Death Cab, you write my life story

This is one of my favorite songs by Death Cab for Cutie, and this video is absolutely fantastic. It's so creative and such a cool medium.

also.

I've been trying to install the sims deluxe version on my brother's old PC laptop and the screen has been frozen at 23% for at least 10 minutes.

this is my third attempt at installing it today.

My father is watching American Idol. 

TOMORROW!

MIKE WILL BE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: TOMORROW

MISAO WILL BE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: WEDNESDAY

I AM SO EXCITED!

Tempos on Thursday: Sentimental Heart

Sentimental Heat by She and Him

This is such a cute little animation video. 

And I really like the sound of her voice.

I have a sentimental heart.

Happiness

First:

Listen to this song and read the words along with it and just think about what it's trying to say:

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

I just had this really intense blog about happiness and myself and I lost it and I'm so mad. I'm gonna try to write it again, but it won't be half as good.

Two months ago, this time, I knew exactly where I was heading. I had it all planned out, over the course of the next two to three years, but more specifically this summer. Work, Save, Support the missionary. It was solid, engraved in stone for a while, and I never doubted nor questioned what I was going to be doing this summer.

I guess it's safe to say that things are going a lot differently then I thought they would be. Things have changed pretty drastically. I've been thrown really off balance as a result. The last two months have been incredibly hard for me, because I haven't know what to do with myself. Everything that I had planned on being solid has fallen apart and I've been left in a very empty and confusing place while trying to reorganize myself and figure out where to go from here. I've felt like some of my identity was missing, and I've trying to regain my sense of self. It's been challenging. Every time I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, finally understanding myself, something happened that put me back three or four steps and I was nowhere. I know that progress always involves backtracking, but for a time, I backtracked so much that I felt like I was permanently going backwards.

I do know that I'm tired of not going anywhere. I'm tired of being off balance and I'm ready to find direction again. I've realized that although the path I thought I would be walking down this summer is no longer the road that I am on, it doesn't mean that I should stop moving forward. I am on the path that I am meant to be on and I should do everything in my power to make my journey worth while. For the first time in my life, I've fully realized that this. is MY life. It is up to me and me alone to do what I want with it. My choices, my mistakes, my learning experiences. I am the painter of my own masterpiece; I am my own symphony. I don't need anyone else in order to live my life and to do the things that I want to do. I've been trying really hard to find happiness on my own lately. I realize that this is something I need to do. I need to learn how to rely on myself more then anything. It's been really challenging and hard, especially since I've been relying on someone else for all of my happiness and contentment over the last six months. 

And although I've been having these epiphanies, they are all easier said then done. It's been a challenge realizing these things and then trying to work with them. Like I said earlier, progress involves backtracking to some degree. I tend to backtrack a lot.

This summer is going to be about working on myself, improving my weaknesses, making plans and goals to accomplish and loving who I am. I want to be the best Chelsie Caroline that I can be. I want to make goals and plans that are for me and accomplish them for myself. I always thought that putting myself before others was selfish, but there comes a point where you have to take your life by the reigns and take care of yourself. And now this is my time to do that. 

So here are some of my goals for working on myself this summer:

1. Work on being Selfless, especially when it comes to my family

2. Attitude. Always try to be positive. Every unhappy situation that comes around, try to find the silver lining. 

3. Being Active. Stop laying around and sleeping because I feel like I'm going nowhere. I am going somewhere

4. Don't believe in limitations. Accept that I need to make adjustments, but do not look at them as limitations. I am not limited.

And here are the goals/plans I want to accomplish this summer:

1. Work as hard as possible and save as much as possible so that I can be as financially secure as possible when I am back out West

2. Take Hamilton out to school.

3. Eat healthier and work out. Lost some weight.

4. Play my flute more often so I am ready for flute chior in the fall

5. Read.

I don't want to give myself too many goals because I don't want to be overwhelmed. I feel like all of these are do-able and that I can accomplish them (with the exception of Hamilton, because that situation is up to my father more then me). I want to fulfill my goals and plans and prove to myself that I can do this and that I don't need anyone else but myself to have a reason to move forward. It's me and the world now. 

Back to happiness. I've been on this long quest the last two months trying to find my own happiness, because everything that made me happy or fueled my happiness no longer exists. I've really wanted to learn how to be happy on my own, because I hate being sad. Life is too short to be sad when there are so many miracles happening around us every day.

