you had a fast car.

I remember we were driving driving in your car 

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk 

City lights lay out before us 

And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder 

And I had a feeling that I belonged 

And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone 

Don't let someone else assign you your worth.

You are who you are without anyone else.

Find you. Be you. Be happy with that.

this too shall pass

If I really think about it; this all started with Hamilton.
And I know that doesn't make much sense, because the Hamilton incident was almost a year ago; but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it started with my little green Hyundai that decided in upstate New York that it didn't have the strength to make it across the country.
Last minute flights to Idaho in order to start school on time meant a hasty repacking of my crap in order to make my suitcases weigh in under 50 pounds. It wasn't until Dad and I finally had our feet on Idaho soil and were unpacking and moving into my new apartment that I realized I had left my bag of hair accessories  on my bed in New Hampshire. My hair was in the awkward grow-out dye stage and so while dad and I hit the dollar store for some soap and toilet paper, I grabbed some hair elastics, pins and a bright teal bow to tie me over until my mom could ship out the rest of my stuff.

That bow that I bought in fall of 2009 is the reason why, over ten months later, I sit here with a bit of an aching heart, some sass back in my personality and a little bit of some spunk in my step. The car that didn't make it across the country, the hair bag that got left behind and the dollar store bargain bow. That was the start.

I wore my bow two days in a row. Different classes, no one would notice.
But you did.

and our awkward your mom jokes turned into late night facebook chats and that turned into hanging out outside of class, which turned into flying kites and snowcones and holding hands, turning into cuddling and tickle wars and that turned into a kiss, which turned into more and before we could embrace it, we slammed on the brakes and caught ourselves before we hit the ground.

You make me happy. You make me feel alive again. And I'm sorry for the confusion that took place this week. Thank you for staying, for holding me and for being okay. I love spending time with you.

We'll be okay.

I think you are going to stay and I think that we're going to be okay.
I think I might keep falling for you.
I think we're gonna be okay.

I like who you are.

you are changing your mind and I can tell.

I am going to send you on a mission.

Remember that I'm Chelsie

here is the truth:

I'm scared beyond comprehension. I'm afraid of what happened today. Don't get me wrong, I loved every second, but the fact that it happened is frightening me. I am scared because I let you in and of the fact that I feel so comfortable in my skin with you. You make me laugh and we click in a way I've never clicked with anyone else. I love playing with you and talking to you and listening to you and learning about you. I love who I am when I'm with you and the spunk that is coming back in my step from being around you. I like who you are and I like the things you think and the things you do. You are a good person and I like how honest you are with me.

And I know that you promised me that I'm not just a girl; that I'm Chelsie and you understand that.
I want to trust you and I want to just go for it.

But I can't help but be insecure. I'm scared that this happiness is going to go away suddenly and I'm gonna get hurt. You will leave. You have made promises to yourself and I don't want to make you go back on those. I will not be THAT girl who makes you risk that.

Please don't hurt me.

all's that i know is that today was good. today I was happy. and I want to stay that way.
but there is a lot more to this than just you and me.

in order to prevent over thinking, over analyzing and asking for trouble, I am going to do my religion homework and go to bed.

it all burns

Today, out of all days, you were not supposed to remember me.
I thought I was really moving on. I let myself curl up with him, talk to him, listen to him, be open and feel safe.
I had my doubts. I was scared, but I was happy. I was letting myself go for it. I was enjoying the moment. I let myself feel cared for

and then you remembered me today.
and now every fear and doubt and insecurity has come flooding back and I'm going to watch this burn because I can't let myself go for it anymore.

you were not supposed to remember me.
I was okay that you forgot. I was okay with that. I was finally facing forward and holding on to new things and people and I was beginning to hope.
you were not supposed to remember me today.

JULY means Visitors

July always seems to be the month of West Coast friends. Last July, I had two of my very best friends from the West Coast fly across the country to spend a long weekend with me in my beloved New Hampshire.
This July, I am in Idaho for the spring semester. And my dear friend Alexandra from California is coming to visit Symone and I for a week in the West!

I am SO EXCITED!

Alexandra and I met through a really long chain of events and became really close in a very short amount of time. She was there for me constantly during one of the hardest times of my life last year. A lot of people who know how we became friends don't really understand why we still are friends; but let me tell you; Z is one of the most inspiring and beautiful souls I have ever known and I can not wait for her to be here.

So! July 9th-18th! Z will be in Idaho and we will get to take her to the Sand Dunes and the Park and to classes and the Locus. We'll make a trip to Yellowstone and Jackson Hole and the Grand Tetons! We'll go to bear world and the kitty shelter and play with bebe animals. And we'll tour Temple Square and show her everything wonderful about the west.

my life is beautiful. And the people in it make it that way.

i believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.

i believe in love, even when i am alone.

i believe in God, even when he is silent.

Until Dawn

Hello city night

goodbye quiet life

say goodnight sunshine

i'm just thankful you are mine.

i finally remembered what it feels like.

thank you for reminding me.

sometimes i write.

Heal. No one ever really heals. Wounds heal, but they always leave behind scars. Soon the pain dwindles, but the reminder never goes away; the scars always stay. They fade and with a little medical cream they sometimes all but disappear, but they are always there. The thing about scars is that they come with baggage. They come attached to memories. Sometimes you can lock them up, store them away and forget all about them for a time. Scars are weaker then regular skin. One wrong move or one wrong bump can split the wound wide open again.


