where ever this is.
i will stand there someday.
29.4.10
28.4.10
this song=today in every way.
The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone
My room seems wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you my love are gone
So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door
I'll never say I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you my love are gone
So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door
27.4.10
25.4.10
24.4.10
resolutions check in
so I need to check in on these because I know I'm not doing well on most of them and that needs to change.
1. Eat healthier/lose some weight/work out:
well. this hasn't gone too well so far. I think I put on weight last semester. But I plan on changing this by: 1. eating salads on campus for lunch 2-3 times a week. 2. swimming 1-2 times a week and 3. walking to work once a week, as long as my knee stops clicking.
2. Follow my budget/be financially stable:
this has fluctuated during the semester, but I have been sticking to my budget/spreadsheet for the last month and it's been great. I need to work on paying off my credit card now..
3. Read a lot more. 2-3 books a month that are not required for school
well. I finished Dear John and most of Wicked. I need to get back into the swing of things by reading more.
4. Buy a Digital SLR.
I have a small Chelsie Camera fund. It's small, but it's there.
5. Three A's in the winter semester, and bring my GPA up to a 3.5 by the end of the year
only two A's this semester, but one of them was in History, so I'm okay with that.
6. Start every morning with a prayer.
I need to work on this a lot more.
7. Work on trust issues.
well, if there is anything i have improved on in the last semester, it is this one.
8. Go some place I haven't been before
Solid plans to be in Seattle May 20th!
9. Be genuine.
still a work in progress.
10. Write letters/emails frequently to my missionaries, especially Mike and Brett.
I am doing well on writing Brett! and I have written Mike, but I need to write more.
11. Floss.
yeah.
12. Take care of myself better, physically and emotionally. Know when to say when.
13. Learn to accept my flaws and understand that people who can't don't matter.
these are still being worked on.
so, at the beginning of this new spring semester, I have my work cut out for me. I think if I start with some baby steps, I'll slowly make progress.
so, my baby steps for the next few weeks are:
- morning prayer
- salad for lunch twice
- crunches every night
- hit the pool once this week
- write a letter to brett and mike
- read a book a little every day.
baby steps. i'm going to make progress this semester.
hairs
as many of you might know; I have a problem. it's called: "when I can't control things in my life, I do something drastic to my hair"Usually it involves a hair color, sometimes a cut.
to see some of the changes I made in the last few years, click here!
anyway. a few days ago, I had a sudden impulse to chop off my hair. I was ansty, I wasn't feeling good about myself, I was missing my family and friends and I just needed to do something to make me feel like I was in control. But I knew I would regret cutting it (i'm trying to grow it out for the next year) and so I texted a few friends, looking for support. Of course, they all said NO WAY! so I resisted the urge. Dear Alexandra told me to dye it and I decided I would suck it up and pay to get my hair professionally dyed and finally even out all of the color that I have added on over the years.
and so. a bit of money later and two and a half hours at a salon, I am now honey brown with a chocolate brown shadow box. (meaning that all of the hair underneath is dark brown and the top is honey) it feels so good to have a lighter hair color again (i never thought I would get it there) and I feel good about myself again! Yay! and now to the park to soak up some sunshine and read the hobbit.
to see some of the changes I made in the last few years, click here!
anyway. a few days ago, I had a sudden impulse to chop off my hair. I was ansty, I wasn't feeling good about myself, I was missing my family and friends and I just needed to do something to make me feel like I was in control. But I knew I would regret cutting it (i'm trying to grow it out for the next year) and so I texted a few friends, looking for support. Of course, they all said NO WAY! so I resisted the urge. Dear Alexandra told me to dye it and I decided I would suck it up and pay to get my hair professionally dyed and finally even out all of the color that I have added on over the years.
and so. a bit of money later and two and a half hours at a salon, I am now honey brown with a chocolate brown shadow box. (meaning that all of the hair underneath is dark brown and the top is honey) it feels so good to have a lighter hair color again (i never thought I would get it there) and I feel good about myself again! Yay! and now to the park to soak up some sunshine and read the hobbit.
before:
after!
