And in that moment, we were infinite.

"There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don't know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam's pickup truck. Sam loves her pickup truck because I think it reminds her of her dad. The feeling had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept on getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word "baby" in it. And then more commercials. and finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.

Same tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something.

"I feel infinite."

And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they

ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all 

really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly 

spent and we felt young in a good way...

We hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, 

and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful 

song called "Landslide". When we got out of the tunnel, Sam

screamed this really fun scream and there is was. Downtown.

Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder.

Sam started laughing.

Patrick started laughing.

I started laughing.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

There are only two times in my life that I can ever

remember feeling like that. I never even knew how to 

describe that feeling until I read that passage in that book.

And then it all fit. There is no other way to describe it. Infinite.

The first time I remember feeling like that was the first summer that Juli got her Jeep.

We took the top off, the doors off, and took it for it's first spin to get some icecream and

to enjoy the beautiful sunshine. On the way back from the store, a summer rainstorm happen upon us and we were getting pelted in the face with rain as we drove along the side streets of Londonderry, laughing so hard that we were in danger of driving off the road. And then I put in the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Stadium Arcadium, Mars) and all of a sudden there was nothing better then that moment. A Jeep, the wind, the summer rain, RHCP, and my best friend...

we were infinite. 

The other time I can remember feeling like that was on the car ride down to Salt Lake City the last weekend of the Fall semester to see the Aquabats. I was riding shotgun, in the car with two of my closest friends in the world. We were laughing and having a good time and then "Check Yes Juliet" came on and we all started singing and clapping and all of a sudden, there was nothing better or happier then that moment. 

We were Infinite.

I love to live for moments like those. Moments where you are so happy and nothing can bring you down because you have the best music, going to the best places and you are in the best company. Moments when you are truly infinite.

There is Always Hope

This is one of my first roommates when I was sick. This was taken in 2006. Her name is Amelia, she is 8 months old in this picture and she had leukemia and the chances of her surviving the two year treatment plan were very slim.

This is Amelia this summer.

This is her with her new backpack:

And this is her starting school, three years after I met her.

In conclusion. There is always hope.

Wisdom from Morrie.

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how live."

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

-Tuesdays with Morrie.

Supernatural

I forgot how big of an impact this song had on me:

Her Headaches are constant,

Increasing in pain

With each passing day.

She can't even manage 

To stand on her own, it's gotten so bad.

Now you think of saying

There's no use in praying.

And still, she bows her head.

So she can say:

Thank you for just one more day.

Supernatural PAtience

Graces her face

And her voice never raises.

All because of a love

Never let go.

He has every reason to throw up his fists

In the face of his God

Who let his mother die.

Through all the prayers and tears,

She still passed in pain anyway.

Now you think of saying 

There's no use in Praying

And still, he bows his head.

So he can say:

Thank you for ending her pain.

He is teaching me

What love really means.

-Supernatural, Flyleaf (acoustic version)

Just something to think about, I guess.

What now?

So, I'm in limbo with my hair again. I want a change. My roots are coming in, and keeping up with the current color is a lot of work. But I don't know what to do with it! I've been looking through the last three years of pictures, at all of my different hair styles and colors. Look what I found:

Summer 2005, at the car wash. Natural color, streaked naturally by sun.

Fall of 2005. Highlights. Long Hair. Should I grow it out?

Winter of 2006. Fire Engine Red. I would do this again, if I wasn't at school

Winter of 2007. Hair coming back in. Fohawk. Pretty Rad.

Winter Break 2007. Pixie Cut. 

Spring of 2007. Long Bangs, short sides.

October of 2007. New Natural Brown. I kind of like this color.

Winter of 2007. Natural Curls. I miss these. 

Winter of 2008. Blonde. I'm not doing this again.

March of 2008. Redish Brown. Not really a fan.

Summer of 2008. Dark Brown with redish undertone? I kind of liked this too

Summer 2008. Curls. A perm? Should I curl it more often?

September 2008. Back to dark brown. And I'm tan. 

School. Light brown and pink.

Pink and light brown again. The bottom was a darker brown, but didn't work out so well.

November 2008. Black and Pink. 

2009. Still black and pink, but short and styled. 

So, that is all of the colors and shapes and styles I have gone through. I don't know.

I'm going to kill my hair. hahaha. 

This was a pointless and random blog. I feel like I should add something significant:

Love knows no distance. 

Peace out, Girl Scout.

