March is on the Horizon.

As I finish a solid four hours on campus of being productive, sitting across from my dark haired roommate who's tired face peaks over the spiderman screen of her computer, I run my hand through my hair and realize with a deep satisfaction that my locks are the longest they have ever been in five years. and I remember what it means-that I am just a few more days closer to being five years in remission.

and after going through a long day, filled with meetings at work, lots of new projects, tons of homework, inspiring photography classes, good music, a nearly empty gas tank and a beautiful letter from my missionary, I remember with a tired smile that i feel reaching into my eyes, that my life is a miracle. 

and it is so beautiful. 

new hampshire is calling me home.

I keep on remembering that I am going to have my first Thanksgiving home in three years this year.

i can't wait to be home.

acoustic nights

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And,

and i knew it well

heavy emotions rendered limbs exhausted.
my knees bent firmly into fragile ribs
wrapped around an uneven boulder,
hewn from the cliff face of anxiety.
honey hair fanned out across dark denim
frozen in a motionless wind.

eyebrows raised at equations that didn't balance out.
unknown variables hiding underneath the deep earth of a bottomless ocean.
it was cold; and winter was on the horizon,
faintly glowing with the remaining embers of fires and memories of burning smiles.
The one that pierced me with your curious intensity across a crowded room.

you told me you loved me
and i knew it well.




i love you.
and i know it well.

i miss you.

Five Years and Counting

February marks five years since I started my cancer journey. February 2nd was the five year mark of my diagnoses. February 12th was the five year mark of my first chemo. and February 14th was the five year mark of the end of my first chemo. 

Five Years. 

This is a big deal.

They say that once you start hitting the five year mark, you are out of the woods.

If I hit the five year mark on October 16th (The day I became officially in remission) my chances of relapse are next to none.

This is a big deal.

Because there have been so many times when I never thought I would see this day come.

And there have been so many set backs and so many trials that have been set in my way that made this year almost impossible to believe in.

But here I am, slowly getting closer to October 16th.

Slowly getting to the point where I will be "out of the woods."

I am so grateful to be alive.

I am so grateful for my life.

Sarcoma knows no borders.

it does not discriminate.

it does not judge.

it does not attack a certain race, gender or age.

but sarcoma also knows true love,

compassion. generosity. intensity. kindness.

sarcoma knows how to bring people together

and how to teach the most unsuspecting 15 year old girl

how life is so fragile and so beautiful

and to never take it for granted.

Sarcoma knows no borders.

it will reach out and touch countless lives.

it has changed mine.

and i am so grateful for it.

I'M ALMOST A FIVE YEAR SURVIVOR!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!

rolling in the deep.

I've had the pleasure and opportunity to live with these two girls since my second semester here at school. I am now in my seventh semester. It's pretty unheard of; roommates sticking together for that long. But these two girls are my second family and the ones who have stuck by me through thick and thin over the last two and a half years. I love them!

This weekend was a three day weekend (WOOHOO) and Symone and I went to Boise to stay with Jillise because it was her birthday! It was such a needed escape and fun-filled weekend full of laughter and adventures and junk food.

Hi-lights included:

-Seeing I Am Number Four (super good!)

-Walking into the theater laughing and talking before realizing the movie before us wasn't out yet

-My mattress exploding in the middle of the night

-"Symone, you are so Authentic..."

-"Make sure you bring me a box for my food!"

-"I FORGOT MY BOX!"

-Sleep talking

-Birthday Cake and inhaling a whole bag of pretzel M&Ms

-Symone and I belting Adele's new single: "Rolling in the Deep" at least eight times on the way home

Needless to say, it was a fantastic weekend. Now I am back, finishing up some homework and getting ready for school and work and errands tomorrow. =/

woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

everything is irritating me today.
it isn't even eleven yet.
want to know what else stinks?
going to check the mail and hoping to get a letter, and getting a credit card bill instead.

but, on the up side, Juli and I finally made contact today on the phone and she made me laugh, i'm getting my laundry done and I'm curled up in my favorite pair of sweatpants and rocking a messy bun and eating apple pie and reading The Great Gatsby and I have the apartment all to myself and it's quiet.

silver linings.

i am loved

Remember The Bow, and I'll be there

be still, and know that i am.

august is over

there air is still and i'm reminded of late summer when everything was vacant and it was just me, myself and i and the whisper of a distant and almost unreachable hope dancing in the late shadows of an August evening when everything was green and the air was warm and heavy.

sometimes i feel like i could just reach outside my window and touch that day; when the sun streamed warm and my skin glowed with it's stain.

it is winter now.

and the light is too bright, reflecting off of the old layers of snow and bouncing inside of my room, casting sharp shadows in sharp angles across the walls. Creased papers lay besides me and I often turn to look at the words, carefully scribbled in neat rows. I just want to slip in between the lines, because I know i will find you there, waiting between our names that you spelled out with the tip of your pen.

Just for a moment, i can feel whole again.

i'm ready to get out of this lonely town.