what it was like for me

That is what he asked me today, and I spit out a couple of words that probably didn't make any coherent sense because I was caught off guard. He seemed to accept it and our conversation turned to the next topic easily, but I couldn't get that question out of my head.

What was it like for me?

I was standing there, in front of hundreds of people and I wasn't aware of any single one of them. I was only conscious of him, down on one knee, asking me to marry him. I think he said my full name, but all of the details are blurred. This one moment; this one instance of impact that I had been day dreaming about for a long time was finally happening and in the most cliché way, time froze and alls I could think of was "yes."

Loving him has always been easy. Being his friend has always been effortless. There was never a question that I would wait for him. But the thought of spending forever with him had always been off in the distance; something that I never thought I'd finally make it to see. So what was it like for me, when he was down on one knee, finally asking me to marry him?

It was a fairy tale story that I could never imagine; that moment when everything I already knew became sure. It was a moment where everything was the same, and yet, everything had changed. And it was the realization that he really and truly is my other half; my better half and the love of my life. And that hole that was in my being for the last two years was completely filled up with his love and his kindness and his smirk and his laugh and the way he puts up with the way I tuck my thumb in between our hands.

I get to marry my best friend; and my life couldn't be more beautiful. And at the end of the day, when I'm sore and tired and overwhelmed with school and work, that is the thought I fall asleep too. And let me tell you; it puts everything into perspective, because none of those little things matter when I think about forever by his side.

He makes me so happy. And I am the luckiest.

California

60 degrees and the California sunshine soaking into my skin.

There is a blue bow on my head and curls in my hair,

and she leans into me and whispers under the hymns

"you kinda match him."

I smile, because we do and we know it.

We walk hand in hand along the front porch,

and they all smile because he's back, he's home.

And the California sunshine is soaking into my skin and I realize,

I'm home, too. 

forever.

I just looked at him from across the table, watching him bob his head to his music and as he looked up at me and smiled, I couldn't believe how blue his eyes were and in the gathering twilight, I thought to myself: "I am going to love him forever."

E.A.

"It's okay to feel like that," she says. "I felt exactly the same way. But you know, and everything else will come with time."

And she's right. Because it's all there and I know it is and everything else will fall into place.

Teacher Shark

"She said that one of your kids asked for teecha chocolately."

They rememeber me and they miss me and my heart hurts but more with the love I have for them then anything else. Those kids made me a better person.

On fighting and waiting.

"life continues on and it gets better--and sometimes you have to fight for it to get better and sometimes you just have to wait for it to, and it's not always easy to know the difference, but there is one. and it gets better."

-Meg

A Moment

I didn't even have to think twice. He was there and he was wearing that blue tie and there was a bow in my hair and the moment I had dreamed about for the last two years was finally happening and I was running and leaping and I forgot where I was and who was around me because the only thing I was aware of was him. He was real. And he was exactly as I remembered him down to the way his hands felt on my face and his chest rose when he breathed. And there was a moment that happened. And it was like we had never been apart.

And I knew that I loved him.

Four.

I have never been more proud of him.

See you soon,

Observations on the end of the year

2012 is ending and I might as well be in shock because I keep on forgetting about it or denying it. There is no way that this year is over; no way that 2013 is here. Since Dustin stepped into my life back in that fated humanities classroom in 2010, 2013 seemed like a far-off fantasy or dream; something I would always be working towards but would never actually see. And here it is; literally waiting for me just around the corner and by this time next week, I'll probably be sitting next to him or hugging him or just watching him (in a non-creepy way, of course). It scares and excites the living daylights out of me and as I told Elder Craig today as he asked me how I felt: I just can't think about it too much or else I'll go crazy.

And so I've been putting around my home in New Hampshire, reading books and playing guitar and watching both seasons of Downton Abbey with my mom and sisters in the span of four days. Trying not to think too far ahead and instead, reflecting back.

Back in the beginning of June, when my world was filled with construction paper and daily meals of rice and small hands constantly holding mine, I got an email from a girl who had stumbled across my China blog and who was planning on coming to teach at Daguanghua in the Fall. We kept in touch throughout the end of my stay and into the beginning of her trip; I tried to prepare her as much as I could for life in China and for the way those kids would change her life. She just got back into the States and I had the chance to look through her photos. Precious faces with those same big grins that I had grown accustomed to beamed up at me through my screen and I swear I could almost smell my classroom again and hear the constant babble of Mandarin coming down my hallway. My heart misses those first moments of waiting for my students to come down that hall and hug me every day.

Looking back, I still can't believe that I spent the first half of this year living in CHINA of all places, teaching English to second and third graders. I can't believe that I actually mastered chop sticks, that I learned how to kill roaches without crying and that I walked up and down 286 steps daily. It's all a blur now, but a vivid one. I can recall small and random details without trying; sometimes I catch a glimpse of the animal cutouts hanging on my classroom wall, Beth's toothless smile or the kittens we rescued from the bushes. I can still smell stinky tofu in the night market downtown, see the isles of DVDs that we would pour through every Friday night and remember some of the dance steps we learned from the weird workout class at Happy Gate. I remember the early mornings I spent on the rooftop of our hostel in Yangshuo, listening to the little village come to life and looking over the river and into the mountains and thinking "How on Earth can I ever go back to normal life after experiencing this?" And I remember the day I said goodbye to my kids and Jane walked down the hallway backwards, waving and repeating: "goodbye, teecha, I lovah you."

I guess that's how I know I have really changed; really grown from those experiences on the other side of the world. To look back at those small details from China and to still have tears seep out of my eyes because I am so moved by them. I miss my little ones in China; miss the simple life I lead there when everything I did revolved around their well-being, their education, their happiness. Giving those kids the English language in a country where their prospects of a "good" life are so slim is one life-changing thing, but loving them, not only in the American way, but in a way that Christ would, is really what did it for me, I think. I have never understood sacrifice so completely until I served in China; nor unconditional love. And while I still don't think I will ever grasp those concepts completely in the sense of my Savior, I do think I understand it a bit more.

These are all my random thoughts on the brink of the last day of 2012. I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this was; I just wanted to put them all down-remember them. I really loved this year; loved who it taught me to be and the person it inspired me to become. I hope I make those kids proud; hope that I am still worthy of that unconditional love they constantly showed me.

But, of course, as sad as I am to see this year and all of my adventures go, do not be completely fooled. Because I am so incredibly excited and hopeful for this year, and the things to come.

I am looking through a telescope lens; and I know I'll see him soon.

Sister #6

"You can never trust my mom when playing scrabble. She'll put a word down like 'Ken' and I'll say 'Pretty sure that's a name' and she'll be like: 'No, it was an 18th century toilet.'"