and in the moment where i almost lost myself, you were there to pull me back to reality, to my feet and remind me that you have my back.
30.10.10
i love it when daddy comes home.
i am so close to being in the arms of my daddy and really, that is the only thing i need right now.
he couldn't have come at a better time.
i just need the calm, understanding reassurance that he gives me.
he couldn't have come at a better time.
i just need the calm, understanding reassurance that he gives me.
27.10.10
and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
the wind turns raw and damp
biting at your skin
smothering the smoldering remains of this autumn's seasonal burn
and we bend as the aspen do
bracing for the first taste of cool change on our lips
grasping onto those lingering echos of summer warmth inside our mouths
thin as paper and frail with dying embers
they tumble into memories
and the seasons turn.
biting at your skin
smothering the smoldering remains of this autumn's seasonal burn
and we bend as the aspen do
bracing for the first taste of cool change on our lips
grasping onto those lingering echos of summer warmth inside our mouths
thin as paper and frail with dying embers
they tumble into memories
and the seasons turn.
25.10.10
oh brother.
today, i miss Geoff.
i would like nothing better than to be in the passenger seat of that little white eclipse, music pulsating through the seats and the purr of the manual transmission vibrating the doors; my feet on the dash and the heat blowing on my face and the solid tenor of Geoff's voice singing "you are loved" at the top of his lungs; green eyes wide with happiness and his chuckle interwoven at his missed notes. I would look at him and he would wait patiently for me to spill and once I had finished a five minute rant about why there were tears in my eyes, he would pull the car over in the temple parking lot so that the windshield was overlooking the Rexburg valley and take a deep breath.
"you are loved, sister." he would say. "don't give up. you are worth it; you deserve it, this is part of your plan, just trust in it. Trust the boy; listen to him because he knows you and he understands. don't give up, don't give in."
and I would take a deep breath and realize that he was right and that I do deserve love and that I am capable of being in this super healthy and stable relationship and that I should just listen to that boy, like Geoff said, because he is honest with me and we were meant for each other.
i just need a pep talk from Geoff.
i would like nothing better than to be in the passenger seat of that little white eclipse, music pulsating through the seats and the purr of the manual transmission vibrating the doors; my feet on the dash and the heat blowing on my face and the solid tenor of Geoff's voice singing "you are loved" at the top of his lungs; green eyes wide with happiness and his chuckle interwoven at his missed notes. I would look at him and he would wait patiently for me to spill and once I had finished a five minute rant about why there were tears in my eyes, he would pull the car over in the temple parking lot so that the windshield was overlooking the Rexburg valley and take a deep breath.
"you are loved, sister." he would say. "don't give up. you are worth it; you deserve it, this is part of your plan, just trust in it. Trust the boy; listen to him because he knows you and he understands. don't give up, don't give in."
and I would take a deep breath and realize that he was right and that I do deserve love and that I am capable of being in this super healthy and stable relationship and that I should just listen to that boy, like Geoff said, because he is honest with me and we were meant for each other.
i just need a pep talk from Geoff.
four hour naps kill me
because then I stay up too late, not doing anything productive except facebook stalk, which is such a time waster and I just want to be sleeping, but I am wide awake and full of energy and stuff.
It's wet and damp outside and my knee is a bit achey because of the rain and I think about what I wouldn't give to wake up in my big bed back on the East Coast tomorrow and enjoy just one day of New England Autumn. Nostalgia. It's sinking into my skin and settling into my bones.
I just had one of the best weekends with some of my favorite people and I'm sad it's ending. This semester is going by too fast. I'm panicking a little; I need more time to do everything with school and work and the people I love. PANIC! at the disco. that was a good band; juli and i used to sing to them all of the time during the days of the '95 Jeep, top off, caught off guard in a summer rainstorm and getting drenched as we laughed hysterically, booking it home along the snake-like winding roads in londonderry, new hampshire.
I saw Juli this weekend, and I got to curl up in the bed with her and talk until the wee hours of the morning about everything under the sun. I got a lot of good heart to hearts this weekend, and i am so grateful for the insights i gained and for the advice I received and the hope that everything will work out.
i'm just all over the place; too much sleep is not good for me. four hour naps throw me off and make me in weirdy moods.
i'm going to bed now.
bahahaha.
