okay, Chelsie Caroline. Enough is enough. time to put your head down and be that girl who loves to learn.
you can't let what if's and but's get in the way of the now.
you know who you are.
focus.
do work, girl. do work.
11.10.10
fully alive
I tucked my thumb into the pocket between our hands
and you gave me a bit of a hard time, but gave my tiny fingers a reassuring squeeze anyway.
the sky was dark and the air was damp and the grass glimmered in the light from the lamp posts
and the only sound was the spitting of the sprinklers, our feet slopping in the wet grass and our laughter echoing off the empty buildings.
we were drenched to the bone.
we were alive.
and you gave me a bit of a hard time, but gave my tiny fingers a reassuring squeeze anyway.
the sky was dark and the air was damp and the grass glimmered in the light from the lamp posts
and the only sound was the spitting of the sprinklers, our feet slopping in the wet grass and our laughter echoing off the empty buildings.
we were drenched to the bone.
we were alive.
10.10.10
9.10.10
17,280 breaths
The human lungs are one of the most essential organs to life. Their job is to transport oxygen from the atmosphere into the bloodstream. There are two lungs in the human body. The right lung is usually bigger than the left. If placed end to end, capillaries would extend 960 miles. The action of breathing is automatic; something that you don't normally think about. A normal respiratory rate is somewhere around 8-14 breaths per minute. Given 1,440 minutes in a day, that averages out to about 17,280 breaths a day. In an average person's lifetime, a person takes about half a billion breaths.
They call it lorazepam, but on six north, we refer to it as ativan. .5 cc's of the liquid form in the IV. That's all it takes. point five cc's of this clear liquid to slip away. And it really does feel like slipping away. The outlines of the world begin to blur and all of the sounds around you blend into each other. There is no distinction between the beeping of the IV, the purr of the fan or the monotonous drone of voices coming from the tv. Everything blends together and the only thing you can hold on to as the drug penetrates your system is yourself. Your body. The fact that your chest is still moving up and down and you can feel the air flowing through your nose and into your lungs. Even then, it only takes a few more minutes after the blurring starts to lose control of that. All of a sudden, there is too much air. It's too easy to breathe and you don't feel like you are breathing at all. Before you lose complete awareness of the world, the last thing you remember is not having enough air and having too much air at the same time and wondering if you are going to wake up after you close your eyes.
I've spent every night the last week laying in bed wide awake for hours, concentrating on my breathing. Memorizing the way it feels to inhale the air of fall and to push it back out. Trying to preserve with every fiber of my being the feeling of being alive. It's been tricky. I am filled with fear. There are times where everything around me is thick, heavy, pitch black and pushing in from all sides, crowding every corner of my mind. It's like a giant blanket of suffocating darkness pushing so solidly on my chest that I'm being constricted of air.
Breathing is the only thing I hold on to when everything else is spiraling out of control. Concentrating on breathing reminds me that I am alive. That my life is a miracle. There are days when I wake up just being thankful to breathe. I am constantly questioning if I'm worth it, though. I know many beautiful people who I feel could live a lot better than me; do a lot more with their lives than me. I am not strong. and I am nothing special. I am just a girl from New England who has been fighting for a long time to keep going and who is finally feeling tired.
But I'm still here. And I'm still breathing. My apartment is empty and the fall air is coming in my window. I can smell the damp earth and the slight decay of leaves mixed with my clean hair and my h2o lotion. I can feel my lungs expanding and constricting. I am breathing, heart-beating, alive.
17,280 breaths a day. How many of those are we aware of? How many of those moments do we take for granted? How many minutes pass by, how many breaths go unnoticed and unappreciated? How many are shared with others? How many are spent alone?
So much held in the breaths of a day. So many moments where your breath is taken away. Standing in summer rainstorms, the sound of thunder rolling through the valley. The innocent laugh of a child. Driving fast with the windows rolled down. Finding yourself breathing in time with the warm body next to you. Laughter that fills your entire being. The smell of home. Warm tea and the weather channel. Swinging. Feet dangling in the river. Looking into the eyes of someone who loves you.
So here it is.
I don't know how many breaths I have left. No one does, really. And I don't think any one ever really gives that much thought unless they have faced death; until they are watching their life hang in the delicate balance of the between. But I've faced that. I face it every day. It's scarier than you could ever imagine. I have my moments where I forget to breathe. Where I can't. Where it is physically impossible for me to get enough air.