23.4.10
life lately
Life here moves along. It's been amazing having Anne and Symone back; but weird without Jillise. My nights have gone back to sitting at home, watching movies and not getting out. There has been the occasional skype night with that brother of mine in Texas, and that is almost like hanging out with him in real life. He cleans, and I procrastinate homework and we listen to music. Sometimes Kevin and Brad and Jared stop by; Russell is here on a somewhat general basis while he waits for wedding day and Kyle came by last night with some of his new roommates who I hope I get to know better over the next semester. But all in all, life is quite. Work and school, sometimes errands (today required a trip to Idaho Falls to pick up a dentist report and then attempting to overnight it to Texas) followed by slow nights here in apartment three. Symone and I need to find some new friends or else we will lapse into the winter semester pattern and that is not a good pattern to fall back into.
but I am excited for the sunshine, the thunderstorm that hit us hard on Wednesday and for green grass and the closing in on my flight back to New Hampshire. I can't wait.
21.4.10
20.4.10
a trip down memory lane
I have this wicked awesome friend in California who inspires me all of the time. She has such great ideas and thoughts and is so much fun and is one of the most talented and loving and caring individuals I have ever known. you should check her blog out if you get a chance.
so today I was reading Alexandra's blog about facebook statuses and such. And so, in an effort to push off some homework, I clicked on "show older posts" on my facebook for a long while (all the way back to february 29th, 2009) and took a trip down memory lane. It was a lot of fun! I laughed at a million moments that I forgot about. Here are some of my favorite statuses from the last year.
Chelsie Whitney : you know what my cat did? he climbed right up in my lap, looked me in the eye and said "i love you". i know for a fact that Dogs eat people
Chelsie Whitney is pretending to live in New Zealand with Juli for the night. Clearly, this means we will be building a fort to sleep in.
Chelsie Whitney "Why does your submarine have a dorsal fin?"
Chelsie Whitney : even though he's in the military, i can take him. i'm a woman
Chelsie Whitney : "Erin, I don't know what else to add to my painting." "Anne, you should add a duck...with the locket in it's mouth...and it can be trailing my velvet skirt that is missing...along with my pile of undone homework." I love my roommates.
Chelsie Whitney turns out my comforter is a fire hazard.
Chelsie Whitney is watch pride and prejudice to counteract any creepy little girls lurking around.
Chelsie Whitney learned how to play Stud and Texas Hold 'em tonight in an old beauty school. sketchy? maybe. awesome? for sure.
Chelsie Whitney and so it came to pass that every fire alarm in the Whitney Household went off at the exact same time as if there was a blazing californian wildfire in the hallway.
Chelsie Whitney swims across the ocean; there is a mattress in my basement.
Chelsie Whitney shaved, yes shaved, off a good inch of her skin while absent-mindedly tried to itch her bug bite with her razor while shaving her leg. and now she is home alone with a wound that doesn't want to stop bleeding. story. of. my. life.
Chelsie Whitney : "Yeah, roller coasters get boring after a while. You will be on steady ground soon." My roommate is FULL of infinite wisdom.
Chelsie Whitney gets in the negative points even when she is playing headlights by herself. story of my life.
Chelsie Whitney wants to migrate to switzerland. Better Chocolate.
18.4.10
17.4.10
i feel the distance today.
I am nostalgic today.
in-n-out/jamba runs with Alexandra in the norcal sunshine; coheed and cartel blasting from the speakers.
the walk to cottonwood #9 in the late afternoons of the incoming Rexburg Winter.
running late to family foundations with Jillise, laughing at the tired rambles coming out of our mouths.
taking the big hill south of the temple riding shot gun and brother driving.
curling up in guest bedroom with Julianna and two baby kittens, watching les miserable and creating words.
little moments that mean the most.
