back to rexburg tomorrow.

i've come to realize three things over this last week:

1. I love Oregon. I love New England more, but nonetheless, I love Oregon. It's beautiful here.
2. I need to stand up for my body more. I'm getting there, but I can always improve.
3. I'm so lucky to have warm arms waiting for me to jump into when I get back to Rexburg tomorrow. and I've never wanted the last three weeks of school to go by slow, but right now, I want them to last as long as possible, because time is running out.

i am thankful for:

New England, Autumn, Sunset Lake

 my home

My Hyundai Sonata and New Hampshire License Plates

my Cazz Machine

a constant reminder of how beautiful my life is

my best friend, my sister, my water ballet parter

my Julianna

my roommate, my buddy, my twin

my Misao

my roommates, my sisters, my family

Symone, Anne, Jillise, Erin & Monika

these two girls who have stuck it out with me since our first semester:

my Jillisey and Misao

my encouragement to keep fighting

my fellow survivors

kettle corn, summer time, days spent with friends

my blue bow

my musically gifted and photographic inspiration

my drive to continue to learn about God

my Zandra

my brother

constant laughter and giggles, through thick and thin

my beautiful sisters

summer drives, wind in my hair, dunkin donuts strawberry coolatas, good music

feeling infinite.

my kitty.

my siblings.

my beach. my ocean.

my reminder at how small i am but how i count for something anyway

boston.

my city.

my doctor, my friend

my life saver.

sunsets, my favorite chair,

my moments to drink it all in and breathe.

traveling, matching headbands

my friends.

my very best friend, my constant support, my other half

the love of my life.

i'm so grateful.

i am so blessed.

happy thanksgiving.

watch me grow

Thanksgiving 2008:

 Thanksgiving 2009:

Thanksgiving 2010:

helplessness has got to be the worst feeling. ever.

progress

Homework List for Thanksgiving Week:

-read "the hurried child"

-Outline and notes on "the hurried child."

-Read "why gender matters"

-Outline and grid "why gender matters"

-Read "boys adrift."

-Outline "Boys Adrift."

-Read outliers

-Teach outliers

-Write paper on Survival in Auschwitz

-Creature for the Hobbit

iLike

i like puppies and cute hat things that keep my ears warm,

ending every day with a comforting voice full of warmth and love.

I like long phone calls with my mom 

and being productive with my homework

I like reading interesting books

and watching the sun rise over the city as we drive up the mountains in Oregon.

I like Christmas music and day dreaming

and classic peanut and butter sammaches.

I like everything in my life right now.

and i love you.

I wanna be your last first kiss.

just yours.

This bow, like my heart, belongs just to you.

<3

name them one by one

In the sprit of the holiday and i the need for me to have my own reality check, as I took the long way home from the parking lot of Alpine to the front door of The Pines. My mood considerably changed while I listed off some of the simplest things that make me happy. When it comes down to it, there is no way to deny how beautiful and blessed my life is.

I am thankful for Cazz, and for the fact that he heats up really fast in the winter cold and for roommates who let me vent when I need to and who offer good advice and for home teachers who actually come to home teach and who give me blessings of comfort.
I am thankful for letters from friends in the mission field who somehow say exactly what I need them to say, and make me laugh and realize that I am never alone.
I am thankful for tie-dye slippers and for two legs and two feet to wear my slippers on.
I am thankful for tissues to blow my stuffy nose.
I am thankful for traveling and for bosses who give me work off so I can travel.
I am thankful for music and for ipod adapters to play my music through.
I am thankful for TGIF gift cards and people who share them with me and for photo booths in the mall and for my blue bow that gave me a beautiful friendship..
I am thankful for clean laundry.
I am thankful for knots in my hair to brush out and for fingers to do dishes with, to hold hands with, to cut hair with.
I am grateful for my trials, and for the things i learn from them and the person i've grown into because of them. I've had the opportunity to really evaluate my life over the last few days and see how certain trials had a huge part in putting me here, with certain people and in a certain place and I am so grateful.

and with that knowledge, I have to remember that someone knows what he is doing and I just have to trust him.

my life is beautiful.

oregon or bust.

FACT. my heart will always belong to New England.

but there is something so beautiful and magical about Oregon that enchants me every time I am there.

The mountains, the gorge, the river, the green! 