The song that I posted is called Happiness by The Fray, who I had the amazing opportunity to see live in concert on Sunday. I hadn't heard this song before the concert and it really took my breath away. I've really listened to the song and read over the lyrics a lot and this is what I got out of it:

People tend to look too hard for happiness. They find happiness in certain things, such as an object or a companion. During the relationship, whatever kind it may be, the happiness fills their lives and almost blinds them from everything else. And when that relationship ends, the person is left with nothing at all. In the end, we need to learn how not look too hard for happiness, because sometimes it is forced and it will almost always result in heartache. If we just live our lives, happiness will find it's way to us on it's own and one day we will wake up and realize that we are happy.

I don't know if that made any sense.

But I've been living life the last few days and taking it as it comes and I've been happy. I've all of a sudden seen so many things that I've been blinded by with my grief and pain.

to name a few:

-The way my sisters smile after I promise to braid their hair

-The carefree attitude my mom has when she is hanging out with us

-The comfort of having my best friend next to me

-Driving down windy roads that are super green from all of the rain in my favorite car

-Listening to new music with my dad and seeing his face when he realizes I know what bands he is talking about

-Making homemade jamba juice and sharing it with my sisters

I've found a lot more, but I'm getting tired and want to wrap this up.

I've been enjoying my life the last few days and observing the many little things that surround me. And I'm finally starting to figure out how to be happy again and on my own.

Understand that it will take time and I will back track once in a while, but I guess this is a step in the right direction. 

I have plans and goals and I'm starting to be happy again. 

Also. My blog structure has fulfilled it's purpose. It has given me some guidelines while being so lost and confused over the last few months. But now that I am really starting to move along, it's time to give my blog a little creative freedom and write whenever I want about whatever I want.

Except I think I will keep Tempo's of Thursdays. 

Just Saying.

THESE are my thoughts,

and this..

is my prayer.

 

Thoughts on Tuesday, Words on Wednesday...I don't care today

SO BASICALLY:

in exactly TWO weeks BOTH of my two best friends from Idaho are going to be here. In New Hampshire. 

I am SO SO SO EXCITED!

This is the only picture I have of the three of us...Symone and I are unshowered and about to get on an airplane

But. this would be us: Symone, Mike and Me. Reno Airport, March 2009.

This is what it is looking like:

on Monday, June 29th, I will be picking up Mike at the Manchester Air Port at 11 PM after his seven hour flight from Phoenix? I think? Mike and I will have all day Tuesday to hang out. If the weather is nice, I am thinking I will take him up north to drive the beautiful Kangamangus highway, stop at the lower falls and walk around North Conway. Or we can go hike out to Sabbaday Falls, and walk around Lost River. The options are endless, but I definitely want to take him to see the White Mountains, for sure!

Wednesday, I start work. Mike will probably hang out with my family for the morning until I get off in the early afternoon. Then we can hang out for a bit, maybe drive around Hampstead, chill in the pool, and then we go pick up Symone at the Manchester Air Port! EEEE! 

I got afternoons off on Thursday and Friday, so I only have to work from 9-noon! Thursday, we are going to venture down to Jordan's furniture in Reading to the imax theater to see TRANSFORMERS 2! AHHHHHHHH! I am SO STOKED! 

Friday, I hope to venture into Boston! Maybe take the T in and walk around Fanuiel Hall and Quincy Market! And Symone wants to see the Boston Temple, so we will make sure to swing by there as well.

Saturday will start with breakfast at the English Muffin! NOM NOM NOM! Then we will take the BEAUTIFUL drive to the beach house to spend the 4th of July! We will walk along the beach to Salisbury center and get Tripoli Pizza! head to the Hampton Board Walk and get some fried dough! and watch the Hampton Fireworks and the Salisbury ones at night! 

PERFECT WAY TO END A PERFECT WEEK!

Sunday I will take my friends back to the airport before church. I am going to miss them so much, but I am really looking forward to them being here. I can't wait to show them the East Coast, New England, New Hampshire and Boston. Most of all, I can't wait to see them and spend time with them again.

I am just so excited and happy and I can't wait for the 29th to be here!

It isn't a lie that things have been somewhat hard lately. Not just for me. I think everyone has been having a hard month. And I really can't think of a more better way to heal, to feel better, to relax, to feel at home, and to be content then to spend time with Misao and MK.

Thank you God, for the wonderful, beautiful people you have put into my life and for the opportunity for them to come visit me at this time. I am so grateful for my friends. They keep me going for sure.

