it isn't even 1 PM yet and it still is Monday (the first day back to school) and I already feel like I have the world on my shoulders and that everything has piled up on me within the last few hours in a fast paced, heavy, painful kind of way.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained and I do not have the time to feel anything right now except for the stresses of the end of the semester and making sure everything academic-wise is in check and stays that way.

I don't have the time to deal with anything else.

and although I know this and have been telling myself that there just isn't time to feel, there is this little piece of my mind nagging at me, repeating things that I am trying to shove in the back of my head and silence for a while, and I can't shake it and my heart is heavy and my body is tired and my soul is weary.

Basically. It will be a miracle if I get through today without having some kind of meltdown.

mmm whatcha say,

mmm that you only meant well?

well of course you did

mmmm whatcha say,

mmm that it's all for the best?

of course it is.

Chelsie

BE SAFE on your way up here

the weather looks questionable

12:19pmBrad

well good thing im riding with a little asian girl haha.

there and back again...

so yesterday, my FHE brother and I embarked on a Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon. and although I left half way through Return of the King to take care of something, I still feel accomplished that I got that far. last time i tried to do that, I went to bed before the first one was even finished. lame sauce, i know.

and this is what I have to say:

Things have been confusing for me lately. I won't go into detail, but they just have been confusing. I've been trying to figure things out, figure friendships out, figure out what I need and why I crave certain things from people. On top of that, there is a very scary letter in transit right now that I am dreading the arrival of, finals and tests and grades and a very large car bill waiting for me in a month. ugh. I've been overwhelmed in a totally different way then usual this week and I have not been a fan.

I've been finding comfort in some new people who have kept my spirits up and have made me feel better about some things. I have learned a lot this last week, including rediscovering the world outside, and the spirit of the holidays and how to just be alive again. But now it is the end of the week and my best friend just left to go back to Utah and I've realized that some other people have other things to do that are more important then keeping me company. (that sounds snotty, I realize this, but i mean it in the most kindest, realistic way. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and I am fine with that) But am I a little hurt by all of that? for sure. But I realized, once again that I can take what I've learned from the people who have come into my life and apply it to myself and be a better person.

I can not let anything slow me down, and I can't let anything hurt me too much. Take the punch, accept the hurt, breathe and learn. Friends are always a great thing to have and I always take away so much from the people who are in my life. But I realize that things won't be like they were in fall of 08, and that I can't expect them to be like that and in turn, I can't try to make them be like that. Trying to fill up that hole with a new piece of the puzzle that is just slightly off in size or shape makes things painful when I finally realize that it just won't fit. Instead, I need to take the new people and things and events in my life and let the hole adapt to their shapes. It will make me a different person, but that is how life is. It is my right to grow and learn. No more forcing things or hoping for things to be like they used to be. Things are in the past and it is time for new experiences to keep on shaping and changing me. I need to take what is given to me and run with it. Accept it. Be better because of it. and i can't let it get me down.

I don't have the time or the emotional capacity, really.

I'm pretty sure that none of this will make any sense to anyone. oh well.

and to tie this back to lord of the rings..

in conclusion:

Even darkness must pass.

the shadow proves the sunshine. I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shinning.

and when i think: "I wish none of this had happened"

So do all who live to see such time, but that is not for them to decide. All's you have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to you.

and always:

there is some good in this world. and it is worth fighting for.

escaping to middle earth makes everything better.

alive

i love meeting people who are alive.

and i love being around those people who don't let anything bring them down, who live in the moment, who keep pushing forward, who smile and stay positive and who understand the beauty of life.

I don't know how else to describe it.

they are just just alive.

and it is so beautiful!

i believe in the sun, even when it's not shining.

implode

it's hard to explain where I am at right now, and I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around not what I am feeling, but why i am feeling like this.

some of these emotions have totally caught me off guard. I feel like i've been punched in the stomach and sometimes i can't breathe or i feel just totally naseous. (I can't figure out how to spell that word, oh well)

A week ago, I was doing fine. A week ago, none of these feelings phased me.

sometimes, i feel like the things that happened to me are all distant memories or echos of dreams. there is a fuzzy blur to all of the things that happened to me and it is easy to almost forget about it. and then, something happens that throws it all back in my face and i freak out and I think: "i'm more screwed up then I realized".

Juli said: "I think that is why they call it trauma."

I've lost my center and I keep reminding myself of it, but I can't get myself back to it quite yet.

