oh right, resolutions

it's 53 minutes into the new year, and i need to list out my resolutions/goals to work on for the next 12 months. I've been thinking about things I've wanted to improve on over the last few days and I have quite a list. Most of these goals are a lot more...i want to say physical, but i don't think that is quite the word i am looking for. 2009 goals had a lot more to do with improving myself emotionally/as a person. Most of 2010 goals have to do with my daily life and things I want to achieve in a more tangible way...

ANYWAY! here we go:

1. Eat healthier/lose some weight/work out:

I need to do all of this to A: make my knee last longer B: try to help with hip problems and C: feel better about myself. I plan on trying to go swimming once a week and getting back into my 50 crunches before bed routine. Also. MORE VEGGIES/FRUITS THIS SEMESTER

2. Follow my budget/be financially stable:

I even made a spreadsheet yesterday outlining my income and where everything needed to

go. Now I just need to STICK TO IT and stay organized.

3. Read a lot more. 2-3 books a month that are not required for school

Reading Dear John now. in the following weeks I have lined up: Wicked, The Picture of

Dorian Grey and Brave New World.

4. Buy a Digital SLR.

My budget includes setting aside money every month for the chelsie camera fund. It may take me a long while, but i decided that it will be worth it.

5. Three A's in the winter semester, and bring my GPA up to a 3.5 by the end of the year

6. Start every morning with a prayer.

I have been really good at saying my night prayers, but morning is never a go for me

7. Work on trust issues.

Try to not clam shut with new people, but know where the line is about giving out too much information

8. Go some place I haven't been before

9. Be genuine.

For some reason, I have really wanted to work on coming across as a genuine person. I think that is because my favorite kind of people are genuine ones, but also because I want people to love me for me instead of some alteration of me that I might revert to in order to gain acceptance. This goes hand in hand with trust issues though.

10. Write letters/emails frequently to my missionaries, especially Mike and Brett.

I do not want to get caught up in my own life and let them slip away. I miss them so much.

11. Floss.

My dentist said that i need to work on this.

12. Take care of myself better, physically and emotionally. Know when to say when.

13. Learn to accept my flaws and understand that people who can't don't matter.

this is on going.

Okay. there they are. goals and resolutions for the new year.

ready.

set.

go.

bring it on.

2009 in review

January:

February:

March:

April:

May:

June:

July:

August:

September:

October:

November:

December:

Words can not describe how much I have learned this year, mostly about myself. I am so thankful for that, and for the person I am becoming.

I don't know what 2010 holds for me, but I am excited to see where it will take me.

happy new years!

cure

She's seven and she's been fighting since she was three. She loves Bon Jovi and my little pony and Hannah Montana. and her options are running out. She's seven.

Mary has been one of my favorite little girls and one of my inspirations to keep pushing forward. I met her at the beginning of her fight and while I have found my cure (hopefully), hers hasn't been found yet. Her options are running out. Her mom posted the following on her carepage the other day:

Mary: mom, when I die, will you put all of my American Girls and their stuff at my grave? And whitey (her blankie) too? I will miss whitey.

Me: Well I think that you can have this conversation with your own kids b/c I plan to head to heaven long before you?

Mary: Ok. (pause) But what if they can't fix my cancer and I die? Pinky swear ok?

Something I struggle with constantly is watching my friends who are younger then me not have a cure. It makes me feel almost guilty for being alive and healthy and living my life while my beautiful friends are still fighting; or who have already lost the fight. They have so much to live for, and so much to give and I know that whatever happens is part of the plan, and that I need to have faith and trust that things will be okay, but still.

If I have to watch another one lose the fight...

a content moment

there is almost nothing more beautiful or peaceful to me then to sit in my favorite chair with a favorite book and a purring kitty in my lap, in front of the smoldering fire in the wood stove of my quite living room while the chilly winter wind howls outside, here in the heart of New Hampshire.

There are moments in my life when the only word to describe how I am feeling is the word "content". These moments are so rare and far and few in between; so precious to me.

This moment, right now, is one of them.

and I am reminded that no matter what happens, life continues to be beautiful.

success of today:

bought a new coat.

cut my sisters hair.

watched my new movie

talked to Symone for the first time since break.

made plans to see 9 people in the next four days.

still finding peace...in the most unlikely places.

I believe in miracles.

Resolutions of 2009

Well, it's almost time to start compiling my list of goals/resolutions for the new year, but before I do that, I think I need to check in one last time with all of my goals and resolutions from this past year.

My goals for the semester:

-Get two-three A's in my final grades I GOT TWO A's! AND THE REST B's!

-Pass math! Do not miss any more homework and take more time to read chapters and understand the material PASSED MATH WITH A B-!

-Do not miss any more assignments in science or education Done!

-Re-read history chapters and take notes from the book. well, i didn't take notes from the book. but i highlighted a lot more and applied myself a lot more to reading and memorizing.