Freedom Friday: 45 Lessons

My aunt forwarded me this today. 

It had some statements that I really needed to hear right now.

This is what I learned from these lessons.

45 Lessons Life has Taught Me:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

I am learning this right now. Even though there have been a lot of unfair things lately, there are some beautiful things that happen every day that show me that it isn't the end of the world. 

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 

Okay. I get it. I need to let it go.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 

Z. Thank you for letting me cry with you every night when I was visiting in April. It truly helped.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 

I guess that now you are in the past, I need to continue to try to make peace with what you did to me so I can move on and not feel crippled by the scars you left me with.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 

This was my motto all during the years I was sick. This is so true. I believe in it fully.
19.  It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 
23. Be eccentric now.. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 

I'm trying really hard to embrace who I am and to be solid in myself.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 

I've been learning this lately too. I'm trying really hard to find my own happiness.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 
27. Always choose life. 
28. Forgive everyone everything. 

I'm trying, God. I really am. Please help me forgive.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

So, if I embrace who I am solidly, then it doesn't matter what people think of me. The people who matter will stay.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 

I know that time will heal me. I never thought about giving time time to work it's magic. I need to let time pass and heal me and not hurry it up. I will heal in time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

This too shall pass.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 
33. Believe in miracles. 
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 
37. Your children get only one childhood. 
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 

This really hit me hard and made me think. I gave everything I had in my last relationship and I loved as unconditionally as I possibly could. Even though things turned sour, I know that I gave my all. I loved. And I guess that really is all that matters.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 

meaning: CHELSIE! DO NOT SIT AT HOME EVERY DAY AND SULK AND THINK TOO MUCH! GET! OUT!
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 
42. The best is yet to come. 
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 
44. Yield. 
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Did you get anything out of these lessons?

tempos on Thursday: The Conversation

The Conversation by Motion City Soundtrack

I've just started listening to Motion City Soundtrack, even though I know they have been around for a while. This isn't your typical break-up song, none of this: I can't live without you and I can't do anything with myself because I'm sucha wreck.

 I think that is why I love it so much. 

Do you remember how we met?

Silhouetted by the lights...

You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands

I was thinking about that

And a bunch of other things

Stop looking at the floor...

I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

I can't explain...

I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great

But these things, you just can't plan.

I just need a little time

So I can find myself again

'Cause I get buried underneath

All the things they think you are

And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt 

To be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams

But I gave them all to you

Now I think I want them back

So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?

Don't ever change

The way you are

I've never loved anyone more.

Check out a couple other songs by Motion City Soundtrack that I can't get enough of:

Hello Helicopter. 

Even if it Kills Me.

Where I Belong.

Thoughts on Tuesday: Wait, it's June 2009?

watch me grow?

June 2008, Graduating:

Summer 2008:

Fall 2008:

Winter 2008:

Spring 2009:

Taken by Ms. Alexandra Seal

June 2009, A year finished with College:

Can I just say that I can not believe that it is June, 2009?

Time really does pass. 

This coming Saturday, the Pinkerton Academy Class of 2009 will be graduating. I'll be there, watching Allie and Gage and Gail and Vivi all get their diplomas. I can not believe that I was the one getting my diploma only a year ago. It really feels like yesterday that I knew nothing but my world of New England. At the same time, it feels like forever ago that I was sitting through graduation practices, eager to finish school and move on to bigger and better things. 

I can't even begin to describe how much I feel I have grown in this last year. The girl who graduated June 13th, 2008 is very different from the girl who will be attending the 2009 commencement ceremony. My eyes have been opened to so many things. I have seen so many places in the last year, including Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, Nevada, California and Oregon. I have learned so much scholastically. I have made some of the best friends I could have ever asked for. People who have helped shaped me and have inspired me to change into the person I am, and into the person I want to become. From adventures in Jackson Hole, to late night Mcdonald's runs, to photo adventures, to car rides to Rough and Ready where we were infinite, to staying up late listening, talking and leaning on each other, I am overwhelmingly grateful for my friends. I do not know where I would be today if God had not placed them into my life. 

and I have learned so much about myself. I have learned to respect myself, to trust in my abilities and to stop believing in limitations. And I am continuing to learn how to find my own happiness, to focus on myself and realizing that I am my own person, and that I do not need anyone to help define who I am.  

