catch up

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

8th grade Chelsie

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

4th semester in college Chelsie:

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

via weheartit

Day 13 — A fictional book

"Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

Day 14 — A non-fictional book:

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in

Day 15 — A fanfic

.... i have no idea....

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

maddie's song:

I really have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do without you when you go home.

a question

the question is: do i go for it without saying a thing? or do i speak up? do i ignore my fears or do I face them? can i let myself actually be happy again or do i let all of my insecurities and fears get in the way of something that looks like it is full of potential? Is there really something there or is it just me? Can I let my trust barriers down and actually open up? Is there time to open up? Should I just take it as it comes?

I don't know.

but as I lay here in my bed with my window cracked and the sounds of soft rain falling with the occasional breeze sweeping by; the sounds of SPRING and promised green things and with such an eventful and full day behind me; I realize that I'm happy. I mean, i'm stressed beyond words and I have SO MUCH work to do before the end of this week, and I'm honestly petrified about the goodbye that I have to face next week but. I'm think I'm really happy.

i guess the real question is: can I actually allow myself to be happy this time?

I am powerful despite my injuries.

happy 20th birthday, Chelsabelle

you know,
my blog is a place where i find release in; where i find comfort and security in knowing that here, I can let my emotions go and find peace through my writing.
but this blogging community that I am involved in is starting to cause me some serious heartache. I can't help but read some things and feel like it is a direct attack to me.

I feel like I've been put on a massive guilt trip; that some of my actions have caused others to respond in ways that have hurt me. I feel that I haven't met up to everyone's expectations and that I am a disappointment for being human. I feel like I've let people down and that isn't fair. Know one knew what was going on in my life, in his life or where we stood or why I was hunkering down in my shell tonight.

I'm done.

I'm just done with these blog wars.
I realize that this blog might be considered one, but really.

I'm done.

virtual chior

um. coolest thing ever?

i think so.

I just need to hold onto Friday. eight hours of me and the Cazz machine.

tuesday

it's 11:40 pm on a tuesday night and i'm teary. ugh. i haven't been teary in weeks and it's been such a beautiful change in my life this semester. but i'm teary tonight because Tuesdays are usually my favorite days and today sucked. I was close to losing my only source of income and in turn my ability to stay here in the spring and pay for my car. I came home from work, putted around, vented, whined, studied, took a test, came back home and was just a mess. Not a teary mess. Just a quite and reserved and lost in my thoughts kind of mess. I'm really good at beating myself up sometimes and tonight I really let myself have it. I feel like such a disappointment, to myself and to others. I hate that I haven't lived up to my goals and potential this semester. I hate that I can't get myself on track for longer then a few days. I'm just disappointed in a lot about myself tonight. I'm just not good enough today.
I went and got Jamba Juice with Vicki and ran into the store to stalk up on my usual bread, milk, block of cheese, wheat thins and chips a'hoy. I came home and my roommates went to run errands and I was left in the silence of my apartment. I melted chocolate and dipped cake balls. Brad stopped by for a bit, but he was exhausted and only stayed for a few minutes to chat. My roommates came home and I retreated to my room because I'm just not in a good enough place to be in company right now. I watched Gossip Girl and I thought about my english paper. And I got teary. I finally realized that the only thing that would have made me feel better today was if I admitted to being a hermit crab and curled up in my shell for a few minutes. But I've been trying really hard to be brave and to suck it all in and be my own shell because the one that I'm used to isn't going to be around much longer. I think I might have exhausted that one out anyways. I'm so demanding sometimes and I'm so needy and I need to change it. I've been trying to figure out how to be on my own again, because I'm coming back to the point where I have to say goodbyes and I'll have to figure out how to stand on my own to feet.  I'm already feeling the difference and the slow, but sure shift in the way things are. Maybe this is the emotion that I've been afraid to feel finally bursting through; the fear and anxiety of another piece of me drive away. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just afraid to say goodbye.
I do know this:
Today has been hard, in more than the way of my job almost being terminated.
I am realizing a lot, beating myself up, and finally letting myself feel the fear of fearing regret. Because that is what I think I am scared of most; I'm scared of regretting letting people in. I'm scared of regretting letting my walls and defenses down. I'm scared of a repeat.
I just feel alone tonight.