-Make time for the library. Two to three times a week! not so much. I did go to the library more frequently this semester then any previous semesters, but I wasn't good at keeping it at a regular schedule.

-Schedule out my day and follow through with it Back to those post-it's that outlined my days perfectly at the end of the semester. If only I did that sooner in the semester.

Assessment: I consider this pretty good. I got the grades I wanted and I applied myself and worked hard this semester

Goals for working on myself: (from this summer)

1. Work on being Selfless, especially when it comes to my family-I know i've been better at this, but there is always room for improvement

2. Attitude. Always try to be positive. Every unhappy situation that comes around, try to find the silver lining. i have an FHE brother who has kept me in check with this one for the last few weeks. I think I'm finally getting there.

3. Being Active. Stop laying around and sleeping because I feel like I'm going nowhere. I am going somewhere. Between school/work/The Locus/winter adventures I feel like i'm doing well in this department.

4. Don't believe in limitations. Accept that I need to make adjustments, but do not look at them as limitations. I am not limited. I consider this a huge check off in the last few months. see my post about limitations here:

And here are the goals/plans I want to accomplish this summer:

1. Work as hard as possible and save as much as possible so that I can be as financially secure as possible when I am back out West. Check. I did well in this..

2. Take Hamilton out to school. Check? Hamilton was a go until he had a meltdown. But I have Cazz at school not..

3. Eat healthier and work out. Lost some weight. No check. I fail at eating healthier.

4. Play my flute more often so I am ready for flute chior in the fall. Check. Flute choir has been my saving grace this semester and I have improved my playing/breathing technique times a million.

5. Read. half check. I've read, but not as much as i wanted to.

Let's check in with my New Years Resolutions:

1. When I need help, ask for it or accept it. This always needs improvement, but I'm getting better at asking for help.

2. Don't spend my money on things I do not need.I am either really good at this or really bad at this. Part Check,

3. Get off of academic probation. CHECK

4. Call my sisters more often. Check! i talk to my sisters at least once a week

5. Go to California. CHECK X2,

6. Make my parents proud. CHECK! i got off probation, worked during the summer, brought my grades up this semester, and am working a job.

7. Learn to do what is best for me, even if it isn't what I want. ugh. not fully here yet. but getting here. the letter being sent to BP is a huge testament to that.

8. Keep in touch with my friends back East more. still part check

9. See the beauty in everything. Check. i would have to be blind to not appreciate Sunsets in Idaho

10. Sleep more. CHECK!

11. Tell the people who I love that I love them more. I end every phone conversation with I LOVE YOU BYEEEE! CHECK!

12. Don't let distance come between the people who matter the most. I am going to say CHECK to this because I am still close with the people who are far away, particularly the ones who are now serving missions.

13. Let people care about me. I have gotten a lot better at this in the winter, digressed a lot in the summer and beginning of fall, but I am finally getting back to the point where I can let people in and let them care. CHECK!

14. Learn to accept my flaws and imperfections and understand that the people who can't accept them do not matter. this is on going struggle for me. I am beginning to love who I am, but that doesn't mean i can easily accept that some people might not like that person.

All in all, i think that i did pretty well this year. This was the first year that i periodically checked back in with myself and stuck to my guns. (Thank you Alexandra, for you example) I am proud of how far I have come. I think that as i get ready to set new goals/resolutions for the coming year, I would like to give myself a few more "tangiable" ones, so that way I can measure my progress a bit more easily.

but still. this was good. this has been good for me.

keep going, chelsabelle.

A Christmas Miracle

I think I have finally found peace.

I wrote this a while ago, and I found it today. I read it, changed it a little and now I feel like I can post it with my entire being behind it. I honestly and truly believe in what I have written.

I have found peace, after struggling and searching and praying for so long.

and that is my Christmas Miracle.

I wish I could learn to love myself the way that people think I do. Every time I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere, finally understanding myself, something happens that puts me back three or four steps and I’m nowhere. Progress always involves backtracking, but I’ve backtracked so much that I feel like I’m permanently going backwards.

I feel useless a lot of the time, but no one will ever know that. They all think that I am strong, compassionate, talented, a master of musical emotions. I have been through a lot and I try to love unconditionally. I can play some instruments and I understand chord progressions, but someone is always going to be better then I am. They see my hours of practicing and my blistered fingers and my arms splattered with ink from composing and they think: she is so amazing, so gifted, so talented. She has a gift. But the truth is; I’m just hardworking. I put my head down and I just move along. I don’t feel like I have my own rhythm. I spend hours creating them, but it turns out that they always belong to someone else.

My friends are so solid in their selves. I look at them and I wonder how they do it, and if they ever felt as undefined as I do now. Even my youngest friend, who is still growing and molding into her future self, seems to know exactly what kind of person she is going to be. And I wonder if I knew what kind of person I was going to be when I was her age, and that maybe it is just harder to be grown up then it is to grow up.