15.4.10
April 15th, 2009
Want to know what is currently warping my mind right now?
a year ago.
a year ago to the day of April 15.
a year ago tonight, I was falling asleep in a bed in the heart of Oregon; having finished packing and shifting around my clothes in three suitcases and printing out boarding passes for my flight from Portland to Sacramento. a year ago in about 12 hours, I was getting off a plane in the Sacramento airport, being greeted by a familiar and loved face and shoving my suitcases in the back of Zandra's mom's Fit. a year ago, I had plans and dreams and ideas and they were all focused around one person. a year ago, I thought I knew exactly what life had in store for me. a year ago; i was basking in the California sunshine, eating in-n-out, walking down the streets of Nevada City hand in hand with a boy and glowing.
when i think about a year ago and the differences between the person i was then and the person i am now; i can't help but be sad, proud and content all at the same time. i'm so different from the Chelsie who was standing in the middle of pioneer park on April 15th, 2009. since then, i've experienced real heart break, real forgiveness, real healing, real happiness and real trust. I've come a long way. The summer that followed April was one of the hardest and most beautiful times of my life. Fall semester was the best semester of my college career. I owned school; I owned getting a job and I found security and comfort in my roommates. I met some beautiful people who taught me new things about life and about myself. I met the Klenotich sisters, my two roommates who have inspired me in different ways to never let my dreams or goals go. I met my brother, who slowly began to break down my walls and taught me how to trust again. Winter semester was just the opposite of fall, and was the worst semester of my college career. Health problems, insecurities, the past coming to haunt me, school and work piling up. It was the worst emotional roller coster I have been on in a long time. I cried more this semester than I did during the year I was sick. Intense.
But here I am. I got through this last year. I survived. And I am better because of it.
I have learned so much about myself and about where I am going. I have learned how to build on the moment and on the present and how to hope and dream; but to be open to change.
If there is anything I have really learned about this past year; it would be change, and how to embrace it and how to deal with it and how to see the beauties that come from change. Change is hard. Sometimes, change is heartbreaking. But we are always changing. Every breath I take is different in some way or form from my last breath. I am constantly changing; I am constantly thinking and growing and making connections. Change is tricky. Sometimes I hate it with all of my little being. I hate watching people I love leave, or watching people I love hurt. I hate finding security in someone or something and then watching as time progresses and the things I have found myself relying on being constant and consistent, changing. But, if anything; I have learned that change is everything. Without change, there is no way to learn or grow. Without the changes over the last year, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really learn how to forgive, or how to open up or how to love unconditionally. Change is good. It sucks sometimes, but like my mom says: "think of the bigger picture, Belle." And that is what I've learned. That bigger picture. Because while sometimes change sucks in the moment; the truth is that in the long run, change will benefit us, if we let it.
This week has been weird. It's been so weird not having to worry about anything school related. It's weird coming home from work and realizing that I'm done for the day. It's weird watching movies non-stop, it's weird having the ability to take a three hour nap after my shift. It's weird only having three of us in our apartment. It's weird not being able to waltz over to the Arbor Cove house on the corner and hang out with Geoff. It's just weird. it's different. it's change.
and next week will bring more change. school will start back up, there will be new faces around, new people to try out this trust thing with and the absence of faces who kept me company constantly last semester (vicki, trish, jillise, carissa and geoffrey). But it'll be okay. change is good.
so tonight, exactly a year later from April 15th, 2009, I will curl up in my own bed, here in the heart of Rexburg, Idaho. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and go into the Alumni Office to work my morning shift as receptionist. After that, I'll swing back home, grab Erin, fill up the Cazz Machine and drive to Utah with the windows rolled down, the music blasting and filled with excitement at the great adventures and change that lay ahead of me.
a year ago.
a year ago to the day of April 15.
a year ago tonight, I was falling asleep in a bed in the heart of Oregon; having finished packing and shifting around my clothes in three suitcases and printing out boarding passes for my flight from Portland to Sacramento. a year ago in about 12 hours, I was getting off a plane in the Sacramento airport, being greeted by a familiar and loved face and shoving my suitcases in the back of Zandra's mom's Fit. a year ago, I had plans and dreams and ideas and they were all focused around one person. a year ago, I thought I knew exactly what life had in store for me. a year ago; i was basking in the California sunshine, eating in-n-out, walking down the streets of Nevada City hand in hand with a boy and glowing.
