Dream on...

I got a lot accomplished in my head last night. I know that sounds weird. But even as I was sleeping, my mind kept on turning and processing and realizing and strategizing. I think I have a plan. Actually, I know I do. But what is more important about this plan is not the fact that I have one, or that I intend to follow through with it, but the fact that I finally let go of my fears and insecurities in order to let myself make one. I don't know if I will be able to get out everything that I want to or need to, but I am going to try. I need to write it down, make it concrete and tangible and real. If i don't, I will lose sight of it, and I can't afford that to happen. Not anymore.

My room is a mess. And usually, I'm indifferent about it, but lately, it's ben driving me up a wall. My laundry, although clean, has yet to be put away, even though it was taken out of the dryer three or four days ago. I have four or five pairs of shoes lying everywhere. Once again, I'm not sure where exactly my wallet is, or if my I-card is in it. Although I've been doing a lot better in my schooling, I still feel like i have no form of structure. I've been trying to call home more often, but i still feel out of touch with my sisters and brother. And I'm tired of it, of these unorganized and scattered pieces of my life. Because it's more then just my messy room, my unstructured schooling and my lack of communication with home. The little snatches of my life are only a small fraction of the real mess I feel like I'm in.

Why did I let it get like this?

This is what I came up with last night, this morning; while I was awake and while I was asleep; while I was talking to my friends and while I was talking to God, and while I was talking with myself.

It's time, Chelsie. It's time to dream again. It's time to let it all go, to leave all of the fears and the insecurities and the shame behind. It's holding you back, and has been for a while. It's time to let it go.

I've finaly come to the full realization that ever since getting sick, three years ago, that I have been afraid to dream, to look forward towards the duture, to make big goals and have aspirations. All of a sudden, everything that I had beenn working towards living for, and looking forward to, vanished. I watched as the simplest and littlest things that I had taken for granted every day of my life were taken away, and suffered the sever pain and heartbreak of losing those tings. It soon became pointless for me to even hope or look forward to the moments where it seemed I might have a glimpse of those little joys of life back. I would watch days ass by and things draw closer and then, when it finally seemed I would have something back within my grasp, it was taken away again; snatched up right in front of my eyes. And while it taught me to appreciate those things more and more, my life soon followed the motto: One day at a time. That was all I could handle, and all I could take. I stopped hoping and dreaming, because the heartbreak and fear of watching those dreams and hopes getting taken away was unbearable.

And I have not stopped living my life like that since then. Graduating, working, going to college...they were all things that I never really worked to get to. I just worked one day at a time and eventually all of those days brought me up to those points in my life. Looking back over the last semester, I realize that I was still in the rut of not having dreams. Instead of looking forward, like most college students do, I took a couple steps back. I lost one of the most beautiful and wonderful little girls to the very same demon that I face and fear. She was seriously one of the most brilliant and amazing people I have ever come to know and love, and losing her was and still is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through. Losing her was like losing the little momentum I had gained to dream again. Once again, it was like watching something come to close to being attained and reached and then having it snatched away; leaving another gaping hole in my heart and the will to dream and to hope and to move forward, completely gone.

God only knows where I would have ended up if he didn't put some of the most amazing people in my life last semester. People who reached out to me, who got to know me, who learned about me, who saw me for who I was, and saw my potential for what I could become. People who wanted to listen to me, and who wanted to learn with me, and who encouraged me to dream even though I refused to do so myself. People who lifted me up, pushed me forward, and never left my side. And people who had dreams of their own and who shared them willingly with me.

Last night, I as on the phone with one of my very best friends and the conversation we had really helped m mind start moving. It amazes me how much this person inspires me, in so many ways. Although we've only known each other for a few months, this person knows more about me then almost anyone else does, and loves me anyways. My best friend has always been aware of my fear to dream, and never stopped encouraging me to start up again. And over the past few months, and spending a lot of time with him, along with two other wonderful people, I have caught myself once in a while actually looking past the next day or week. And for a moment, I would get excited. I would see things that I wanted, things that I could work towards, things that I could achieve and accomplish! And then, the fear would hit me so hard and so fast that I would shut down and close out any hope of those dreams.