But I have to try to not let that get to me. I have to keep breathing. I have to keep being alive. Not just "get up, go to school, go to work, go to bed" alive. The alive where I sing loud and I dance around when a good song comes on. The alive where I spend time with people I love. The alive where I do the dishes with a smile and I take the stairs because I still have two legs. The alive where I give to everyone who has ever given something to me. The kind of alive where I go for it all; the no regrets, the "I'm going to let this happen and I'm going to go for it and I'm going to love every second of it because I'm alive and that is what life is for." The alive that makes me remember how beautiful my life is, no matter what happens.
I hurt. all of the time. everything hurts all of the time.
But I'm alive.
I'm in love with my life. I'm in love with the people in it. I'm in love with breathing.
I'm in love with finding myself next to that warm body and wrapped in protection and security and comfortable silence; the only sound of our lungs breathing in time. I'm in love with everything that makes me who I am and has helped me become who I am.
So, remember to breathe, Chelsabelle,
and be fully alive.
life is so beautiful.
and everything will be okay.
I love you all.
Remember to breathe.
They call it lorazepam, but on six north, we refer to it as ativan. .5 cc's of the liquid form in the IV. That's all it takes. point five cc's of this clear liquid to slip away. And it really does feel like slipping away. The outlines of the world begin to blur and all of the sounds around you blend into each other. There is no distinction between the beeping of the IV, the purr of the fan or the monotonous drone of voices coming from the tv. Everything blends together and the only thing you can hold on to as the drug penetrates your system is yourself. Your body. The fact that your chest is still moving up and down and you can feel the air flowing through your nose and into your lungs. Even then, it only takes a few more minutes after the blurring starts to lose control of that. All of a sudden, there is too much air. It's too easy to breathe and you don't feel like you are breathing at all. Before you lose complete awareness of the world, the last thing you remember is not having enough air and having too much air at the same time and wondering if you are going to wake up after you close your eyes.
I've spent every night the last week laying in bed wide awake for hours, concentrating on my breathing. Memorizing the way it feels to inhale the air of fall and to push it back out. Trying to preserve with every fiber of my being the feeling of being alive. It's been tricky. I am filled with fear. There are times where everything around me is thick, heavy, pitch black and pushing in from all sides, crowding every corner of my mind. It's like a giant blanket of suffocating darkness pushing so solidly on my chest that I'm being constricted of air.
Breathing is the only thing I hold on to when everything else is spiraling out of control. Concentrating on breathing reminds me that I am alive. That my life is a miracle. There are days when I wake up just being thankful to breathe. I am constantly questioning if I'm worth it, though. I know many beautiful people who I feel could live a lot better than me; do a lot more with their lives than me. I am not strong. and I am nothing special. I am just a girl from New England who has been fighting for a long time to keep going and who is finally feeling tired.
But I'm still here. And I'm still breathing. My apartment is empty and the fall air is coming in my window. I can smell the damp earth and the slight decay of leaves mixed with my clean hair and my h2o lotion. I can feel my lungs expanding and constricting. I am breathing, heart-beating, alive.
17,280 breaths a day. How many of those are we aware of? How many of those moments do we take for granted? How many minutes pass by, how many breaths go unnoticed and unappreciated? How many are shared with others? How many are spent alone?
So much held in the breaths of a day. So many moments where your breath is taken away. Standing in summer rainstorms, the sound of thunder rolling through the valley. The innocent laugh of a child. Driving fast with the windows rolled down. Finding yourself breathing in time with the warm body next to you. Laughter that fills your entire being. The smell of home. Warm tea and the weather channel. Swinging. Feet dangling in the river. Looking into the eyes of someone who loves you.
So here it is.
I don't know how many breaths I have left. No one does, really. And I don't think any one ever really gives that much thought unless they have faced death; until they are watching their life hang in the delicate balance of the between. But I've faced that. I face it every day. It's scarier than you could ever imagine. I have my moments where I forget to breathe. Where I can't. Where it is physically impossible for me to get enough air.
But I have to try to not let that get to me. I have to keep breathing. I have to keep being alive. Not just "get up, go to school, go to work, go to bed" alive. The alive where I sing loud and I dance around when a good song comes on. The alive where I spend time with people I love. The alive where I do the dishes with a smile and I take the stairs because I still have two legs. The alive where I give to everyone who has ever given something to me. The kind of alive where I go for it all; the no regrets, the "I'm going to let this happen and I'm going to go for it and I'm going to love every second of it because I'm alive and that is what life is for." The alive that makes me remember how beautiful my life is, no matter what happens.
I hurt. all of the time. everything hurts all of the time.
But I'm alive.
I'm in love with my life. I'm in love with the people in it. I'm in love with breathing.