when i think about a year ago and the differences between the person i was then and the person i am now; i can't help but be sad, proud and content all at the same time. i'm so different from the Chelsie who was standing in the middle of pioneer park on April 15th, 2009. since then, i've experienced real heart break, real forgiveness, real healing, real happiness and real trust. I've come a long way. The summer that followed April was one of the hardest and most beautiful times of my life. Fall semester was the best semester of my college career. I owned school; I owned getting a job and I found security and comfort in my roommates. I met some beautiful people who taught me new things about life and about myself. I met the Klenotich sisters, my two roommates who have inspired me in different ways to never let my dreams or goals go. I met my brother, who slowly began to break down my walls and taught me how to trust again. Winter semester was just the opposite of fall, and was the worst semester of my college career. Health problems, insecurities, the past coming to haunt me, school and work piling up. It was the worst emotional roller coster I have been on in a long time. I cried more this semester than I did during the year I was sick. Intense.
But here I am. I got through this last year. I survived. And I am better because of it.
I have learned so much about myself and about where I am going. I have learned how to build on the moment and on the present and how to hope and dream; but to be open to change.
If there is anything I have really learned about this past year; it would be change, and how to embrace it and how to deal with it and how to see the beauties that come from change. Change is hard. Sometimes, change is heartbreaking. But we are always changing. Every breath I take is different in some way or form from my last breath. I am constantly changing; I am constantly thinking and growing and making connections. Change is tricky. Sometimes I hate it with all of my little being. I hate watching people I love leave, or watching people I love hurt. I hate finding security in someone or something and then watching as time progresses and the things I have found myself relying on being constant and consistent, changing. But, if anything; I have learned that change is everything. Without change, there is no way to learn or grow. Without the changes over the last year, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really learn how to forgive, or how to open up or how to love unconditionally. Change is good. It sucks sometimes, but like my mom says: "think of the bigger picture, Belle." And that is what I've learned. That bigger picture. Because while sometimes change sucks in the moment; the truth is that in the long run, change will benefit us, if we let it.
This week has been weird. It's been so weird not having to worry about anything school related. It's weird coming home from work and realizing that I'm done for the day. It's weird watching movies non-stop, it's weird having the ability to take a three hour nap after my shift. It's weird only having three of us in our apartment. It's weird not being able to waltz over to the Arbor Cove house on the corner and hang out with Geoff. It's just weird. it's different. it's change.
and next week will bring more change. school will start back up, there will be new faces around, new people to try out this trust thing with and the absence of faces who kept me company constantly last semester (vicki, trish, jillise, carissa and geoffrey). But it'll be okay. change is good.
so tonight, exactly a year later from April 15th, 2009, I will curl up in my own bed, here in the heart of Rexburg, Idaho. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and go into the Alumni Office to work my morning shift as receptionist. After that, I'll swing back home, grab Erin, fill up the Cazz Machine and drive to Utah with the windows rolled down, the music blasting and filled with excitement at the great adventures and change that lay ahead of me.
12.4.10
poison and wine
holy crap, I am really digging this song/band right now. So much texture and tension in the vocals, supported by the perfect balance of instrumental sounds. So powerful. So beautiful.
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
today is...
...a windows open, scent of a storm on the wind, tai pei pepper beef stir fry for lunch, sandals and new skinny jeans, pony tail and sunglasses, Ingrid Michaleson and Kate Nash, run errands while drinking a Hazelnut coca bean, and cuddling in my bed with a good book kind of day.
11.4.10
7.4.10
dear brother
Dear Brother,
Today was the last time we got to spend time together for a while. And although I know that things will be okay and that the next chapter in your life is going to be amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you in the next two years; I am very sad. I'm going to be selfish and say I didn't want to see you go.
I don't know what I'm going to do without you close by.
But I know that everything will be okay.
Geoffrey is like a teddy bear...except better because he talks.
