seeing our friends

FRIENDS! On our way to Nevada City, California

New Friends from Nevada City!

Best:

Classic:

Bye Bye Mike. We love you.

California Sunshine. 

Mountains and Trees.

 Old friends. 

New friends. 

Family.

Love. 

By the way. Look how far we've come:

There isn't much I can say except:

Thank you for everything.

memories and best friends

So, I'm sitting in Science, bored out of my mind and wasting away. This class is so pointless. 

I'm trying hard not to freak out or get too excited about the fact that I am finally getting OUT of Idaho tonight/tomorrow morning. I'm going to be in some beautiful Californian sunshine, in the company of my two best friends from last semester. And I am so excited to meet some new friends whom I already adore. I've got packing lists running through my mind at lightening speed, along with everything else I need to get done today before I leave.

anyways.

To pass the time in science today, I ventured into my yahoo.com email account. Scary. I'm pretty sure I had 1,089 unread messages. Most of them being spam, but there are some from Aaron, which I want to read. Apparently Bishop has failed to switch my e-mail address on the forwarding list. I also re-read some e-mails from when I was in my second year of high school between some old friends of mine. The first thing that hit me was: "Wow, I've grown up so much." We all have. Life was filled with drama, a lot of it childish and unnecessary. It amazed me to read how unhappy I was at times, and how lost I was. Looking at where I stand now, I can honestly see how far I have really come. I know who I am now, and I know where I am going. I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy with my life. 

Anyways, as I was sifting through the massive amounts of junk, I came across a confirmation email to my live journal! I totally forgot about it! I logged in, and re-read a few of my entries and this is the one that brought the biggest smile to my face.

June 9th, 2006

So I got home from camping last night. It was amazing and way too much fun. We had the perfect weather, and that just made spending the weekend in the mountains even more beautiful. I LOVE NEW HAMPSHIRE! always, Brett and Juli make my life and this weekend did not go without our laughs.

Bullet form account of our trip:

-Brett breaking his sandals within the first 10 minutes of arrival

-Sister G (Brett's mom) Discussing the color coordination of m&ms

-Ian "roughing it" in shorts

-This tent. Is bananas.

-pussy cat, pussy cat WOOOWOWOWOWOOOO!

-"Yeah, they could have made money off of me too."

-"I'm trying to think of the creepiest thing thats happened to me while I was in my bed..." (Brett said this)

-Brett and his need to have even draw-strings

-"Want to now what's weird? My sister forgot to bring socks."

-45's for six hours straight.

-The latrines. no more needs to be said, right Juli?

-Throwing water at Dave while he was sleeping. HAHAHAHA

-Staying up until 1 AM around the campfire, listening to all of the adults snore

-this sucks. i mean. sox. (with an angry glare from my mother)

I remember this weekend so perfectly. It was our first annual family camp-out (My family, Brett's family, Juli's family and the Phillips). Sometimes I wish I could back to those memories for a few days. We were so carefree (well, as carefree as possible) in moments like those.

It is with a great peace as I read this entry from three years ago that I realized that Juli and Brett are always going to be around. We're always going to be friends and they will always be around for the rest of my life. It amazes me to remember where we all were three years ago, and to look at where we are now. Juli is in her second year of college and she is going to England in a few weeks for a study abroad. Brett is in Provo as well, finishing up his first year at college and getting ready to serve his mission. We've all grown up, we've all come so far and yet, we still spend weekends out here laughing at the ridiculous things that we used to laugh at three years ago. 

I'm so thankful for my friends and for the knowledge that they will always be around. It's so nice having that comfort. 

FACT: I have weird dreams.

So, it is a well-known fact about me, if you are lucky enough to have been friends with me long enough to talk to me in the morning, that I have weird dreams. and I mean weird.

just an example:

two nights ago, I had a dream that I was standing outside of a gate of this big house, watching a pregnant lady walk towards it. All of a sudden, there was this dark figure standing next to me. I turned to look at him and he was really scary. It was like he was an orc, a dementor, Lord Voldermort, and a mutant from Xmen all in one. It didn't really freak me out though, which is odd. Anyways, all of a sudden, the figure vanished and I could see the pregnant lady stop and all of a sudden there were scratches all over her stomach (like in the 6th sense) and there was blood everywhere. Things blacked out and then we were inside of the house and she wasn't pregnant anymore. then, all of a sudden, I was in the upstairs of my grandparents old house. (one of my favorite houses ever). I was walking through a bathroom to get to a bedroom when my sister called and asked me if I could take her to the library. I was then in my car, which was sometime my hyudai or it was sometimes my old car, the oldsmobile. I was in the driveway waiting for her, when a lady pulled in behind me (a different one) and got out of the car. She told me that her GPS said that she could get a glass of water at my house. I went inside my house and got her a glass of water. She had a little girl with her, who I recognized to be a little girl named Amelia that I used to nanny for, three summers ago. Amelia was holding my hand, but somehow managed to pull my tanzanite ring off of my finger and throw it into the yard. 

and that was it.

weird huh? no other words for it, but weird.

last night/this morning, I had even more weird dreams. The kind of dreams that are not only weird, but they pull on your heartstrings because they put you in situations that you want, or with people that you miss.

I had a dream that my parents flew me home for a weekend. It was so nice to be back in my house, with my family. I wanted to stay for good, but I realized I needed to go back to finals week. I was then back in my apartment, and I was getting ansty because I hadn't heard from my boyfriend all day. Symone took my cellphone and called him, and someone picked up. She talked for a few minutes and then hung up. I was really mad because I wanted to talk to him. So I called him and MIKE picked up. I was really confused because Mike was in california and Brian was in florida. I asked Mike if he was with Brian and if I could talk to him. Mike told me to wait for a minute and then there was a knock on my door. I went to answer it and Mike and Brian were standing outside of our door! They had come to visit and help us pack up our apartment for the end of the semester. I remember launching myself into Mike and giving him a huge hug, and then turning to give Brian a huge hug as well. We then started to talk and laugh, and then, my grandmother, Bon-Bon, waltzes through the door to announce that she has started to cook a turkey two doors down and dinner will be ready in a few hours.

Now, my grandmother passed away a couple years ago. 

She looked great, and talked exactly how I remembered her too. 

There were a couple other things that happened that are now fading away and I can't get them back.

I just know that I really miss Brian and Mike; but that will be fixed in three days when I am in California with them. 

I really miss my grandmother. 

I woke up and my first thought was to call her and talk to her, and then I realized I couldn't do that. I haven't had that happen to me in a very long time.

My heartstrings definitely hurt.

Anyways.

I need to shower. 

A lot to get done today.

dear stress, love Chelsie

Dear Stress,

I am not a fan of you. I think you have stayed long enough. 

For your information, I spent five hours solid in the Library on Saturday, and then another two and a half locked in my room saturday night doing all of that work that I need to do. I also locked myself in my room for five hours yesterday, doing work that I needed to do. Oh, and I did a TON of work today. I feel like I am starting to tread water, instead of drowning. I have post it notes for every day this week, everything is outlined and everything WILL get done.

I think I have a job this summer, possibly two, if Middleton decides to take me back. so there. 

So, in conclusion. You can go away. I've got it covered. And when I don't have it covered, I know I have friends, family and a boyfriend who have my back.

I'm going to california in three days. I'm going to be with the people who I love most. I'm going to be stress free and carefree. So there.

Love,

Chelsie