I guess my problem is that I had begun to hope a little too soon and got a little carried away with dreams and plans. I need to take a step back and let things move along the way they are meant to go, and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

and I need to breathe about the letter. it's coming at least, right? That is what I've been waiting for and wanting. He's thinking about me, right? I guess I am afraid of what the letter is going to say, and worried if it is going to make things worse instead of better. ugh.

advice from my best friend:

"let it happen naturally."

"You don't need to let him back in, even after you forgive him"

sidenote. i need gas asap tomorrow morning, and a trip to the store to get some chocolate and cookie dough is a must. I need to place a phone call to Alexandra, because it is long over due and I miss her terribly. Maybe I'll go to the library with Kevin and start studying for science. That would probably be a good idea, seeing as my mom called me today and got on my case about facebooking during class on friday.

Stay busy, Chelsiebelle. you have work and your best friend, and your roommates and the boys and school. Stay focused and know that you will be home soon. things will work out.

life is still beautiful, no matter what happens.

today, waking up to a morning full of white and feeling the warm air blowing through the vents of my car and the sound of snow crunching underneath my tires reminded me that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

i am an implosion of emotion.

i have come to the conclusion that I am ridiculous.

just plain ridiculous.

recent emotions

I am so confused all of a sudden.

I just need my best friend to be here.

now.

realization: he was your best friend before he was mine. and even if he let me in more, or told me more, or trusted me more, (if what he said was true) he was still your best friend first.

and I think I understand that and I'm beginning to accept that now. and while I have moments where I wish he was still my best friend too, the fact is that he isn't. and that was his choice, and not mine. i know that i didn't do anything. and that gives me some peace.

Fact: I have way too much I want to do these days to worry about some things. and there is so much time left that I don't need to worry about these things. and the fact is: i am better off without you and without those plans to wait, because they would have held me off from realizing my dreams and goals and keep me from learning important things that have made me a better, beautiful daughter of God. every day I understand more and more that everything happens for a reason, and this happened to put me on this path and I am supposed to be going in this direction. There is a plan.

tomorrow: calls for a nap more then likely and another long stint in the library. But also, a longer visit with the boys who I've missed a lot.

reminder: be genuine and honest. keep my room clean! keep eating healthy and doing those crunches. Pray. this is MY life and these are MY dreams and I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and be whoever I want. Don't stop dreaming, not because he told me to, but because I am a dreamer. Keep my head up, don't get discouraged, keep working hard. I am improving every day and making progress and I can see it! I can see how far I have come and I can see where I want to go.

meaningful moment: "I'm glad you made it through that trial. It means that you have a purpose for being here."

don't forget: she is from New Hampshire, and she says she's gonna see it all.

homework. check.

shower. check

bed before midnight. check

onward into another hectic and busy week, with the promise of a full nine days with my best friend to follow.

bring it on

time for myself.

Saturday for mySelf=success.

Gosh, I should do this more often.

I know I have been busy the last few weeks. Adjusting to a new job and work schedule, trying to keep up with 16 credits, church activities and spending time with my friends has definitely kept me on the go. It's been a lot on my plate and I have been really overwhelmed with all my constant "on the go" schedule; I haven't even found the time to call some people who I've been promising phone calls to. ugh. talk about exhausting.

I realized last night that I need to take time for myself more often.

A few hours to take time and step back from everything and just relax and do something for myself.

And this is something that I've never really done before, but finally am grasping the concept of. taking time for myself isn't a bad thing. Taking care of myself, emotionally and physically is something that is good and healthy and needed.

so today, I curled up with a blanket, a book that i WANTED to read and didn't NEED to read for class, a cup of hot cocoa and some corn bread and spent a few hours doing something that I haven't done in months: reading!

I also went shopping this morning with my roommates. i love winco, stalking up on yummy foods and being inspired to cook real meals. Maybe it's nostalgia that has been getting to me; Julianna and I have been talking about our adventures from a few years ago frequently. Anyways. I've been craving my mom's homemade beef stew. and so today, I took the time to make it.

mmmm, yummy. my apartment smelled so delicious too, just like my home back in New Hampshire on a cold late fall day. Perfect way to end my saturday.

A book, a blanket and a little piece of home.

goals for this weekend:

1. Take the time to read a book I want to read. blankets and sweatpants and hot cocoa.

2. Go to the library for a while

3. Write to my missionary friends

4. Create a budget and go over my finances.

5. Relax.

6. Pray.

computer virus?

okay so, my computer might be having a baby melt down.

it is doing this thing where if i click on a link of one of the links of a website i visit frequently, it adds ".index.jsp" to the end of the url. and obviously, that makes it the incorrect url and it won't bring me to the website. FRUSTERATING!

i don't understanddddd

a letter from my favorite elder.