It's wet and damp outside and my knee is a bit achey because of the rain and I think about what I wouldn't give to wake up in my big bed back on the East Coast tomorrow and enjoy just one day of New England Autumn. Nostalgia. It's sinking into my skin and settling into my bones.
I just had one of the best weekends with some of my favorite people and I'm sad it's ending. This semester is going by too fast. I'm panicking a little; I need more time to do everything with school and work and the people I love. PANIC! at the disco. that was a good band; juli and i used to sing to them all of the time during the days of the '95 Jeep, top off, caught off guard in a summer rainstorm and getting drenched as we laughed hysterically, booking it home along the snake-like winding roads in londonderry, new hampshire.
I saw Juli this weekend, and I got to curl up in the bed with her and talk until the wee hours of the morning about everything under the sun. I got a lot of good heart to hearts this weekend, and i am so grateful for the insights i gained and for the advice I received and the hope that everything will work out.
i'm just all over the place; too much sleep is not good for me. four hour naps throw me off and make me in weirdy moods.
i'm going to bed now.
bahahaha.
24.10.10
The way you make me feel is like...
Smelling fresh cut grass or being in the back of a jeep under the stars. Or returning home from a long trip or just driving with no destination during late summer evenings. It's like the feeling you get when you get an 'A' on your paper and your parents tell you how proud they are. Or when you hear your family laugh together or the whooshing of a tunnel when you drive with the windows down. It's like when you're outside on a hot summer day and your skin is pulsing with warmth and you have a cold glass of ice water. Or when you talk to an old friend after a month or two, yet the two of you are still as close as ever.
It's like the feeling you get when you hear your favorite song on the radio for the first time in a while, and you turn it up and feel so alive. When you get a letter in the mail from someone who is far away but it still thinking of you. Or lying in bed watching a snow storm, knowing you don't have to get up for hours and get to just lay in the warmth of your comforters for a long time. It's the way your stomach flip flops during a true kiss, or how your body feels when you take off in an airplane. Or when you drive around in the front seat of the car that belongs to the boy you like and even though you should feel scared beyond control because he's driving so fast, you feel so safe and alive. Yeah, that feeling.
the way you make me feel, feels good to me.
It's like the feeling you get when you hear your favorite song on the radio for the first time in a while, and you turn it up and feel so alive. When you get a letter in the mail from someone who is far away but it still thinking of you. Or lying in bed watching a snow storm, knowing you don't have to get up for hours and get to just lay in the warmth of your comforters for a long time. It's the way your stomach flip flops during a true kiss, or how your body feels when you take off in an airplane. Or when you drive around in the front seat of the car that belongs to the boy you like and even though you should feel scared beyond control because he's driving so fast, you feel so safe and alive. Yeah, that feeling.
the way you make me feel, feels good to me.
21.10.10
life lately
i'm so....
happy.smiley.crazy.comfortable.wonderful.content.inspired.thankful.inlove.warm.great.
i get to see Julianna tomorrow
And here is a trip down memory lane. These are all random emails passed between us. And a perfect definition of our friendship.
Juli: I love seeing the countryside though. I dont love walking through sheep/cow poo all day though. Speaking of which, a bird pooped on my head today. Like for real. Oh my gosh do you remember that time something peed on my head in your yard? I forgot about that
Chelsie: YES! I do remember that time when something peed on you. I think we were playing on the trampoline? Yes. And, welcome to the bird poop club. Did I ever tell you that I got pooped on when I was on the band trip to DC? Gage and I were sitting outside on a picnic table at a rest stop and all of a sudden there was this giant splat on my shoulder and Gage goes..."Chelsie...I think a bird just took a dump on you." Grossest thing EVER.
Chelsie: I got CPR certified yesterday and I think I pulled my butt muscles doing it, because my butt is SORE!
Chelsie: So yesterday morning, every fire alarm in my house goes off as if there was a Californian Wildfire in my backyard. Was there any smoke? No, of course not! it took us five minutes to rip them all out of the ceiling and get the to shut up.