Anyways, last night, we got on a topic that requires some serious dreaming and hoping and planning. And as we talked about the future...I realized that I wanted it. I wanted it so much and so badly that it almost hurt. And I realized that I could have it. It could happen, and it could come true. I realized that although I cannot change my fate and that some things are out of my control; I can have control over everything else. It is, after all, my life.

I need to live for myself a little bit more. I realize that I do. I am always living for others; which, don't get me wrong, isn't a bad thing. I love to live for others. I live for my family, for my friends, and for people who I don't even know yet, but will know when they come into my life. I live for those who passed on, at first because I felt guilty for being alive, when they aren't. Now, it's more because I want them to look down on me and be proud of me. But, as many of my close friends point out, I need to live for myself as well. So, I'm going to work on that.

I want to embrace everything about myself. I want to remember my past and love everything about it. I figure that if there is someone out there who can know everything about me and love me anyways, than I should be able to love everything about myself as well. I realize that this will take a lot of time and a lot of work, because I am my own worse enemy, but I want to get there. I want to be confident in myself. I want to feel like I'm beautiful. I want to stop pushing parts of me away because I'm afraid of them. How silly it is, to be afraid of myself; to be afraid of my potential, and my dreams and hopes. But I am. And I want that to change.

I want to trace my hands and look at them and say: "These hands belong to Chelsie Caroline Whitney, and someday will do something worth being proud of."

I need to focus and I need motivation. I think that is why I haven't really gotten anywhere in the past months. It's because I haven't  had anywhere to go. In order to get somewhere, I need to know where I'm going! and that means I need to dream. I need to hope.

So here goes:

I want to be successful in school. I want to get good grades, and make my parents proud. I want to learn how to obtain a career I love (right now, that would be teaching history and/or english). I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people who I love and I want to make sure I never let go of those people. I want to travel, preferably with someone who I love. I want to go to New Zealand. I want to keep up with my music. I want to write more and work on becoming better at it, because I think someday I want to write a book. I want to become a better photographer. I want to work with animals in my spare time. I don't know what that entails yet, but I know I want to do it. I want to hike a mountain again. I never want to stop learning. I want to be in love. I want to get married, to someone who fits me and completes me and loves me for exactly who and how I am. I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. And fifty years later, I want to be madly in love with my husband as I was the day I married him. I want to be like my grandmother. I want to be a friend to everyone and love everyone. I want to be like Maddie. I want to give people hope. I want to be like my mom. I want to be able to give without a question or second thought. I want to love uncondtionally.

It is time to stop living my life one day at a time and to start living it for the future.

On a side note: I want to use post-it notes more. I want my room to be covered in them. random thoughts or quotes or lyrics that I want to share or keep around or inspire me. I want to read more and spend less time on facebook during the day. I want to make lists and check them off so I feel accomplished. I want to eat better. That might take time.

I want to continue my goal of telling people that I love, that I love them, all of the time.

And those are my thoughts of today. I'm going to clean my room now, and put that clean laundry away. I'm going to make a list, so I feel accomplished. And a count down until Misao and I are once again in the company and arms of our two best friends in the warm Californian sunshine, being infinite one more time.

And in that moment, we were infinite.

"There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don't know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam's pickup truck. Sam loves her pickup truck because I think it reminds her of her dad. The feeling had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept on getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word "baby" in it. And then more commercials. and finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.

Same tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something.

"I feel infinite."

And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they

ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all 

really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly 

spent and we felt young in a good way...

We hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, 

and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful 

song called "Landslide". When we got out of the tunnel, Sam

screamed this really fun scream and there is was. Downtown.

Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder.

Sam started laughing.

Patrick started laughing.

I started laughing.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

There are only two times in my life that I can ever

remember feeling like that. I never even knew how to 

describe that feeling until I read that passage in that book.

And then it all fit. There is no other way to describe it. Infinite.

The first time I remember feeling like that was the first summer that Juli got her Jeep.

We took the top off, the doors off, and took it for it's first spin to get some icecream and

to enjoy the beautiful sunshine. On the way back from the store, a summer rainstorm happen upon us and we were getting pelted in the face with rain as we drove along the side streets of Londonderry, laughing so hard that we were in danger of driving off the road. And then I put in the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Stadium Arcadium, Mars) and all of a sudden there was nothing better then that moment. A Jeep, the wind, the summer rain, RHCP, and my best friend...

we were infinite. 

