this weekend.

yeah. i haven't written in forever.

i'm waiting to see what happens tonight.

depending on a certain promise will depend on what i have to say.

my weekend included the following:

guitars unplugged. vicki time. cleaning the room. studying all day. group meetings. history test (aced). Kaleb "Daddy and I are animals and animals pick their noses". Migrane. 13 hours of sleep to counter migrane. how the heck do you spell migrane? oh. migraine. oopps. church. reading a book for fun. three different dinners. Drugged up Kyle. Heart to hearts. laughing like my mom. talking to my mom. plans almost solid for spring semester. flight booked home for Juli's big day. Home made brownies. Photo shoot. lion hair. exploring more back roads in the Cazz machine. hoping that promises will be followed through with. waiting.

hoping.

don't let me down.

So much needs to change.

There is so much that needs to change about me right now.

I can see it, I can feel it and I know it.

I'm slipping down a really steep slope and if I don't stop myself from going any further, there won't be any possible way of climbing back up.

So Chelsiebelle. You know what you gotta do.

Starting tomorrow, it's a brand new day.

do not worry about what others are doing, do not worry about the things that you can't control, because you can't control them. Don't let things get you down. Change will come and change will happen and it's all a part of life. I know that, and I've known it for a very long time. I can overcome anything if I set my mind to it.

Chelsie, you need to stop standing still.

Pick up your feet and move forward.

There are things you CAN control, so control them.

Wake up tomorrow and take care of yourself

Get through your day with your eyes forward and your mind focused.

there are people pulling for you always, so you gotta pull for them.

keep breathing. keep swimming.

you can do it.

don't let me down.

ever have those moments when you think everything is going to be okay?

ever have those moments when you realize that they aren't?

i haven't been in this much physical pain in two years.

i'm scared.

my life is a stick shift

A stick shift transmission has a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes things go smoothly and sometimes the ride is rough. Sometimes it's fun and sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes you just have to ride it out and find the groove. Sometimes you have so much on your mind about all of the things you have to do and all of the coordination that you need to figure out that you can't figure out where to start. Sometimes you get tired. Sometimes you stall out. Sometimes you stall out multiple times. Sometimes you stall out multiple times at a traffic light and every one else is waiting for you to go and you just can't get the right balance between the gas and the clutch. Sometimes you forget what gear you are in and you can't figure out how to slow down. Sometimes you draw a complete blank about what the heck you are doing and you just want to get out of that stupid drivers seat.

But the thing about stick is that you can overcome the rough rides. You can find the groove of the gears. You can figure out that silly balance between the clutch and the gas. You can overcome those obstacles.

yeah. i just started learning how to drive a stick.

but that wasn't the real lesson I learned tonight.

I'm filled with hope.

Meet Mike

it started with a cup.

a regular-sized, plastic, blue kitchen cup.

and some nerf guns too.

a cup and a nerf gun.

that is how it all started.

It's known as the infamous cup war, all because I somehow ended up with that silly blue cup in my kitchen with the name "ivey" scrawled untidily on the bottom. That eventually lead to a ransom photo of my nerf gun placed against the cup while it was sitting on my living room floor.

and then it was war.

Misao and I didn't know when the attack was going to happen exactly, but we knew it was coming. We sat waiting with our nerf guns and water guns and balloons and waited in our separate apartments, our eyes constantly darting to the courtyard, on the look out for the assault that was about to descend upon the Perkins complex any moment. We were prepared.

but we were not prepared for triple agent Trish.

20 minutes later and a full out raging battle was going on in on the grass lawn between apartments 108 and 109. ten minutes later and I had my hands pinned behind me, a nerf gun in the small of my back and Mike's voice in my ear demanding the return of his cup or else.

one jammed finger, a coldstone run and a night at porter park and that was it.

that was the start.

six months later and I found myself curled up on the couch of Mike's basement in Nevada City California while a seemingly endless amount of tears poured down my face. The last of the California sunbeams were fading over the treetops of the pines in the backyard of the Ivey house and I remember tucking my feet underneath me with some difficulty as concerned blue eyes watched me quietly as my emotions filled to the very brim and overflowed.

My heart was breaking and he was watching the first cracks begin to appear.

Cautiously and calmly, he began to speak and with a few soothing words, he calmed my troubled heart and gave me hope and peace. His words have been etched into my soul since then.