Once there is a scar there is no escaping. Ever. You carry that constant reminder around with you for the rest of your life. But scars are not signs of weakness. No. Scars are our victories, our triumphs and the ability to overcome the things that hurt us. Scars are the lessons learned that you keep with you. Scars...well, scars are beautiful. And I think that people heal, but they let the scar stay because without those scars you can't see where you have come from or have an idea of where you are going. 


My scars are a struggle, a constant reminder, a journey and lessons learned. My scars are beautiful.
and I am not ashamed of them

chlorine and motorcycles

damp hair means damp pillows
and the smell of chlorine is woven into my skin;
luke-warm breeze drifts through the blinds.
today was a sun soaked sky day.
silver scissors, herbal scented hair,
muffled purr of the suzuki engine
the white noise of absent cable
the sound of contemporary choir just in time.

i am ready for my summer skin.

i need a pep talk

this is MY life and only mine. I can do whatever I want with it and be whoever I want and if I wake up one day and decide I don't like where I am; I can start all over. And I hope I have the courage to start over. And I hope that I remember what it's like to be alive again on my own. And when things get tough, I hope I have the strength to keep standing. I hope I can keep fighting the good fight. And when things hurt, I hope I don't regret them. I want to learn from every mistake and every trial and every triumph.


I am powerful despite my injuries.

everything happens for a reason.

just believe.

golden

Saw this guy live last night at Locus; absolutely amazing. blew my mind.
ever hear music that hits your heart in just the right way and you just become so drawn in and enthralled and in that moment; nothing else matters and everything is okay all at once?

yeah. that happened last night when I heard Allred preform this song last night.




I was uncertain about everything.
And there in the sky was an opening.
That could take me away from this place, and all of this.
Would they even notice, would there be a change if I was gone, for hundreds of days?
And this is the reason why, there's some people I won't miss.
Cause I'm so tired of feeling alone, 
We could have been golden.
We could have been something,
We could have been everything that we wanted.
But we were too fragile, 
We could be broken. 
And we could be bought.
The suns still going down on me, I'm waiting for you.
I'm up to my knees, and I can't make a move without there being something I could lose.
And could there be something better than this? could I find a meaning to happiness?
Could a smile be an expression I could use.
Cause I'm still tired of feeling alone, 
we could have been golden.
We could have been something. 
We could have been everything that we wanted.
But we were too fragile, 
we could be broken. 
And we could be bought.
If this is the last time I'm going to say this, I loved you more than anything and I still do.
And I still do. I still think of you when I close my ees, with your face stuck in my mind.
Smiling, while I was dying inside.

one of those days

you know those people who are like a breathe of fresh air? They come out of nowhere and you aren't even expecting it and all of a sudden there they are and you realize that your lungs were not working properly and now you are getting more air than you can hold.

You know what it's like to watch those people come in and out of your life? You finally find someone who gives you that new twist and outlook on life and you feel alive again and all of a sudden, before you can hold your breath, they are gone. It's hard. It's hard to wake up one day and realize that things have changed and that once again you are stuck in a rut that you can't get out of. You're alive, but you aren't living.

and when things get the hardest and the days all blend into each other, something happens; someone comes along and all of a sudden there is air again. And you feel alive again.

my life seems to have three main themes: one of them being breathing, the other being change and the third being appreciating life even when things are hard. Today, as I sit here with my scriptures open in my lap trying to get my religion homework done and a new band playing softly from my computer speakers that I am quickly falling in love with, I can't help but sigh. Today wasn't the greatest day. 500 disconnected numbers, two very grumpy and impatient people on the phone at work; finding myself saying the stupidest things; group meeting; missing my best friend and realizing that things have changed in almost every way; and being totally exhausted has really tampered with my usually good spirits. I hate days when I feel like I'm just existing and that's all. I'm not really there or people don't notice me and I don't have the energy to find my spark. Today I'm down on myself. Today I can't find my groove. I make a mistake and I just beat myself up. Today I don't feel good enough for anyone. Today I feel the sorrow and the grief for those who are experiencing loss. Today was just one of those days.

But here is the thing about life. It goes on. I just have to remember that sometimes change is okay.

sometimes change is everything.

perception checks and other random things from today:

11:30 AM: Dusty quoting me: "I need M&Ms. back."

12:30 PM: me: "The only reason why I remembered it was michalangelo was because I thought of my foam chair in the shape of a teenage mutant ninja turtle that I had when I was little...then my dog peed on it and my mom threw it away.
Dusty: "This is why I love you, that was so random!"

3:00 PM me: "Symone...when I come home from class, I need you to be really angry. Then we are going to talk about your feelings okay?"

5:45 PM me: "SYMONE! I'm WALKING THROUGH THE DOOR! START SLAMMING CABINETS!"
5:46 PM Symone:"I can't be angry!" as she slams a cabinet. Erin: "I'm GOING TO PLAY FARMVILLE!" Symone: "ERIN! DON'T YOU DARE! I'LL GET PISSED!"

9:15 PM me: "Symone, let's talk about your feelings. I noticed today that you were slamming the kitchen cabinets and that you were yelling at Erin. This made me worried....or not...did that sound innocent? ummm."
Symone: "How am I supposed to respond to that."
me: "I'm not sure..."

9:34 PM Anne: "DO YOU WANT IT TO BE GANDALF WHITE?!"
 Erin: "IT'S NOT GANDALF WHITE! but it is burning...bad!! Bad news bears!"