The other time I can remember feeling like that was on the car ride down to Salt Lake City the last weekend of the Fall semester to see the Aquabats. I was riding shotgun, in the car with two of my closest friends in the world. We were laughing and having a good time and then "Check Yes Juliet" came on and we all started singing and clapping and all of a sudden, there was nothing better or happier then that moment. 

We were Infinite.

I love to live for moments like those. Moments where you are so happy and nothing can bring you down because you have the best music, going to the best places and you are in the best company. Moments when you are truly infinite.

There is Always Hope

This is one of my first roommates when I was sick. This was taken in 2006. Her name is Amelia, she is 8 months old in this picture and she had leukemia and the chances of her surviving the two year treatment plan were very slim.

This is Amelia this summer.

This is her with her new backpack:

And this is her starting school, three years after I met her.

In conclusion. There is always hope.

Wisdom from Morrie.

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how live."

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

-Tuesdays with Morrie.

Supernatural

I forgot how big of an impact this song had on me:

Her Headaches are constant,

Increasing in pain

With each passing day.

She can't even manage 

To stand on her own, it's gotten so bad.

Now you think of saying

There's no use in praying.

And still, she bows her head.

So she can say:

Thank you for just one more day.

Supernatural PAtience

Graces her face

And her voice never raises.

All because of a love

Never let go.

He has every reason to throw up his fists

In the face of his God

Who let his mother die.

Through all the prayers and tears,

She still passed in pain anyway.

Now you think of saying 

There's no use in Praying

And still, he bows his head.

So he can say:

Thank you for ending her pain.

He is teaching me

What love really means.

-Supernatural, Flyleaf (acoustic version)

Just something to think about, I guess.

What now?

So, I'm in limbo with my hair again. I want a change. My roots are coming in, and keeping up with the current color is a lot of work. But I don't know what to do with it! I've been looking through the last three years of pictures, at all of my different hair styles and colors. Look what I found:

Summer 2005, at the car wash. Natural color, streaked naturally by sun.

Fall of 2005. Highlights. Long Hair. Should I grow it out?

Winter of 2006. Fire Engine Red. I would do this again, if I wasn't at school

Winter of 2007. Hair coming back in. Fohawk. Pretty Rad.

Winter Break 2007. Pixie Cut. 

Spring of 2007. Long Bangs, short sides.

October of 2007. New Natural Brown. I kind of like this color.

Winter of 2007. Natural Curls. I miss these. 

Winter of 2008. Blonde. I'm not doing this again.

March of 2008. Redish Brown. Not really a fan.

Summer of 2008. Dark Brown with redish undertone? I kind of liked this too

Summer 2008. Curls. A perm? Should I curl it more often?

September 2008. Back to dark brown. And I'm tan. 

School. Light brown and pink.

Pink and light brown again. The bottom was a darker brown, but didn't work out so well.

November 2008. Black and Pink. 

2009. Still black and pink, but short and styled. 

So, that is all of the colors and shapes and styles I have gone through. I don't know.

I'm going to kill my hair. hahaha. 

This was a pointless and random blog. I feel like I should add something significant:

Love knows no distance. 

Peace out, Girl Scout.

Sometimes I need a refresher

Sometimes I feel like I fall so out of touch with the person I have become over the last few years. Last night, I recounted a story to a friend of mine about the day I lost my hair. I thought about that story all day today. I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept on thinking about that day, the people I was with, the person I was and the person who I was becoming and the experiences and opportunities that I went on to experience. 

February 2nd will mark three years since I entered the world of cancer. It's been so long since those days spent in the hospital and I've slowly reverted back to "normal" life. 

Lately I've been getting down on myself and reverting back to some of the old outlooks on life I used to have. It's been bothering me. Today, I sat down and read through my blog that I kept during the year of treatment and relived some of the most painful and happiest moments of my life. I called my best friend and together, we went through some of the funniest times and saddest times of that year. I haven't laughed that hard in AGES.