Sometimes I need a refresher

Sometimes I feel like I fall so out of touch with the person I have become over the last few years. Last night, I recounted a story to a friend of mine about the day I lost my hair. I thought about that story all day today. I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept on thinking about that day, the people I was with, the person I was and the person who I was becoming and the experiences and opportunities that I went on to experience. 

February 2nd will mark three years since I entered the world of cancer. It's been so long since those days spent in the hospital and I've slowly reverted back to "normal" life. 

Lately I've been getting down on myself and reverting back to some of the old outlooks on life I used to have. It's been bothering me. Today, I sat down and read through my blog that I kept during the year of treatment and relived some of the most painful and happiest moments of my life. I called my best friend and together, we went through some of the funniest times and saddest times of that year. I haven't laughed that hard in AGES.

I stumbled across something I wrote the night of my last chemo treatment: 

I won't lie. It hasn't been easy. It still isn't. Losing my hair, not being able to go to school, not being able to get my license, and not being able to play with my band were all things I faced. But, I have had the best of friends, family and church members behind me every step of the way. They have learned along with me what cancer had to teach. It has shown me that material things don't matter. It is watching thunderstorms roll in with my dad, going on long car rides with my best friends, learning and bettering myself in my talents, playing games with my siblings, enjoying days that are full of warm rain and good books; these are the things that I now consider the most precious thins in my life. Cancer has taught me to appreciate the simple things in life, and it has shown me that it is my friends and family that are the most important things in my life, not the hair, or the license. It has taught me to put all of my faith and trust in God, and it has brought me closer to him. It has brought my family closer together, it has taught and shown me how to smile, how to keep a positive attitude, to never let the opportunity to tell someone how much I love them pass me by. It has shown me death, and it has shown me how to accept it, no matter how much it hurts and how hard it can be.

And it has shown me hope. It has shown me the hope of tomorrow and the hope of today. It has shown me that hope is key to getting through the tough days. It has shown me how to spread hope and how to accept it. Yes, Cancer is hard. Cancer is a horrible disease, and no child or adult should have to go through it. But I would not trade in what I have learned from fighting cancer for anything else in the world.

Reading that today brought tears to my eyes. I remember. I remember what all of those feelings used to feel like. I still have them. I still believe in them. I still live by them.

But sometimes I need a refresher.

And now I can go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to go.

Observations from the first day of the new semester

Humanities-Heroic Journey 11:30 AM

Class is in the Taylor, second floor, which is a bummer, cause I have to do stairs. The professor just walked in, he looks decent...we will see. Class is pretty full...alrighty...here we go.

HAHAHA. This teacher just said "Oh flip!" in frustration and called a painting a "picture of some crap!" He also referred to a Matisse picture as: "an acid flashback...not that I know what an acid flashback looks like...but if I did, I would hope it looked like this." I think I'm going to like him. 

International Foundations-12:45 PM

I'm so hungry. Flip lunch time. I'm sitting next to this girl who has the greenest eyes I have ever seen. She's really nice. Maybe we'll be friends. I also met this kid who is originally from Boston. HE LIKES THE PATRIOTS! YES! 

Class wise? It will be interesting. The teacher is actually a English Teacher, and not trained in the ways of the Middle East. hmmmm. 

Book Of Mormon-3:15 PM

The girl in front of me used to live in Nevada City. My heart sunk a little. I miss you. 

Back home. Apartment is still messy, and we're still unpacking. Misao and I are working on this guitar thing. We're getting there. My fingers hurt. Amber stopped by for a while. Paul too. A lot of familiar faces all of a sudden from back East. I miss New England. 

Bow-ties and Prego for dinner. Misao is sitting by my feet and we are laughing at the silly things that come out of our mouths and try to keep ourselves busy and occupied and our minds off the fact that it is only 8:15 and where we should be and who we should be laughing with.

This will be hard. But we'll be okay. We'll hold each other together and we will push each other forward so that we can make it through the semester, off of academic probation and into the summer sun and breezes.

Back to the Burg

End of break. Leaving for the Burg in 16 hours, from Boise with Jillise.

I got a hair cut a few days ago. Two inches off everywhere. First major hair cut in two years. It was so scary and impulsive. I like it.

Jillise and I are sitting in the dark of her room, the only light coming from our computer screens as we procrastinate our packing. My iTunes library is playing some good music, and it all fits the mood. Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Between The Trees and Stephen Speaks. And of course The Veronicas. I'm surprised Jillise hasn't murdered me yet; I've played it so many times today, trying to get all of those words down. I'm almost there. 