Juli: Hey Chelsie-face!
I was thinking about you today as we crossed South Dakota. I'm sure I should have an explanation for that.. but I dont.
Chelsie: thank you for your level 50 text message today. it made my life.
Juli: HAVE SOME COMPOSTURE, WHERE YOUR POSURE!?
Chelsie: i was saying that i will sit out in my garden and protect my veggies from the deer with my bow and arrow that i made with my bare hands like bear grills!!! bahahahhhaha. im going to the mall tonight to purchase some undawear, bootay shorts and a book. do you need anything while i am out?
Juli: I just wasted an unnecessary amount of time drawing you a calendar just in case you forgot I am coming home Friday!!!! :)
Chelsie: last night, for no particular reason, i was thinking about how we played amazing grace at my nana's memorial and how you attempted to decresendo on the last note with that pedal and like, stomped on it so it went from loud to nothing and i laughed out loud.
Juli: can I just say that your newest bumper sticker does not make sense. Edward Cullen cannot be the sexiest man alive, not only because he is a fictional character, but also because he is a VAMPIRE...and vampires are not alive. They are un-dead. take that twilight.
Juli: My Dishwasher!
Juli: EXPLODING
Juli: DRYER!
Chelsie: MY CAT DIED!
Juli: Is your pule?
Chelsie: my what?
Juli: I'm GOING TO SMUFFLE YOU!
Chelsie: I was just thinking about your squeaky eye. and that time you thought you were a mermaid.
Juli: Well, you're still waiting for your owl from hogwarts.
I am so lucky and blessed to have someone who has stayed by my side through the worst times imaginable and the best times possible. I am so excited to see her tomorrow and to see Jordan and for two of the most important people in my life to finally meet!
Juli: I love seeing the countryside though. I dont love walking through sheep/cow poo all day though. Speaking of which, a bird pooped on my head today. Like for real. Oh my gosh do you remember that time something peed on my head in your yard? I forgot about that
Chelsie: YES! I do remember that time when something peed on you. I think we were playing on the trampoline? Yes. And, welcome to the bird poop club. Did I ever tell you that I got pooped on when I was on the band trip to DC? Gage and I were sitting outside on a picnic table at a rest stop and all of a sudden there was this giant splat on my shoulder and Gage goes..."Chelsie...I think a bird just took a dump on you." Grossest thing EVER.
Chelsie: I got CPR certified yesterday and I think I pulled my butt muscles doing it, because my butt is SORE!
Chelsie: So yesterday morning, every fire alarm in my house goes off as if there was a Californian Wildfire in my backyard. Was there any smoke? No, of course not! it took us five minutes to rip them all out of the ceiling and get the to shut up.
Juli: Hey Chelsie-face!
I was thinking about you today as we crossed South Dakota. I'm sure I should have an explanation for that.. but I dont.
Chelsie: Liz brought her newest boyfriend, who is the size of a house and that was weird.
Chelsie: thank you for your level 50 text message today. it made my life.
Juli: HAVE SOME COMPOSTURE, WHERE YOUR POSURE!?
Chelsie: i was saying that i will sit out in my garden and protect my veggies from the deer with my bow and arrow that i made with my bare hands like bear grills!!! bahahahhhaha. im going to the mall tonight to purchase some undawear, bootay shorts and a book. do you need anything while i am out?
Juli: I just wasted an unnecessary amount of time drawing you a calendar just in case you forgot I am coming home Friday!!!! :)
Chelsie: last night, for no particular reason, i was thinking about how we played amazing grace at my nana's memorial and how you attempted to decresendo on the last note with that pedal and like, stomped on it so it went from loud to nothing and i laughed out loud.
Juli: can I just say that your newest bumper sticker does not make sense. Edward Cullen cannot be the sexiest man alive, not only because he is a fictional character, but also because he is a VAMPIRE...and vampires are not alive. They are un-dead. take that twilight.
Juli: My Dishwasher!
Juli: EXPLODING
Juli: DRYER!
Chelsie: MY CAT DIED!
Juli: Is your pule?
Chelsie: my what?
Juli: I'm GOING TO SMUFFLE YOU!