There isn't much to say, except thank you for everything, especially all of the time you have shared with me.
stay safe.
see you soon.
always,
Chelsabelle
6.4.10
finals week kills me every time.
I hate this week.
this week sucks.
but on the plus side, I have a solid B in family foundations and a solid A in into to english studies.
Science....hopefully a C.
History...hopefully a solid B.
English...hopefully a solid B
american government....I can't even think about you right now.
this week sucks.
but on the plus side, I have a solid B in family foundations and a solid A in into to english studies.
Science....hopefully a C.
History...hopefully a solid B.
English...hopefully a solid B
american government....I can't even think about you right now.
5.4.10
4.4.10
3.4.10
observations on the last saturday of the semester
It's two o'clock in the afternoon on the last Saturday of the Winter Semester of 2010 and I find myself on this snowy spring day in a rather empty Rexburg curled up in the "couch nest" in Geoff's kitchen. The afternoon session of General Conference just started and the sounds of the choir fill the apartment, along with the smell of Darren's lunch of spaghetti and meat sauce.
I left my apartment a little before ten this morning, my life shoved into a bag slung over my shoulder as I grumbled to myself about the four inches of snow that blanketed the parking lot. Rexburg has not gotten the memo that it is supposed to be spring. I waited impatiently for Cazz to defrost and slowly made my out of my parking lot, slid through the four way stop, across the intersection and into Geoff's driveway.
We've spent the day putting around, listening to conference and Geoff doing a bit of light cleaning. We sat in the couch nest (the couches were pushed together in the kitchen so Geoff could vacuum) and played farmville while listening to music and talking about the gas, hours and rest stops that will be required in Geoff's 28 hour drive back to Texas next week. In between conference sessions, we took a trip to take missionary pictures and than ended back up in the couch nest, harvesting our crops on farmville and counting out the hours until the next harvest time.
I should be studying right now; or paying more attention to conference. I should be productive. But instead, I'm sitting here on the couch, watching Geoff pack up the rest of his clothes in his suitcase and thinking about what that means for me this coming week. I hate goodbyes, and this one is going to be a hard one. I don't like thinking about the absence of security that I have found in this apartment, in the comfort I have found in the passenger seat of the little white car in the driveway and especially the security and comfort and friendship I have found in the crazy Texan currently dancing around his apartment.
It's hard to find words to describe the friendship that Geoff and I have, because when it comes down to it; he and I are the only ones who understand how it works. Sometimes we yell at each other, sometimes we go for car rides, sometimes we have conversations by staring at each other, sometimes we have stair wars and sometimes we look up Chuck Norris jokes and eat bad Chinese food. Sometimes I need a shell, sometimes he needs a hug. Sometimes I cry. Sometime he vents. Sometimes we sit in silence doing our own separate things. Sometimes we play Rat-A-Tat-Cat. Sometimes we don't see each other for days. But I think the greatest thing about Geoffrey is that he is my "anyway friend." An anyway friend is the one person in your life who, no matter what they say or do or what you say or do, no matter what they've been through with you, no matter what mistakes you make or how many times you fail or fall, they love you anyway.
And I'm a little bit scared and sad to see my anyway friend leave Rexburg.
When I really think about it; I know that things will be okay. Although it will be an adjustment on my end to realize that I can't waltz over to the Arbor Cove house across from Porter Park when I need to get out of my apartment or that I won't be able to curl up in my shell when I'm having bad days; I know things will be okay. And I know it'll be hard on my end to not be around when he's having bad days too, things will be okay. In all of the time that we've been friends, I've never been let down and we've learned that we can get through tough things. I know that this friend is different; because Geoff isn't just my friend or even just my best friend. He's my brother.
So as I now sit in an empty apartment (Darren and Geoff are now at priesthood) surrounded by suitcases and clean laundry ready to be packed and wondering what this next week will bring; realizing that I still have a load of homework to do, and hoping that my American Government Paper comes back with a decent grade; I can't help but smile. It is amazing to sit here and realize that God really knows what he is doing. And if he knew what he was doing to get me to this point in my life; I need to have faith that he'll keep on guiding me in the direction that I am supposed to go.
but as for tonight; I'll wait for Geoff and Darren to come home and probably eat soup for dinner while helping Geoff finish off his packing. Maybe we'll do a bit of homework; maybe we'll watch a movie. Whatever we do, I'll enjoy this last saturday night of the semester with my best friend and I'm thankful for that.