"There is a plan, Chelsie. God knows what he is doing, trust him, and things will work out. I know this is hard. I know that this isn't what you came to California for. I know that you were not expecting to be sitting in my basement being upset right now. I know this wasn't your plan. But it was God's. And he knows what he is doing."

and with a reassuring hug (mike gives the best hugs) and a few minutes of understanding silence from a friend who knew the importance of just being there, I knew that he was right.

the following months brought continuous heartbreak for both of us, but at the end of the day, Mike was always around to keep me smiling, to keep me going, to encourage me when I was ready to give up and to remind me that there was a plan. He taught me every day that faith in that plan was essential to surviving tough stuff. He showed me that it was okay to experience emotions and it was okay to feel sad about things, but that it was necessary to keep the faith. Mike taught me how to let go of hurts, he taught me how to forgive and he taught me patience. He showed me that anything can be overcome as long as faith is kept and prayers are said.

Mike taught me the importance of keeping the little kid inside of me alive, no matter what was happening in my life or what things are dragging me down. But most importantly, Mike taught me what it was like to keep moving forward, even when everything seemed to be set against me.

Mike is currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints right now in Guatemala and is gone for two years, and although I miss his laugh and his hugs and his pep talks, I know that he's where he needs to be. He's following his plan. And he still finds ways to keep my spirits lifted and me motivated when I feel like I can't go any further.

Mike is a friend.

Mike is family.

i have an awful lot on my mind these days..

...and it's about time i let it out the way I used to do it. I don't expect you all to read what is to follow; but if you should for some reason decide to read it, please bare with me. There is just a lot going on.

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and you just know that your going to be in a bad mood, even though there is absolutely no reason for it? absolutely NO reason for it, and you know that and you are in a bad mood anyways and there being no reason for it makes you even angrier? Yeah. That is what happened this morning. I think the best way to describe it is that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Come to think of it, I went to bed on the wrong side too.

I just had an amazing weekend in Oregon. I saw my roommate, I went for a boat ride, I stood on Washington soil for the first time and I stood on the edge of the Pacific Ocean and I breathed. I put my feet in that water and I looked out to the horizon and I breathed. It is such an amazing feeling to stand on the edge of something so big and realize how small you are but how you count somewhere anyway.

But this weekend was also hard for me. I had the one year anniversary haunting of a friend's tragic and sudden death in the back of my mind, confusion about relationships and where I stand with people and some comments dragging me down even though they shouldn't have. I've been battling with my loyalty to different people and how that seems to conflict. I've been trying to figure out where the line is with how close I can allow myself to be with people who, because of new relationships in their lives, changes the relationship I have with them.

12 hour car ride, 2 puppies and five very grumpy people later, and tuesday was not a good day for me. not enough sleep, no clean laundry, feelings building up about weekend hurts, roommate drama, last minute homework, taking out frustrations and hurts on someone who I care about and who deserved much kinder treatment, finding out exciting news and then making an honest mistake that probably caused some tension in a relationship that I have constantly relied on, and ending my night with familiar faces but not the ones I have been used to this semester. So yeah. I went to bed on the wrong side last night.

And I woke up thinking: today is not going to be my best day. It was 6:30 and I had a paper to finish writing that I didn't have the motivation for. My room is a mess. School is overwhelming. All of the changes that are coming at me have hit me hard all at once and I really feel like I can't breathe. I just wanted to talk to my daddy because he is always so good at giving me tough love, but he wouldn't answer his phone all day. My phone was oddly silent this morning, typical texts were absent. The more I putted around my apartment, the more bitter I got. I kept on thinking about so many things and I couldn't calm down.

First of all. I am sucking at school. excusing me for using that word; but it's a true story. What the heck happened to the Chelsie who was so focused last semester? The girl who was all A's and B's and on top of every assignment and didn't miss a single class? What happened to her? I am so angry at myself for letting myself slack off, for losing all of that motivation and drive that kept me going last semester. I don't know where it went, and I hate that I can't find it.

I'm failing at my resolutions this year. Every one. I haven't tried to work on one single one for the last month and a half. That is so unlike me. ugh.

I'm stressed about money. I completely lost track of the date and my credit card bill was due yesterday. shoot. and now, I need to figure out how to pay to get my butt home to Boston for May 15th, get my butt to Seaside Oregon (clear across the country) for May 21st (a week later) and pay for all of the things that come along with being a bridesmaid and a best friend to another bride. (dress, presents, shower gifts) And I gotta keep Cazz in good shape. Oh, and I need to figure out what the heck I am doing for the summer, if I am going to go to school and work at the alumni office or try to do EFY or get something completely different. Ugh. I am not a fan.