Oh 2008 Chelsie. Isn't mind  boggling to think that a year ago, you had no clue that your friends from the West Coast even existed? And that now, in a few weeks, one of your best friends, possibly two, will be here in New Hampshire. 

It just makes me think about all of the other people who I will meet in this coming year that I do not know exist right now. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder when we will meet. I wonder what I will learn from them. I wonder what adventures we will go on.

Anyways. I've been thinking a lot about the past year, and everything that has happened. The adventures I've been on, the people I've met, the things I've learned and the opportunities I have had to grow. 

on this note, I'm excited to start work in a few weeks, for Julianna to come home so that we can have adventures, for Symone and maybe MK to come out for the 4th of July to see the East Coast, and for beach week. The last two months have been kind of slow, and painful at times, but I know things are going to start to pick up and I am ready to move forward and to move along.

These are my thoughts,

This. Is my prayer.

Freedom Friday: Inspiration

Things that have inspired me lately:

Rain that makes the flowers grow:

Sunlight that warms the soul:

Water that washes clean:

Unopened doors waiting to be seen:

Something overlooked but beautiful:

water that makes life grow:

Reflections in an incoming night:

in the dark, finding light:

new views on old things:

Alice in Wonderland:

yeah. the last part didn't rhyme. but c'mon. that kitty is SO CUTE! me want now.

Tempos on Thursday: Sunday Best

So, Augustana is pretty much known only for the song Boston, which, by the way, is one of my favorite songs ever. I had never really given them much more thought until recently and I discovered that there is actually much more to them then a one hit wonder. They are so talented! Also. Almost every song mentions something about California and Boston. Story of my lifeeee.

When she's sleeping on the sofa,

When she's laying in her Sunday best,

when she's turning over Friday,

I could swear I'm sleeping less and less...

and the ocean's getting warmer,

and California's on her mind,

Los Angeles is tired, but we always seem to feel alright,

but I won't...

no I won't...

Cause she's already out the door,

she's already out of here

she's already gone away...already gone away...

When I'm coming over Sunday

and I think about you all the time,

I wonder what you're doin

I wonder why you never cry,

When Boston's always raining,

And we never ever seemed alive,

I sung about you once now, I guess I might as well

but I won't...

no I won't...

Cause she's already out the door,

she's already out of here

she's already gone away...already gone away...

Words on Wednesday

This morning was a rough morning.

Today was a rough day. 

This evening was a rough evening.

Tonight was a perfect night.

I am completely and totally amazed, overwhelmed and awestruck in the ways that God works. I am left speechless and full of love and peace and comfort. 

I have always said that thunderstorms have always brought me closer to God. And tonight, a thunderstorm on the other side of the country has done the same. And with a few streaks of lightning in the Western sky I know, without a doubt, that he knows what he is doing. He has a plan for me and he really will not leave me comfortless. He will wait for the right time and do the right thing and bring me back to my center. 

For the first time in over a month, I am at complete and total peace. 

I am not alone.

Thoughts on Tuesday: I am in need of...

Today, I am in need of:

Chocolate. I am actually seriously considering leaving right now, at ten at night, to go get some.

A funny movie that I have never seen before. Or maybe, Night at the Museum. I watched the second one the other day in theaters and loved it and the first one on TV with my grandparents, but I still am in the mood to watch it again. 

My roommates. I need some laughs at ridiculous things. Photobooth games, soda binges and dance parties. Laughing so hard until we are on the ground, on the verge of migraines.

Alexandra. I need a Jamba Juice run, a thunderstorm, some Cartel and Tegan and Sarah, and maybe a drive to the river. Strawberries Wild, water and company would make my teeth stop hurting for sure.

Rollercoaster Tycoon. I need rides to build and crash. People to lose and find. A constant flow of cash that I can spend and not feel bad about. 

Michael. I need a MK hug, MK sarcasm/humor and MK advice. enough said. 

Snuggley Kitty. No judgement, no opinions and no leaving. Just love love love and comfort.

A Swim. My muscles are tight and need to stretch and nothing besides a swim will really do it. I have a lot of tension in my shoulders and my legs and I want to get it out. Too bad my pool is still not clean enough to swim in yet. Maybe by the end of this week.

Hamilton Therapy. My little car and his little purr and my windows rolled down and my music blaring. Taking West Street, with all of its sharp corners and windy ways and overgrown trees. I need my car to get better.

After all, Hamilton Therapy is the best therapy.