I've come to realize that although my life is tough sometimes; it's always beautiful. The people in my life make it beautiful. And no matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful
I left my apartment a little before ten this morning, my life shoved into a bag slung over my shoulder as I grumbled to myself about the four inches of snow that blanketed the parking lot. Rexburg has not gotten the memo that it is supposed to be spring. I waited impatiently for Cazz to defrost and slowly made my out of my parking lot, slid through the four way stop, across the intersection and into Geoff's driveway.
We've spent the day putting around, listening to conference and Geoff doing a bit of light cleaning. We sat in the couch nest (the couches were pushed together in the kitchen so Geoff could vacuum) and played farmville while listening to music and talking about the gas, hours and rest stops that will be required in Geoff's 28 hour drive back to Texas next week. In between conference sessions, we took a trip to take missionary pictures and than ended back up in the couch nest, harvesting our crops on farmville and counting out the hours until the next harvest time.
I should be studying right now; or paying more attention to conference. I should be productive. But instead, I'm sitting here on the couch, watching Geoff pack up the rest of his clothes in his suitcase and thinking about what that means for me this coming week. I hate goodbyes, and this one is going to be a hard one. I don't like thinking about the absence of security that I have found in this apartment, in the comfort I have found in the passenger seat of the little white car in the driveway and especially the security and comfort and friendship I have found in the crazy Texan currently dancing around his apartment.
It's hard to find words to describe the friendship that Geoff and I have, because when it comes down to it; he and I are the only ones who understand how it works. Sometimes we yell at each other, sometimes we go for car rides, sometimes we have conversations by staring at each other, sometimes we have stair wars and sometimes we look up Chuck Norris jokes and eat bad Chinese food. Sometimes I need a shell, sometimes he needs a hug. Sometimes I cry. Sometime he vents. Sometimes we sit in silence doing our own separate things. Sometimes we play Rat-A-Tat-Cat. Sometimes we don't see each other for days. But I think the greatest thing about Geoffrey is that he is my "anyway friend." An anyway friend is the one person in your life who, no matter what they say or do or what you say or do, no matter what they've been through with you, no matter what mistakes you make or how many times you fail or fall, they love you anyway.
And I'm a little bit scared and sad to see my anyway friend leave Rexburg.
When I really think about it; I know that things will be okay. Although it will be an adjustment on my end to realize that I can't waltz over to the Arbor Cove house across from Porter Park when I need to get out of my apartment or that I won't be able to curl up in my shell when I'm having bad days; I know things will be okay. And I know it'll be hard on my end to not be around when he's having bad days too, things will be okay. In all of the time that we've been friends, I've never been let down and we've learned that we can get through tough things. I know that this friend is different; because Geoff isn't just my friend or even just my best friend. He's my brother.
So as I now sit in an empty apartment (Darren and Geoff are now at priesthood) surrounded by suitcases and clean laundry ready to be packed and wondering what this next week will bring; realizing that I still have a load of homework to do, and hoping that my American Government Paper comes back with a decent grade; I can't help but smile. It is amazing to sit here and realize that God really knows what he is doing. And if he knew what he was doing to get me to this point in my life; I need to have faith that he'll keep on guiding me in the direction that I am supposed to go.
but as for tonight; I'll wait for Geoff and Darren to come home and probably eat soup for dinner while helping Geoff finish off his packing. Maybe we'll do a bit of homework; maybe we'll watch a movie. Whatever we do, I'll enjoy this last saturday night of the semester with my best friend and I'm thankful for that.
I've come to realize that although my life is tough sometimes; it's always beautiful. The people in my life make it beautiful. And no matter what happens, life will continue to be beautiful
1.4.10
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