apple picking and damp air

snooze buttons are my worst enemy

and jamba juice never fails to make me happy.

rainy cool weather reminds me of late fall days in New Hampshire

and I've been filled with nostalgia all day:

this warm feeling in my lower stomach that fills me up and makes me feel like my lungs are full of air. Breathing in damp air filled with the soft scent of gentle fall decay causes scenes to flash, fast paced, in front of my eyes. Soccer games at depot field, late afternoon marching band rehearsals, raking leaves in the back yard, apple picking and exploring pumpkin patches, long car rides taking the back roads to Julianna's house filled with an explosion of color, the first of sweaters and winter hats, and general new england love all come to me at once when I breathe in that damp, fall air.

sweatpants, chamomile tea in mugs, open windows, blankets and a good book+damp air and trees with a bit of color=a piece of home while being across the country.

Start of something new.

Sometimes I have these moments when I feel totally genuine.

and recognizing those moments and realizing I was totally myself makes me feel like I am worth something.

and it is about time that I started believing in that. I don't need anyone else to tell me that I am worth something; a weakness that I have had for many many years. I have always relied on other people to build me up, to assign me worth. I thrived on hearing people tell me that "I am wonderful, I am worth something."

but those days are gone. it's different now.

I am believing in my own person. I am the New England girl with a little too much East Coast Pride, who battles procrastination on a daily basis, walks around with pearl necklaces on her forehead; who cries during allstate commercials and texts her best friend with things like: "I was just thinking about your squeaky eye" or "remember that time when you thought you a mermaid?"

I am sassy, spunky, and I am growing.

and I love that I can recognize those things in myself.

and that I can recognize my weaknesses and the areas where I need to work on improving.

I know that I have a long way to go. I know that I can work on my procrastination, my big mouth and expressing my emotions in a safer, healthier way. I know that I need to work on forgiving, letting go of my grudges, and on staying more organized.

But. I am recognizing my triumphs today. Because success gives me hope, makes me feel accomplished and makes me feel like I am worth something.

The fact is: I'm beginning to feel almost fully happy again.

and this time, it is on my own. my goal this summer was to learn how to be happy on my own. To do things for myself, to improve myself, to not let anything slow me down.

and I think I am finally achieving that.

at least, tonight, it feels like I am.

I was supposed to be in bed thirty eight minutes ago.

but to those friends who stood by me this summer: thank you. Your support and understanding has shown me how to grow on my own. (i know, that doesn't make much sense, but it does to me.)

I am my own person. and tomorrow is a new day.

Sunrise, Sunset

woke up with the sun this morning.

well, two and a half hours earlier then usual.

shower with inconsistent temperatures, church history paper touch ups

a granola bar on the run.

on campus at nine.

math test.

campus store.

science.

church history.

math.

u.s. history.

go. go. go.

home while the sun starts to set.

turning to Misao, telling her that we can now watch the sun set over porter park right outside our window.

instead of walking across campus on a whim and hoping for some colors.
New England Patriots Jersey.

rocked it all day. made some friends.

i'm proud to be an East Coast girl.

silly little macbook and a spinning beach ball of doom.

phone calls from Californian friends who I love dearly.

missing Hamilton.

epic adventure to the upper field with roommates

home in time for XOXO Gossip Girl.

the last of the cookie dough and ending the night with Greek Civilization.

today has been okay.

keeping it together

massive headache zooming in that came out of nowhere, so this will be best put in list form:

(my favorite form, of course)

1. Sleepovers with best friends really do make everything so much better. Also, grey's anatomy, cookie dough and the office while cuddling and talking about everything that you could possibly talk about. it's a security blanket. it's a piece of home.

2. Rubik's Cube is seriously owning my life. I am getting really fast at something I once thought was impossible for me to ever achieve. I feel accomplished.

3. Conference weekend the coming week and I can't wait to be out of Idaho for a few days and back with my best friend. I love traveling.

4. A old Fall Semester friend will be back in the Burg soon and I am excited for some old traditions to come back into my life: McDonald's Runs, N64 Parties and Swinging in Porter Park. maybe we will be infinite again.