"You got an 88 on your math test? AWESOME! I'm so proud of you! I knew you weren't a total failure!"

encouraging words just when I needed to hear them.

stay safe, elder.

i miss you!

i want to study abroad in the worst way.

Music's in my soul

making music is really the only thing that saves me from despair when everything else fails.

because when i am playing my flute or the piano or the guitar and I'm concentrating on the sounds and tones and notes and melodies and harmonies and rhythms and there is no room in my head for anything else, and the sounds fill me up to my finger tips and my tippy toes and I can't begin to wrap my mind around how beautiful and complex music is and how my body's sounds and motions fit perfectly within the music that I make...my heartbeat and my breathing and the way my tummy grumbles...and the world around me goes away and it is just me and my insturment and my music...

when that happens,

I feel no pain.

i am all over the place with my emotions and it's frightening.

get it together, Chelsie.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Older chests reveal themselves

Like a crack in a wall

Starting small, and grow in time

And we always seem to need the help

Of someone else

To mend that shelf

Too many books

Read me your favourite line

She broke down the other day, yeah you know

Some things in life may change

But some things they stay the same

Like time, there's always time

On my mind

So pass me by, I'll be fine

Just give me time

Time, there's always time

On my mind

Pass me by, I'll be fine

Just give me time

"Today, I went to Chelsie's house. We watched Phantom of the Opera. Then we took a nap. Then we watched The Day After Tomorrow. We then went to Walmart for a wicked long time. We came back and I stayed at Chelsie's until Sunday."

Funny, how looking back to those days of sickness and surgeries and high school makes us yearn for them to come back.

We never realized how simple our lives were back then....

I need this weekend more then anyone knows.

oh how amazing is the thought of the comfort of a best friend.

i have a few things bouncing around in my head right now so forgive me if this is scattered and kind of odd and unconnected.

I had a very deep chat with a friend last night about some of the things I wrote about the other day, and he said something I found kind of profound.

"Every relationship is a failure until you get married."

Hm. Interesting. It has me thinking, and making me kind of curious. What qualifies a failed relationship? Does the way a relationship end (poorly or well) make a difference? I guess it makes sense. We get into relationships to get married, and if we don't get married, then the relationship failed to fulfill the purpose.

I think I needed to hear that last night. I think I needed to understand that there will be more failures and that I need to take the risk in order to finally find the winning one. My friend said that we all get hurt and damaged and we all have trust issues and that we will keep on getting teared into and brought down and become broken hearted but that is how the process of relationships work. We have to be broken a few times in order to know when we are whole.

on that note, I am really content with the fact that I have these friends around. It is such a comfort to feel trusted and wanted around again. It's an element in my life that I've been missing since last fall. at the same time, I still have the guard up to protect me. But after last night, I saw a glimmer of hope that there is potential for someone to take it down again. It will take a lot of work, but I don't think that I will be closed up forever.

This probably makes no sense. oh well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that: These new friends have been sent to me at the right time and say the right things when I am in need of direction and hope. I am so thankful for that.

I could care less about the evolution of the peppered moth.

for real this time.

i love you, stay safe.

Erin: "Is that a berret?"

Anne: "Yeah, Erin, she's Jewish!"

rooomates and poker nights make everything better

Warning: extreme emotional content ahead

Warning: extreme emotional and slightly dramatic content ahead.

This is what my conclusion is as of late:

I’ve been so angry and so bitter and in such shock (still) for the last five and a half months that I haven’t really taken the time to really examine what exactly is broken and damaged.

Yeah, I’ve been putting myself back together all summer and into this semester. I know that I’m doing better. I’ve ignored things that keep on coming up and I push memories way back into my head. I am not okay with what happened in May…but I’ve accepted that it did happen. It did happen and I have every right to be angry and bitter and to just push forward without really giving it a second thought. I’ve had my moments when what happened in May comes out of nowhere and hits me so hard that I forget to breathe. And then I get too angry that I just ignore it and push forward. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that he broke me and I don’t want to let myself what it feels like to broken. I don’t want to hurt, and I do not want to feel weak. That is what I have trained myself in for the last three years. Showing weakness interrupts my life along with the ones around me. I have learned that the hard way. Plus, I don’t have the time to feel weak or broken, so I’ve pushed it aside and put myself back together. I’ve focused on other things, setting achievable and tangible goals and pushing forward. I haven’t given myself any reason, chance or time to be hurt or sad. That is just the way things are.