Chelsie: I was just thinking about your squeaky eye. and that time you thought you were a mermaid.
Juli: Well, you're still waiting for your owl from hogwarts.
bebe Juli and Chelsie (13 and 14)
cancer (17 and 16)
post cancer (17 and 18)
marriage (20 and 20!)
I am so lucky and blessed to have someone who has stayed by my side through the worst times imaginable and the best times possible. I am so excited to see her tomorrow and to see Jordan and for two of the most important people in my life to finally meet!
19.10.10
Did you say it?
Tell someone you love them right now. Do it. Even if you feel stupid, even if love isn't your thing. Even if you told them three minutes ago. Tell them that you love them with meaning. Even if emotion isn't your thing. Tell the person who you rely on, the person you trust the most, the person who you can't imgaine your life being empty of. Tell someone who changed your life, who made you a better person, who inspires you. Tell your mom, your best friend, you brother, your boyfriend. Tell them as if it's your last chance. Just tell someone you love, that you love them.
Did you say it?
You never know what life is going to throw at you. And it will through a lot of things. Some come slow and with time and knowledge, some blindside you on some idle Friday morning. That's the way things are. And that's what I've learned to accept. Life will not slow down for anyone or anything; time and people and space, it'll all keep moving and changing and throwing things at you that you never see coming. You just never know.
So tell someone you love them. Because this is it. You never know when that opportunity will be gone. And most of the time, it's too late. Take advantage of the time you have right now. Make a plan. Set a goal. Live your life. But every now and then, pause. look around. smell the roses. run in the rain. this is it.
it might all be gone tomorrow.
Did you say it?
Did you say it?
You never know what life is going to throw at you. And it will through a lot of things. Some come slow and with time and knowledge, some blindside you on some idle Friday morning. That's the way things are. And that's what I've learned to accept. Life will not slow down for anyone or anything; time and people and space, it'll all keep moving and changing and throwing things at you that you never see coming. You just never know.
So tell someone you love them. Because this is it. You never know when that opportunity will be gone. And most of the time, it's too late. Take advantage of the time you have right now. Make a plan. Set a goal. Live your life. But every now and then, pause. look around. smell the roses. run in the rain. this is it.
it might all be gone tomorrow.
Did you say it?
18.10.10
Four Years Cancer Free!
Today marks four years of being completely done with Chemotherapy.
I was talking to Juli yesterday and she said something along the lines of that when I was sick, she didn't believe that I had cancer and now that I'm better, she can't believe it's been so long ago. I agree. It seems like yesterday that walking up early in the morning to compete with other cars in the comute to Boston just to recieve chemo was part of my everyday life. At the same time, it feels like forever ago that I had no hair, that I forgot what school was and that I was sick everyday for a year. I can't really explain what I'm feeling. A rush of emotions, disbelief, happiness, relief, and anxiety at the ever looming possibility of a relapse. I am more concerned today with midterms, history tests, weekend plans and teaching relief society! Recently, there has been more concern with my body freaking out, but it's still distant. Today is about being alive.
I reflect back on how thankful I am to be sitting here, to be writing this post. Four years ago, I never thought I would be here, I never thought this day would come. But I hoped. And sometimes, that is all we need to get through the hard days.
Some of you may know the story behind my make-a-wish, and many of you don't. My original wish was for an open holed flute, about a 2500 dollar instrument. Because of complications that came with the Make-a-wish foundation, I changed it and instead, my family and best friend got to go on a week long cruise during our April vacation my junior year.
Unknown to me at the time, My Auntie M sent out a letter to many of my friends and family asking to donate to a fund so that I could recieve my flute. My high school band covered the rest of the funds, and four years ago, my Auntie M and Mr. Adams(my band teacher) presented me with the most beautiful flute I could ever ask for. How fitting is it that I will have the opportunity to play it at Stake conference this coming weekend. I am reminded about how many people love and care about me, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
and I am speechless.