5. I am listening to Bright Eyes and this time it doesn't hurt as much.

6. I am going to curl up with my history book tonight and tackle math in the AM. After tomorrow, I will put ten times more effort into math because I want to succeed in it.

7. Symone has been gone for a while. I hope she comes back soon. i miss her.

8. WHERE DID THIS HEAD ACHE COME FROM?

9. I am considering a guitar class next semester. that or piano. I want more music.

10. In case you couldn't tell, today I am a fan of BOLD

11. I will be in bed by ELEVEN tonight.

12. I am beginning to understand what it is like to feel DRIVEN.

13. Vow of Silence is going very well, thanks. Let's go for another week. i can do this.

Autumn' Fallin from Trees

One of my most favorite things about New England?

Autumn.

I want to be home to watch the trees turn and the feel the warm fall sunshine on my face and walk through apple orchards and pumpkin patches and breathe in the smells of fall.

I am a New England Girl.

some concluding thoughts

she's tired and she knows it

but not so distant dreams keep her weary soul from resting,

hope and anger battle internally.

she is keeping it together; finally getting the hang of it

still barely treading, but keeping her head above water and

her eyes on the shore.

she hurts but she's done showing it,

vows of silence slowly begin to fade memories into the back of her mind

and voices starting to completely be silenced; images fuzzy and feelings not so clear.

she prays and she is constant

whispered fears and hopes and pains; dreams and confusion and love,

the only completely safe place to turn to gives her comfort.

she's breathing and she hears it.

and her heart is beating and her mind is turning and she is so very much alive.

and in the gathering nightfall, in the silence and in the calm and the stillness of the air,

she sighs and she feels it.

in her gut, in her bones, in the very depths of her being

she is healing and she is proud of it.

slowly and piece by piece, she is putting herself back together

and hope is restored and happiness is returning and the sun is shinning brighter every day.

she is loved and she knows it.

and she couldn't be more thankful for it.

everything she ever hoped of being.

she is. and she will be.

Today has been okay: Emiliana Torrini

Emiliana has the most unique voice ever.

this is one of those songs that I feel has been written just for me.

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

The preacher lost his son
He's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on the prayer
Nevermind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

some inspiring words...

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

~The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Smuffeling, Sea-King Dude, Mr. Micdoguals and Dr. Nigogoles, Brittany Spears Immitations and The Queen of England

A lot of people say they have many best friends. But for many, there is that ONE best friend. that ONE person who has always been there, that ONE person who you always go to, that ONE person who will always have your back and that ONE person who knows you better then you know yourself. some people never find that person. some people go through this whole life without that friend. And tonight, I am taking a moment to feel the surmounting gratitude that I have that friend in my life.

I am so thankful for Julianna. It was through a lot of actions, consequences, and choices that MANY other people made that brought us together one fateful afternoon at a church activity when we were both eight years old.

Now, almost thirteen years later, Juli is turning twenty and I am turning 19 and 1/2 (we are exactly 6 months apart). We are both in the middle of our college education, we are older, wiser, smarter, but still spend countless moments laughing like little girls while re-enacting brittany spears, canoe trips, funny words and eating cold cookie dough and china food while watching out favorite shows.

For me, Juli's friendship to me goes beyond the typical best friend status. Juli has gone with me to the end of the earth and back. She has her own drawer in my dresser and I have my own in hers. We have created our own dictionary of random words that we mixed up, weird dreams that we dreamt and songs that we wrote. She was the one who was there the day I got sick. She was the one who was there when I lost my hair. She was the one who made sure I wasn't the only bald girl who left the hair dresser that day. Juli shared not only my clothes, my food and my love for books. She shared my hard days, my bad days; my good days and my triumphs; my hospital bed. Juli is my sister.

Some friends come and go. Some lie, some steal, some bruise your heart. Some take your secrets and run. Some stay for the connections. Some were never really friends at all.

But there is always that ONE who stays always, who never lets you down and who spends time with you playing buggy and kermit the frog.

i like that we're friends because

when something matters to me,

it matters to you, too.

When you have a good idea,

You tell me first -

That's why we make such a great team.

