Clowns, Fire and Luggage

so last night, as I was being ridiculed for my fear of midget clowns, I got to thinking about all of my ridiculous little fears that I have. 

I am afraid of my christmas tree being left on during the night and igniting.

I am afraid of my luggage getting lost when I'm flying

I am afraid of mail that I send never getting to the person I want it to get to

I am afraid of missing an important phone call

I am afraid of sewers and grates in the ground

I am afraid of my door being unlocked when I'm driving

I am also afraid of my back door being unlocked when I'm sleeping.

I am afraid of driving in the dark alone

I am afraid of walking to my car by myself in busy parking lots

I am afraid of midget clowns

and I am okay with these fears. They make me who I am. I embrace them and even though I get made fun of some of them because they are kind of ridiculous, I'm okay with it.

That's all.

Five.

I read this somewhere and doing this for myself really helped me clear out my head and refocus on my values.

5 Random blurbs of my personal vague philosophy:

1. I believe that simplicity holds the most spectacular forms of beauty. I believe in never letting those simple moments pass me by.

2. I think that growing up is important, but that it is more important to never let completely go of the little kid within you.

3. I believe in telling someone who I love and care about, that I love and care about them frequently. I think that being told that you are loved never gets old. I never want someone who I care about to ever think that I don't. 

4. I find that every person who has come into my life plays an important roll, even if they are only in my life for a fleeting moment. I believe that every individual has played a part in the person I have become today, the people who I am friends with and the people who I can look at and know that I am home.

5. I believe that no matter what happens, life will always continue to be beautiful.

5 Questions circulating in my head right now:

1. How am I going to get through next semester without some of my family members?

2. Why do I still not feel beautiful, even though everyone tells me that I am?

3. Do I really deserve the friends that I have? Because I think they are far too good for me.

4. Can I really have the courage to start dreaming again?

5. I wonder if Ashley will trade her almond chocolate bar with my regular one?

5 lines that are currently stuck in my head:

1. "And while she wishes she was a dancer, and that she never heard of cancer; she wishes God will give her some answers, and make her feel beautiful."

2. "She is from New Hampshire, she says she's gonna see it all."

3. "I will never let you fall, I will stand up with you forever, I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to Heaven.:

4. "There's no one in town that I know, you gave us someplace to go. I never said thank you for that. I thought I might get one more chance."

5. "I don't want to go, but if I die young, fill my empty room with the sun."

5 things that bother you:

1. When people won't tell me what's wrong because they think I have enough of my own problems and don't want to put more on me.

2. When I'm not good enough for someone.

3. When people say "me and Chelsie" instead of "Chelsie and I"

4. When I can't find my hairbrush

5. No cell phone service in my house.

5 things that I think about when I'm told to go to my happy place:

1. Middle Earth. kid you not.

2. In the arms of my best friend, sitting on our steps and watching the world pass by.

3. A hammock on the seashore.

4. The Temple. 

5. The Kangamangus Highway.

5 things I want people to know about myself

1. I don't think that cancer defines me, and that it is only part of my definition. Please don't think differently. 

2. I won't ever leave someone who I love. 

3. I run 24/7. Barely rest, never sleep. If you need anything, you can call me and chances are, I am awake.

4. If you need anything in general, I will drop whatever I am doing to be there for you. 

5. My heart will always belong to New England.

Christmas time is here

A Blast From the Past. The first Christmas Picture, when mom decided to do pictures with our cards...This was five or six years ago.

Look at how far we've come. 

When we were younger, my brother and sisters and I used to make it our month's goal to find the hidden Christmas presents. One time, my brother succeeded about three weeks before Christmas. Unfortunately for him, my dad had set up a trap that involved scotch tape, door jams and hinges and had found out about the break in. Needless to say, my father was not happy.

A few days after he had calmed down, I hesitantly asked him why he was so upset. I understood that he should be angry, but I thought that he was way too angry then the occasion called for. He told me a story about when he was young that has stuck with me for ages.

My dad grew up on the backstreets of Haverhill, MA. For anyone who doesn't know New England, it's safe to say Haverhill is not the safest, or best place to live in. His father left his mother and her four children when my dad was young for another woman. My grandmother, Caroline, was left to support her four children on her own. A few years later, she had to support them while battling a terminal case of cancer.

One year, Caroline had worked extra hard and had bought each of her children very nice watches. My dad had found these watches and would look at them everyday. Soon, the excitement wore off, and when Christmas morning came around, it was obvious to Caroline that my dad was not excited about his present like he should be. Dad told me that the disappointment and hurt on his mother's face haunted him for years.