I stumbled across something I wrote the night of my last chemo treatment: 

I won't lie. It hasn't been easy. It still isn't. Losing my hair, not being able to go to school, not being able to get my license, and not being able to play with my band were all things I faced. But, I have had the best of friends, family and church members behind me every step of the way. They have learned along with me what cancer had to teach. It has shown me that material things don't matter. It is watching thunderstorms roll in with my dad, going on long car rides with my best friends, learning and bettering myself in my talents, playing games with my siblings, enjoying days that are full of warm rain and good books; these are the things that I now consider the most precious thins in my life. Cancer has taught me to appreciate the simple things in life, and it has shown me that it is my friends and family that are the most important things in my life, not the hair, or the license. It has taught me to put all of my faith and trust in God, and it has brought me closer to him. It has brought my family closer together, it has taught and shown me how to smile, how to keep a positive attitude, to never let the opportunity to tell someone how much I love them pass me by. It has shown me death, and it has shown me how to accept it, no matter how much it hurts and how hard it can be.

And it has shown me hope. It has shown me the hope of tomorrow and the hope of today. It has shown me that hope is key to getting through the tough days. It has shown me how to spread hope and how to accept it. Yes, Cancer is hard. Cancer is a horrible disease, and no child or adult should have to go through it. But I would not trade in what I have learned from fighting cancer for anything else in the world.

Reading that today brought tears to my eyes. I remember. I remember what all of those feelings used to feel like. I still have them. I still believe in them. I still live by them.

But sometimes I need a refresher.

And now I can go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to go.

Observations from the first day of the new semester

Humanities-Heroic Journey 11:30 AM

Class is in the Taylor, second floor, which is a bummer, cause I have to do stairs. The professor just walked in, he looks decent...we will see. Class is pretty full...alrighty...here we go.

HAHAHA. This teacher just said "Oh flip!" in frustration and called a painting a "picture of some crap!" He also referred to a Matisse picture as: "an acid flashback...not that I know what an acid flashback looks like...but if I did, I would hope it looked like this." I think I'm going to like him. 

International Foundations-12:45 PM

I'm so hungry. Flip lunch time. I'm sitting next to this girl who has the greenest eyes I have ever seen. She's really nice. Maybe we'll be friends. I also met this kid who is originally from Boston. HE LIKES THE PATRIOTS! YES! 

Class wise? It will be interesting. The teacher is actually a English Teacher, and not trained in the ways of the Middle East. hmmmm. 

Book Of Mormon-3:15 PM

The girl in front of me used to live in Nevada City. My heart sunk a little. I miss you. 

Back home. Apartment is still messy, and we're still unpacking. Misao and I are working on this guitar thing. We're getting there. My fingers hurt. Amber stopped by for a while. Paul too. A lot of familiar faces all of a sudden from back East. I miss New England. 

Bow-ties and Prego for dinner. Misao is sitting by my feet and we are laughing at the silly things that come out of our mouths and try to keep ourselves busy and occupied and our minds off the fact that it is only 8:15 and where we should be and who we should be laughing with.

This will be hard. But we'll be okay. We'll hold each other together and we will push each other forward so that we can make it through the semester, off of academic probation and into the summer sun and breezes.

Back to the Burg

End of break. Leaving for the Burg in 16 hours, from Boise with Jillise.

I got a hair cut a few days ago. Two inches off everywhere. First major hair cut in two years. It was so scary and impulsive. I like it.

Jillise and I are sitting in the dark of her room, the only light coming from our computer screens as we procrastinate our packing. My iTunes library is playing some good music, and it all fits the mood. Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Between The Trees and Stephen Speaks. And of course The Veronicas. I'm surprised Jillise hasn't murdered me yet; I've played it so many times today, trying to get all of those words down. I'm almost there. 

In a little bit, we will both close our computer screens and close our eyes. If thoughts will stop running through my head, then maybe I will get some rest. Hahaha, fat chance. Tonight was filled with a lot of happenings, and I'm still trying to process it all, on top of everything that is going on in a few hours. Fear, Love, Happiness, Aloneness, Excitement, Anxiety. I'm trying to sort them all out, but right now, it's all a blur.