But some things have come up in my life lately that has forced me to take the time and assess the damage. I’ve realized that even though I have made a lot of progress in my every day life, it will mean nothing if I really don’t take the time to figure out what is really wrong and try to overcome it. It has the potential to follow me for the rest of my life.

And this is what I’ve come up with:

I am afraid. I think about how perfect everything was and how our story couldn’t have been more perfectly constructed. We were best friends, we earned each other’s trust, we taught each other new things when it came to relationships and learned how to function while being apart. I trusted him with everything. There wasn’t a part of me that he didn’t know and in turn, he began to trust me with everything. It amazed me everyday how well functioning our relationship was. We gave and took equally and communicated about everything. We voiced our fears, concerns, hopes and dreams and encouraged each other and walked through our trials hand in hand. I think about how much he knew about me and how much I entrusted him with. I think about how he knew my faults and imperfections and how he told me he loved me for them. I think about how much of myself I gave to him and how I can’t express in words how far I let him in. And then I realize the giant hole in my being when I think about what was there and what went missing.

And after the events in May, I don’t know how much of that was true. I don’t know how much of our relationship was real. And after he had worked so hard to break my trust barriers down, I never thought he would betray my trust. I never thought he would do that. Never saw it coming. Maybe that is why things are so hard. I never saw this coming.

And now, I realize that I can’t be excited about harmless flirting or crushes or cute gestures. I get this intense rush of panic. Sheer, utter panic. Sometimes, I’ll be in the middle of my homework, sitting in the Crossroads during the busiest time of the day and something will cross my mind and before I realize it, I’m almost hyperventilating. HOW RIDICULOUS! I think about how the last time I was in a similar situation, how I got into something so serious that I planned my future around it and how that future fell down and how I was left alone with no idea where to go or how to move forward. I realize that I can’t trust anyone new. I can’t rely on them to always be there, because the person who I never thought would leave me, did. No matter how nice or kind or constant or consistent they are, I can’t bring myself to trust them to be real friends. I realize that I have a problem with flirting and getting attention from boys and such because all’s I can see is what will happen in the end. I see a serious relationship, and then I see an end. I get ahead of myself and assume the worse. I shouldn’t think about those things when nothing remotely serious has come about. Spending time with a guy doesn’t mean that they are going to try to get me to promise to marry them and then just drop me. Right?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I realize that I might not find someone else willing and wanting to learn about me and share things with me like he did. Someone who wants to know every little detail about me, end their day with me and listen to my pointless stories and obsessions about pelican statues and Lord of the Rings. And even if I did find someone like that, I would probably never give them the chance to learn about me, because I have the fear that they would just get up and walk away with another piece of me. I wouldn’t let them far enough in to even consider it.

I feel very guarded. I can almost see the brick walls that I have built around myself. I can feel the panic start to build when I spend a little too much time with someone new or I start talking about something deeper then I would normally talk about. And now, as I write this, I panic because I fear that I will never let myself be able to go for it again. Will I be on my own for the rest of my life because of my fears?

It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I have to feel this damaged and this scared and totally unsafe in the presence of others. It makes me so unbelievably angry that I can’t give new people the chance to learn about me, and that I have melt downs when I think about getting close to someone new. I know that they say it is always better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I think that I don’t have a problem with loving as much as I am having a problem with being loved.

I’m angry. I’m trying to let it go, and I am trying to move forward. Some days are better then others. I want to let it go and move on with my life. I don’t want to be afraid of these things, but I don’t know how to go about fixing them. Maybe all of these feelings are delayed. Maybe I should have let myself feel these things sooner.

But like I said, I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like showing that I am broken. But the truth is, I am a mess. No one has really seen that, but if I am being totally honest, I hurt constantly. And I know that he didn’t do anything to you, and I know that you still see him as the goofy, fun Californian from Fall semester, but for gosh sakes, I am your friend too. And he has lots of things to sustain him and keep him busy, and I am the one left behind, trying to move forward. Me.

I need closure.

Closure that hasn’t come and probably won’t.

It isn’t fair that you left me like this, with so much damaged and no way of getting my unanswered questions asked or the ability to put myself back together. It isn’t fair that I have to work so hard to put myself back together, and that I have to do it by myself. It is not fair that you broke me, but that you also took away one of the only friends who I would have turned to for comfort. You broke every promise you made to me, you lied to me, you used me, you took my secrets and you left me.

You ran.

And I hate you for that.

"You are in denial"

"NO I'M NOT! DE NILE IS A RIVER IN EGYPT!"

being tired all of the time is exhausting.