I think I'm mostly scared though. I am scared of the changes that are coming at me. I've been hit with a whole bunch of new things that I can't really wrap my mind around. I'm in shock, I'm excited, I'm happy but I'm really just scared out of my mind. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm worried about how all these changes are going to affect me. My relationships with people are going to change and it is scary; more specifically because two of the most important people who I rely on the most are moving on with their lives. I know that I will still be important and in the picture, but things will change. I don't know what to do with that. I want the best for my friends and I guess when it comes down to that; I'm okay with these changes. I want my friends to be happy and I know that they are. I can see it when he smiles and I can hear it when she laughs and I can feel it when they are around those people who make them really and truly happy. and really, when it comes down to it, I am willing to let go of those people if they are happy. I have always been the kind of person who puts others' happiness before her own, especially her friends.

I don't really know what to do with these changes, I guess. I'm afraid to be left behind again. I'm afraid to watch everyone else's lives move along and feel like I am in a standstill. I think that is one of my biggest fears that I've never really realized before until now. I don't ever want to relive that time in my life again; the time when I disappeared for a while and when I came back, I had no clue where I fit in anymore because everyone else continued to move forward while I was stuck in the walls of a hospital room. The thought of being left behind again is actually the scariest thing I can think of right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to hinder my friends growth or learning experiences. I would never envy of them or deny them of the ability to move on with their lives. I'm just scared of being left behind.

I have a friend who is alway saying that he can only help so much because of my trust issues. He always makes it clear that he isn't blaming me for my trust issues; I was treated like crap by a lot of people and it has made it pretty much impossible for me to trust anyone. ever. But as I look back on those moments that I have done a pretty good job of blocking out, I realize that he's right. I was treated pretty poorly by some people and it's still affecting me in ways that I can barely comprehend.

I'm scared about the habits that I have been tempted to slip back into; habits that I once kicked for good, but are now whispering in the back of my mind and tempting me to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I can't go back there. I can't.

I'm scared about my body too. Holy large amounts of bruising that has never been a big problem before. I know that the hottub this weekend could have attributed to it, but I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's scaring me. And the pain in my left hip has me taking Aleeve on a 24/7 basis, which is not good for my already tired kidneys.

and mary. my sweet little Mary girl who is about to start another trial...a Dox. Trial. (aka the red devil). It isn't going to be easy.

And all of this is adding up, adding up, adding up, and my room is messy and my homework isn't done and I'm so tired and I am on the edge of a slight implosion and I feel like a hermit crab but I don't feel right about my usual solution to hermit crab days. I feel like I can't take up people's time anymore, that I need to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again because relationships change and I need to learn that I can't rely on them all of the time. I need to focus. I need to be better. I need to improve. I need to hope. I need to find the strength and move on. I need to keep my feelings to myself and be there for others and love unconditionally. I need to be careful about the emotional deposits that I am making, because I am already watching some of them walk away, even if it is unintentional. I am justa Chelsiebelle and while I know I am loved, I know that it is all I am: Just Chelsiebelle. and though I sometimes I love who I am, today is not one of my best days and I am not a fan of that.

But i recognize that I am human. This is me being human. I have a right to feel and I'm not going to apologize for that. I have a right to be human. I need to remember that.

but most of all. I need to remember what it felt like to be standing on the edge of that ocean.

Breathe, Chelsabelle.

your life is beautiful, no matter what happens.

meet juli part2

Julianna (to me) is: sunday afternoon naps and cold chinese food. NIGHT SWIMMING and fat man scoop. "Chelsie is that you sounding like a dog? You don't have a dog." Grey's Anatomy nights and Office. I'm going to smuffle you. Crack Snap went the little green canoe one day. blankets and whimpering. Awkward conversations at 2 in the AM that my father would walk in on. Level 50 text messages. Clothes-pin opera. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE CHOSE RAUL! Have some composture, where is your posure? Mr. Micdougals and Dr. Nigougals. Squeaky eye, popping hip and Juli the half mermaid. Water ballets and trash bag outfits for tie-dye. Kermit the frog and Brittany Spears imitations.

Juli is scarves and classic books. Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Jeep during the summer time. Cookie Dough and pies. A drawer in my dresser. Welcome to Chelsie's Closet, please come again.

Juli is a best friend.

Juli is a sister.