Writing heals me sometimes. Anyone who has been a regular reader knows that sometimes I write myself out in order to heal whatever is broken. This is one of those times. So you don't have to read it if you don't want to. This one was for me:
I need the number of a good plumber (preferably one who can keep his pants up-no butt cracks please). My plumbing is messed up. I keep on springing leaks, and sometimes there is a slight flood before I can figure out how to turn off the water. it's horrid. I'm someone who doesn't cry; and yet, I find myself constantly on the brim of a tsunami over the last two weeks. it's not me. I usually have much better control over myself. I'm never this sad.
So what the heck is going on, Ms. Chelsabelle? Why are you so sad?
My best friend asked me that last night, and my daddy asked me that this morning. I hate being asked such blunt questions-it always just opens up the flood gates, and then I can never get anything out coherently or make sense of my emotions.
I think I'm just overwhelmed. Everything is changing so fast; it's kind of blind siding me. It's the new year. December didn't seem so scary because everything that is going to change was waiting for me in 2011. And now here it is, and the first big change is just a mere twenty four days away. And in four months, another huge change; another giant battle waiting to be fought. It's staring me in the face and I don't want to look at it just yet. There are a lot of people questioning me; a lot of people doubting me and in the face of letting go of the one person who seems to understand me completely, it's getting to me.
But it's coming. all of it. and after a lot of tears and thinking and talking and writing and asking for advice, i think I finally see what i need to do. and where i need to be. and how i need to look at things.
My parents are the greatest people I know, and I am beyond grateful for their guidance and advice. My dad and I had a huge heart to heart today while we drove down to Methuen to drop off some stuff to the Stake YM's president. And I just had a tough love session with my mom, and although it was hard stuff to hear, it was the encouragement I needed to "pull up my bootstraps".
My name is Chelsie Caroline Whitney.
I am a sassy, spunky New Englander who has a firm footing in her faith and who refuses to let Cancer take anything away from her. I believe, in all of my heart and with all of my being, in living life to the fullest and with no regrets. I don't regret anything. I love every experience I've had, because it has made me into who I am. and for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I LOVE who I am. I love who I've become. I love that I love unconditionally, that I give as much as I can, that I've learned how to keep a positive attitude about the things I face. I love that I am sassy; that I am clumsy and that I make up words when I talk to fast.
I've always been stubborn, being a native New Englander and all. Stubborn is built into my bones. I've never been one to accept the compliment that I'm strong, and that I can defeat the challenges that lie before me. But I look at everything I've faced, and everything that I have overcome and all of the odds that I beat. I'm not supposed to be alive. But I am. I came out on top. And I think about everything that comes along with that; the gratitude and the blessings and the ability to just be alive. I think about all of the amazing opportunities that I have been privileged to experience. BYU-Idaho. Meeting my roommates. Seeing my best friend get married. Traveling to California and Washington and Wyoming and Montana. Falling "in love". Falling out of love. Falling in love again, and learning through that what true love really is.
Why the heck should I cry about that? Because things are changing? I guess that is kind of a valid point, but is the reason why they are changing sad? No. Not at all, Ms. Chelsiebelle. Missions are wonderful. Knee replacements are positive.
BIGGER PICTURE.
Why should I be so sad that I'm living and experiencing so much that I thought, at one point, I would never have? What's that quote? "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Ya. That one.
I'm human. and I reserve the right to be sad about some things. I reserve the right to feel sad.
But I cannot let it rule my life, because being sad won't get me anywhere. And I cannot live in fear.
I need to respect myself and believe in myself enough to overcome all of the doubt and fear and insecurities.
and I need to remind myself that I am not alone. That I'm never alone.
I need to do this for MYSELF!
I cannot live in fear.
I'm so much better than that.
This is my life.
I have one! A second chance!
and I'm going to live it, for me and for the people I love.
I always give the people I love 110% of myself. That is who I am.
and if I love myself, I'll give myself that much too. I'll recognize that I deserve good things!
I deserve a returned missionary!
I deserve two knees!
I deserve the opportunity to go to China or study abroad or SOMETHING!
I deserve to be HAPPY!
I deserve to be everything that I am; and everything I have the potential to become.
Wipe away those tears, Chelsie Caroline. You don't need a plumber! You can fix your own leaks!
Be happy for your family, for your roommates, for Dustin, and for yourself.
you. can. do. this.
2 comments:
Chels,
You are probably one of the most amazing people I have met! You understand yourself even if you dont see it! You are right you are strong and Heavenly Father does have a plan for you. Remember change is good! It is never easy but you learn a lot from change! That is how I gained a testimony of the church was through change and moving to Texas and look what it brought me! Geoff and you into my life and I could not ask for anything better then to have two amazing people by my side! yes we all are spread out right now, but we will be reunited! Yes this year holds alot of challenges for you but I know you and I know you can over come these challenges!! I dont doubt you but I do believe in you! You are one of my sisters from Heaven, you are a DAUGHTER of our Heavenly Parents and they will give you strength when you need it and he will send people into your life when you need it!! Chelsie you were born a fighter, you are tough, and that is what makes you Chelsie Caroline Whitney!!! =) NEVER GIVE UP.. and some advice my mom tells me when I get like this is "take the emotion out of it, and use your head! Your emotions will kill you if you let them" haha I love you Chels!!!
I love you, Chelsie. I am always here if you need someone who's been through it to vent to, always. You are a wonderful person, and you do deserve to be happy. But remember - "Never apologize for showing feeling. In doing so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli said that, and I think we all need to be reminded of it sometimes. You're quite right - being sad isn't a crime. Neither is being scared. The important thing is being able to recognize those feelings, and what you need to do to help yourself get through them. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and of knowing yourself and your limits. I'm rambling now, so I'll shut up, but remember: I love you. You are stronger than you think, and braver than you realize. You can do anything, girlie. Anything at all.
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