I was talking to Juli yesterday and she said something along the lines of that when I was sick, she didn't believe that I had cancer and now that I'm better, she can't believe it's been so long ago. I agree. It seems like yesterday that walking up early in the morning to compete with other cars in the comute to Boston just to recieve chemo was part of my everyday life. At the same time, it feels like forever ago that I had no hair, that I forgot what school was and that I was sick everyday for a year. I can't really explain what I'm feeling. A rush of emotions, disbelief, happiness, relief, and anxiety at the ever looming possibility of a relapse. I am more concerned today with midterms, history tests, weekend plans and teaching relief society! Recently, there has been more concern with my body freaking out, but it's still distant. Today is about being alive.
I reflect back on how thankful I am to be sitting here, to be writing this post. Four years ago, I never thought I would be here, I never thought this day would come. But I hoped. And sometimes, that is all we need to get through the hard days.
Some of you may know the story behind my make-a-wish, and many of you don't. My original wish was for an open holed flute, about a 2500 dollar instrument. Because of complications that came with the Make-a-wish foundation, I changed it and instead, my family and best friend got to go on a week long cruise during our April vacation my junior year.
Unknown to me at the time, My Auntie M sent out a letter to many of my friends and family asking to donate to a fund so that I could recieve my flute. My high school band covered the rest of the funds, and four years ago, my Auntie M and Mr. Adams(my band teacher) presented me with the most beautiful flute I could ever ask for. How fitting is it that I will have the opportunity to play it at Stake conference this coming weekend. I am reminded about how many people love and care about me, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
I wrote this the last morning of my stay at the hospital, four years ago:
This morning I wake up once again to the never-ending droning of the IV pump, alarming me that the state of the fluids it is pumping into me is near empty and that I should page my nurse so that she can hang my next Liter of Liquid.. Like any other day in the hospital, I hit the nurse call button and quiet the alarm on my iv, my constant companion this last year. There is only one thing different about today. It’s the last time I’ll have to be woken by my pole. Today is my last day on 6N.
Yes, I am on 6N. Like last week, they had five beds open up over the weekend, and they graciously arranged it for me to move down to my home away from home for my last night. I even got to pick my own room. There is no other place I would rather be, finishing up my journey, than here, with the people it all started with. Even Susanne is on.
Yesterday was an emotional day. Molly, from the resource room planned a surprise end of chemo party for me, and all of my nurses signed a beautiful card, wishing me luck and to visit often. It’s hard for me to say goodbye to this place, even though I am so excited and relieved to be done with treatment But this has been my home for the past year, and these people have been the biggest parts of my life for the most of it as well. It’s hard to accept that I won't see my Susanne, Molly, Summer, Sarah, Elizabeth, Stacie, Katie, and Vicky, Theresa every month now. This has become my life, my normal, and its going to be weird to go back to...what normal was. What is normal anyways? I forget. This is my normal. Here, in this hospital. How do I go back to the way things were?
But I think I know the answer. I don’t. Life will never be the same for me or my family ever again. It will be better. We all have better, new perspectives on life, and understand the importance of living life to the fullest. There will be a whole new normal. Not the normal before cancer. And the normal during cancer. The normal after cancer. The normal where life is always beautiful.
Please continue to live each day to its fullest. Never take anything for granted, no how small and insignificant it may seem. Enjoy the simplest things that this world has to offer. Watch the trees turn colors. Smile when you wake up to the first snowfall of the year. Drive past your house when your favorite song comes on the radio and sing out loud to it. Smile when you wash the dishes. Hug someone you love. When the elevator breaks down, be thankful you have legs and can take the stairs. Eat dinner with your family tonight. read a book with your brother or sister or with your parents or child. Continue to love endlessly, unconditionally.
So today, four years later, I sit in my room in Idaho and I remember every moment and every trial I faced to get here and see all of the beautiful blessings and people in my life who helped me achieve the impossible.
my life is a miracle. my life is beautiful.
I am in Idaho, surrounded by people who I love and who love me.
Last night, I felt myself breathing in time with my favorite person and I felt myself being alive.
what a beautiful feeling; what a beautiful moment.
I am in Idaho, surrounded by people who I love and who love me.
Last night, I felt myself breathing in time with my favorite person and I felt myself being alive.
what a beautiful feeling; what a beautiful moment.
i am so grateful.
i am alive.
i am alive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)