I'm in love with finding myself next to that warm body and wrapped in protection and security and comfortable silence; the only sound of our lungs breathing in time. I'm in love with everything that makes me who I am and has helped me become who I am.
So, remember to breathe, Chelsabelle,
and be fully alive.
life is so beautiful.
and everything will be okay.
I love you all.
Remember to breathe.
7.10.10
5.10.10
unsettled
everything is really great right now.
but still, something has me totally unsettled.
can't place my finger on it.
or maybe i can, and i just don't want to admit it.
i'm just. unsettled.
but still, something has me totally unsettled.
can't place my finger on it.
or maybe i can, and i just don't want to admit it.
i'm just. unsettled.
high places and loving faces
I tend to stay quiet for a while. Sometimes I try to sleep it off, because slumber is the closest thing to complete escape. Close your eyes, block out the world and stop the constant noise in your head for a few hours. Make it all go away.
When there is no time for sleeping and when I can't stay quiet anymore, I rant.
Today, i found myself walking around in circles in the purring laundry room below your apartment, ranting about everything and not getting anywhere in particular, saying the same things over again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Like the song your roommate is in love with and won't stop playing, morning, noon and night, in the bathroom and in the kitchen and in the car. Repeat.
and you held out your hand and paused me in the middle of the same four words that wouldn't stop tumbling out of my mouth and helped me climb on a ledge and looked at me with that smirk that you only seem to reserve for me and said: "go."
I was confused for a moment. I was bent down kind of awkwardly so I wouldn't hit my head on the ceiling and you were looking at me with such patience, waiting for me to continue my tirade; waiting for it to click.
and then I realized.
I need to be high when I rant. I feel better when I'm standing on things.
and in the moment where I almost forgot myself, you remembered me.
thank you for being my friend.
When there is no time for sleeping and when I can't stay quiet anymore, I rant.
Today, i found myself walking around in circles in the purring laundry room below your apartment, ranting about everything and not getting anywhere in particular, saying the same things over again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Like the song your roommate is in love with and won't stop playing, morning, noon and night, in the bathroom and in the kitchen and in the car. Repeat.
and you held out your hand and paused me in the middle of the same four words that wouldn't stop tumbling out of my mouth and helped me climb on a ledge and looked at me with that smirk that you only seem to reserve for me and said: "go."
I was confused for a moment. I was bent down kind of awkwardly so I wouldn't hit my head on the ceiling and you were looking at me with such patience, waiting for me to continue my tirade; waiting for it to click.
and then I realized.
I need to be high when I rant. I feel better when I'm standing on things.
and in the moment where I almost forgot myself, you remembered me.
thank you for being my friend.
3.10.10
i generally dislike mondays
especially when i am awake at 6:30 for no reason and I went to bed at 1:30 and slept like crap the whole night. I kept on dreaming that I had to write this huge paper for my history class and that it was due today. It was like American Government in the winter all over again. THE HORROR!
I'm looking at a long day today, filled with class, work, and lot's of homework. Once I leave my apartment, I won't have more then fifteen minutes to myself until after 8:30 tonight.
But on the upside, I'm supposed to get my new phone today! I hope it comes through, that would make me happy!
Conference Sunday with my roommates was amazing, I got to write improv with Vicki for a while and someone complemented me on my writing. That makes me warm and fuzzy, because maybe I am actually majoring in something that I'm good at and that is good for me.
I got my hair done on saturday for an excellent price and I love it.
And my favorite person came home last night safe and sound.
Time to get moving.
Have a happy monday!
I'm looking at a long day today, filled with class, work, and lot's of homework. Once I leave my apartment, I won't have more then fifteen minutes to myself until after 8:30 tonight.
But on the upside, I'm supposed to get my new phone today! I hope it comes through, that would make me happy!
Conference Sunday with my roommates was amazing, I got to write improv with Vicki for a while and someone complemented me on my writing. That makes me warm and fuzzy, because maybe I am actually majoring in something that I'm good at and that is good for me.
I got my hair done on saturday for an excellent price and I love it.
And my favorite person came home last night safe and sound.
Time to get moving.
Have a happy monday!
1.10.10
a message
And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home.
My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home.
Gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home.
My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home.
Love Coldplay. Love Russell, who can play Coldplay on guitar and who sings with me and promises to teach me how to play it on my own one day.
Love quiet friday evenings with tea and good books.
Love knowing that i'm loved.
Love quiet friday evenings with tea and good books.
Love knowing that i'm loved.
Love lyrics that resonate within me.
just loving life tonight.
just loving life tonight.
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