It's breathtaking.

and I'm so lucky and blessed to have such kind and generous friends who are taking me back again to this beautiful state for the third time this year! 

and for the opportunity I'll have to stand on that coast and to look out on the ocean and realize how big everything is and how small i am compared to it...

and how i still count for something anyway.

change is a comin'

in the process of redesign,
sorry for the sloppy layout!
=]

home is a person,

not a place.

this will brighten your day.

the only love worthy of a name is unconditional

wake up with a start. the rain beats on the window and the wind rattles the blinds through the crack in the glass. it's still dark as my eyes adjust to the lack of light. hours have passed by, but not quite enough and my soul is restless. I wiggle into my blankets, trying to capture the warmth of my body in between the sheets. I can hear the cold and I reach out to find the last of the lingering summer warmth is now just a memory; a mere moment in the grand scheme of time.
and i realize with a sudden, sharp in-take of breath that stabs my lungs like a cold icicle...
it's passing by too quickly now. the days are long and perfect, and every moment is appreciated and lived for, but the weeks are too short. and i can taste the coming change on the fresh and raw winter wind that rumbles around the building. contentment has been hard to obtain and now a constant pulse of over thinking and getting ahead is dragging the simplicity of serene existence into a whirlwind of complicated and entangled moments, all wrapped into one idea that I can't seem to escape.

unconditional love. true, real unconditional love.
it's a consuming idea. it's more powerful then anything; stronger than the slicing wind that warps my body as i slop through the slush; letting winter seep through my shoes. The only thought in the front of my mind is to make things better, to figure out a way to improve the situation. it devoured my insides so harshly that it frightened me. I've never wanted or yearned for something more than to simply be next to him; to put my hand on his face and say: "what can i do to make this better?"

and now, as we sit with our fingers on our keyboards and a beautiful evening spent together, learning and exploring and growing and progressing, I can't help but realize how deep I'm in this and how scared I am to lose this comfort and security. I've never felt as complete as I do right now, sitting next to his warmth and feeling his breath become even with mine. All's I can think of is how I live for the moments when a funny memory hits him and he wiggles with excitement as he sets down his things so he can share with me. He tilts his head back and laughs as he replays it in his head before he can even get a word out and I think how I want him to be laughing forever. His happiness has become one of the most important things to me; and I realize, with a sudden surety that this is what unconditional means.

It is sacrifice. It is letting him go in two months and knowing that what he is going to be doing will bring him happiness. It is support. It is striving in every way, shape and form to stand by him, to let him know that he isn't alone. It isn't about me. It isn't about feeling incomplete or my fears about losing this security.  It's him. It's all about him. And by realizing how real everything is, how concrete his hand is in my own, I hold on to the hope that it will be okay.

after all groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.

a storm is coming.

the blinds shiver in the window.

I roll over in the warmth of my sheets as

the sharp bite of reality stings my skin.

wake up, it's morning

the sun's scream is muted through the clouds;

and every shade of grey is molted into husky blues.

you must face the coming storm.

hidden worries buried under a comfortable coat of happiness.

uneasiness burns the throat.

a lack of water-dryness.

leaving a parched residue lingering in every bone,

a dull throb in the soul,

offset with the beat of the heart.

it's a fairy tale ending and a wish come true.

all the right cards in hand, 

a poker face graces the face with exact poise.

it's a dream with sharp lines and a clear picture,

the edges comprehensible and simple.

a dash of the coming winter wind nips at my ears

an echo in the darkness, a whisper in the back of the neck.

wake up, it's morning.

you must face the coming storm.

they say

that with every goodbye you learn,
but with every hello, a whole new world, a new life, a new path begins.

and i like the new path my life is taking because you said hello.

blue bow day

hi my name is chelsie and i love you.

beware!

familia.

Love my roommates. Love the Klenotich Sisters. Love my home here in Rexburg.

Erin: I haven't hear back from my teacher yet.
Anne: Sister Tater head?
Erin: yep. her.
Anne: I hope you call her that to her face one day.

Erin: Listen to this email i wrote her: "i am also aware that there are deadlines that, once are past, you can no longer pass in the papers."
Anne:"which you might want to extend for me."
Erin: "which i..i....ahave? oh sh!t."
Anne: "dude, she's gonna be like, she didn't even proof read this email."
Erin:"I want more then anything to pass this class."
Anne: "suck up."

oh, there is love at home.