Dad told me after that the best part of Christmas for him was seeing his children be happy and their happiness at the presents he is able to provide for them. I listened and got what he said, but never really understood it until this year.

Being a college kid, and pretty content in the electronic world, I didn't ask for much this Christmas, and I didn't expect much. I found that as we went around the tree this morning, that I was more excited to see what my siblings got and to see the joy and happiness on their faces as they realized what they received. I also loved watching my Dad's face as he watched us opening our gifts. And then I understood.

I just want to say that I can't wait to be a parent and get to watch my kids faces when they open up their gifts. 

My dad is forever my hero and one of my favorite people. He has taught me so much and continues to teach me every day.

Christmas truly is the season of giving.

Dear Rexburg

Taken from We The Kings. Altered by me.

Dear Rexburg,

You have been good to me

You've kept your word

And got me through these years

And all I ask

Is that you'll be here

When I return

To share arms in what we learned

For so long, these streets became my home

Dear Rexburg

As the city sleeps the night

You found us hiding out 

Under parking garage lights

And you know

You know you'll find us here

When we return

From Grapevines to

Eastern Fields

This is our town

This is who we're meant to be

This is our town

Where our roots have grown so deep

This is our town

This is where we're meant to be

This is our town

We'll keep coming back because

This is our town.

Dear Rexburg

As I gently close my eyes

I hear you whisper softly

As we continue our goodbyes

And alls I ask is that you be here

When I return

Cause this is our town

This is who we're meant to be

This is our town

Where our roots have grown so deep

And all's I ask is that you be here

When we return.

This I Believe

So there is this website called thisibelieve.com and I think it is the coolest thing ever. People write "statements" about their personal beliefs and the things that make them their own person and they are really moving and inspirational. So I wrote my own:

I started living my life about three years ago. The first fifteen years of my life, I was living blindly. I took everything for granted and never realized what I actually had.

I remember the day that everything I had taken for granted in life was taken away. In one moment, in one word, my life changed in ways I could never have imagined or even thought possible. The once carefree fifteen-year-old who worried about boys, clothes, electronics, and other worldly thins was thrown head-first into a world with white coats, needles, locked doors and confined rooms, and an intense, on-going battle between life and death.

I remember watching from my hospital window at the people below me after being locked away for about a week, my body aching, my mouth dry and my head void of hair. They were always rushing around with one mind-set of getting everything done by the end of the day. I never once saw someone actually appreciate what the day was offering. During a particularly rainy day, I was sorely tempted to scream out of my window at the people below, to tell them to take their time and enjoy the rain, because one day that simple pleasure might be gone! I would have given anything to be outside in the rain right then. I had never realized how many simple things that life offered, and how many times I had turned my head and failed to notice them.

And so now, two years later and two years in remission, I live my life a little bit differently then the spunk fifteen-year-old once did. I believe in the simplest things that life has to offer and never letting them pass by without enjoying and appreciating them to the fullest. Too many times, people get swept up in the rush of life and let the little things that life has to offer slip by. Life has a tendency to throw curve balls out of nowhere and all of a sudden, everything that could have been appreciated can no longer be enjoyed.

I believe in keeping my eyes open to see and appreciate every little and simple thing that life has to offer, because simplicity is the most spectacular form of beauty. I believe in running in summer  rainstorms and watching thunderstorms roll into the valley. I believe watching the stars come out at night and trying to count them. I believe in long car rides going nowhere in particular with good music and best friends. I believe in cups of hot chocolate and good books on cold snowy evenings. I believe in watching the sun set or walking barefoot along the beach before the break of day. I believe in a child's laugh, in smiles and in bliss. I believe in good conversations, even if the conversation is silence between two people who just understand. I believe in lying in the grass and watching the clouds pass overhead. I believe in moments when you are so perfectly content and happy with the company you are surrounded with that you are overwhelmed to the bursting point with love and affection.

I believe that living for these simple moments is the only way to live life to the fullest.

I believe that no matter what happens, life will always continue to be beautiful.

This...I believe.

So, I forgot I had an account...

But I do...and maybe I will use it....

we will see.

It's 10:56 PM in New Hampshire and I'm pretty bored. Almost all of my friends are on the West Coast and three hours behind me, so they are still out playing. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don't know when that happened. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me, and I think it's because I haven't listened to enough Christmas music this past month. 

I don't know what else I have to say right now, except for the fact that it is cold in my room, I'm going to work tomorrow to say hi to the girls and my mom is making another batch of carmel corn. yes.