I like that we're friends because

when i say something funny, you laugh,

and when I'm not my usual self,

you notice right away

and ask me, "what's wrong?"

you're there for me and I'm there for you.

thats what friends are for.

I like you because...you are just you.

when somebody asks me who my best friend is,

I say, "you." and you say, "me."

and fifty years from now,

we'll say the same thing.

that's the way it is and will always be

i don't know if i will ever be able to sum up my gratitude to Juli for being the friend she is to me. I don't think I will ever have adequate words. Her sacrifices and genuine friendship will forever and always be the brightest example to me.

i love you forever, best friend. Happy Birthday.

Today has been okay

I am slowly letting myself go back into the habit of talking myself into an extra five minutes of sleep here, and extra ten minutes of sleep there while trying to wake up in the morning. It is only in the haziest moments that I remember what TV show came online during my solid slumber that jolts my brain back to a somewhat functioning mode and my eyes flutter open so that I can start getting ready for the day and catch up with NCIS or GG or ANTM.

Today was no exception. As I let my groggy mind win me over to "resting my eyes" until 9:20 (a whole 35 minutes after my first alarm goes off) I realized that the NCIS season premiere was waiting for me online and I got myself out of bed in a split second; not letting my brain wake up fully enough to make a decent first step and stumbling over my little step stool that I use to get in and out of my awkwardly tall bed.

My morning consisted of a shower, math homework, frosted mini wheats, and NCIS, followed by a nice walk in the late AM sunshine to the Romney for my Origins of Life class. All my classes went by smoothly today. I lost a little bit of my attention during church history; my mind was wandering between dreams from the night before and daydreams from the walk between classes. Math required all of my mind power that I could possibly muster and History was, as always, a thrill for me. The industrial period and Urbanization of the major cities and the Jewish Ghetto's and Little Italies and China Towns and Boss Tweed and the Far West have all been bouncing around my head and I can't help but get a small thrill of excitement when I think of how happy these stories make me and how relieved that I finally seem to be reconnecting with my major.

A long walk home to a favorite band in the now late afternoon sunshine followed by a brief stint on the couch in my apartment covered in a favorite blanket and clutching an endeared teddy bear while waiting for a tummy ache to pass; listening to the sounds of HGTV and the cars pass outside our window, brought me back to the days of New England comfort and security.

Tummy ache gone, I continued into the afternoon with a small plate of sliced cheddar Tillamonook Cheese and Original Triscuts as I started compiling a list of ten learning experiences for a class project. Faced with a roadblock after number five, I placed a phone call to home and talked to my father for a good, long while. I love my dad. There really isn't anything else to it. He is just so great. We caught up, talked about home and school and work, and then he mentioned hope for Hamilton. Dad placed a few phone calls to our mechanic, who is on the look out for a new computer for my car. If one is found, then we might be attempting to make the trek across the country again after Christmas break. Dad was followed by a brief stint of conversation with Mom, who gave me more than five learning experiences. A quick conversation with littlest sister Katie and a little bit of a longer one with brother Jakey ended the forty minute connected call to "home."

Homework hour continued, sporadically interjected with music, comments and text messages. Vicki picked Jillise and I up around 8:30 for a run to walmart and Albertsons in which I purchased a variety of things: make-up foundation, bread, two cans of soup, strawberries, four sweet potatoes, and cookie dough ice cream. The adventure ended with self-checkout machines that have a vendetta against me, plans for the Grey's Anatomy season premiere tomorrow and a possible Yellowstone adventure as October approaches.

Home once again, I finished the time line, printed out the study guides to the Epic of Gilgamesh, and chatted briefly with Chloe as she walked home from her five hour date with the school's library. Gilgamesh homework continued as I curled up with my computer and bag of Bugle Corn Chips.

Another random but appreciated and humorous phone call from a old friend gave me a well needed break from the Mesopotamia period and now I am faced with the decision to continue on with Gilgameshes epic journey tonight, or to sleep now and read tomorrow.

Whatever I choose, I will end my day with a prayer and a content agreement with myself.

Today has been okay.

not my typical okay. the okay but not really okay. the okay that I've been using for the past five months. Today has been okay. The real, the right kind of okay.