I've aspire to be so much more then what I am. But I need to remember what Brother said the other day; about how sometimes we need to focus on improving what we have instead of changing what we have. I can't change some things about myself or change myself in some ways that make me different, but I can improve the things that I do have.

I aspire to improve.

Keep moving forward and keep breathing.
be thankful for your trials and for being alive.
know that people are pulling for you and love you.
stay focused, keep your chin up and don't be afraid to feel.

you can do it, chelsiebelle.

disappointments: work. family foundations. a friend. stress. MRI. alone.

achievement: i finally got a 93 on my history test.

holding on to the smallest things will get me by

fields of dreams

favorite photo shoot i've ever done. my sisters are beautiful and this New England summer day was gorgeous. and i miss them.

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

i miss you, Idaho family

knowing that this comfort and family will never really be the same again kind of breaks my heart.

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

a photo that makes me happy

two of my very best friends, in my new england, on my coast, on the fourth of July. Best weekend ever, hands down. 

this picture right here: this picture is happiness

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

gives me hope

Three days ago, my best friend died. 

Two days ago, I found that she was an organ donor. 

One day ago, I heard that a nine year old boy now had her heart. 

Today, I met that nine year old boy. He told me that because he had my best friend's heart, he'd be my best friend now. My best friend and him GMH.

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

keep on breathing

As long as I'm breathing, I'm alive. As long as I'm breathing, I'm surviving. Even on my worst days,

the fact that my lungs are still filling up with air, keeps me going.

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Grey's Quotes

My friendship with Juli is defined by three things: Left over China Food, camping adventures and Grey's Anatomy. Juli always says at the end of every episode: "I don't understand why I like this show, nothing good ever happens. People die and people get their hearts broken." But I think that is the beauty of the show. Grey's is sad. Bad things happen to the characters. But that is what life is like. And it's about overcoming those bad things and surviving and learning and being able to keep going at the end of the day.


This is what Grey's has taught me:




Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.


 We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.


Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it.


We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.


Everyone has a shadow. And the only way to get rid of a shadow,is to turn off the light. To stop running from the darkness, and face what you fear. Head on.


Bones break. Organs burst. Flesh tears. We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain. But when life breaks down... when we break down... there's no science. No hard and fast rules. We just have to feel our way through


 Some days ... the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again.


Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely. 


Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything.


Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all.


Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today.

did you say it?

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

call me a geek, call me a nerd, call me whatever you want. I stand by my choice to say that my favorite movie of all time is the Lord of the Rings. Escaping to Middle Earth makes everything better.

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

the next few days...

Although I say to almost every song I love: "this is my song!", if I had to pick ONE song in this whole wide world to be my life theme song, this would be it. This song saves me when I'm not to sure I'll survive. 

Day 01 — Your favorite song

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

don't say goodbye

"i hope everything is going well in your life."


it is. things are good and i think i'm passing family foundations.
but that statement scared me. it almost sounded like a goodbye.


please don't go anywhere. 

Erin: "I'm glad you're back, Chelsie"

I'm finally figuring out how to be the roommate that my roomies need me to be.

i'm happy today

i went to all of my classes today.
i talked to my mom for a while; and of course she made me crack up laughing. (do me a favor and change your ring tone, i'm tired of RUN BABY RUNNNN!)
i went to work and was productive.
i came home and had girl time with my roommates. (YO YO YO, this is jillise..and...just leave me a message)
my best friend showed up and took my extra mattress (and me) to his apartment and i got to fill him in on my life and hear about his life and look up chuck norris jokes.
i talked to someone i adore from back home all evening.
i talked to my julianna and made wedding plans. (day old chinese food and the pull out couch the day before she becomes mrs. bratt)
i booked my flight home for may (13-16th!)
i worked on my paper (religion and america schools)
i encouraged kevin to be a man and ask her out (JUST DO IT!)
i spent time with a new friend who came over
i played cribbage with people and got a 17 point hand
i met my best friend's best friend
i sang old camp songs about the dead moose
i laughed harder than i've laughed in weeks at erin's rhyming (polly wally...something about a booger)
i watched old 80's commercials and relived a million childhood tv shows(FRAGGLE ROCK!)

today has been a beautiful day and i'm genuinely happy, which let me tell you, hasn't happened in a long time. it feels so good to be okay.