In a little bit, we will both close our computer screens and close our eyes. If thoughts will stop running through my head, then maybe I will get some rest. Hahaha, fat chance. Tonight was filled with a lot of happenings, and I'm still trying to process it all, on top of everything that is going on in a few hours. Fear, Love, Happiness, Aloneness, Excitement, Anxiety. I'm trying to sort them all out, but right now, it's all a blur.

 There are a few people who I wish I could be sitting next to right now; some company I wish I could be keeping. Maybe tonight, sleep will provide me the ability to be close to those who are far away. 

I have taught Jillise the ways of the snorting laugh. Heck yes. Our whole apartment will be filled with snorting tomorrow night when we reunite in the cold tundra known as the Burg. I will be back in the arms once again of my twin, and together, we will go back to our routine of leaving epic video messages on Zandra, Mike and Brian's facebooks and cracking jokes that only our Californian friends would find funny.

Things change so fast these days, but it's nice to know that there will be some people who will never leave or let you down. I think I'm finally believing and realizing who those people are.

I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more

Don't even think about what's right or wrong, or wrong or right

'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around 

To answer all the questions left behind

And You and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today

You've still got me to hold you up up

And I will never let you down down.

-The Veronicas. 

I WILL MASTER THIS SONG!

So this is the new year...

...and I don't feel any different...

I feel like I should have resolutions for 2009; I feel like I need them. I really want to better myself and become a better person, and while that is always my constant goal, I feel like actually verbalizing smaller goals and resolutions will help me achieve them. 

1. When I need help, ask for it or accept it.

2. Don't spend my money on things I do not need.

3. Get off of academic probation.

4. Call my sisters more often.

5. Go to California.

6. Make my parents proud.

7. Learn to do what is best for me, even if it isn't what I want.

8. Keep in touch with my friends back East more.

9. See the beauty in everything.

10. Sleep more.

11. Tell the people who I love that I love them more.

12. Don't let distance come between the people who matter the most.

13. Let people care about me.

14. Learn to accept my flaws and imperfections and understand that the people who can't accept them do not matter.

I think that will do.

I wish the world was flat, like the old days

then I could travel just by folding a map

no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways,

there'd be no distance that could hold us back...

there'd be no distance that could hold us back...

-Death Cab For Cutie

I miss you.

Observations from an Airplane

6:30 AM

People eat the most peculiar things at the wee hours of the morning. Some little kid just walked by my seat carrying a box of onion rings. The old man sitting in the window seat of my row is eating baked potato chips. 

I do not like flying at all.

I hope I can sleep.

I have echos of my friend's voice in my head, (I just got off the phone with him) telling me that I will be fine and I keep replaying his words over, trying to keep my breathing even. 

This plane is stuffy and smells funny.

I do not want to leave New England all of a sudden. All week, actually all break; I have been itching to get back to Idaho, and to school and to all of my friends. But as I sit on the runway and look out to the Boston skyline across the harbor, I all of a sudden get this twisty knot in my stomach of longing. I am not sure if I am as ready as  thought I was to leave the trees and the hills and the streams.

If my iPod dies, I'm going to be so pissed. 

I am so tired.

I like our flight attendant's voice. It's soothing.

I hope I don't miss my connection to Boise.

My eyes are having a hard time staying open. 

I'm scared to go back to Idaho. I'm scared about how empty it is going to feel.

I have to potty. 

I want my bed.

I feel very whiney, but my only excuse is that it comes with a serious lack of sleep and overly emotionally draining days.

It's time for take off and I'm so nervous. It's so windy outside and Dad says that it will make a very bumpy ride.

I'm looking out the window, which is a first for me and flying, but I want to see Boston one more time. It's beautiful. The sun is just starting to hit the building and they are glowing with warmth. I can see the Charles River running along Storrow drive and the Zakim Bridge. And i can see the Citgo sign, still lighted up at this time in the morning, popping up over the green walls of Fenway Park. I can follow the sign to Kenmore Square and down into Brookline Plaza. I can't see it exactly, but I can make out the area where Children's is and Dana Farber and the Jimmy Fund behind it.

The Zakim Bridge

This probably has to be the most beautiful view of Boston I have ever seen. Maybe flying isn't so bad.

Turbulence. I'm just kidding. I hate flying.

It's safe to turn my iPod on. I'm putting on my plane playlist, filled with Howard Shore and Hans Zimmerman. That should cover the drone of the plane engines and the wooshing of the air being blown. 

The old man sitting in the window seat keeps on having to go to the bathroom, so I have to keep moving for him. I don't know if I'm going to get much sleep.

I miss Maddie.