They look at me and think that music is my calling in life; that it was chosen for me before I born. They can’t see me without my music. Without the black notes clinging to my name like a caboose to the train, I am irrelevant. And maybe it is that fear that makes cling to music. Being irrelevant scares me more then being a shell.

But, I think I cling to music because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. They say that math is the universal language. But I think they got it wrong…whoever “they” is. Music speaks the same notes, the same sounds, the same emotions, no matter where you are or whatever language you speak. And you don’t need to go to school to understand what music is saying to you.

Math has never been one of my strong points.

I wasn’t expecting to meet him that night. I just tagged along with my friends. The only thing I really take notice of is how Kendra is wearing skinny jeans in an eggplant shade and how Erin’s scarf encompassed every shade of brown and green and was draped perfectly around her neck. And I wondered when I would be able to wear clothes that scream out who I am. But until then, I am still a blank canvas, like the white v-neck shirt draped over my body.

He’s like a breath of fresh air and I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen until I’m around him. His eyes are pools of mossy copper and his hair is always messy and when he laughs, it sounds almost like the summer breeze: childish and carefree. He likes plastic swords and nerf guns and he wears an orange beanie around as if he was about to go hunting any second. He reads older authors and believes in epic adventures, traveling and star gazing. I think he is the most genuine person I have ever met.

He asks me questions that I’ve never been asked before and I have to think a long time before I can answer them. Sometimes, he will tell me stories about when he was little and even though he doesn’t give me a moral, I always learn something from them anyways. Sometimes we don’t talk at all. We just sit on the steps outside his apartment and watch the world pass by and when it gets too cold or too dark, we get up and go inside and when I go home, I feel like I just had the best conversation in the world.

At the end of the year, I go home to New England and he goes back to California. I shed a few tears when I hug him goodbye, and he tells me that I’m the best friend he’s ever had and that I better call him soon. I tell him that I love him, because I do. And then I walk out of the door and drive away and I don’t understand why my eyes are getting wet, because he is just BP and we are the best of friends and that won’t go away because we’re going to be apart for a while.

My days are long and I feel like I am always on the go and that there is never any down time. The smallest things remind me of him and at the end of every day, I call him and tell him about the things I have seen or the people I have met or the music that I have made. And he asks me questions and takes an interest in what I have to say and tells me to keep going when I feel too tired. And I feel like I am finally waking up to the world when I hang up the phone to go to sleep.

My days become measured by the last time we talked and the next time that I will hear his voice. I try to take in every detail of what happens in between the hours of our phone calls so that I can answer his questions. He wants me to share my world with him and I find that I do have a world and that I want to share it with him. His laugh is almost like the summer breeze: childish and carefree, and I am in love with him and I didn’t even realize that I was.

He is going across the continent and I won’t see him for a couple of years. Things have been hard and he’s been distant and he only asks questions and doesn’t answer mine. I hear he’s been spending a lot of time with a previous love and I’m not jealous. I just hurt. I knew that he could only love me for so long before something got in the way, but I didn’t expect him to stop being my friend.

I guess people change though, and I go back to my music because music stays the same and I understand it. And it rains outside and I think that weather really isn’t a language but it still speaks volumes. And I wear my white v-neck t-shirt, but I don’t feel blank anymore. I pour my emotions into the piano and words flow from my blood through my fingertips onto paper, and I realize that I am my own person, because these are my feelings and no one else’s. He isn’t around to hear about my day or ask me questions that make me think and I fall asleep without his voice now every night. He’s with someone else and he isn’t mine and I realize that maybe he was never mine in the first place. And I love him and I know he still loves me in some way, but I think that some kinds of love are meant to be unspoken. Sometimes I think about the days when we would sit on the steps and I never felt so alive or myself or defined and I get sad because I miss talking to him, but for some reason, it makes sense to me.

I’m so busy and I am always on the go and there is just so much to do. I am almost always okay with his silence now, and my days are getting easier and although there is this void where he was, I can still function and my music is still being written. I’m still wearing my white t-shirts and I look at the stars once in a while and I wear an orange hat because it makes me happy. And my friend saw me wearing it and smiled and told me that only I would be able to pull them off.

I’m making new friends and I am finally starting to trust new people again. I’ve set goals and I’m actually achieving them. I’m being honest with myself and I’m asking myself my own questions now and I’m becoming inspired and I am beginning to understand myself and I think I might actually love who I am.

I am my own symphony.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

all A's and B's on my report card.

I CAN DO THIS!

I have never been so proud of myself.

I am smart, I am hardworking and I definitely made my parents proud.

Keep going, Chelsie Belle.

like autumns turns leaves, winter will breathe,

the cold on our necks, snow in our heads...

one day it will be better and everything will be ok