 I don't like promises. Even promises made with the best intentions tend to be broken.

aftershock

well. here comes the aftershock.

what am i supposed to say when I am all choked up and you're okay?

Today has been okay

new layout, new picture, new pages (see the top)
and back to There and Back Again
because I realized that swinging has always been enough.


I was going to blog about a few in depth things tonight, but I'm tired.
Today was a long day; but it was a good day.
I had breakfast with Jord and Juli; I spent a good hour pampering Cazz
(fluid checks, a wash, cleaning out the trunk and insides and wiping down every surface with turtle wax wipes)
I ended up in my favorite place after a rather spontaneous choice to drive to Jackson Hole and into Grand Teton National park,
I sang my heart out and my voice hoarse,
I went to Opera Scenes with Jillise to see Erin preform and it was AMAZING
a new friend made me genuinely laugh,
I watched a movie with my roommates that moved me
and now I'm going to snuggle with my best friend and watch Grey's Anatomy and The Office, because that's just what we do.


yes. today has been okay. 

on the plus side though, minus this whole overwhelmed stuff built up behind walls, today was a good day.

temple hopping, in-n-out, rat-a-tat-cat, horsing around, rainstorm.

good memories. too bad i've been over thinking and that is causing dread and anxiety.

overwhelmed.

overwhelmed.

i really don't think that my mind can keep up with the rate of my thoughts.

they change every second and i'm getting dizzy.

rat-a-tat-cat. i switched a five for a seven. wrong way, chelsie.

hip. knee. cancer-free. surgery. will this ever end?

pain. throbbing. cancer-free. surgery.

best friend. married. lonely. boston. salt lake city. surgery.

money. worries. surgery. being needy. hurt.

surgery.

overwhelmed.

i took my five minutes and i was a victim.

and i've sucked it all in, built up my walls and i'm ready to move along.

or at least...everyone else will see that.

let it go

But i'm letting it go. Someone else loves you and needs you far more then I did. She's inspiring and beautiful and loved you first and deserves to be loved with your all. Who am I to stand in the way of that? And someone else will love and need me far more then you ever did. Someone will stand by me the whole time and not leave. I am deserving of that devotion. And I'm learning that every day.

thank you for teaching me those things and for the lessons I am still learning. I have come so far from the person I was a year ago. Because of the things that happened and the events that have taken place, I have had the opportunity to grown and learn. And I have some amazing people in my life right now who have taken that girl and her pieces and have helped stitch her back up and put her together and fix what you broke. And they have taught me how to fix myself too. All lessons and moments that I wouldn't trade for the world because I'm better for them.

March Madness

happy march!

goals for this month include the following:

1. budget money better

2. get my health back on track

3. pull up my grades

4. get myself back together and keep it together

5. improve

the month holds the following events:

1. Salt Lake City with Geoff 3rd-4th to see orthopedic surgeon to figure out hip issues

2. Wedding planning every other weekend with best friend

3. Acoustic Cafe

4. Kira's wedding reception

5. Whit-bit's birthday

6. MY birthday

three specific things I really want to work on this month:

1. Morning prayer

2. Sleeping more

3. Keeping in touch with my siblings on a general basis

Today has been okay. the real kind of okay. the okay that was filled with the spirit, with comforting faces, with heart-to-hearts, with time and conversation spent with a best friend, with reassuring hugs, with funny conversations, with good food and with scripture study and apartment bonding. promises were kept, plans were made and today has been okay.