 There are a few people who I wish I could be sitting next to right now; some company I wish I could be keeping. Maybe tonight, sleep will provide me the ability to be close to those who are far away. 

I have taught Jillise the ways of the snorting laugh. Heck yes. Our whole apartment will be filled with snorting tomorrow night when we reunite in the cold tundra known as the Burg. I will be back in the arms once again of my twin, and together, we will go back to our routine of leaving epic video messages on Zandra, Mike and Brian's facebooks and cracking jokes that only our Californian friends would find funny.

Things change so fast these days, but it's nice to know that there will be some people who will never leave or let you down. I think I'm finally believing and realizing who those people are.

I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more

Don't even think about what's right or wrong, or wrong or right

'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around 

To answer all the questions left behind

And You and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today

You've still got me to hold you up up

And I will never let you down down.

-The Veronicas. 

I WILL MASTER THIS SONG!

So this is the new year...

...and I don't feel any different...

I feel like I should have resolutions for 2009; I feel like I need them. I really want to better myself and become a better person, and while that is always my constant goal, I feel like actually verbalizing smaller goals and resolutions will help me achieve them. 

1. When I need help, ask for it or accept it.

2. Don't spend my money on things I do not need.

3. Get off of academic probation.

4. Call my sisters more often.

5. Go to California.

6. Make my parents proud.

7. Learn to do what is best for me, even if it isn't what I want.

8. Keep in touch with my friends back East more.

9. See the beauty in everything.

10. Sleep more.

11. Tell the people who I love that I love them more.

12. Don't let distance come between the people who matter the most.

13. Let people care about me.

14. Learn to accept my flaws and imperfections and understand that the people who can't accept them do not matter.

I think that will do.

I wish the world was flat, like the old days

then I could travel just by folding a map

no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways,

there'd be no distance that could hold us back...

there'd be no distance that could hold us back...

-Death Cab For Cutie

I miss you.

Observations from an Airplane

6:30 AM

People eat the most peculiar things at the wee hours of the morning. Some little kid just walked by my seat carrying a box of onion rings. The old man sitting in the window seat of my row is eating baked potato chips. 

I do not like flying at all.

I hope I can sleep.

I have echos of my friend's voice in my head, (I just got off the phone with him) telling me that I will be fine and I keep replaying his words over, trying to keep my breathing even. 

This plane is stuffy and smells funny.

I do not want to leave New England all of a sudden. All week, actually all break; I have been itching to get back to Idaho, and to school and to all of my friends. But as I sit on the runway and look out to the Boston skyline across the harbor, I all of a sudden get this twisty knot in my stomach of longing. I am not sure if I am as ready as  thought I was to leave the trees and the hills and the streams.

If my iPod dies, I'm going to be so pissed. 

I am so tired.

I like our flight attendant's voice. It's soothing.

I hope I don't miss my connection to Boise.

My eyes are having a hard time staying open. 

I'm scared to go back to Idaho. I'm scared about how empty it is going to feel.

I have to potty. 

I want my bed.

I feel very whiney, but my only excuse is that it comes with a serious lack of sleep and overly emotionally draining days.

It's time for take off and I'm so nervous. It's so windy outside and Dad says that it will make a very bumpy ride.

I'm looking out the window, which is a first for me and flying, but I want to see Boston one more time. It's beautiful. The sun is just starting to hit the building and they are glowing with warmth. I can see the Charles River running along Storrow drive and the Zakim Bridge. And i can see the Citgo sign, still lighted up at this time in the morning, popping up over the green walls of Fenway Park. I can follow the sign to Kenmore Square and down into Brookline Plaza. I can't see it exactly, but I can make out the area where Children's is and Dana Farber and the Jimmy Fund behind it.

The Zakim Bridge

This probably has to be the most beautiful view of Boston I have ever seen. Maybe flying isn't so bad.

Turbulence. I'm just kidding. I hate flying.

It's safe to turn my iPod on. I'm putting on my plane playlist, filled with Howard Shore and Hans Zimmerman. That should cover the drone of the plane engines and the wooshing of the air being blown. 

The old man sitting in the window seat keeps on having to go to the bathroom, so I have to keep moving for him. I don't know if I'm going to get much sleep.

I miss Maddie.